Love of Autism Ch. 04

"Of course," Alyssa said, giving him a kiss. "Just let me know during math class."

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Scott and Katie sat down together at their lunch table, but didn't say a word to each other. Katie didn't want to bring up the kiss she saw Scott and Alyssa have after the football game nor did Scott want to talk about his complicated relationship with Alyssa. They both ate in silence for the ten minutes before Katie couldn't take it anymore.

"So how was your weekend?"

Scott shrugged his shoulders. "It was OK. How was yours?"

"Mine was alright. Just stayed home, did homework, watched TV, normal stuff."

"Sounds like a good weekend to me."

"I guess. What about you? What did you do?"

"Tutored Alyssa Saturday afternoon. After that just did homework and played video games."

"How has the tutoring been going with Alyssa?"

"It's going fine," Scott said looking down at his food, not really eating it.

"That's good." The anxiety was starting to really build for Katie; she couldn't take it anymore. "Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?" Scott looked up at her quizzically. "I saw you two kissing after the football game Friday night."

Scott sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I wish we were but...she just wants to be friends."

Katie could sense the sadness in his voice. "I'm so sorry Scott."

Scott rubbed his face a few times, frustrated about the whole situation. "It is what it is. She'd rather just do stuff than be committed into a relationship."

The rest of lunch was done in silence as neither of them really ate their food. Once the bell rang Scott threw away the rest of his food, got what he needed from his locker for math and English and went to his math class. He talked with Alyssa briefly just to find out if he was going to her place or she was coming to his. She asked if he thought about her proposal and he said he still needed to think about it.

Both math and English went by at a snail's pace and he just wanted the day to end. Once the bell for English rang he went to his locker and made sure he had everything he needed to do the day's homework assignments, but he couldn't keep his focus as he looked through his locker.

Ever since Alyssa made it clear she just wanted be friends with benefits he didn't feel good. He was ready to be in a committed relationship with her. The truth was he had lied to Katie when he said his weekend was OK. It was horrible. After he got home from Alyssa's on Saturday he didn't know what to do. He just felt depressed and the depression grew worse on Sunday. No matter what he tried to do, no matter what he did to make himself happy, he just couldn't get out of his depression.

He closed his locker, put on his head on it and felt overwhelmed by everything going on. Anger, sadness, frustration, and loneliness were all felt at once and he just wanted to wanted scream. He wanted to bang on his locker, let out a roar just to release a small part of the tension he felt going on throughout his body and mind. Then a pair of arms wrapped around him tightly from behind and he felt someone put their forehead on the upper part of his back.

"Scott, I'm here for you," Katie said loud enough to be heard over the commotion of everyone getting their things to leave.

Scott turned his head to look behind him. "Why Katie?"

"Because you're not happy."

Scott closed his eyes, trying to hold back any tears. "I'm not letting you drag yourself into my mess Katie. You don't..."

Katie let go of Scott and turned him so she could look at his face. "God dammit Scott I love you." Scott turned his head to look down at his locker, eyes still closed. "I love you and I hated seeing you with someone who has a reputation for using guys just to help get herself off. I hated seeing you kiss her because I want you to kiss me." Tears started to come down her cheeks as all the emotions were finally being released. "I hated hearing how Alyssa used you and I hate seeing you as you are now because I love you. I love you too damn much that I'm fighting with my mom to defend you. I can't stand to see you like this without trying to help you."

Scott heard every word Katie said and he knew he should feel happy that she cared about him that much. However he felt like he was just hurting her. "Katie, I don't want to hurt you."

"How would you hurt me?" Katie asked not understanding why he would say that.

"I'm hurting you right now by just the mess I'm in right now."

"Scott that is not your fault. I know you wouldn't try to hurt me."

Scott tried even harder to hold back to tears welling up in his eyes. "But I don't want to hurt you Katie."

"Why would you say that after what I just said?"

"Because I don't know if I can completely forgive you for everything and not bring it up if we get into an argument."

The truth Scott didn't want to tell Katie finally came out and she was floored by it. "Scott, why would you say that?"

Scott opened his eyes, tears falling freely down his cheeks. "Because it is the damn truth. You've put me through hell ever since we were little kids. I've had to see therapists and psychologists just to keep myself sane. I can't just forgive you for a lifetime of bullying and torture just like that Katie. I just can't." He turned and walked away from Katie as fast as he could. All the memories of her bullying him flashed back into his mind.

Sarah saw her brother crying as he approached the car and knew not to say a word. She just got in the car and waited for him to start the drive home, which took a few minutes for him to compose himself to drive home. Once they got home Scott just went to his room and closed the room and their mom noticed how sad he looked.

"What happened with Scott?" Jackie asked her daughter.

"I don't know. He came out of school looking worse than that. It took him a few minutes to calm down enough before he started to drive."

Hearing this made Jackie worry about her son. So she went to her son's room and opened the door without knocking on his door.

"I don't want to talk about it mom," Scott said lying on his bed faced towards the opposite wall.

Jackie sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his back. "I know you don't want to talk about this Scott, but I can't just do nothing. You've been depressed most of the weekend and now you seem to be even worse. I need to know what is going on."

Scott took a deep breath, trying his best to remain as calm as he can. "There is a lot to tell mom, but I just can't right now. I'm burnt out."

Scott had not used those words in a long time and that made Jackie even more concerned. "Do you have any test or something important you need be at school for tomorrow?"

"No, nothing important tomorrow."

"Well I think it is best you don't go to school tomorrow and you see Bernie. I'll see if he has any openings tomorrow."

"Mom, I don't want to see Bernie," Scott said just not wanting to talk about any of this with anyone.

Jackie sighed knowing that she was going to have convince her son to see the psychologist who had helped out the family numerous times. "Please Scott. You need to talk to someone and Bernie can help you. Plus whatever you tell him stays between you two."

"I know mom," Scott said starting to get annoyed with the conversation, "but I just...I just want to be left alone."

"OK, I'll leave you alone if you promise to go see Bernie tomorrow."

"Mom," Scott growled wanting her to drop it.

"And if you do go see him I'll do and fold your laundry for two weeks."

Scott rolled over to look at his Mom. "Do you think I can be so easily bribed like that?"

Jackie smiled at her son knowing she had him. "Yes I do because I know you hate doing laundry."

Scott rolled back to face the far wall again. "I'll go see Bernie tomorrow."

"Thank you. I'll give him a call and I'll let you know what time to be there."