Love Conquers All

"She was pretty much hitting on you last night, and I guess maybe I felt like if I didn't...accost you, she might end up, I don't know, stealing you away?"

"Never gonna happen," Jordan replied.

"You don't find her attractive?" Shay asked, unable to even imagine that.

"She's extremely attractive. Just not to me."

He saw the way Shay was looking at him so he asked, "Do you believe me?"

"I...I want to. I just can't understand how she's not someone you'd be interested in."

"That part's easy. I saw someone I was more interested in. A lot more," Jordan told her.

He smiled at her then said, "So whether you believe me about that or not, I believe you, though. About your...kiss of desperation."

Shay couldn't help but smile and then laugh.

"I'll never live that down, will I?"

"There's nothing to live down. I told you I was glad you 'attacked' me. Or maybe...assaulted me."

"Hey! Just a minute here. You've gone from accosted to attacked to assaulted you in the span of a few minutes!"

"I know. Call it...wishful thinking," he told her before he leaned over and kissed her again.

"Okay, this time I'm really getting out and opening your door," he told her. "I promise."

When he helped her stand up, Shay took another 'big risk' and said, "And I promise to assault your body whenever you want me to."

She was grateful it was dark except for the street lights, because she felt herself blush for the first time in many years.

"Will you also attack me and accost me?" Jordan asked as he pulled her close, the confidence back in his voice.

"Uh-huh. I will. As you may have noticed, I'm pretty good at that."

As he held her, he looked down at her face, bathed in the soft, yellow light from the poles nearby and said, "You are so beautiful, Shay."

As she looked up into his eyes, she said, barely above a whisper, "I believe you," before she kissed him for a very long time and only let him go once she realized there'd be no 'assaulting' going on that night.

On the way home, she had to talk to someone and decided to call Stacey, knowing she was never in bed before midnight.

"Girl? Are you okay?" her friend asked when she answered the phone.

"I am," Shay said happily. "I just really needed to talk to you."

"At 11:30 at night? You must have something big going on. You want me to come over and talk?"

"It's too late for that. I just needed to share something with you," Shay told her.

By the time Shay started her fourth sentence, Stacey said, "I'll be there in ten minutes. Even if we both have to call in sick tomorrow, I'm coming over. If nothing else, I want to live your life by proxy!"

Shay laughed happily and silently gave thanks for good friends. She'd love to be able to tell her daughter, but this was one of those things that moms just didn't discuss no matter how close they were with their child.

It became a moot point when Shay got home and Alexis was already in bed asleep. She went back downstairs after checking, and just as she got to the door, Stacey walked up and said, "You better not hold out even one detail or I'm gonna arrest you and try and seduce this guy myself!"

It was well after 2 am when they realized there was very little left to say that wouldn't be repeating the same thing for the third or fourth time.

"I have no idea what it is he's not telling you, but I do know I'm happy for you and so jealous of you right now," Stacey told her as she got ready to go back home alone again.

"Thank you," Shay said. "And who knows? Maybe your...guy in shining armor...is just around the corner."

"Ha! I'd settle for a decent guy under 55 who still has most of his hair and doesn't look like he's pregnant!" Stacey told her.

They laughed then hugged, and Stacey told her again she was truly happy for her friend.

"Thank you. And thank you for always being there for me."

"You got it, sister," Stacey said, "and right back atcha."

Stacey went to leave then stopped and said, "Oh. Does this Jordan guy have a brother? Older, younger, twin? I'm not picky."

Shay laughed and laughing, plus their talk, allowed a lot of tension to drain away.

"I don't know. I'll ask for you, though," Shay told her.

"Nah, that's okay. Now if I looked like you..."

"Stop it!" Shay said.

"Just sayin'!" Stacey told her as she walked away, a hand raised high in the air.

It didn't take long for Stacey's last comment to cause Shay to start thinking about her own looks and the insecurities that went with them—especially if there might actually be a first time. A couple of minutes later she was upstairs standing in front of a full-length mirror fully undressed and looking at herself from every angle.

Everything was still tight and firm to include her 46-year old boobs. But how long would they stay tight and firm? Were she to get involved with Jordan, what might he think in five years or...in one..for that matter?

"Five years. Get serious," she told herself before putting on some comfy PJs and crawling into bed.

She was very tired again at work, but she was feeling mostly upbeat about the way things were going with Jordan, she powered right through it.

When she arrived for class, her heart sank when she saw Blondie talking to Jordan out in the hall. He was laughing and she was standing much too close, and her insecurities flared up in a major way.

"And there she is," Jordan said as Shay got closer, making it sound like he'd been talking about her.

Blondie turned and gave her a quick glance then rolled her eyes and didn't even say 'hello'.

Shay stopped a couple of feet away and was kind of between them when Jordan stuck out his hand. Both Shay and Blondie looked, and both of them understood what it meant. Shay moved a little closer and took it while Blondie didn't take it well at all.

"You've gotta be kidding," she said quietly but loudly enough to be heard as Shay took his hand.

When Jordan moved closer to Shay then leaned down and kissed her, Blondie shook her head in disgust and walked off.

Shay was secretly thrilled, and said, "Do you have something against young, pretty women?"

"Obviously not. I'm with you, right?" he said, causing Shay to laugh a very happy laugh.

She looked up at him and said, "I guess you are—with me. I still don't know why, but yes, do seem to be with me."

When they came in together hand in hand, Blondie didn't even look. She just tersely told everyone to take a seat.

"Someone is jealous," Jordan whispered.

"Someone can't believe her eyes," Shay whispered back.

"Then that's her problem," Jordan told her.

"If you two wouldn't mind quieting down, we'll get started," Blondie said coldly as she shot visual daggers at Shay.

Shay sat up straight and tall and folded her hands in her lap, and when she did, Jordan had to fight off the urge to laugh. He made a kind of 'spurting' noise, and that caused people to look and Shay to laugh and Blondie's face to turn red with anger, but she didn't say a word about this budding new relationship in her class. Then again, she didn't say another word to either Jordan or Shay that wasn't essential the rest of the week.

That night, the 'lovebirds' sat in her car after class, and that made...making out...a whole lot easier.

After one very long, passionate kiss, one in which Jordan gently cupped and squeezed her breast for the first time, Shay said as seriously as she could without laughing, "So...when can we go all the way, Bobby?"

Jordan got the joke and said, "Well, Mary-Jo, I was thinking about this Friday after we go on our first real date."

Keeping the silliness going she said in an innocent-sounding voice, "Will it hurt much?"

Jordan stopped teasing and smiling and sat there quietly looking at her.

"No. Definitely not," he finally said very quietly, the confidence once again completely gone.

"What?" Shay said hoping he'd help her make sense of what he'd just said.

"It won't hurt," Jordan told her as he looked straight ahead.

"Well, no. Of course it won't. I've had a child, and that means, you know..."

Jordan forced himself to try and smile then said, "Right. Exactly."

Assuming he was simply agreeing with her, Shay felt more confident.

"I really can't wait to be with you, Jordan," she told him seriously as she reached over and ran her hand through his thick hair.

"No, uh...me, either," he replied in a way that sounded unconvincing.

And just that quickly, Shay was back to the State of Confusion, a place she seemed to live in where Jordan was concerned.

"I'm not sure I can wait much longer," Shay told him truthfully as she did her best to put her concerns aside.

"Absence makes the heart grown fonder, right? Jordan replied, again unconvincingly.

"Yes, but what does abstinence do to it?" she teased.

"Oh, right. Good point," he said with an odd chuckle.

Shay was flying on auto pilot to avoid spinning out of control due to frustration.

Jordan told her he found her attractive. He'd even said she was more attractive to him than a beautiful woman maybe half her age. He made it sound like he wanted to be with her, and yet the signals she was getting were anything but clear about that.

Again, Shay convinced herself to leave well enough alone so they talked and kissed a while longer then reluctantly said 'goodnight'.

They did the same thing on Thursday with no mention of 'first times' or 'going all the way'. Shay consoled herself by saying he'd let her know if there was a problem, and until he did, she was going to focus on the wonderful attention she was getting rather on than on the parts she wasn't.

In expectation of those other things possibly happening after their date on Friday night, Shay had worn the sexiest dress she owned to class that evening. That wasn't lost on either Jordan or Blondie who, after the class ended, told Shay her completion certificate was on a table in the back after passing everyone else's out. Even that couldn't dampen her spirits, and just minutes later, they were sitting in Jordan's car getting ready to go celebrate.

"I know this really nice restaurant," Jordan told her once they were both inside and seated.

"That sounds perfect," Shay replied.

After working up her courage, she smiled sweetly then asked a question she was dying to have answered just before he started the car.

"Should I...get permission to spend the night?"

"Oh, um...sure. Yeah, that'd be very nice," he told her in that same 'hollow' tone of voice that had suddenly reappeared.

"Well, Alexis just happens to be spending the night at a friend's house, so that shouldn't be a problem."

"Oh, okay," Jordan replied flatly.

Again, there was no excitement or enthusiasm in his voice, and the alarm bells Shay had been silencing in her head were now deafening.

"Jordan? Is there something you want to tell me?"

He sat there just staring ahead before finally answering her.

"Actually, there is," he said almost somberly.

"Oh. Okay."

Shay's worst fear quickly arose as she imagined hearing the words, "Shay? I'm married."

But unless she'd completely misjudged him, there was no way he was getting ready to tell her that. The only other things she could think of was some kind of horrific 'accident' in Afghanistan that affected his ability to make love or maybe something like being HIV positive. But would the military let him stay on active duty if he was?

Unable to come up with a reasonable explanation on her own, Shay was forced to sit and wait for Jordan to tell her.

"I...I really need to tell you something before this goes any further," he finally said after another lengthy, uncomfortable pause.

"You can tell me anything," she replied as she looked over at him.

He did his best to turn toward her then sighed deeply before speaking.

"The first thing I want to say is...I'm really falling hard for you, Shay," he told her completely upending her and throwing back into the morass of confusion and uncertainty.

"Jordan? Please don't say things like that unless you mean them. You know what my ex-husband did to me, and I just ended a fairly long-term relationship with a really nice guy who..."

"If he was so nice, why did it end?" Jordan asked before she could finish.

"Because although he really was a very nice guy, that's all he was. There was no passion, no romance, no..."

"Sex?"

"No. None. Not even...well, nothing more than a kiss goodnight, after weeks of dating."

"Wow. That's very hard to imagine. Especially with a woman as beautiful as you, Shay."

"Thank you," she told him, feeling only slightly better.

"You're welcome, and I want you to know, I try not to say things I don't mean, although sometimes I...I don't always say...everything I need to say."

The only word that came out of her mouth in response was, "Okay."

She wanted to tell him she was falling for him, too, but a deep-seated fear of being hurt even worse than with her ex's affair with Carmen, along with her aversion to taking risks, wouldn't let her.

"Shay? This is really hard for me to talk about," Jordan said as he redirected the conversation.

She looked at him and as their eyes met he suddenly turned away.

"Oh, my God. You're married, aren't you?" she blurted out.

"What? Married? No. Never," he told her, this time in a convincing tone of voice.

"Are you...sick? You know, with HIV or something?" she asked very gingerly.

Shay knew she was sounding desperate, but she'd never experienced anything like the interaction between her and Jordan. She'd love to call it a relationship, but it was so unsettled—and unsettling—she couldn't use that word.

"No. I don't have an STD. I never have."

Firing her last 'round' Shay asked if he'd been...injured...in the war.

"Injured?" he asked.

"Yes. Did you maybe have something happen that, well, makes it difficult to...be with a woman."

"Oh. No. Nothing like that, either."

"Then what is this big revelation? Why do you keep telling me I'm beautiful then make me feel like you don't want to be with me when I'm so ready, willing, and able to be with you?"

Jordan sighed deeply then said, "I really don't even know where to start."

Jordan not only wasn't looking at her, he was leaning forward and looking down at the floor mat in front of him.

Shay reached over and took his hand and said, "Then just start."

He exhaled loudly then said, "It's not that I don't want to be with you."

He looked over then said, "Because I do. I really do."

"I feel the same way about you," Shay told him.

"But I'm not sure I can."

Shay watched him for several seconds then said, "I believe you when you tell me you think I'm attractive, and..."

"I do, Shay. Jesus, you're...gorgeous. You're amazing."

"And everything...works properly and you're not..."

"Diseased?" Jordan said with a kind of wry smile as he sort of glanced her way.

"Well, okay."

"Everything works just fine," Jordan said. "And I'm perfectly healthy."

"Then...help me understand because...I'm a sure thing, Jordan."

Shay realized what she said then quickly added, "That sounded really bad. I just meant I'm unbelievably excited about us being together. In fact, I feel like whenever I stop and think that someone who looks like you, and who's such an incredible guy wants to be with me, that I'm living in some kind of dream. But I'm also unbelievably confused, too."

She watched Jordan sit there then look away before he spoke.

"I'm...I'm a..."

"A what?" Shay asked as she squeezed his hand.

"Fuck," he muttered as he shook his head.

"Jordan. Please just tell me!" Shay said, pleading with him to tell her.

He sat back then said, "I'm...I'm a virgin, Shay."

Shay let go of his hand then sat back and just looked at him.

"Wait. You said it's been like...fifteen months...for you," she reminded him.

"Technically, yes, but that wasn't...sex. And that's one of the things I where I didn't say everything that needed to be said. I...I didn't say any more because it's just too damn embarrassing."

"Jordan, I am completely lost, and I need you to be honest with me here. Totally, brutally honest or no matter how attracted I am to you, I swear I'll get out, and I'll go home, and..."

"I...I've never actually slept with a woman. I've...fooled around, but I've never...done it. I've never had sex with anyone."

He finally looked at her again then said, "The fifteen months ago thing? I...I paid someone to, you know, be with me."

"I...I don't understand," Shay said. "You are one of the best-looking guys I've ever seen, Jordan. You could have any woman you want any day of the week. Why would you, of all people, ever need to pay someone? None of this makes sense to me. At all."

He turned toward her then said, "When I was in high school, I got...naked with a girl for the first time. She was...gorgeous. She was so into me, and I wanted to make love to her in the worst way."

"And?"

Jordan rubbed his face and his eyes with his hands then said, "This is so freaking hard to talk about."

Shay truly had no idea what was coming and didn't even say, "I'm still listening."

"I wasn't the first guy she'd...been with. So when she, you know, saw me, she gasped. You know, that gasp that signifies being horrified."

"Why...why would she do that?" Shay asked unable to even imagine.

"When I was in high school, I got a doctor's exemption from PE because of this...problem."

"Problem?" Shay asked.

Jordan exhaled loudly again then finally told her the truth.

"Shay? I am so...small it's...it's beyond embarrassing. I mean, I wasn't sure they'd even let me join the military because of it. Anyway, it evidently isn't a disqualifying trait, and I thought that if I could just get through the 10 weeks of Officer Candidate School where guys have to shower together, it would be a non-issue after that. I wanted to get away from the area, the business, my dad, and...all of this. So...I signed up. I threw myself into my work, and I used it as an excuse for never dating."

He sighed again then continued.

"Everyone sees me and just assumes that my...plumbing...matches my looks. But I can assure you it doesn't. In fact, it's...well, it's difficult to describe. I have all the required parts, they're just..."

"But you could make love to a woman, right?" she asked. Now that she knew, Shay was sympathetic to the point of hurting for him.

"I'm sure I can," he told her. "But I can't imagine it would be satisfying. Hell, I can't even imagine any woman wanting to."

"How do you know if you don't try?" she asked as sweetly as she could.

"Look. I'm not obsessed with porn, but I've watched enough to know most guys who perform in those kinds of videos are um...unusually blessed in that department. But I've also seen things like..."

He looked at her then said, "I'm not making this part up."

"Okay."

"They have these 'competitions' for guys with, you know, really, really small...dicks. Sorry. I don't mean to be crass."

"I'm not offended," Shay told him.

"Anyway, I watched one that Howard Stern was hosting, and these guys marched in—in the buff and showed off their...junk...to the 'judges', one male and one female. Or rather, their lack of it. Suffice it to say, I could have taken home the silver or the bronze."

He finally smiled a little bit, and when he did, Shay had to laugh. Not at him. She just needed to release tension. It wasn't a loud laugh, but she did laugh.

"So when I tell you you're beautiful, and that I'd love to be with you, now you know why I'm so hesitant. See, the thing is, I've got this charisma thing down pat. I don't mean I'm being phony because I'm meant everything I've told your. I've learned how to project confidence but only up to a certain point. Anytime things get close to moving beyond that point, I start looking for reasons to bail."