Loving Lill, A Christmas Romance

My stomach turned when I thought about how different things would have been if we hadn't been at school that week...the things that never would have happened. I finished packing my bags and went to the lobby to wait for Blake.

He pulled up in front of my dorm in his black, sporty Hyundai Genesis and came inside.

"Hey, babe!" he called, jogging up to me. He took my face in his hands and kissed me, then whispered, "Hey. I'm sorry about yesterday."

While I appreciated the apology, it really wasn't okay. I took a deep breath and plunged in, "You know, Blake, I don't appreciate you swearing at me or man-handling me in front of your friends."

"I know, babe. And I'm sorry. We can talk about it later, okay?"

And just like that, he dismissed it.

*****

Sunday, December 24, Christmas Eve

*****

There was no doubt that it was Christmas at the Parkens house. My mom always decorated to the hilt. Decorations filled every corner and ever surface in the house. Christmas music was playing, the fire was crackling, the candles were lit, and the aroma of mom's home-cooking filled the air. I placed the last present under the tree and stood back admiring the room. Soon, the house would be filled with family for our annual Christmas Eve party.

As expected, my grandmother arrived first with my great aunt. My other aunts, uncles and my cousins trickled in within the next hour.

It was almost four o'clock. My cousin Aiden was later than fashionably late, as usual. My Uncle was offering the first toast of the evening when the doorbell chimed. I left the family room to answer it. "You're late," I joked while I opened the door.

But the joke was on me. I felt like something slammed into my chest. It wasn't Aiden who stood at the front door. It was Lill.

*****

The moment I saw Logan standing in the doorway, I felt a butterflies in my chest. He was so handsome. I'd always known it, but it had different meaning now. His curls toppled onto his forehead, and his crystalline eyes were set off by his navy blue v-neck sweater with a light-blue button-down shirt peeking out the top.

I needed to talk to him. I had wanted to since Friday, but the weather hadn't cooperated. It had snowed and snowed Friday and Saturday. I thought about texting or calling, but what I had to say needed to be done in person.

Sunday, Christmas Eve, was the first day that the roads were mostly clear, though some were still slushy. My parents didn't like the idea of me making the two-and-a-half-hour trip, not to mention that it was Christmas Eve. But there was more snow in the forecast in the coming days, and I couldn't wait any longer. In the end, they had reluctantly agreed, but it wouldn't have mattered because whether they had or not, I would have come. I had to.

Logan just stood there staring at me, his expression blank. My heart sank. Was he upset with me? Was it wrong of me to come on Christmas Eve? My stomach lurched. Had his feelings for me changed already? He said he'd been in love with me for a long time. Was it possible that he'd been able to block out those feelings in a matter of two days? No. No. I had to believe that couldn't be.

"Hi," I said, tucking some hair behind my ear.

"What are you doing here?" He was expressionless and his tone was curt. He stepped forward at the same moment that I did, and we met at the threshold. He placed his hand on my upper arm, "Are you okay?"

I wanted to hug him and feel his arms close around me. But I was scared. What if he pushed me away? I don't think I could take rejection from him after the emotional turmoil I'd been through over the past few days, though I'm sure it was nothing compared to how he'd felt for so long.

I took in an unsteady breath. "Yeah. I—I'm sorry. I knew you would be here because of your family party, but—I didn't really think about the fact that your whole family would be here."

I could see him struggling not to smile, but in the end a smirk won out. "Well, yeah. 'family party' kind of indicates family." He picked up a few strands of my hair, studying the snowflakes that had collected there. Then, he looked beyond me and commented, "It's snowing."

"Yeah. It's been snowing since I left campus. Today was the first day the roads were passable. I wanted to... Logan, I really—"

"What are you and Aidan doing, dear? You're freezing the house out." A woman appeared in the doorway, whom I assume was Logan's mother. When she noticed me her eyebrows shot up and she said in surprise, "Oh! Who's this?"

He stepped back, putting distance between us again. "Mom, this is Lill."

"Oh." It was only one word, but the way she said it, and the way she smiled at me gave me the idea that she knew who I was. I wondered whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. She smiled. "Hello, dear." Then her attention switched to her son. "Well, don't make her stand out there in the cold, Logan. Let her in."

"Oh, no. I—I just—"

"Come in dear," his mother insisted. She moved Logan aside and put a hand behind my shoulder, guiding me into the house.

I closed my eyes when the door shut behind me, "Oh, God," slipped out of my mouth under my breath. It hadn't even crossed my mind what it would mean—showing up on Christmas Eve in the middle of a family party. All I was focused on was finally getting to talk to Logan. Was I going to have to meet all his family right then? Before I even had the chance to—

"Come in and join the party," his mother offered. She walked ahead of us, going back into the family room.

Logan sighed with his hands on his hips. I don't think he wanted to go in there, either. "Why are you here, Lill?" He sounded impatient and a little irritated.

I moved closer to him, but he took a deliberate step back, so I stopped about two feet from him. I stole a glance into the family room, and saw that a number of people were already eying us. Me. My stomach began to churn. "Please, Logan. Can we talk? Somewhere else."

His face was as blank as his tone when he responded, "Yeah, sure."

He held out an arm for me to go ahead of him in the opposite direction of the family room, thank God. Our shoes clanked on the wood floors while we walked down a short hallway and through a swinging door into the kitchen. That was his idea of where we should talk? I had somewhere more private in mind. I moved closer to him, but he stepped away again.

"Logan, isn't there—"

"What did you want to talk about?"

Okay, then. I guess the kitchen would have to do. "About what you said the other day. When we argued."

Sighing loudly, he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Lill. I shouldn't have said those things to you."

"No. You were right. About everything."

I tried to get closer to him again. I just needed to touch him. But he leaned back against the granite countertop and crossed his arms.

"How was your trip?"

"What?"

"Your ski trip."

"Oh. I didn't go."

"You didn't go."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I—we broke up."

"You broke up."

I noticed the change in his tone. No longer irritated and edgy, but skeptical and curious. He leaned his body toward me slightly, his bum not leaving the edge of the counter.

"Yes."

His chest rose and fell while he took a deep breathe. "Lill. Why did you come here?"

When he spoke, his voice was thick and strained with emotion. I could see the hesitation and hurt in his eyes, and it pained me to know that I'd been the cause. It wasn't the first time I'd seen that face, but it was the first time I understood it.

My nose started to tingle and moisture gathered in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over the edge. A lump formed in my throat and I wasn't sure what would happen if I spoke. I stood there, an arm's length away, playing nervously with a ring on my finger. Taking a breath, I prayed I could string a sentence together.

"I needed to see you."

His face took on a look of disbelief. His eyebrows rose and he sucked in a breath while his hands moved to grip the countertop behind him.

I couldn't take it any longer. I wanted to feel the comfort of his arms around me. I needed affirmation that he still wanted me. And if he was going to push me away then at least I would know where I stood. Rushing forward, I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. The moment I did, my tears refused to stay at bay, and a few slipped down my cheek. I closed my eyes and hid my face in his chest. He felt so good.

"Logan, I'm so sorry," I sniffled.

*****

Lill's sudden embrace took me by surprise. I was still absorbing what she'd just said, and I dared not hope too much in case I was wrong. But I couldn't help but envelope her in my arms. She looked so vulnerable, and I couldn't bear to see her cry. My heart was pounding. But while I stood there, holding the woman I loved in my arms, I realized that for the first time, maybe—just maybe—she was there for me.

I held her tightly and stroked her silken hair while I soothed, "Shhh. No need to cry."

After a moment, I loosened my grasp a little and looked down at her. She had her head buried in my sweater, and her long locks of hair were like a curtain, shielding her face from my view. With my forefinger hooked under her chin, I lifted her head. My heart lurched seeing her tear-stained cheeks.

"Oh, Lill," I sighed, taking her face in my hands and wiping away her tears with my thumbs.

She grasped my wrists, closing her eyes and nuzzling one of my hands. It was a simple gesture, but it took my breath away. I was having difficulty maintaining composure myself. After all this time... Just—wow.

She looked into my eyes, hers still wet with tears, and I could see the longing there—matching my own. And I knew I had to kiss her. Slowly, I leaned toward her. She gasped as I leaned in, our lips so close that I could feel her breath on my neck. Heaven help me, I could have swooped her into my arms right then and taken her back to my room.

"I'm not sure. Let me see." It was Logan's mother, her voice coming from the other side of the kitchen door. The swinging door to the kitchen swung open. "Logan? Are you—Oh! Um...you are in here. Your, uh, cousin Aiden just arrived, and he was asking where you were."

Her timing was impeccable. She arrived just when I was about to kiss Lill, who had since turned away with her arms crossed and chin on her chest while she nervously shuffled her feet on the floor. The look on my mom's face was a mixture of weariness and embarrassment. I knew she was worried about what she'd just seen. She knew how long I'd been pining for Lill.

I gave her a reassuring smile. "Thanks, mom. I— We'll join you in just a minute."

She raised her eyebrows at me, a warning, I imagine. But she left the room, all the same.

I walked up behind Lill and rubbed a knuckle on her upper arm. She turned to face me. Her heart-shaped face was still tear streaked and there was a whole lot of doubt in those pretty toffee-colored eyes. I smiled and caressed her cheek with my knuckles—something I'd wanted to do for so long.

"Well, what do you say?" I jerked my head toward the other room.

"I can't go in there!" She backed up into the counter, shaking her head and looking panicked.

I couldn't help but chuckle. This self-assured girl? I'd never seen her so freaked out. "Well, you're the one that crashed my family party. I think you'll have to because we're not done talking, and I need to make an appearance in there. It's the only time of year I see some of them."

"Logan—I'm nervous."

"Why?"

"I just...There's a lot of them. And I want them to like me."

My heart felt like someone put it in a vice. It mattered to her what my family thought of her. That comment meant more to me than she could know.

I put on the smile I reserved for her alone, and I held her upper arms. "They will love you." Just like I do. "Okay?"

She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Do you want to freshen up a bit first?"

"Ohmygod. I must look a mess!"

I cupped her chin with my hand. "You're always beautiful, even when you cry. But if you go out there like that, they're likely to ask even more questions." I smiled and pointed to the half bath. "Here you go. I'll wait here."

Two minutes later, Lill came out of the bathroom as radiant as ever. I don't know how she managed to erase the evidence of her crying, but she had.

"You look great. Ready?"

I gestured down the hallway. She looked at me nervously, but took a deep breath and moved forward. When we arrived in the doorway to the family room, I think it's safe to say that nearly every pair of eyes in the room was on us. Lill tensed, her posture rigid, and I felt a pang of guilt. My family...they're good people. But the given situation could make anyone uncomfortable.

When I started into the room, she grabbed the sleeve of my sweater and looked at me with frightened saucer eyes. I stepped back so I could speak to her without the others hearing, placing my hand on her forearm for comfort. "Hey, it's okay. I'm right here. I promise, they're not as scary as they look," I chuckled.

I slid my hand down her arm, my fingers barely grazing hers. She responded by curling her pinky around the tips of my fingers, which was all the encouragement I needed to shift my hand and take hold of hers. My heart was pounding. It hadn't topped since I saw her on my front stoop. If it continued like that, I wasn't sure I'd make it through the evening without having a heart attack.

I looked into the room of all my relatives, and raised my voice, "Hey, everyone. Listen up." I waited a few seconds until they quieted down, and then continued light-heartedly, "This is Lill. Now—you know you all can be overwhelming, so—be nice."

Holding her hand, I kept her close to my side as we began to mingle. I just hoped my family wouldn't behave like piranhas or a pack of wolves. All I needed was them scaring her off before we even had anything started. And I did warn them.

I knew Aiden was my safest bet, so we headed over there first. He knew exactly who Lill was. We were the same age, cousins and best friends, but we grew up so close that we were more like brothers. I had told Aiden all about Lill. I only hoped he knew better than to tell her.

Aiden didn't let me down. He was a perfect gentleman as well as a good conversationalist. Although he did give me a few looks to let me know he was amused by us holding hands. There's no way I would be able to avoid his interrogation, which I could count on within the next few days.

Lill and I made our way through the room, all my aunts, uncles and cousins being friendly and welcoming. Even my protective younger sister, Claire, was pleasant, though I wasn't sure how long that would last. Despite most of them not knowing who she was and seeing us holding hands, no one had asked the dreaded question of whether she was my girlfriend, to my relief. That would have been awkward.

After grazing on some finger foods everyone sat down for our gift exchange around 7 PM. I steered Lill to the back of the room, away from the group and the big tree. There was a skinny Christmas tree in the corner near the baby grand piano, and I settled her on the piano bench before excusing myself for a moment.

I returned and sat down next to her. She was watching my family with a sweet smile on her rosy lips. I wanted so much to kiss her, but I was afraid if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop, and that would sure be awkward.

"I have something for you," I confessed.

"You do?"

I nodded and pulled out a flat square box from behind me where I'd set it when I came back into the room.

*****

"What's this?" I asked when Logan handed me the navy-blue box that had a gold-foil ribbon embossed on the top.

He didn't answer, just grinned. I took the lid off. Inside was a 3D, silver, metal, laser cut, Christmas tree ornament of a figure skate. Turning it over in my hand, I examined the detailed cutout. It was beautiful, like a lacey snowflake.

"From our outing last Sunday."

It was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever given me. There was a lump in my throat and I felt like I might cry again. My eyes became glassy and I took a shaky breath. It was such a romantic moment that all the noise from Logan's family faded into the background, and it felt like it was just us.

"It's beautiful. How...when did you get this?"

"That night when I returned the skates. I was going to give it to you in the café, but then I wasn't sure..."

A single tear rolled down my cheek, but it never made it to my jawline because Logan wiped it away with a gentle brush of his finger. I took another unsteady breath, and blinked several times to clear my eyes. I didn't want to turn into a water fountain in front of his whole family.

I looked into his eyes, wanting to convey everything I was feeling. While giving his shoulder a nudge, I squeezed his hand. "I love it. Thank you." I could barely contain myself from throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him with every bit of emotion I was feeling. The time when we could finally be alone couldn't come soon enough.

After the gift exchange, more wine was poured. Some of the family sat down to play games and others began telling stories of family antics. Logan went to speak with his parents for a few minutes while I stood listening on the fringe of the storytelling group.

When Logan returned, he came up and squeezed my shoulder from behind, speaking quietly into my ear, "Hey. Why don't we go talk?"

A smile formed on my lips, and I nodded in agreement. He slipped his hand into mine, and we stole away from the group. Passing through the kitchen, we went out the side door and up a flight of stairs.

"Where are we going?"

"I have an apartment over the garage."

Once inside, we both placed out wet shoes on the mat by the front door. Logan turned on the electric fireplace because the room felt chilly, especially after being in a warm house full of people. As soon as he'd dropped his keys on the kitchen counter I lunged, hugging him tightly. My cheek rested on his soft sweater and my head fitting into the crook of his neck. I could smell his spicy cologne, and it made me smile. It was the same scent I'd been breathing the night we fell asleep on his sofa.

"Logan, I'm so sorry," I said, my breath catching.

I was trying not to turn into a blubbering fool, but it was very emotional for me. It's not like I tell someone my deepest feelings every day. His arms circled around me, and I felt safe and warm—and loved. My nose tingled and my eyes stung but I managed to stay composed. I had things I needed to say.

"What's there to apologize for?"

He stroked my hair with one hand while the other gently rubbed my lower back. It was such a simple act, but it felt so sensual because it was perfect. I was right where I belonged.

"For being so blind—for so long. I wasted so much time on him. I don't know how I didn't see it."

"What changed?" He lifted my chin so our eyes met.

His eyes were searching. I knew he needed that connection—to know that I was sincere. But it was difficult for me because I felt guilty and foolish for not understanding my own feelings for so long. I swallowed and wet my lips, then took a deep breath.

"It was what you said that night. You asked me why I put up with him. I wondered myself. But when you said you couldn't stand around anymore and then you said goodbye, I felt like you were saying goodbye for good. I ran back to my room. I couldn't think straight. I was crying and confused—sick to my stomach. When I thought that I might not see you again I was panicked. It felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest, and I couldn't breathe. It was—paralyzing." I reached up and caressed his cheek. "That's the moment I knew."