Love of Autism Ch. 15

Jack shook his head. "You don't have to apologize. I don't need any apologies from you after...what I did to you."

An awkward silence fell between them for a few minutes before Katie decided to speak up. "So because of what happened to your cousins you became concerned for Scott?"

Jack nodded his head. "I've seen what too much drinking does to people. I don't want to see anyone get hurt, especially if he decides to get behind the wheel. So, the first time he was too drunk to drive, I drove him to his dorm and had Steve help me get him into his bed. He gave me his number in case I saw Scott drinking too much again and told me to call him in case he needed a ride back to the dorm."

"That's...really nice of you," Katie commented.

"I guess...anyway I should go. I'm sure I'm the last person you want to spend your night with." Jack proceeded to head towards the door."

"Jack," Katie said right as he reach the door. He stopped and turned around to look at her. "Thank you for watching after Scott. It means a lot to me."

"Why?" he asked curiously stepping away from the door and towards her. "I know you broke up with him. Why are you happy that I'm looking after him?"

Katie wasn't sure exactly what to say without revealing too much. "I mean...I'm glad you want to make sure he is safe."

"No, you're avoiding the question. Why does it mean so much to you that I'm looking after him?"

Katie struggled to decide what to say next. Tears started forming in her eyes as she decided to tell a partial truth. "Because I love him and I shouldn't have broken up with him."

Jack stopped where he was, not sure exactly how to respond to what had just told him. "You love him and still broke up with him?" She nodded her head, wiping tears from her eyes. He wanted to press for more information, but he could see that whatever the reason was that she broke up with Scott was a bad reason and she had been kicking herself for it since. "Well, if you ever need to talk, you can always call me if you decide," he said turning around. This time he walked out the door without Katie trying to stop him.

Katie turned her attention to Scott who slept soundly on her bed. She placed her hand over his face to see if he was breathing and much to her relief she felt his breath against her hand. 'Thank god he is breathing," she thought to herself. 'I want to lay with him and hold him...but I'm sure he wouldn't want to wake up to that.'

She grabbed the spare sheets and changed Liz's sheets so that she could sleep on a clean bed. After that, she changed into her sleeping clothes and got into Liz's bed. She looked over at Scott again, her heart still hurting and wishing things were different...that she had just told him the truth from the start.

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Katie didn't get much sleep at all that night and the sleep she did get was dreadful. Once again she looked over at Scott and saw he was still sound asleep. She checked to make sure he was still breathing and was relieved to see his chest rising and falling. Figuring that there was nothing better to do at the time, she decided to take a shower. The hot water helped relax her body and mind for the time being. After her shower she exited the bathroom and grabbed a clean towel. She started rubbing the towel over her body and looked over at her bed, this time seeing Scott awake on his side looking at her.

"Aren't you going to cover yourself up?" he asked groggily.

"You've already seen me naked," Katie responded in the nicest way she could sound, "so there is no need to hide anything." She saw him try to sit up. "Take your time sitting up. I'll get you some water and ibuprofen." She got a glass from the bathroom, filled it up and got some ibuprofen. She walked back to Scott and handed him the glass and ibuprofen.

"Thanks," he said grabbing the glass and accepting the ibuprofen into his other hand. He quickly put the pills in his mouth and drank the whole glass. Once done, he slowly laid back down onto the bed and finally noticed he wasn't in his room. "How did I get here? Why am I not in my dorm room?"

Katie thought for a few seconds on how she wanted to answer Scott's questions. "Steve's friend called me and asked me to help get you to your room saying you were passed out drunk. I told him I couldn't help carry you up to your room, but that my room is on the ground floor so it would be easier just to let you in my room and have you sleep in my bed."

Scott slowly processed what Katie told him, his headache still throbbing. "OK, that makes sense I guess. So do you know who Steve's friend is?"

Katie shook her head as she started to put on some underwear. "No, I've never seen him before."

Scott looked around and saw Katie's phone on her desk. "That stinks," he said looking towards her as to not let he know what he was planning. "I would like to know who has been making sure I stay safe."

"Well maybe you can ask Steve when he gets back later on today," Katie said as she started to put on a t-shirt. Scott as quickly as he could shot out of Katie's bed and grabbed her phone. "What are you doing?"

Scott quickly unlocked her phone while using his other hand to keep her away. It took only a few seconds for him to check her recent calls and the name at the top completely surprised him. "What the fuck?"

Scott stopped holding Katie back and she grabbed her phone. "I promise I didn't know until last night."

Scott turned and looked at her with disgust. "Fucking bull shit. You expect me to believe that?"

Katie opened up her recent calls and showed Scott the screen. "He tried calling him multiple times last night and I didn't answer until the last time." She started scrolling down to show all her other calls. "I haven't talked to him since high school." She then opened up her texts and showed Scott who she had been texting. "And I have not texted him at all."

"You just forgot to delete those calls, that's all."

"What? Do you think I'm seeing him? I hate him!"

"Obviously not enough to avoid all his calls."

Katie was shocked that Scott would say such a thing. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I told him to fuck off but then when he mentioned you were passed out drunk and needed to get you safe, I decided I would help him. That is the only reason why I even put myself around him, to make sure you were safe."

"Like you fucking care about me. You broke up with me for no good reason, only saying that we needed other people and that in the long run we wouldn't be good for each other."

That memory came back to Katie, remembering why she said those things, knowing that everything she told Scott the day was a lie. "I shouldn't have said those things."

"Why?" Scott yelled accusingly.

"Because none of that was true," Katie admitted, tears forming in her eyes.

Scott shook his head, angering rising in him. "Then why? Did you cheat on me?"

"No," Katie said shaking her head, tears streaming down her face.

"Then why the fuck did you breakup with me?"

It wasn't worth keeping up the lie anymore. Keeping the truth from Scott only hurt him and hurt her. No more running from the truth. "Because I had a miscarriage!" she screamed and no sooner than did she finally tell him the truth the weight came off her.

Scott however was shocked. He took two steps back, not expecting to hear Katie say that. "Wha...wha...miscarriage?"

Katie nodded her head, finally letting Scott know the truth. "I miscarried our baby and I didn't handle it well. I didn't want to bring you down because..." this next part Katie didn't want to admit to Scott, especially on this weekend, but she didn't want to lie to him any longer, "because I remembered how sad you were last year about remembering Melissa's stillborn baby."

Everything hit Scott at once. The reason why Katie mentioned that Steve would be back later and why Liz wasn't there. This was supposed to be the weekend all three families got together to remember Susan. "No," he said not wanting everything to be like this. "Not this weekend...I'm here getting drunk," he stopped and looked at Katie, seeing the tears coming down her face, "our baby..." He collapsed on the floor and started crying in the fetal position.

Katie sat down with him and started to rub his back. "Scott, I'm sorry," she apologized, sorry for putting all this on him at once.

"Shut up," Scott yelled, still crying. "Leave me alone and just let me die."

Katie couldn't believe Scott had just said that. "You're not going to die."

Scott pushed her away, got up and left. He felt around his jeans and felt his wallet still on him. He pulled it out, opened it and saw that his student ID was still in there. He proceeded to walk down the hallway, up the stairs to his floor and immediately went to his dorm room. He slammed the door and went to his bed, crying into his pillow. At that moment he wanted nothing more than his miserable life to end. 'I have nothing left to live for,' he thought. 'Life just finds another way to take away my happiness.'

Meanwhile Katie just sat where Scott had pushed her for several minutes, feeling guilty about what had just happened. She was happy to finally tell Scott the truth, but hated the way it had to come out with him screaming at her for the truth. After a time she got up and finished getting dressed, putting on a pair of sweatpants. She laid back in her bed and smelled Scott's scent. Immediately she started crying, his scent reminding her of everything she had missed about him. His scent, his humor, the way he hugged like no one else had, the way he made her feel beautiful...the way he loved her even though she had bullied him ever since they knew each other. She turned on her side, crying into her pillow until she fell asleep, completely drained.

"Katie," Liz said shaking her. "Katie, are you okay?" she asked concerned for her friend.

Katie opened her eyes slowly, seeing Liz's face. "Huh, yeah, I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You look like you cried yourself to sleep."

Katie slowly sat up, still feeling drained about what had happened earlier that morning. "No, I'm actually not okay," she admitted.

Liz sat down next to Katie on her bed. "I'm here for you if you want to talk."

"I do want to talk," Katie said feeling it necessary to no longer hide the truth from those close to her.

"Okay," Liz said smiling trying to be supportive.

Katie turned and looked Liz in the eyes. "I had a miscarriage."

Understanding came over Liz immediately as she hugged Katie tightly. "Oh my God Katie. Is that why..." she didn't want to finish the sentence.

"Yes," Katie said as she hugged Liz back, "that sent me in a downward spiral where...I broke up with Scott and I've wished I could take it back ever since."

Liz tightened her grip around Katie. "Does Scott know?"

Katie let go of the hug and gently pushed Liz back. "I just told him this morning."

"How? When did you talk to him?" Katie proceeded to tell Liz the events of the previous night and that morning. "Fuck...and this weekend of all weekends for him to find out."

"I know," Katie admitted, "but I couldn't lie to him any longer."

They sat there in silence for several minutes before Liz said something. "So...is there anything I can do to help. I mean...I know it happened in the summer but...fuck I don't know what I need to say."

Katie gave Liz a side hug and smiled. "Just be the best roommate you can for me like you have always been. If it were anyone else, I know don't if I would have kept my sanity throughout this."

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&

Scott had made up his mind that weekend what his plan was going to be. By the end of the weekend Steve knew the truth and tried his best to be there for him and comfort him, but Scott just wanted to be alone. 'No matter what I do, life will just find a way to take away my happiness,' he thought to himself several times throughout the week. He still attended all his classes during the week, did his homework, but deep down he was hurting. He was hurting worse than anyone knew and he wanted nothing more than that pain to end.

That Thursday night he went to the computer lab and wrote out several letters, each to someone important to him. He double checked each one of them, making sure he said everything that needed to be said before sending them to the printer. Once done he put them in a folder and into his backpack. He then headed back to his dorm room where Steve was sitting on the edge of his bed waiting for him.

"Hey Scott, are you alright?"

Scott let out a long breath, making it seem like he was letting the tension go from his body. "No, not really, but I will be one day."

Steve debated on what to say next. "Scott...I know that...are you really going to be okay?"

Scott knew this conversation was going to come sooner than later and he needed to end it before his mind was changed. "The news of the miscarriage hit me really hard Steve, but I can't just sulk about it forever. I just need to work through this."

Steve wasn't completely convinced, but didn't feel like pushing the issue. It was already late as it was and he needed to get to sleep. 'Why did I choose to have an 8am on Friday,' he thought to himself still trying to remember what possessed him to do something so stupid. "Okay, well I'm off to bed."

"Me too," Scott said taking off his clothes and putting on some athletic shorts to sleep in.

They both got into bed and said goodnight to each other. While Steve tried to get to sleep, Scott went over his plan in his head for the following day, thinking about every little detail. He was sure that he had the timing down for everything. Even when he thought he had the plan down pat, he still scrutinized it looking for some little detail he missed. After about an hour he decided that at that point the plan was going to be as good as it could be and he would just have to deal with any obstacles as they came.

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Scott woke up to the alarm on his phone and tapped the screen to turn it off. He sat up and looked over at Steve's bed, seeing it empty. He then pulled one of the letters he had typed out the previous night and laid it on Steve's bed. After getting dressed he put the folder of letters back in his backpack and put it on his back. He left his room and headed down two floors to Liz and Katie's room. Once he slid the two letters under the door he left and went to his car.

'Everyone is going to be happier once I'm gone,' he thought as he got into his car and drove home. He knew both of his parents would be at work and his sister would be in school for several more hours. He had memorized when Steve, Liz, and Katie went to their Friday classes and was thankful that his first Friday class was after theirs. 'Just two more letters to place and then I will do it.'

Little did he know that Katie's class had ended early and she headed back to her room to relax. Once she opened the door to her dorm room she saw two pieces of paper on the floor, one addressed to her and one addressed to Liz. She picked up the letter with her name on it and began to read it.

I'm sorry Katie for everything.

I know I shouldn't be sorry but I am. I'm sorry for what I said about your dad not loving you enough to not cheat on your mom. I'm sorry for not being a better person that day. I'm sorry for whatever reason youhad to not tell me you had a miscarriage when it actually happened instead of months later.

Just know your life and everyone else's will be better off without me.

Goodbye

Katie's eyes went wide as she finished reading the letter, immediately dropping it and running towards Scott's dorm room. Once there, she pounded on the door. "Scott, open up. Don't kill yourself!"

The resident advisor heard the commotion and got the universal keycard he had to open the door in case of emergencies. Once inside though Katie saw Scott wasn't in the room, but did see there was a letter addressed to Steve on his bed. 'He wrote a letter to each person he was close to.' Realization of where Scott should be next hit her as she ran out of the room and headed out of the dormitories to her car.

After she got into her car and started the engine, she immediately called Scott, but it went to voicemail. She tried again twice more but it just went to voicemail. "Shit!" she exclaimed out of frustration fearing that she might have been too late. Without wasting a second, she backed out of the parking space and made her way out of the parking lot. "God dammit Scott, please don't kill yourself," she said out loud. "Please don't. Fucking please don't."

It took her nearly forty-five minutes to get to Scott's house, much longer than she wanted as every minute mattered, a single minute late could mean life or death for Scott. She saw his car in the driveway and parked her car in the side. Once parked she ran into the house, happy that he didn't think to lock the door.

"Scott!" she screamed, hoping he would answer. "Scott where are you?" Panic set in that she might have been too late as she ran to his bedroom and saw him in his bed, sleeping, but not breathing normally. She ran out of his bedroom and to the bathroom and saw several open pill bottles. "Shit shit shit!" she cursed, grabbing her phone out of her pocket and immediately calling 911.

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The beeps of the machine tracking Scott's vitals were the only sounds in the room being made as Katie sat by his side, his hand in hers, praying that he would be okay. The paramedics told her that if she hadn't called when she did they wouldn't have been able to help him.

"Fuck Scott, don't you dare die on me," she said softly. "I know we've made so many damn mistakes, but don't you dare let this mistake of mine be the reason you take your life."

She sat there for several hours, only leaving him to use the restroom. Without even realizing it, she fell asleep next to Scott and was woken up by someone shaking her. When she opened her eyes she saw it was Scott's mom and his father and sister were there as well.

"How is he?" Jackie asked, concern very evident in her voice.

"They were able to pump most of the drugs out of his stomach," Katie said turning her head to look at Scott still unconscious, "but he swallowed a lot of pills."

Jackie rubbed her back, happy that Katie was with him during this time. "You can stay if you want as long as the hospital will let you. I already talked to your mom and she said you can stay with us if you need to."

Katie smiled and looked at Jackie. "Thank you."

Sarah approached next and quickly gave Katie a tight hug. "Thank you for looking after my idiot brother," she said squeezing Katie even tighter.

"Don't call him an idiot," Katie said harshly. "I don't care what you or anyone thinks of what he tried to do to himself, calling him an idiot won't fix anything."

Sarah released Katie from the hug and looked at her. "I know but...why..." she couldn't finish her sentence as she started to cry. Katie stood up from the chair and embraced Sarah.

"The why is not important right now. Right now, we just need to give him the reason to keep living."

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BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

'That sound...what is that sound.'

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

'I know that sound, but from where?'

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

'Someone is also holding my hand...why is my hand being held if I'm dead?'

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

'Wait...I'm not dead. I'm still...alive?'

Scott struggled to open his eyes, but the lights in the room were low. After a minute he was able to focus and see clearly straight ahead, realizing where he was.

'I'm in a hospital room...why am I here?'

He looked around until he saw Katie's head laid on his bed next to him, his hand in hers.