All Comments on 'Marriage and Infidelity Ch. 02: Choices'

I married my spouse knowing full well that sex was for the most part off the table. I guess I figured he could at least help me out when needed but even that is shot down due to pain levels. I must admit, his pain tolerance is next to none compared to mine. But, divorce was never an option... never on the table. On a side note, I am 47 and he is 32. He never expected to have so many health issues that he felt inadequate in providing me with the attention I crave. I too have severe pain. But, for me, sex is the natural pain remedy. Needless to say, I handle 99.9% on my own as I would never cheat or sneak around. On the other hand, if he ever told me that it was ok to find just sex with someone else, I might honestly consider. But not unless he volunteered. This is the curse of an overactive sex drive. But never divorce. As much as it kills me to think that every time may be the last, I would never call it quits over a carnal desire. I am big on God (yes, and I am here just for the stories lol) and I believe that marriage should never be entered into without considering every possibility and would that be the deal breaker. Abuse is a deal breaker. But lack of sex was known to be a possibility and I really had to weigh my decision carefully before agreeing to "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Please always consider relationship specialists before throwing in the towel. If they walk away then there is nothing you can do but if you are both willing to make it work, then rekindle that friendship you once had and make the most of what God gave you.

Well written and spoken.

Ty Youami, insightful work.

If I went into the marriage expecting a marriage which included a normal sex life and found it was not going to be one I would go for an annulment within the first months.

They could have been the same kind of friends while he had a satisfying marriage to someone else.

First, I'm sorry to hear of your losses in life - BOTH of them.

We have lost a child, and that is just as devastating as you can imagine it is. You have lost twice as much. What you have endured was a different kind of death - long before your wife was taken from you into what follows this world's life.

What you suffered first was the death of hope, and the death of your dreams for what you had hoped and dreamt of your wedded relationship becoming. You were unequally yoked - at least in that regard - and it doesn't matter the reasons much as to why it became like that. Deception, whether intentional or accidental was none the less a deception. Your dreams were smashed and lost to you because of it. This is the first and often hardest death to deal with, personally. I am glad you sought and received counselling to help you with that.

I lost my father to Alzheimers, and in many ways that experience emotionally mirrors what you went through...once the news of the diagnosis is made, then the realization, both in emotional space terms and from the objective harshness of our actual space-time reactions to the arrival of this eventuality take hold...and have to be dealt with, but not separately, as they occur in a compressed timeframe in parallel to one another. In short, that part really sucks. It compares to your experiences in that you suffered alongside them as they went through the motions of their life pattern, and you were powerless to affect any real changes. That powerlessness too really sucks.

The second death for you was her actual one, and at that, the full horrible irreversibility of the loss of any possibility to obtain the life you sought and hoped for was forever precluded. Emotionally, this was a ripping off of the bandages on your psyche that time and positive reinforcement had helped put there. Once again, the original source of pain was laid bare to yield you fresh tortures of regret and angst.

At least losing my father was eventually more of a feeling of relief for me - for his sake; his ongoing life having lost all real meaning beyond suffering through indignities of the mundane chores of daily existence long before due to his infirmity.

So, what are we to learn from all this? ...that suffering builds character? perhaps, but is it really worth the cost of some of those painful lessons - over such long spans of time? Let's just say that opinions will vary on that last part.

Also, we can learn a few more things. We are not as alone as we think we are. That too is a deception. While none of us are really twins of any other of us (even identical twins wind up having different life experiences and can hold differing values), we are still connected to each other by amazingly similar patterns of experiences - if we care to look deeply enough.

Lastly where there is still life, there is still hope - for each of us. Christians often hold the view that where God may close a door; He also opens a window - we just have to be alert to the opportunities and not allow ourselves to be blinded to the possibilities that abound around us...if we remember to look for them. Sometimes we have to look long and hard, only to eventually discover that we really did have our eyes closed to some of the possibilities after all.

Good luck with realizing what amazing possibilities that life still holds for you.

Folks

Just a quick thank you for those of you who read my contribution. To all of you, bless you for the kind words - they mean a hell of a lot to me.

Absolutely heartbreaking story. I hope it served as a bit of catharsis to have shared it here with us. I thank you for that.

This is my first ever time in leaving a comment. After reading both submissions, it has inspired me to respond. I hope you understand my train of thought, as I try to explain my own situation, without causing any offence.

I agree with 90% of your post, I thought I’d get that out the way!!

My situation is very similar to yours, apart from the illness side of things.

Yes people/ couples change over time and I think that it should as we develop and get older.

Where I think you, hit the nail on the head,is about the demise of intIntimacy in long term relationships and how important it is to a lot of men. I have a long standing quote I preach to my wife. “ feedum and F**kum” is, old fashioned and not very PC, but that’s all there is to keeping your man happy and loyal.

That maybe just me but I really think it’s true!!! Regardless of how much I earn, after meeting at school and being together for 30+ year’s, I still fancy my wife, want to be passionate with her and whatever topics/fantasies we might discuss, should improve the happiness we feel and the excitement.

In reality it’s only me that tries to bring up the topic of our sexual relationship and how important a factor to our relationship it is for me.

I’m now 46 and willingly sacrifice my time to a job I despise to provide the nice/extra/luxury things, that seem so important and must have items to keep up with the Jones’s. To be fair my mum tried to fob me off with tesco 2 stripe trainers, when I was at school and was horrified that she thought no one would notice!!

Sorry that this is a long reply but I will get to my point soon!!!!!

Where I disagree with the post is simply this.....

I understand that a long/marriage can have an effect on the sexual side of the relationship to some extent. I disagree with the excuses that wives/partners use for the lack of intamicy with there man and blame it on being tired or lead us to the land of promises about having it later, but I’m guessing I’m not alone on this, it never happens!!!!

For me at least, the thought of cheating would never enter my head, if my wife put out a bit more, made the first move on ocasion and even gave me the occasional BJ or hand job. I know that, as humans, we will always look if a handsome/beautiful specimen catches our eye and why not????

I, like so many men, have pleaded and begged for sexual contact, only to be told about the pressure we are putting on them or how it’s not the right time and still sorting the kids stuff out for tomorrow.I love you and honestly still have the desire for sex but I can never seem to find the energy or time after being the best I can be with our kids.

I do think, as men, we should be entitled to think this way and know it’s BS!!!!!

In my understanding, if we split up because of the lack of sex we had, I would be ostracized by my close friends and family about being fixated with sex (shaging) and being shallow!!!

So the point to my reply and dissagreement, with some of the points made in the post comes down to this.....

If my wife and I did split up because I thought the lack of sexual contact was the major issue. I would be the one to be in the wrong and should have tried harder to keep us together, especially where family and friends are concerned.

So let’s think about if that did happen and I found the lack of sex the reason for separating.

Now fast forward a few months and things have settled down and we are both moving on.....

She ends up meeting someone new and starts a relationship with another man...

Am I wrong in assuming that she would be up for sex, with her new Man?? Despite the fact that the lack of sex was the reason our relationship ended in the first place??

So there in lies my point in not agreeing to the whole post. I’ve tried lots of things to increase the way my wife finds me attractive/sexy, to the point of actually wanting to have sex!! But if I made the choice to leave, I’m sure her sex drive would increase when she met someone new and do exactly what I had been begging for before we separated.

Thanks for evoking me to replying to your posts!!

I hope it’s ok that it inspired me to actually leave a response, albeit a long one not be disrespectful to the the points made in your post

To all commentators

I truly appreciate all your feedback whether it be positive or negative. Thanks Misha and GrandpaM! Live long and prosper...

If I were allowed to teach a relationship class to young males, I would include your essays. I remember being a young man who thought with my pecker. Yet there was one man who told me something I wish I had heard more often: Don't marry the first girl you screw. I deliberately avoided getting all tightly connected with my one-night stands as a result, but I didn't yet understand that there was a single word missing from the advice that would have made all the difference. That word was "regularly". I was led into a bad marriage one screw at a time until I returned from my honeymoon and got the law laid down for me. There would only be sex once a month, and only if she felt like it. Much of my life afterwards reads like your essay. The only good news I can report is that my experiences were so bad that my sons are not interested in dating or getting caught up in matrimonial slavery.

Your story is so right on the money. I kept on believing that "she" would change with time. There were a "few" moments where I thought change would come, but it never happened. We are just roommates as you described. This has led me to the idea that marriage is not a good thing. I anticipate more insightful stories from you.

How awful to live through your wife dying of cancer; the insights are interesting and also heart-rending too.

Thank you for those insights. I hope it worked out better for you in the end?

what a pathetic weak pussy loser of a man. No wonder she did NOT want to have sex with you

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look stupid your wife was a CHEATER. She INTENTIONALLY destroyed your marriage . Then on the death she says this and YOU like the wimp loser your are ...said NOTHING

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"I wished we had made love more..." My immediate reaction was intense sadness.

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why didnt you said " fuck you bitch !'?? Even that idea of wanting to show her a mirror ( very lame) was better than what YOU did. Now you have to live with the rest of your life knowing that you never spoke up after what was intentionally done to you …to hurt you … to emasculate you … to disrespect you as a person and as a human.

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Even worse is that you are lying. You are lying to us and to yourself. You Taking on this mantle of trying to be oh so Noble-- look at me I wouldn't say anything when my so called room wife was dying… look at me…. look at my stoicism… look at my strength of character.

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it's all bullshit .-- you have no character and you have no integrity.

Hi Harry in Virginia! Thank you for giving me the feedback you did. I am sure that many of the personal criticisms t

you specifically levelled at my flawed personality may well find traction. However, I do need to point out at least one major inaccuracy you made concerning my late wife. Nowhere have I ever stated nor implied that she was ever a cheater. How you arrived at such a outrageous conclusion has me baffled. It almost seems to created assumptions based upon mental fabrications of your own making. Secondly, call me a pussy if you will, but when someone you have had two kids with and a total of 25 years married gets cancer and is the terminal end stage of the disease, I simply was not willing to give her a kick in guts...even if I felt I was justified to do so. This was a snapshot of real life. It was never intended to provide the incels out there with some juicy stroke material, or some violent punishment to satisfy the BTB brigade. If my written thoughts caused you issues, my bad.

Oh yeah, while I remember, tell me Harry, exactly how many submissions have you made to Literotica? I will remind you the your own profile says none. You haven't submitted one fucking word, dude. You my pedigree chum have no cred as you've got absolutely no skin in the game.