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The bell is shrill and I jerk in alarm. A throng of people stand and file out, passing their papers to the teacher. I see your head above most of the rest. You've cut your hair and I can feel the tickle in my fingers. I need you.
I hurry to the front of the class, the last one out. I'm sorry I shout to Ms. Folstein and run out of the room, searching the halls. You've probably gone to your locker and I run after you. Your shoulder is a curve your very own. I know it and I know you and I grab your hand and I pull you. I feel you tug against me, but you let me lead you anyway. I pull you until I see a door. I pull us through the door and shut it behind. A small utility closet. It's black.
I can hear you say my name. Uncertain. Wary. I can hear you say my name and I grab you and pull you to me. I may have overturned in a storm of fear, but I've found you and righted myself. I'll stay true forever. My lips find yours and in an explosion of stars, and I kiss you with all the fear and love and hope I have.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 7 years agoI loved the story. I found i had to let the story flow over me and not be concerned about whose thoughts i was reading. Just went with it and enjoyed the tale. I had to stop a few times to reminice about sweaty and then cold mountain nights in a tent with the one I love. Thanks for writing this lovely story.
Anonymousover 7 years agoGood, very honest story but your style is all over the place, You start with short sharp sentences that are hard to read, you change from the third person to being the girl suddenly, generally it appears written in parts, stiched together over some time.
KingCuddleover 7 years agoNow...about continuity! :+))
Your italicized surges seem to be multi-purposed, and not from one source.
Ooopsy! Confusing. Many times. It was okay up front, when it seemed like
test questions being reviewed. But they didn't maintain that continuity.
There's one long section of them that is dialog without quotation marks?
I had no idea who was what was which?
My first suggestion is to remove completely all your italicized segments.
Then focus entirely on continuity.
Watch for your love of language and interior monologue getting in the way
of emotional development. In ways the reader can more easily feel.
For example, your long DNA paragraph is exquisitely written. Clever, etcetera.
But it interrupts the flow of the scene!
Your book-ending scene works, I think.
But it's in a style we haven't been reading for a good long stretch.
Summary? You're a very excellent writer, but this story needs cutting and polishing.
Congratulations for making me feel I was in the woods with them!
