Love Again

"You have sixty seconds to use the toilet. If you're not finished by then, I'll come in and put you on the potty like a baby. Go!"

Remembering that she had not hesitated for a second to tear the blanket from me, I decided it might be safest to do as I was told so I shuffled to the toilet and relieved my bladder. Realising that my mouth tasted as if something had died and rotted in there I went to the sink and started to brush my teeth.

True to her word, Trisha barged into the bathroom to check on my progress a minute later. When she saw me at the sink she immediately stopped and gave me the time needed. When I had spit and rinsed she took me by the arm and led me downstairs. I smelled breakfast. Bacon. Eggs. Toast. I heaved. I hadn't eaten breakfast in months and my body seemed unwilling to restart today.

When we arrived on the ground floor, I checked for Thor but he was in the garden, playing with Kira. Trisha led me to the table in the kitchen and sat me down. A few seconds later a plate loaded with bacon and scrambled eggs was placed in front of me.

"Eat."

"I'm not hungry."

I had by now managed to reboot my brain and was getting pissed at being ordered around like a child.

"That was not a request."

I started to stand up. I wouldn't let her push me around like that. Trisha stopped me with a hand on my shoulder and pulled her phone out of her back pocket. It can illustrate just how weak I was that I wasn't able to fight her off, despite the fact that she was roughly 6 inches shorter than I was. With a few swipes, she found what she had looked for and held the phone to her ear.

"He's acting all up," was all she said before putting the phone on the table, activating the speaker.

"Tom, as of today, you are on sick leave," I heard Rick, the CEO of my employer say. "You are not allowed to come to the office, your user access has been deactivated and most importantly, you are to recover. Trisha hooked up Sam and me and we have set up a joint project, Trisha is in charge and you are to follow her orders."

"I hereby quit."

"No, you don't."

I sat there stunned for a few moments, trying to understand what was happening, "Yes, I do."

He laughed.

"You can take this to court if you want to but I do not acknowledge your resignation."

"Fuck off."

That wasn't something I usually said to my employer but I was pissed that they disturbed my grieving.

"Tom, we do this because we care about you. Since you started working for me, you have been a loyal, trustworthy and extraordinarily competent employee. For the time being, I will pay your salary and Sam will cover for Trisha. She is commandeered to help you get better, her job will be waiting for her when she gets back."

I sat there, unable to find a way to turn it down. I didn't want to feel better. There was no reason to feel better. Not without Ann.

Trish spoke, "He's trying to find a way out. I'll hang up and keep you updated. Right now, he has a rich breakfast in front of him which I will feed him by force if I have to. Bye, Rick."

She touched the red sign and ended the call. Standing at my side, she pointed to the plate, "Now, eat."

"I said I'm not hungry."

"Tom, I was serious when I told Rick I would force feed you if I have to. It's your choice, eat or be fed."

Hesitantly, I picked up the fork and started to poke at the food, trying to decide whether the bacon or the eggs were less repulsive.

"Five... Four... Three..."

I didn't doubt for a second that Trisha wasn't bluffing. She would feed me. So I finally pushed the fork into the scrambled eggs, picked some up and put it in my mouth.

"Chew and swallow."

I had only taken a small bite so I wasn't really speaking with a full mouth when I put up a little fight.

"Stop treating me like a child."

"Only if you stop behaving like one. Chew and swallow."

I did as I was told, "Happy?"

"Next fork full. Five... Four..."

This way she got me to eat the entire portion of scrambled eggs which was more food than I had eaten at once for months. When she tried to do the same with the bacon I refused.

"Trisha. Please. Give me a break. I'm bursting."

She looked deep into my eyes, trying to decide whether I was serious or just resisting. She came to the conclusion that I wasn't lying.

"Coffee?"

"Please."

She sent me off to the living room to sit on the couch and came to join me with two mugs of coffee, sitting down next to me.

"We need to talk."

"About what?"

"About your suicidal behaviour since Ann died and the disrespect you've shown her by doing so."

"HOW DARE YOU?!"

I was up in a flash and before she had a chance to hold me back. I was furious.

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF DISRESPECTING ANN?!"

"Tom, sit down. Please," she replied with a calm and soft voice.

"OUT!"

"No."

"Get out."

My anger had been replaced by grief when the fact that Ann was dead pushed forward again.

"No," she remained perfectly calm, she even smiled a little.

"I said get out," but the fight had already left me. My head had dropped, tears were forming in my eyes.

She took my hand and softly pulled on it until I gave up my resistance and dropped back on the cushions.

"You know that Ann loved you as much or more than you loved her."

I didn't reply, memories of happier times flashing through my mind.

"She and I talked a lot while we were walking the dogs or window shopping. She never understood why you fell in love with her, she saw herself as a bunch of flaws but she never doubted that you loved her. You never failed to show her, after all. Remember the day we met?"

Hearing her talk about my beloved late wife pushed me immediately to the brink of another breakdown. I was unable to reply.

She went on, "It took you a full two seconds to deliver a statement that you were forbidden territory. Think about it. There was a lightly dressed twenty-four-year old woman in your garden and the first thing you did was declare your love to your wife and kiss her in front of me. She didn't have to stake a claim, you took yourself out of the market without being asked to do so.

She also knew that you didn't care about her skin condition or her perceived lack of physical attributes or the fact that she for some reason couldn't get pregnant. And she loved you for it. All she ever wanted was seeing you as happy as you made her."

Tears were streaming down my face by now, my body shook from the grief I still suffered.

"The last thing she would have wanted was to hurt you. And that's why you are disrespecting her. You don't even try to get better. I could make a drama now and say something stupid like 'if you ever loved her' but we both know that there is no doubt about that. What I'm saying instead is that because you loved her, and still love her, you owe it to her to fight that depression, to let those around you, those who care about you to help you and you must at least try to lead a fulfilled life. For her."

I could barely hear her over my sobbing but I knew she was right. I wasn't sure if I could make it but I had to give it a try. For Ann.

"I miss her so much. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Where ever I go, I miss her presence by my side."

She had pulled me close and held me by her chest while I let my grief flow out.

"I know. Everybody who knows you knows how close you were. They have an idea how much it must hurt."

We sat on the couch remembering Ann for the rest of the morning until Trisha decided it was time to take the dogs for a short walk. They wouldn't need much, they had been playing the whole morning together, but I understood that it wasn't about the dogs. It was about me getting on with my life and walking Thor was a big part of that. Another thing that Ann and I had often made together.

During the walk, Trisha entertained me with some stories from work but also gave me sufficient time to think about what we talked about on the couch. After we returned, she went to the kitchen to prepare a lunch. I was still full and told her so.

"Trisha, I don't think I can eat anything so soon after breakfast."

"I won't make much. I understand that your stomach has shrunk from months of undernutrition and it will take some time until you can eat properly again.

We have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and he'll examine you to find out which nutrients you are missing and then we'll meet with a dietary advisor who will give me a detailed plan on how I'm supposed to nurture you back to full strength."

I was feeling a bit patronized and I wasn't aware of the almost critical condition I was in.

"Thanks, but I think that's a bit of overkill."

"It's not as if you have a choice in the matter," she replied with a grin. "As your boss told you, you are to follow my orders."

I looked her in the eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you were there for me when I needed it, because Ann and I were friends, because you and I are friends but mostly, and I quote a close friend of mine here, because it's the right thing to do."

I managed a small smile. She threw my own statement back at me, the one I had given her when she asked why we helped her so much when she had gotten her job with Sam.

"Thank you. I appreciate your effort."

She placed her hand on my cheek and smiled, "That's what friends are for."

+

The visit to the doctor's office was a disaster. Or nearly a disaster. It took a lot of convincing that he didn't send me directly to the hospital. Trisha finally managed to convey that she would be acting as my personal nurse and warden and make sure that I took whatever medication the doctor prescribed. It seems I was low on everything. He insisted on Trisha calling the dietary advisor from his office and they started a lengthy discussion about my health situation. We left the doctor's practice and went directly to the advisor who discussed my dietary requirements and a menu plan with Trisha. I let it happen. Just because I had accepted that I had to change my behaviour didn't mean that my depression had vanished or that I had come to terms with the fact that Ann was gone forever.

Trisha and Kira moved in with Thor and me. That brought a lot of life and action into my quiet and empty house. Of course, we didn't share a bed, I wasn't even close to thinking about sharing my bed with a woman ever again so I slept in the Master bedroom while Trisha used one of the smaller rooms designed for the children that Ann and I never had.

A week after she had started to look after me she found my sleeping pills. After a short call to my doctor, she flushed them down the toilet and then proceeded to empty every last drop of alcohol she could find. I wasn't an alcoholic, not even close, but she feared that I might turn to it when I didn't have any sleeping pills.

Without the meds to leave me unconscious the dreams started to haunt me. During the next few weeks, I woke almost every night screaming or crying. Most dreams were variations of me losing Ann again and again. A few times I dreamed about the mother I had never known, she had died due to complications while I was being born. Other times, I dreamed of the day my father had dropped me off at the doorstep of a children's home with nothing but a bag and a letter to the Sisters of the order that operated the home. Trisha would unfailingly rush over from her bedroom to calm and soothe me until I fell asleep again. Once or twice she nodded off while holding me. I know now that this time was not only exhausting for me but also for Trisha.

February 2015

I slowly recovered. Physically at least. Because of Trisha's insistence I ate regularly and healthily and I slowly started to fill my frame again. In two months I had gained roughly twenty pounds. There still was a long way to go but the latest set of blood tests reduced the doctor's alert status from deeply worried to worried but he still refused to let me return to work with an absoluteness that left no room for negotiation. He said I should still be happy to be allowed to stay outside of a hospital.

The friendship with Trisha deepened. As we lived together, it was inevitable.

On a Friday evening when we sat in front of the TV watching a quiz show, I opened the discussion about a topic that really bothered me.

"Trish, shouldn't you be out dancing and trying to find somebody to love? I hate the thought that you're missing out on life because of me."

She glanced over at me from her spot on the couch where she had curled up in that weird position with her legs folded in under her butt that girls find comfortable and covered herself with a blanket. I knew that she was in pyjamas underneath.

"You know, I've already found that somebody, but it's bloody complicated."

I totally misunderstood her. I thought that she didn't want to date him while she was tending to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm holding you back. I'll talk to the psychiatrist on Monday to find out about home care."

Her reply came quickly, so quickly that she actually alarmed me a bit.

"No! Don't do that."

I looked at her, confused.

"Trisha, I'd feel horrible if you missed out on a guy because of my problems."

"The thing is I don't think he has the same feelings as I do."

I really thought I was the great advisor, after all, I had read all those teenager magazines when I was younger.

"You'll never know if you don't tell him."

"I can't. Not yet anyway. Maybe in a few months."

I still thought I was the greatest relationship counsellor of all time.

"What could a few months change? Except that it is time lost?"

She opened her mouth to reply but closed it without saying anything. She sorted her thoughts and tried again without success. On the third attempt, she spoke.

"You know, this is the first time since Ann died that you've shown some of the empathy and care that I've so often seen in you. I take it as a very positive sign that you're recovering."

I smiled, "If you think I don't recognise a change of topic when I hear one, you are gravely mistaken. But you never pushed me into talking about things I didn't want to talk about and I owe you the same but if you ever change your mind, I'll be here for you. Everything you've done for me so far, far exceeds the support we gave during your divorce."

She returned my smile, "Thank you. It's nice to be appreciated even if it's only partially deserved."

We fell quiet and returned our attention to the TV but during the next commercial break, Trisha addressed me again.

"You know what? If you care so much about me not going out, why don't you take me out? How about dinner and cinema tomorrow evening?"

"I'd be honoured to be your escort on a night out. Sounds like a plan. Any wishes for the restaurant and the movie?"

"You know my food preferences and as long as it's not an action, sci-fi or a horror movie, I'm fine."

I reflected on these prereqs for a few moments.

"Are there other types of movies than those mentioned?"

She laughed, a sound I hadn't heard for a while and now realised how much I had missed it.

"Romance, comedy, romcom, drama... Shall I go on?"

"Seriously? You want me to fall asleep in the cinema?" I asked, faking consternation. "Aren't you scared I might wake up screaming?"

She laughed again and looked at me with a soft expression on her face, "I like it when you joke. You always made Ann and me laugh when we were out together. If I can help you find that part of you again permanently, I promise I will tell the guy we talked about earlier how I feel. For good or for bad."

I looked her deep in the eyes to find out whether she was serious. I didn't see any signs telling me anything else so I held out my hand to her.

"Deal."

"Deal."

We went to bed shortly after the quiz show had ended. It was the first night in a very long time during which I didn't have any disturbing dreams. I didn't recollect much after I woke but I did remember that at some point in my dreams I saw Trisha.

In the morning, Trisha made it clear to me that she was treating our night out as a date and would dress up and expected me to do the same. I was a bit concerned about that because my suits were all too large for my current constitution. I was still underweight by at least thirty-five if not forty pounds and was reluctant to go out and buy a new suit which hopefully wouldn't fit any more in two or three weeks. Trisha was sympathetic and helped me choose an acceptable outfit. We laughed at the irony: the woman prepares the man for a date with herself.

The night out was wonderful and if only because we had left the surroundings in which we had stayed for more than two months. Dinner was great, even though it had taken a while to find a restaurant we hadn't been to with Ann, and the visit to the cinema was... surprising. We had agreed on a romantic comedy and while I thought the movie was total crap, I actually enjoyed it when Trisha held my hand for most of the movie or when she leant her head against my shoulder during the most romantic scenes. It was also the night I started to understand why it was so complicated for Trisha to talk to the guy she liked so much. She was now my closest friend and I found it not only difficult but impossible to tell her about the deep feelings I had developed towards her, especially as my feelings were not being returned.

April 2015

We started to go out every other Saturday. My recovery made steady progress up to the anniversary of Ann's death. But Trisha was well prepared. At six in the morning, two friends of her showed up and took charge of Thor and Kira. An hour later, we left for a theme park which was a two hours' drive away from our village. Once there, she kept me busy right until it was time to check in to our rooms. The hotel had however messed up the reservation and instead of having a double room with two single beds they only had a single room in her name. After some lengthy discussions during which she was able to prove her view by showing the booking confirmation she had received by email, we were given the only other free room they had, a double with a king size bed. Not that it was a serious problem, Trisha had fallen asleep in my bed a few times in the weeks when I still had regular nightmares.

The surprise came in the morning when I woke up. When we had fallen asleep we had been laying on either side of the bed but when I woke up I was spooning her with my left arm under her neck, my right hand on her breast and my boner poking her bottom. In order to make the surprise complete, her left hand held my right in place, her right laid on my thigh and her bottom made small circular movements that didn't help my desperate attempts to will my hard-on to go down.

I carefully extracted myself from her and rushed to the bathroom where I relieved myself and took a cold shower. While I was standing in the shower, I evaluated my situation.

One year had passed since my beloved wife and my unborn daughter had died. I had spent the next two months in a nearly catatonic state, six more in severe depression during which I almost starved myself to death. Then one of my late wife's closest friends came to my aid, nurturing my body slowly back to strength while carefully helping my mind to mend. And what did I do in return? Abuse her beautiful, young body for a quick fix. I was disgusted with myself. She was fourteen years younger than me. I was forty-three and she was twenty-nine. She should be seeing guys her own age, not having to put up with old leeches who can't behave themselves. She deserved better than that. Much better.

I came to a conclusion. When we were back at home, I would declare myself fit for work again, thank Trisha with a generous gift, she needed a new car if I remembered correctly and then make her call that guy she had mentioned. That's what friends did. Help your friends be happy.