More than I Deserve

It was all too much for me. I felt like I was in a small dark room and then the walls just closed in on me.

"Mona, are ya okay?" asked Sam. I looked around me. I was in a very soft bed. It was probably one of the guest rooms in their castle. The weird thing was that in this fairy tale it seemed as if the princess, Sam, was taking care of the Wicked Bitch, me.

For a big assed chunk of my life, a big part of my essence was the knowledge that I had been dumped by the man I loved. I blamed a lot of my problems on the fact that Bobby, I couldn't call the guy Robby to save my ass.

Anyway, a lot of my identity was my deep seated knowledge that he had wronged me. He had wronged me and left me pregnant. And now none of it was true. The only person who had screwed up my life was me. And worse than that, I realized that I owed HIM the apology. And as far as ruining my life went, I had done that on my own. Robby on the other hand had gone on with his life. He'd done everything we had planned to do and more, but he did them with someone else.

I looked into Sam's eyes and saw not hatred, only compassion. But then she could afford to be compassionate. She had it all. Shit I'd had it all. I just pissed it ... Okay fucked it away.

"Sam, I ..." I began. "I was lonely and I just missed him ..."

"Mona, you have nothing to explain to me," she said. "Hell, I'm so glad that you did it that I can't thank you enough."

I looked at her expecting to see a sign of sarcasm, but there wasn't a trace of it.

"Look out the window," she said. I pulled the curtain back and looked out at their huge yard. I saw four kids jumping in and out of the pool. Joey was clearly showing off for the girls. I would never have expected to see that.

"Mona, if you hadn't done what you did, my three little angels would never have been born. I'm in your debt. Mona despite everything that's happened, you and I will always be friends for that reason alone," she said.

"I have to apologize to him," I said. "I'm so ashamed."

"Don't bother," she said. "It'll just make him angry all over again."

"I don't care about his math," I said. "Joey is definitely his kid. You and the girls even pointed out how similar they are ... Hey, where's my asshole?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say it's between your butt cheeks," she laughed. Then she looked at me seriously. "He left when I showed him this." She handed me a sheet of paper.

"Last week when I took Joey to the bathroom, I cut a lock of his hair. He thought it was a game. I swabbed the inside of Robby's cheek and had a DNA lab run the test. Rob's math is right as usual. He isn't Joey's father. Sam is."

"How do you know Sam is?" I asked her. "Once I found out that Rob wasn't I showed up at your house. That was the real reason I cut off some of the asshole's hair. I honestly didn't care if he showed up or not. I just needed a reason to get close to him. If I hadn't gotten the hair, I'd have just stabbed him again and got his blood."

She left me for a few minutes. While I continued to watch the yard out of the window I saw her. She went into the yard and hugged each one of her girls. She hugged Joey too. Then she took a picture of him with her phone. She took pictures of the girls too. She even took one of Bobby.

I was amazed at how easily she drifted in and out of the group. She was back in the room with me a few minutes later. She pulled me into another room and downloaded the pictures she'd just taken into a computer.

She blew the pictures of Joey and Bobby up until they filled the screen. Then she placed them side by side.

Then I could tell she had an idea. She took a picture her youngest daughter Bobbie and put it up next to her dad's picture.

"Even though Bobbie is only two and female, look at the shape of her eyes and look at Robby's," she said. "Now compare their noses. See they're the same. Look at the shape of their lips. Get the picture?" And she was right, all of their daughters had a lot of Bobby's features but they had hers too.

When she brought up the picture of Joey, she did the same thing. She went feature by feature and showed me the differences. It was weird if you looked at them from a distance they appeared similar, but the close ups told the story.

"But why do they look so much alike?" I asked in tears.

"You," she told me. "When we first started talking to each other about our lives, I noticed that you talked incessantly about your ex. Of course that was before I knew that your ex was my husband. But I noticed that you really hadn't gotten over him.

So you did this to Joey. Instead of sports stuff of video games, you filled his room with books. He had no choice so of course he developed a love for books. You sprinkled in a few model cars. And naturally they were Mustangs because, Robby loves Mustangs. And that gave them something else in common.

The real kicker is that you have his hair cut so he wears it just like Robby's, which gives them a similar look. And to most people's eyes the size difference between them kind of mutes the differences so they're less noticeable. And deep down inside you want him to look like Robby. You figure your guilt over what you did to him is much worse when you throw in the fact that while you were cheating on your husband, you actually let another guy get you pregnant.

Honey, the real problem here, isn't the relationships between us. We're all adults. We all know what happened and how it affected us personally. Between us, I think Robby is the one that really got hurt the most. But even he'll tell you that as bad as it hurt him at the time, he came out of it a lot better off. The real problem I see is that you're been trying so hard to turn Joey into a little Robby clone that you kind of missed what a great kid he really is.

He loves books, just like Robby does, but he's terrible at the mechanical stuff. And he doesn't have any interest it. On the other hand he is a genuine animal expert, Mona. He could be an awesome biologist or zoologist. Maybe he'll switch to people and become a doctor. Give him some time and some space to figure out what HE, likes Mona. He deserves it and you'll both be happier."

"There are too many things preventing me from being happy already," I told her. "I don't want to add to the list." When I thought about it, I began to understand that I had always known that Joey wasn't Bobby's child. I think even Sam the asshole knew it. But I wanted Joey to be Bobby's so badly that I just conveniently let my mind blur the details until the fiction became fact. And Sam never wanted any type of responsibility. He wanted everyone to know that he was not the father and therefore not liable for any type of obligation to us.

That was why Joey was always MY kid, or sometimes THE kid. As soon as Sam had shown him definite proof that as Maury would say, "He WAS the father," he had disappeared like a bad dream.

Later on, I tried to apologize to Robby. Looking back on it now, I did a pretty shitty job of it.

"Robby, I'm sorry about what happened between us," I said. "But you have to realize that I was alone and lonely. I didn't want us to be separated for such long periods of time. I think you have to admit that it was at least partially YOUR fault too and ..."

"Get your stupid ass the fuck away from me," he hissed.

"Bobby, I was trying to apologize," I whined.

"No," he hissed. "You were making excuses and you were trying to blameshare. But that was not a real apology."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"First off an apology is two things," 'he said. "It's an admission of wrong doing and a sincere request for forgiveness. Often there's an offer of restitution. In your case you said you're sorry for what happened between US. That's utter bullshit. It's not an admission that YOU fucked us up. It's more like we were both equally wrong. YOU cheated Mona, I didn't. I was just stupid enough to fall in love with and marry a cheater.

Then you hit me up with the Earth shattering news that you were lonely. Fuck you Mona. I was lonely too. I could have jumped on a truck and went off to the whorehouses in Anchorage with some of the other guys. But I never did. I missed you too, Mona. I understand loneliness too. You were all I thought about. But I kept it in my pants.

Maybe it's easy to cheat when you're safe and sound at home in an apartment that I was paying for. Mona it is just as easy to cheat when you're far away from home working a lot of double shifts and guys are yelling, "Let's go get some pussy," every fucking weekend.

I was a long way from home in a place I'd never been, working my ass off for both of us. Every free minute I had was spent studying so I'd get better grades and eventually make more money for us. Now tell me if I was lonely too.

Maybe you're right Mona. Maybe we were both lonely. Maybe the only thing wrong is the way we dealt with our loneliness. I thought about you all the time Mona. Did you think about me?

While I was freezing my ass off in subzero temperatures, I thought about you. Did you think about me while you were sucking that asshole's dick in our bed? Fuck you, Mona. There's no reason for us to ever speak again. It's all out there now. I have no feelings left for you. I've moved on and moved up."

Through my tears I begged him to wait.

"Bobby, I know how much you love Sam," I said. "I know we'll never have that again. But I'd like us to try to be friends, okay."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" he asked. "Friends are people you trust or people you can count on. At the very least a friend is someone you can talk to. Why the hell would I want to be friends with you?" He walked away shaking his head.

* * * * * *

Epilogue

Mona

That should have been the end of my story, but it wasn't. I got home that night to find that Sam had moved out. He'd taken all of his stuff that he could carry and left only a note.

I read it once and threw it away. The content of the letter was worth far less than the paper it was written on.

"Mona, I'm not ready to become a father. I heard what you said about getting your ex to pay child support. I'm also not ready to have to get a job to support a child I neither asked for nor wanted. You deserve better than me. Perhaps with me gone you'll find it. Thus I give you the gift of my absence. Use it wisely. Never truly yours, Sam."

I fell apart. Not because I missed him or anything like that. And he'd said it himself. He wasn't ready to be a father. I didn't think he ever would be. For my son's sake I was glad he was gone. The problem was that I had no one to watch Joey after school.

With nowhere left to turn, I called Sam and asked her if she could watch Joey after school for me until I found somewhere or someone that I could afford. I hated having to ask her. Our friendship was already hanging by a thread. We still got along like sisters. The problem was that Bobby hated me. And her love for Bobby was at least equal to his hatred for me. Going against his wishes was hard on her. So our friendship ran her through the mill.

But I asked her. And she said no.

"But Sam," I said. "I'm begging you."

"And you're doing it for nothing," she said.

"Robby doesn't hate Joey," I said. "He only hates me."

"Quit whining," she smiled. "I told ya I'd treat him like he was mah own. You know I'll watch him. But I'll do it until he doesn't need ta be watched no more."

And that was how it worked. Sam picked up Joey every day after school until he was well into his teens. I stopped by her place and picked him up when I got off from work. I even dropped him off on the weekends. He often stayed over and went on trips with them as well. They really did treat him like he was a part of the family.

I was a part of the family too for everyone except Bobby. He simply ignored me. He also couldn't stand to be in the same room with me. Sam told me to be patient. But we both knew how stubborn he could be.

"He only hates ya so much because he loved ya so much," Sam always told me. "I think deep down in that big old heart there's still something left for ya."

Over that first summer Sam and Bobby were a great deal of help to me. In turn, I helped them through Sam's fourth and final pregnancy. She had yet another beautiful little girl and if Bobby was disappointed it never showed. Besides, it seemed as if Bobby had already gotten the son he wanted in Joey.

He took him everywhere. He got him involved in everything. Joey played little league football one year and baseball the next. Bobby didn't encourage him towards any one sport over any others. He wanted Joey to pick things that he thought were fun.

"Joey, you don't pick a sport," he told him. "The sport picks you."

Bobby also helped Joey improve his math skills. Once he got to high school his love for animals had gone away. I think it was the bike that did it. One Christmas Bobby and Sam gave all of the kids bikes. Whenever something happened to one of the bikes and Bobby had to fix it, Joey was fascinated by watching him and then began to try to fix them himself.

Bikes led to cars and the next thing I knew my son was studying engineering.

Over the years, watching Bobby and Sam together had me really jealous. At some point I started dating again. I really believe that Sam had begun inviting single guys to barbecues at the house for just that reason.

I think I dated for a couple of years before I threw in the towel. There was nothing wrong with the guys, it was me. I could never close the deal. Being around Bobby and Sam had shown me what I was supposed to have. There was also the fact that in a great demonstration of irony. I was unable to have sex with any of them. I tried, but in the back of my mind I'd begun to associate sex with ruining my life.

I think I was forty five the year that Joey married Bobbie. I guess I had always thought that he would have married Angie or Kimmie because they were closer in age.

Bobby had started his own engineering consultation company and all three of the older kids were working for him. Angela in Management, Kimmie in marketing and Joey as an engineer.

Bobbie had always followed Joey around like she was HIS little sister, while he was trying to impress Angie and Kimmie. Angie was engaged to a doctor and Kimmie had been dedicating her life this far, to school and work.

In the meantime tomboy Bobbie had grown up to be just as beautiful as her sisters and like her mother before her, she knew what she wanted and went after it. My son never had a chance.

We're a bit past fifty now and Bobby and Sam are just as much in love as ever. The three of us do lots of things together. Everything, in fact, except for sex. The two of them are still going at it though.

I'm happy for them. We're all grandparents together. Joey and Bobbie seem to be following in Sam and Bobby's footprints, only they're having all boys. There are already three little boys who love their grandmas.

People who don't know us think that I'm some sort of third wheel or fifth wheel as it were. But I'm just happy to be here with the people I love. Last night a really ratty looking old man with a horrible cough showed up at the door.

I almost didn't recognize him until he told me who he was. "I'm ready," he said. "I'm to be a father to my son." I laughed so hard I almost peed on myself, which really isn't too difficult for a woman of my age.

Sam recognized the asshole immediately. And he freaked out when she told him that she still had her knife.

She invited him for dinner and he accepted. Bobby pretty much ignored him except for telling him two pieces of information that he needed to know.

The first was that he was only staying as long as dinner. The second, which made me nearly burst with pride, was that if he hurt me, he'd get his ass busted.

After dinner, we sat on the deck behind the house, while Sam and Bobby as usual found time to be together.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out what I wanted out of life, Mona," he said.

"It takes some people longer," I said cheerfully. "Look at me."

"Well, I know now," he said.

"I'm happy for you," I said.

"Mona, what I want is you," he said. "I want to be a couple like we always should have been. And I want to be a father to my son, finally."

I laughed. "Sam, Joey already had a father," I said. "He had him when he needed him. You know, while he was growing up."

"Yeah Okay," he said. "Bobby's a good guy. But I'm talking about his real father."

"I always get confused about that stuff," I said. "Who's the real father? Is it the guy who was always there for him? The guy who took him to baseball and football games? Is it the guy who taught him how to throw a spiral? Is it the guy who taught him to respect women, or the guy who fucked his mother and then ran out on them? Is it the guy who worried about him when he was sick, encouraged him when he had doubts and punished him when he needed it, or the guy who never seemed to know his fucking name?

Sam, Joey is all grown up now. He's a senior partner in Bobby's engineering company. He has a wife and three kids of his own. You're too late for him."

"What about us, Mona," he asked. "It's time for me to settle down. I'm ready. It took me a while, but like I told you in the old days ...I always come home to you."

I laughed.

"Come on Mona," he pleaded. "Aren't you tired of being the odd woman out? You deserve better than that."

"You're homeless aren't you?" I asked him. "You're old and all of your bullshit has run dry and you need a place to stay. So you came back to good old Mona. What are you going to do? What's the plan? Are you going to bullshit your way into my panties and try to move into the house with us?"

"There's plenty of room in this place Mona," he said. "And they'll let me if you ask them. They love you. Both of them do."

"You once told me in a letter I believe," I said. "That I deserved better than you. You fucked up my chance for a great marriage because I let you. You fucked up my life because I let you. You ran out on both me and your son, because I let you. I think it's time for me to start listening to you."

"So you'll ask them?" he said.

"No, I meant I should listen to you when you said that I deserved better than you," I told him.

"But ..." he began.

"Right now I finally have what I deserve," I said. "I have a family that loves me. I have kids and grandkids and a lot of people who care about me. I have what I deserve."

"What about love?" he asked.

"You don't know what love is," I said. "You're talking about sex because that's all you know. Love is Robby letting me call him Bobby for all of these years even though he claims he hates it and me. Love is Sam and Bobby letting me sit between them when we watch movies so that even if I'm not fully a part of their love it surrounds me and touches me. Love is Sam reminding you that she still carries her knife and she really does. Maybe I don't have sex, but sex with you cost me too much. So I'll settle for love."

Even as his mouth dropped open to begin another argument, a clap of thunder so loud that it shook the house split the clouds.

Bobby appeared from nowhere with Sam right behind him carrying a tray with three glasses on it. She put it down on the coffee table, smiling at Sam. Then went back in the kitchen and returned with a huge bowl of popcorn with melted cheese and bacon chunks.

"It's movie night," she smiled. "Robby's in the middle."

Robby went to the closet and got the ratty jacket that Sam had been wearing when he showed up.

"Good seeing you again, Sam," he said.

"You ... You can't send me out there now," smiled Sam. "It's cold as hell and raining cats and dogs.

The sound of a sharp click came from Sam and Sam the asshole snatched the jacket from Bobby and started on his way out of the house.