All Comments on 'Mommy's New Bed'

Is that you Mother Fucker Jones?

Hot erotica, very well written.

Rye and Ginger Ayle

I enjoyed the story, but you really need to get an editor.

One problem that happened MANY times was Misplaced (or missing) quotation marks.

Here's one example:

"I'm drunk she said," giggling.

Only words which are spoken BY THE CHARACTER should be inside the quotation marks! So, unless the mother actually spoke the words "she said", THEY SHOULD NOT BE INSIDE THE QUOTATION MARKS!

if she did NOT speak the words "she said", then you should have written it like this:

"I'm drunk." she said, giggling.

This way, your reader knows that the mother did NOT speak the words "she said", and knows that they are just part of the narration.

You might think that a reader could figure that out. This is true, but by forcing them to think about that, you have taken their focus out of the world of your story and into the world of "what did the author really mean here?" If this happens too often, the reader will tire of it, stop reading your story and find another story which does not require so much work on their part.

Another thing that I found distracting was the constant and frequent references to the fact that the mother is black. Once you have established that she is black, I don't think that it is really necessary for you to keep referring to various parts of her body as "black", "dark", "chocolate", or other such descriptions. Your reader will already know that the mother is black, and so will assume that every part of her body will be as well. Just a thought.

-Rei

1 star

This is very nice. Thank you.

At the point where you pulled mum's knickers down, that's when I shot my load..

What a fun mom. Looks like they're going to save money on the new bed for him!

I used to see my mom's enormous saggy tits and hairy pussy when I was young. Her tits used to hang to her waist and I loved them.

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