Love's Strange Course

Turning sideways she put her arm on the back of the sofa and lowered her face into the crook of her elbow and began to sob audibly. She wondered how she could have been so foolish, as she sat there crying. She wanted to stop, but couldn't. He wasn't worth the tears, but she was too broken hearted to prevent them. Even in her distraught state she saw the irony of her crying over him on the very sofa he'd first screwed her on, she could no long think of it as love making.

The next morning when she arrived at the office she felt conspicuous, it was as if everybody knew. She wondered how many jokes she'd been the butt of. After spending half the night crying, she'd decided to just come in and face the music, to get it over with. To her surprise, nothing seemed different, either nobody knew or they didn't care. It was just another day at the office. But she still had to face Rakauskas.

He was already at work when she got to her desk. They exchanged their usual neutral good morning greetings as she sat down. He didn't pay any more attention to her than usual. She started her own work, waiting for the shoe to fall. After an hour she decided to take the bull by the horns. She looked over at him. "You were right, your buddy Roselli dumped me last night."

"I'm not surprised," he said indifferently without looking up from his work. "You're better off."

"You tried to tell me, but I didn't listen and got hurt just like you said. You were right and I was wrong. So you can say your 'I told you so' any time now."

He sat upright in his chair, crossed his arms, and looked over at her. "I didn't do it so I could rub your face in it. Look, when Jimmy pulls his crap on some good time chick I've got no problem with it. It's just two people out for some fun, more power to them, enjoy. But you're not like that, I figured when the ax fell you were going to feel the pain. Look, it's like if somebody spilled something on the floor, and it was slippery, you'd expect me to say something. This was the same thing, I didn't want to see you get hurt. Maybe it was even selfish on my part, if I hadn't said something I'd be feeling guilty now. Instead, I feel sympathy, but it's with a clear conscience."

She'd primed herself for ridicule, sarcasm, even anger, but was totally unprepared for sympathy. Emotions rose in her and she felt her lower lip tremble. She pressed her teeth down on it to try and steady it. Her vision blurred as her eyes teared up. Seeing this, Eddie pushed his chair back from his desk and rolled over to the edge of hers.

"Hey, get a grip now, hold it together. You're starting to lose it." His voice was soothing. He picked up the box of tissues that was on the corner of her desk and handed it to her.

"It's just that I feel like an idiot." She felt his hand on her shoulder, it was a comforting gesture.

"No, you're not an idiot. You made a mistake that's all. That just proves you're human, the same as the rest of us." She nodded her head, then dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. "Now if you need somebody to talk to, just want to vent, let me know. I'll be glad to listen."

"No, I'll be all right." She smiled weakly. "Thanks though, it's a kind offer. I really do appreciate it."

But she'd lied; she did need to talk to someone, to let it all out. Unfortunately, she didn't know who to turn to. There were her girlfriends to be sure, but she didn't want to admit to any of them what had happened or how badly it affected her. And talking to her daughter about it was simply out of the question. She kept coming back to Ed. He had made the offer, he already knew what had transpired and seen how badly shaken it had left her. He seemed to be the logical choice. He seemed to be genuinely understanding. Perhaps she'd been wrong about him all these years; she'd thought Jimmy was a special and he turned out to be a rat bastard, so maybe the guy she'd always thought was a rat bastard would turn out to be nice. About two hours before quitting time she mustered up her courage, turned and faced him.

"Ed?" He looked over and nodded. "Look, when you said I could talk to you if I wanted, did you mean it?"

"Of course, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't. Why, need to let off a little steam?"

"Yeah, I think," there was a pause. "I'm not really sure what I need or what to say. I just think I have to air things out in front of someone. Talking to myself hasn't helped. Sure you don't mind?"

"No, not at all, I think I understand. Do you want to take a break now and do it?"

"No, not here, I know it's an imposition, but could we go somewhere after work, you know, where nobody from the office will see us? I don't want any witnesses if I start crying." Ed couldn't help but think that this was more than he'd bargained for, but he had made the offer. Besides, he could tell she was hurting or she wouldn't have reached out to him, of all people.

"Well, if we went and sat on a bench in the park in this weather, we'd have privacy and would probably both end up with pneumonia. Mulroony's is out, too many of our co-workers stop there. How about this? I know a bar that has good food, I stop there sometimes to eat on my way home. I'll drive you there, we'll have a bite, we'll talk, then I'll drive you back to your car. Sound good?"

"I don't want to put you to so much trouble."

"Nonsense, it's no trouble. They have great burgers."

"If you're sure, I'd be awfully grateful."

Approximately two and a half hours later they were seated at a table in the barroom. It seemed a nice place to Carrie; one of those establishments where it's difficult to tell if its main function was as a bar or restaurant.

She chose to sit not opposite him, but at a right angle so she could talk quietly and still be heard. After ordering a club sandwich and a vodka on the rocks she tried to explain.

"Like I said at the office, I'm not sure what to say here, I just know I have to talk. I hope I'm not wasting your time, because I'm not really sure where to start."

"OK then, I take it that it started the night of the dinner dance?"

"Yes, he kind of swept me off my feet. For a couple of weeks I was on Cloud Nine, then the roof fell in."

"And how did it end? He just got up one morning and dumped you?"

"Kind of, I made reservations to go to a St. Valentines night dinner and when I called to tell him, he told me he had plans for that night with his wife."

"Aw Jesus, that's cold even for him."

"I felt like such a fool; foolish, used, abused, taken for granted, stupid, silly, and any other damned thing you can think of. I spent last night crying myself to sleep."

The waitress arrived with their food. Carrie ordered another vodka then they continued to talk between bites.

"You can't keep calling yourself a fool. You got played, granted, but that happens to everybody sooner or later. Just rise above it, pick up the pieces and move on."

"Yeah, but I convinced myself it was love, that he was leaving his wife for me. I didn't even have any sympathy for her, turned out I was the 'other woman'. I feel terrible about that. Like some sort of aging slut."

"Hey, I know his wife, don't waste your time feeling sorry for her. She's not much better than he is. If any body's an aging slut here, it's her. Another thing, making a mistake doesn't mark you for life, you're not a slut."

Again, the unexpected kindness opened up a surge of emotions in her. Her eyes welled up and her lower lip began to tremble, much like they had earlier at work. Ed picked up a napkin from the table and leaned forward, ready to wipe away any tears, much like a parent ready to console a hurt child. Then, on an impulse, he wiped away some crumbs from her sandwich off of her lips and kissed her. It was a quick, light kiss, more comforting than passionate. If it had been on her cheek or forehead she'd have thought nothing more of it. But it was on the lips, and this left her confused.

"Why?" she asked without a trace of anger or reproach in her voice, just bewildered curiosity. "What made you do that?"

He looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. "You looked like you needed it."

She reached out and patted his hand, "I did, thanks."

"So, tell me, were you in love with him, or just in love with the idea of being in love?"

"I don't know." She thought for a moment, "I guess with the idea of being in love. I didn't know him well enough, obviously, to really be in love with him. I was lonely and he popped into my life. He said and I quote, 'my wife and I have sort of gone our own ways', so it seemed like the perfect situation. And it was, for him."

"Well, it was understandable under the situation, a lot of other women would have thought the same thing. Don't beat yourself up over it."

Carrie sat straight up and looked at him, "This little talk has helped a lot. You're pretty good at this, maybe you should have been a therapist."

"Now who'd go for therapy from a guy who doesn't appear to be doing so well in the relationship department?"

At first she thought he was turning sarcastic, but when she looked at him he was smiling. He gave her a friendly wink. Relieved, she smiled back and shook her head.

"I never should have said anything like that, I was horrid. I hope you'll forgive and forget."

"You weren't horrid, you thought I was interfering, and you struck back. Just a case of self-defense." He sounded reassuring.

"No, I was horrid. It was a mean spirited and hateful thing to say. I'm sorry for it. But, tell me, how is it you're still single anyway? I've come to the conclusion in the last couple of hours that you're actually a pretty nice guy. So how does it happen that you're not married with a bunch of little Rakouskases to support?"

"That's a kind of convoluted story, and probably kind of stupid sounding. I'll tell you what; I'll try to explain it if you'll tell me something that I don't understand."

"What might that be?" Carrie was interested now.

"I'm not asking this out of anything but curiosity; no reproach, no judgment, or anything like that. I'd just like to know. You've seen Jimmy operate around the office, you know his reputation, how does an intelligent woman like yourself not see through him. Like I said earlier, the good time girls and assorted bimbos, I understand. They're out for fun. You could do so much better, but still..." He trailed off.

Carrie sat and sorted out her thoughts. "The best way I can say it is like this. Yes, I've seen him at work, saw him flirt and hit on other women. I've even laughed to myself when he seemed to sucker them in. But they were usually good looking, often young. So when he moved on me, all I could think was that he must put me in the same league as the others; I was flattered. And as I don't have a reputation for being easy, or at least I don't think I do, I thought he must really think I'm special. I guess it's a form of self-delusion. But that's the way it worked for me."

"I think I get it. Oh, and you're right, you don't have a reputation for being easy, and I don't think this little incident will change that. It may boost his rep a little, but you're safe."

"Thanks, now your story."

"Well this is really going to sound dumb, but here it goes. I never got over my first girlfriend. We started going together in high school and continued for a few years afterwards. She was away at college and one weekend she came home and broke it off; cold turkey."

"And you're still hung up on her?"

"Not exactly, I was over her way back when, however I've never forgotten the feeling of being with her. You know, not the feeling of sex, or adoring worship or any of that silliness. The feeling of a lover and best friend and other half all rolled into one. Having someone that you want to be around all the time, not just when it's convenient. Man, if I could experience one iota of that feeling again with a woman, I'd be hers for as long as she'd have me."

"Never found it?"

"Nope, never. Guess it was asking for too much."

"Seems like we have some things in common. Your idea of love isn't all that different than mine." With that she finished her drink.

"I don't want to be a pest, but that's your fourth vodka. I'm thinking it might be time to call it quits. You only ate half your sandwich and a club sandwich isn't going to soak up all that much of the sauce anyway."

She nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah, I guess I got carried away. I'm not used to the hard stuff."

"Well I don't like the idea of you driving home in this condition. How about we leave your car in the lot at work, I'll drive you home and pick you up in the morning on my way to the office. You can get your car after work."

"That'd be putting you to a lot of trouble, I think I'm all right to drive."

"Maybe you are and maybe you aren't, let's not risk it."

She agreed, Ed paid the check over her protestations and they left. On the ride home as she gave directions she asked him simply, "Are we friends now?"

"After spilling our guts to each other, I hope so. If not we just gave each other lots of ammunition to use the next time we have a run in."

"That's true," she smiled. "Too bad we didn't know we weren't a couple of jerks years ago, because I can't help but think we should have been friends a long time ago."

"We should have, but we weren't. The funny thing is I don't even remember what started our little feud."

"No, now that you mention it neither do I."

"Well, that explains why we didn't know we weren't a couple of jerks; we were acting like a couple of jerks."

When she pointed out her apartment house, he pulled the car over. When she got out, he followed, walking her to the door. She paused as he pulled out his wallet and removed a card. He handed it to her.

"Here, my cell phone number is on this. Call me in the morning if you decide to stay home or if you want to remind me to pick you up. I won't forget, but you might want the reassurance."

"Good, I'll be going in, but I'll still call just to know when to expect you. It's kind of cold to be standing out here waiting. And thanks again. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all this." She kissed him quickly on the cheek. "Till the morning."

"OK, just get some sleep." Then he left.

The next morning she waited in front of the building for him. When his car pulled up she got in quickly.

"Good morning, and thanks again for doing this."

"No big deal. How're you feeling this morning anyway?"

"Good actually, our talk yesterday helped a lot and the vodka put me to sleep. So here I am; well rested and my mind at peace, ready to face the day, thanks to you and the good folks at Smirnoff's. I don't think I'm going to make a habit out of the liquor, but it helped."

"Glad to hear that, I was worried."

"What a difference a day makes though. If you knew what I was thought of you twenty four hours ago, you'd probably throw me out of the car right now."

"That bad was it?"

"Well I was sure you'd be giving me all sorts of grief. So, when I went in let's just say I was pumping myself up for a fight."

"We'll try to put that all behind us."

The office had a different feel for Carrie that morning. Having a friend at the next desk instead of an advisory removed a lot of stress and made things more enjoyable, or at least as enjoyable as work can be. Later that morning, however, as she wove her way through the desks she ran into Jimmy Roselli.

"Hi Carrie, can we talk for a minute?"

"Look Jimmy, I don't have time for this, I've work to do."

"It won't take long, I'd like to explain. You hung up on me before I had a chance to."

Carrie sighed and walked out into the hall with him. Ed watched from his desk and shook his head. It seemed to him she was going to make the same mistake again. He hoped he wouldn't get stuck picking up the pieces one more time. There was a limit to his sympathies. She returned to her desk about ten minutes later.

"So, I just had a talk with Jimmy."

"Yeah, I saw that."

"He explained that he wasn't trying break things off with me, but he and his wife were keeping up appearances for the sake of the kids. But there's no reason we can't go on seeing each other. This whole thing was just some misunderstanding."

"And what did you say?"

"I told him to shove it up his fucking ass. I'm not as gullible as he thinks."

"Good for you."

"But it reminded me of something; I never cancelled those dinner reservations I'd made. If you don't have any plans, I'd like it if you went with me, my treat. A payback for yesterday."

"I'm free, but you needn't pay, we can split the tab."

"No, I want to. When I made the reservations I was going to pay for that clown's dinner, so I'm quite happy to pay for yours. I'm celebrating. What do you say"

"I say let's do it." He was hoping he wasn't getting in too deep.

Two nights later she was sitting at the restaurant with him. It was kind of an elegant affair with a limited menu. She was having lobster, he ordered the prime rib. She watched as he devoured the beef. Some people were meant to eat steak, and it appeared Ed was one of them.

"How is it?" she asked.

"Damned good, but really, this is going to cost you dearly. Let me pay for my half at least."

"No. I said it was on me and I meant it."

"All right then, but I owe you a dinner somewhere down the line. I'm going to hold you to it."

"Well, I do have a birthday coming up, if we're still on friendly terms that is."

"We will be, it's a date."

As they ate they made small talk, it was still hard for Carrie to believe that this was the same guy she'd held in distain for so many years. Now she found him to be pleasant and good humored and, as she'd found out earlier in the week, both kind and compassionate. She was sorry it had taken so long for her to realize this. She now found him charming.

As they finished their meal, she couldn't help but feel there was one thing wrong. It had been a delightful evening, but as she looked about the room she felt out of place. Other couples in the room were all either married, young lovers, or couples who wanted to be lovers. She and Ed were just two co-workers using up reservations that were made to further a romance that went afoul. She felt a twinge of sadness as she remembered she was still alone When his car pulled up in front of her apartment house, she invited him up for a drink. He accepted and they went in. Once inside they sat down on the sofa, the same sofa where her little drama had started.

"What will you have? I've got rum, red and white wine, and some beer."

"Whatever you're having, I'll join you."

"Red wine, then." Carrie was struck by the familiarity of the situation. She hope she wasn't being led down the same path as she'd been last month. She pushed the thought out of her head; same situation, different guy, hopefully different results.

She went to the kitchen and returned with two glass of zinfandel. As they sat sipping the wine, she asked a question that had been bothering her for the last month.

"Eddie, remember the night of the dinner dance?"

"Of course, what about it?"

"When I was dancing with Jimmy, at one point I saw you looking over and laughing. It seemed to me like you had made a joke at my expense. Did you? No hurt feelings, I've just been curious."

He sat and thought for a second, "At your expense, no, about you, kind of. As I remember I'd asked the guys if they thought you'd put your old wedding ring on. Married women on the make are a specialty of Jimmy's. He gets off on, shall we say, playing with other guys toys? A ring affects him like catnip does a cat."

"Then basically, I wasn't even a quick fling with him, just another notch on his gun belt." Setting her glass down, she felt a wave of melancholia pass over her.

Seeing her shift in mood, Ed put his glass down on the floor. He remembered the kiss he'd given her at the bar earlier in the week had changed her mood, perhaps it would work now. He decided to give it a try. But this one was going to be different.