All Comments on 'Monday Mayhem Day 03'

this story is weird

Shannon is hypocritical. She has no issues jerking off in her brother's body, but makes sure Sean doesn't even glimpse her own. Also, her constantly dressing Sean in her body should make her new body show some sign of arousal. Whether anything happens between the two is, of course, your prerogative, but a heterosexual man's body will respond to a naked woman's body.

This is a great story, hot as hell.

You have done the gay stuff now so could we mabe get back to this pair?

i have never ever commented on any story on this sight but the dynamics are fascinating please keep up the good work

The series is very engaging and it is written very well. Keep up the good work!

You have a well written and engaging story here. The characters have stayed true to form throughout the narrative, and you've done quite a bit to keep it "plausible" and "real." I especially like that their desires are ruled not only by their mind's eye, but by their host bodies as well. The only real problems I have with your story are how it all begins, and some minor point of view issues.

I know you touch on the fact that it's a fantasy, and that you, 'want to get to the good part' so to speak, but consider the following. One of the things that make a fantasy more enjoyable are elements of realism spread throughout. An old Chinese witch sprinkling some herbs into their food works well enough I suppose, but I'd appreciate it if you had spent more time fleshing out who she is, and why she's doing it. I would also appreciate it if you made it clear as to how the witch identified them as siblings/twins, and how her magic actually works.

As for the point of view issues, that's a bit trickier because you're writing from a third-person omniscient point of view, which gives you a lot of freedom. As someone who struggles with this in my own writing, the best advice I can give you is to at least keep it to one point of view per paragraph.

The last point I want to make is that there is an ever-growing market for niche erotica. Very few stories on this site are, in my opinion, worth selling, but this one is shaping up to be a winner. Thanks again for sharing, and I hope to see more of you in the future.