Malcubus Ch. 04: Customer Service

Rosie raised a hand into the air. "I don't, by the way."

Caitlin began to voice a greeting to her, then blinked upon seeing Rosie's face. "Um. Sorry, hi, I'm Caitlin." She was probably wondering what I was doing with a high school prom queen.

I stood dumbly as Rosie flashed a winning smile. "Hey Caitlin, I'm Rosie." She nudged me with an elbow. "Introductions are meant to be your job, you big goof."

"No, it's fine, it's nice to meet you," Caitlin said. "So how do you know Eric?"

I was on the sidelines from then on. As much as Caitlin had been initially happy to seeme, Rosie guided the conversation while my friend stared into her eyes like a puppy. I was half-tuned out, reeling from hownormal Rosie was acting. She hadn't grabbed my butt, made any double entendres or even ogled Caitlin's tits. She was actually acting like sex wasn't the foremost thing on her mind. She was also spinning an impressive story, all things considered -- she was a strictly mortal girl named Rosie Murdoch, recently moved here from a podunk country town to attend university after the holidays finished. The best part was how we'd met: church.

"Oh, that's... cool," Caitlin said. "Wait -- Moira's family is, like, way into that stuff, and they live right nearby."

Yes, that was an unfortunate 'coincidence.' "Yeah, we see her there sometimes."

Caitlin nodded in sympathy. "Awkward. I would just not go... Rosie, did you meet Moira there? She's my best friend, not just this guy's ex, so she's actually pretty cool..."

"Eric told me about her just yesterday," Rosie said smoothly. "I haven't met her properly yet, though." No, I thought -- she's just had a squirting orgasm right outside her bedroom.

"She's cool, and you're cool, but-- wait, you just moved here, where are you staying?"

They descended back into the conversational depths of feminine small talk, and I'd almost stopped listening when a thought bubble appeared in my brain. {She likes you,} Rosie sent, making me jump a little; the two were still talking animatedly. {No, not like I do, although she is more impressed by tall white guys than most. No, she just thinks you're sweet -- and smart. Goofy too, but she really did like being your friend back when you and Moira still hung out.}

If only this 'sending' power was two-directional. I settled for waggling my eyebrows noncommittally.

{Oh, I know she's not as hot as me, but don't let me go to your head. Shave off thirty pounds, give her a couple of lessons in hair care and make-up, Caitlin could have any man she wanted... and I could make her want someone sweet, smart, goofy - }

"Anyway, Elvira said she'd meet me at the Coffee Club at quarter to," Caitlin said, "and it's getting there, so..."

"Say no more," I nodded. "But it was good to see you, Caitlin."

"We really do need to catch up, though. And hey, you too Rosie! Eric -- I'll message you, yah? Meet up later in the holidays." Caitlin nodded to my 'friend from church'. "Really great to meet you, Rosie."

"It was really nice to meet you too!" Rosie said, and leaned in for a quick (and, astonishingly, platonic) hug. The Asian girl looked surprised but not upset at the contact. We waved our goodbyes and rejoined the flow of foot traffic. I waited until Caitlin was well out of earshot before speaking.

"What the hell was that?"

Rosie's face was pure, virginal innocence. "What was what?"

"That," I waved my hand. "Normality. Friendliness. Not trying to, I don't know, fondle her you-know-whats or something."

She gave a melodramatic gasp of offense. "Did I do something wrong?"

"I thought - " I waited until a couple of men passed us. One of them looked back at Rosie wistfully, but turned away when he saw I was watching. "I didn't know you could, you know, act."

Rosie giggled. "I can do a lot of things." {I feed on sex, master. With you I can be honest - well, most of the time - but I have to be able to court other mortals, and that takes acting and 'normality'.}

I frowned, trying to phrase a question that wouldn't make me sound like a crazy person to anyone overhearing us. "Ahem. So you, uh, liked Caitlin?"

"She's really nice. You should make an effort to be friends with people like that, Eric." {And no, I wasn't trying to 'court' her just then. Believe me, she wouldn't have walked away if I had been. I was just leaving the option open, for you or me, at a later date.}

"Is that what you're gonna do..."

"Just in general." {I don't disqualify anyone as an option, Eric. Plus, isn't this more 'discreet' than me shoving my tongue down your throat every chance I get?"

"Yeah, true," I replied. Man, this dual conversation thing would get exhausting. "So you might... make friends with other women?"

{If you're okay with it,} "sure!"

"I'm not - uh, what about other men?"

The old Rosie came back as she slipped her hand around my waist and hugged herself against me with an affectionate sigh. {No, dummy - I mean master. I can tell when you're being jealous, you know.}

I blushed. "It's just hard not to think of you as... as my girlfriend."

{Just think of me asyours," she sent before reaching up to try and kiss me. Walking as we were, she only got my chin. "No-one's gonna steal me away from you, stud." {Of course, if you want, I could always broaden your tastes a little. Let you see why I find your cock so tasty...}

"Eugh! No! Please do not do that!"

{Fine. But that still leaves half the planet for us. Master, you had better get to work.}

So I guess that left us in a relationship. A polygamous, predatory, almost-certainly-cosmically-Evil relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. Damn; I'd started to think it would never happen again. In return for my cooperation and regular donations of sperm to the Power of Lust, she was promising to twist my DNA like a kitten with a ball of yarn. Better, faster, stronger, and definitely hornier. Well, that was what Dad always said: every relationship has some give and take.

Already I was adding more questions to the ever-expanding List in my head, the long list of topics to interrogate Rosie about if she'd stop trying to have sex with me for fifteen straight minutes. What I really needed to do was get her back in a pentagram, bound so that I could speak with her face-to-face rather than body-to-body. Except I wasn't even sure if I understood my instructions well enough to do that... and I really liked that body-to-body interaction. It wasn't just the sex. For the first time in months, a girl was talking to me, caring for me, showering me with affection (even if her motives were less than virtuous). I'd forgotten how much I missed that. It was all a lot to deal with. Even if I wasn't so distracted, I mostly read ebooks, so I wouldn't ordinarily be in the bookstore... or approaching the cute purple-haired chick reorganizing the chick-lit section.

"I can't do this," I whispered.

{You can and you will.}

"I don't just go up to girls and talk to them," I told a shelf full of paperbacks. "I just don't."

{Before you met me you didn't get laid, either. Look, Eric, I know what I'm doing here. I was born an expert in this sort of thing, and I'll walk you through it.}

"I'm sweating. She'll see I'm sweaty."

{Oh, for sin's sake. Look, if you ask her for her number - you don't even need to get it, just ask her for it - I'll reward you. Memorably.}

I gulped. "That's not, uh, helping with the nerves." But I went.

The shopgirl was doing something with the shelf full of Twilight clones -- scanning their barcodes? Her body was nothing special (at least from what I could see through the uniform), but she didn't bear any of the facial piercings or obvious tattoos often associated with the purple-haired crowd, so that was a plus. And she was pretty cute. I couldn't do this.

{That line's not awful, say it. Just say it. Talk, you dickhead!}

I cleared my throat and spoke. "I've heard that same song twice now, and I've only been in here fifteen minutes."

Purple didn't recoil at my presence, or look around for someone else I might be talking to, or any of the other worst-case scenarios. She looked up in mild surprise, then nodded solemnly. "Too much music distracts the customers, so they play the same two dozen songs over and over. When we sold out of 50 Shades of Grey, we celebrated by hit the shuffle button a couple of times."

"No radio?"

She shook her head. "No radio. Wait until Christmas time. Do you think I could make a noose out of tinsel?"

Um. This wasn't going how I'd imagined at all. "Tinsel's, uh, only rated for elf weight. I think it would break under your, uh, under a human's..." I rubbed the back of my head. "That was dumb."

"Yeah. But I'm the one planning my suicide with a potential customer," she said. "I won't tell the manager if you don't."

{Tell her your name, jackass.}

"I'm Eric," I said, offering her my hand, extremely conscious of the sweat on my palms. "And you're... Amanda?"

"Tess," she said, taking my hand gamely. "Never trust a nametag. I don't even know whose uniform I'm even wearing."

Uh. Was she mocking me? Trying desperately to avoid giving me her real name?

{No, she's joking with you, Eric,} Rosie said in a tone of strained patience. {It's a good sign. Keep talking, keep things light, be confident, and whatever you do, don't mention elves killing themselves.}

"Right," I said. "How do I know you even work here?"

She waved the barcode scanner in her hand. "Although I suppose an imposter could have just grabbed this off the counter. Man, my story's just full of holes."

{That line! Say that one!} I didn't know thoughts could be yelled.

"I don't think you'd be standing in this part of the aisle if you weren't being paid to," I said, pointing at a book with a shirtless, muscular werewolf on the cover. "You don't seem that crazy."

"So I seem a little bit crazy?" Tessa/Amanda raised an eyebrow.

"You, uh, did just try to scan my t-shirt with that thing," I noted.

"Sorry," she said breezily, "force of habit."

Rosie's running commentary was helpful, but also incredibly distracting. {When women fish for a compliment or assurance, don't give a straight answer. Reassurance is boring, but funny is sexy.}

"So," Tessmanda said, turning back to the clothes rack and whatever her job was. "Are you being paid to suffer here, Eric, or do you love reading about mysterious, supernatural hunks with hearts of gold?

"No, uh, not exactly. I've got this friend, she, uh, her birthday's coming up soon." Damn, I should have planned this out better ahead of time. "And she's really into supernatural stuff -- not this kind of thing, but non-fiction. Or, you know, as close as you can get with a book about magic."

"What if I'm a Wiccan? Are you marginalizing my faith?" I couldn't tell if she was being serious or not.

"Uh... if you are a Wiccan, why not proselytize to me? Show me the books on magic, try to convert me?"

The purple-haired girl waited a few moments before nodding, even as Rosie yelled in my head. {Not just business! Hint that you chose her, specifically!}

"Plus," I said, "you looked so lonely standing over here by yourself."

"I have the mysterious, supernatural hunks," Tessmanda said. "They keep me company."

"Would you keep me company while I, uh... I have no idea what I'm looking for."

"No duh," the girl shook her head, finally smiling. "What strain of magic-freak is your friend?"

Tessmanda turned out to be surprisingly easy to talk to. A couple of times I was stuck for words and had to just parrot was Rosie told me to say, and a couple of times I said something really dumb. But Tessa (?) just chuckled or raised an eyebrow, I never once mentioned the weather, and the conversation kept flowing. It was a while - ten minutes? - before I was standing at the till with my wallet out. I didn't blanch too hard at the price; the book looked a lot more helpful than any of the googling I'd done. 'Initiation into Hermetics and the Key to the True Kabbalah' looked batshit insane, but I recognized some of the diagrams inside from my summoning instructions.

"And now your break is over," I said grimly. "Back to the racks with you."

"'Racks' is such a gothic word," Tessa replied. "Appropriate to the book, I guess. Makes me think of guys in red robes burning witches."

By this point, I didn't need Rosie's command to not start talking about the historical reality of the Spanish Inquisition.

"Yours is a dark fate," I said instead. "You're here all day?"

"And for the next two days, ten-hour shifts," she said. "What a weekend."

"Well, at least you don't have be up at 4am for your morning shifts."

"Is this a 'who suffers most for minimum wage?' competition?" she asked.

{Don't sound self-pitying.}

"Oh, no, it's definitely you. You actually do know where every book is in here," I said, hoisting up my bagged purchase. "That's, like, homework."

"Almost," she said, still standing at the till. I didn't have anything else to say. I didn't have any excuse to be hanging around. I had my purchase and thus could go, except...

{Ask her, you dummy!}

"So, uh." Where should I put my hands? "Can I have your number?"

{Bravo.}

Tessa raised an eyebrow. She had a habit of doing that. "I don't know." Shit. "Won't your cauldron-stirring 'friend' mind?"

"Oh, no, she - " I shook my head. "She's just a friend. Definitely."

{I'm hurt. And I'd be a sexy witch, not one of the old haggy ones.}

Tessa looked me up and down sceptically. "Uh-huh. You weren't just cruising around the bookstore looking for girls to hit on, were you Eric?"

What did Rosie keep saying? If it gets awkward, just push forward with a joke. Confidence. "I, uh, was going to cruise around Home Depot, but the girls there are kind of stocky." Damn it, damn it, you fucking idiot. I couldn't believe I just said that.

Tessa blinked, her face expressionless. Then: "Alright," she shrugged. "Gimme your phone."

My hands were sweaty when I handed it over. When I took it back, I was worried it would drop out of my grasp.

"Call me," Tessa said, "or don't. Just don't drunk dial me at 2am, right? I need my beauty sleep."

{Repeat after me - }

"Don't get ahead of yourself," I said, forcing a casual grin. Again Tessa looked surprised. Then she picked up her barcode reader and started walking away from the counter. "See you round, Eric."

"See you round."

I walked out of Myers and turned a corner before clenching my fists and laughing. "Yes! Yes!"

Now I was the one attracting a glance, from an old lady passing by with her stroller. {Yeah, yeah, that's great, kid. Don't get cocky.}

The toy store next to me had an empty aisle where I could mumble to my schizophrenia undisturbed. "Haha! I did it."

{You did. Well, we did.}

"And she actually gave me her number! And she was cute!"

{I thought you'd been in a relationship before.}

"Oh, let me have my tri-our triumph. Seriously, thanks. That was actually pretty cool, how you helped there."

{This is what I do, master.}

"And you're sure you're not jealous?"

Rosie sent a laugh. {No, I'm a creature of pure Lust... well, more or less. Now, I promised you a reward, didn't I?}

My dick stirred in my jeans. "You did."

{I'm a floor below you, in K-mart, the women's section. Come find me.}

More public shenanigans? This really wasn't a good idea. She was going to get me arrested, maybe even put on a watch list. On the other hand, even Rosie's thoughts sounded seductive when she wanted them to. And she always wanted them to.

I took the escalator down and entered K-mart. Nobody in the women's wear section was clustered around taking photos of public nudity. In fact it seemed like business as usual down here, which reassured me. Maybe I could let Rosie go off on her own, just for ten minutes or so.

"Where are you?" I asked a mannequin.

{Change rooms.}

"What? No, Rosie, listen. If we keep doing it in public I'll get arrested and go to prison. You can't have sex with me if I'm in prison."

{That's where you're wrong,} she sent, then quickly: {Kidding. Don't worry so much, master.}

"You're not very reassuring!"

{Really, I won't fuck you here, promise. That's not your reward.}

"What is it?"

{Just come.}

Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. The cat must have been horny.

Needless to say, I wasn't really qualified to be in the change rooms of a store full of women's clothing, especially without any women's clothing in my hands. Too many hours wasted on stealth video games helped me duck and weave my way to the little hallway.

"Which stall?" I whispered, looking behind me for Cashier Guy.

{Last one on your right. Move quietly.}

Right, because tip-toeing down the corridor wouldn't look suspicious at all. I found the door and turned the knob quietly, peeking in. I managed to suppress my gasp then, too, so I should have gotten five stars for stealth all around.

Rosie was in here, alright, along with the handful of bags we'd picked up from around the mall. There was also a woman in a K-mart shopgirl's uniform. She looked Asian, but I couldn't see her face because the two of them were kissing.

Rosie's kissing clearly wasn't just impressive to me, because the woman was completely lost to the world. If Rosie hadn't been there to support her she probably would have collapsed to the ground in a puddle. As it was she sucked on my succubus' lips like they were the only thing keeping her alive, hands roaming over her body in ecstasy.

{See,} Rosie sent without breaking the kiss, {I told you I'd reward you.}

The Asian saleswoman's gentle moaning was audible in the corridor now; with little else to do, I slipped into the stall and locked the door behind me. No-one noticed. My dick tented my pants.

After a few more seconds of passionate kissing, Rosie backed away. She had to hold the woman's cheeks and basically force her off; she mewed in disappointment, sucking at the saliva left on her lips.

"Lucy," Rosie said softly, "do you want to take off your shirt?"

"Oh gaawd," 'Lucy' panted. "This is crazy. This is so wrong." Rosie's hands were under her unflattering top, massaging her chest. "I don't even like girls."

"Ssshh..." Rosie leant in again, and Lucy's actions belied her words. Their tongues entwined again as the woman shucked her uniform blouse. They broke apart so she could get it over her shoulders and let it fall to the floor; it was at that point that Lucy saw me out of the corner of her eye.

She jumped, her eyes widened, and she opened her mouth to squeal. Before a sound emerged, though, Rosie leaned her head forward andbit the woman on the curve of her exposed neck. A pale hand clamped over her lips at the same time, but it wasn't necessary; the squeal turned into a gentle sigh as Rosie bit down, and Lucy's eyes crossed.

I stood there for a good thirty seconds, stunned into inaction. After that Rosie released her neck, and I definitely didn't imagine the inch-long fangs in her mouth when she grinned at me. "I was wondering when she'd notice you."

I gulped. "This - who - "

"Eric, this is Lucy. Lucy, Eric." Rosie picked up Lucy's hand and waved it at me.

At first I'd thought she was in shock, but now the saleswoman looked more like she'd just slammed half a bottle of valium. She looked at me placidly, not making any attempt to struggle against Rosie, and didn't speak when the hand came away from her mouth.

"Lucy," Rosie instructed, "say hi."

"Hi," Lucy said dully.

I pushed my fists into my eyes. "Could... could you please tell me what's going on?"

"Short version? Here's your reward," Rosie said with a little bow.

"...I'm going to need a little more than that."

"Okay, long version, but keep it down; there's an occupied stall down the other end of the corridor." Rosie placed her hands on Lucy's shoulders. "Lucy, sweetie, take off your pants while the grown-ups talk."