More than This

"How ironic. That's the song that was playing the night you proposed to me. Do you remember?"

"Kendall, I don't want to talk about this. It's over, okay? There's just nothing more to say."

The song continued to play even as he got up to leave. She sat there listening, numb to the world.

"As free as the wind

And hopefully learning

Why the sea on the tide

Has no way of turning

More than this - there is nothing

More than this - tell me one thing

More than this..."

Fighting back tears, she turned to him and said, "Why are you letting that one part of my past define me, Richard? I'm more than this one thing. The whole really is greater than the sum of its parts. You told me you loved me. You asked me to marry you. So what's changed? How does knowing this one thing change all that? How can you just stop loving me?"

"Goodbye, Kendall," he told her as threw some money on the table.

Jake stood there staring at her. He picked up his phone and said, "I'll never let you be happy. Not after what you did to me. No matter where you go, I'll find you. And I'll be there with the evidence to show whatever new guy you find who you really are."

Kendall had never felt such an intense combination of emotions in her life. Anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment, and even rage. And yet she had never felt more helpless.

____________________

"Welcome! I'm Carter Marin, proprietor and chief instructor. Okay, I'm the only instructor but I'm very happy to meet you." He smiled at the couple and welcomed them as he had each new pair who'd signed up for his ballroom dance class. He taught most other forms of dance, but ballroom was his personal favorite. It was so graceful, so beautiful, so up-close and personal.

Every time he started a new class it created a groundswell of emotion inside of him. Invariably, it started with landing his first job with The New York Times and took him through his marriage to Jill and ended with his shameful dismissal which led to the drinking and ultimately the divorce. There seemed to be no escape from his past, but dancing gave him a temporary respite from it and for a while at least, it made him think falling in love again might be possible. Well, up and until he realized he'd have to tell her why he'd been let go, and that would be that. After all, if he couldn't forgive himself after all these years, how could he expect someone else to look passed it, let alone fall in love with him?

He'd just turned 50 and had long since given up trying. His last date had been nearly five years ago and it had been preceded by many other dates with the last woman he'd ever let himself get close to. He'd thought seriously about proposing to her, but he knew he had to tell her first. And no matter what he told himself, he knew that once he told her, that would be it. Nevertheless, he worked up the nerve to finally share his past with her after a very romantic dinner and moments later, she was gone. Just like all of them.

So dancing and his studio had become his life and although that life no longer held the prospect of romantic love, it was a decent life and, on balance, reasonably satisfying. His only remaining fear was that his past would somehow catch up with him—even here in remote Bellingham, Washington—as far away from his former life as he could get without moving to Alaska or leaving the country—and bring everything else crashing down the way his job and his marriage had. In the darkest corner of his mind, he knew there was an ultimate escape plan; one he dreaded implementing. Yet the thought of living with the shame that came with the revelation often seemed worse than the eventuality of the plan. No, he would sooner die than live in that hell ever again.

"Okay folks, if I can have your attention please? We're going to go ahead and get started. I've already introduced myself and now I'd like you to turn to the couple on your right—you on the far end excluded, of course—and introduce yourselves to the couple next to you. Then turn the other way and do the same."

"I'm Richard Norman," he heard the tall, good-looking man say to the older couple on his right, "and this is my girlfriend, Kendall Anderson." They all shook hands and said hello to one another before Carter began teaching them their first dance, the Foxtrot.

An hour later he thanked them for their time and told them he looked forward to seeing them the following week. He shook a few hands and made small talk with one of the couples who were celebrating their 25th anniversary with ballroom dancing lessons. His face never showed it, but he felt a sharp pang inside when they shared that with him. His own 25th anniversary would have been three months ago. Would have been...

Over the next three sessions, he watched his favorite new couple, Richard and Kendall, grow closer together and at the end of the fourth, he shocked everyone by choosing this venue to propose to her. She cried with joy as she happily told him, "Yes!" and even Carter's jaded heart was touched.

The older he got, the harder it became to guess a person's age and he decided that was probably a good thing. Fewer people smoked and many were very health conscious. His ballpark age for Richard was late 30s to early-40s and maybe mid-20s for Kendall. So possibly a 10-15 year difference in age; not really all that unusual. She was as attractive a woman as he'd ever seen in his dance studio. Outside of New York City where'd he'd lived for some ten years, he couldn't remember ever seeing many better looking women in his life. Richard was also a good-looking guy, but he was most definitely not in Kendall's league. Carter didn't want to be overly cynical, but he had to assume Richard had a great job and a lot of money or some other physical attraction. There just wasn't any logical explanation for that large a delta in their looks. But hey, if they were happy, who was he to judge?

As surprising as the proposal had been, their sudden absence the next week was even more so. Everyone asked about them and no one had any idea where they might be. The speculation ranged from having eloped to a family crisis to some kind of personal tragedy. Without exception, all of them were confident they would be back for the final class the following week. And yet they didn't show up and not a soul had seen or heard from them.

Carter thought of them occasionally over the next several months as summer turned to fall and fall to winter with its cold, raw days and the endless rain. He needed to pick up a few things from the store on his way home and dashed into the local market trying his best not to get drenched. He shook off his jacket in the foyer which was as wet as it always was this time a year and headed inside. He grabbed a small green basket and went straight to the dairy section for a half-gallon of milk. He needed a loaf of bread, too, so grabbed a couple of other items as he headed toward the bakery area when he saw the long, blonde hair.

"Kendall?" he said not sure if that was her until she turned toward him.

"Oh...hi, Mr. Marin," she said without smiling.

"Mr. Marin? I thought we were on a first-name basis. Why the formality?"

"I'm sorry...Carter. I just don't feel much like talking these days."

"Oh. Um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. I was just so relieved to see you. We were all very concerned when you and your fiancee didn't come back." He saw her quickly jam her hands into her coat pockets but he noticed the big diamond ring was missing.

"No, we didn't come back." She still hadn't looked at him beyond that initial glance. "That's because there's no 'we' anymore."

He saw her eyes filling with tears and instinctively set down his basket and moved closer to try and comfort her. "Don't touch me!" she said putting her hands up.

"Okay," he said backing up and raising his own. "I didn't mean to bother you, Kendall. I'll be going."

He picked up his basket but before he could take the first step she said, "He just could't see passed it."

"What?" Carter said. "Who couldn't see passed what?"

Kendall shook her head and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. You're a very nice man and you didn't deserve that."

She finally looked at him and Carter could almost feel the sadness in her eyes. "Look, I'm no Richard, but I do listen pretty well. If you'd like to have a cup of coffee or just talk..."

"Thank God you're no Richard," she said cynically. She turned away again and said quietly, "Then again, what man wouldn't do what Richard did? Who could just look beyond something like that, you know?"

Carter set his basket down again and said to her, "I don't know what exactly you're referring to, but I do know a little about past events and how people judge us for them. So if that's what you're talking about, you might find it helpful to just sit down with a friend and chat a little. No pressure, of course. I'm just offering."

She looked back at him and said, "That really is very sweet of you, Carter. But what's the point? If I talked to you, you'd want specifics. If I shared them, you'd hate me, too. So thank you, but I think I'll pass on your offer."

"Kendall? My past has haunted me for years. I'm not sure I could even share it with you. Just know that I'm not only a good listener, I'm empathetic."

"I don't need your sympathy, Carter. I just need someone who can see I'm more than just one part of my past."

"I'm not offering you sympathy, Kendall. Empathy is deeper. It's the ability to feel what the other person is feeling, not feel sorry for them. That's sympathy, not empathy."

There's was no rudeness in her voice. There was just a kind of hollow-sounding loneliness. "What could you possibly know about how badly I've ruined my life? Whatever you've done can't even be in the same league with what I did. And it follows me everywhere I go. It destroys every relationship I have. So I'm sure you think whatever it is you did is terrible, too, but it's just not possible that it's on par with what I did."

"It'll only cost you a cup of coffee and a few minutes of your time," he told her smiling at her. "And the coffee's on me."

"I don't know," she said. "If I thought you could understand, maybe I'd accept your offer. But even if you could somehow possibly understand what I did, it wouldn't bring Richard back. It wouldn't change the past and the next guy I meet will reject me for it just like every other guy has done since I..."

"I believe I'm at an age where I'm no longer a threat in terms of hitting on you, so no worries there. And while I can't mend a broken relationship or start a new for you with some other guy, I can listen and I can be supportive."

She signed deeply and said, "Okay. I guess that beats going home to an empty apartment again watching Golden Girls reruns."

She saw him wince and said, "Oh, no! I didn't mean it like that! You're being really sweet. I just meant..."

Carter smiled and said, "I understand. No offense taken. After all, The Golden Girls is pretty stiff competition."

Kendall almost managed to smile. Almost.

"I'm so tired of the rain," she said as they drove along the main street.

"You're not from here I take it?" he asked her.

"Oh, no. I moved to Seattle from Los Angeles five years ago. Richard was teacher at the community college here in Bellingham and I met him when the was in Seattle. We really hit it off and I agreed to move in with him. Now that it's over, I think I'm going back to Seattle in the near future. There's a lot more anonymity in a large city. How about you?"

"No, I'm not from here, either. I moved out to the Pacific Northwest from New York over twenty years ago after things fell apart."

"Is Bellingham the home of the broken hearted or something?" she asked almost rhetorically.

"Not to be melodramatic, but in in my case, it'd be for the broken. That's not say heartbreak wasn't involved because it was, but it was much more than that."

"Join the club," Kendall said wryly. "I can drink to both of those."

"This is just coffee, but we could go for something stronger if you really need a drink."

Kendall actually managed a small laugh and said, "I'd really like a drink, but I can't say I need one. Coffee will be fine, I'm sure."

"Well, in that case, here we are," he said as he pulled into a strip mall with a Starbucks in it.

"Would you mind if we stayed in the car and talked?" she said.

He looked over at her and said, "Oh, I get it. Can't have the beautiful young woman seen with the old guy in public. Might damage her reputation." He smiled as he said it, but Kendall wasn't.

In fact, there were tears welling up in her eyes again. He got in line for the drive-through window and said, "I don't know what I just said that upset you, but I didn't mean to do that."

"I know," she said as she tried to blink away her tears. "It's just that the reputation comment hits very close to home."

"I'm very sorry, Kendall. I honestly didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's okay. How could you know?"

He pulled up the window and partially rolled down his window. "Welcome to Starbucks. May I take your order, please?"

He looked over at her and she said, "Vanilla latte?"

Carter ordered her latte and black coffee for himself. They pulled to the next window where he paid the young college student-barista then found a place to park. He left the motor running to keep the inside from fogging up.

"It's funny," she said as she took a first sip. "I hate the rain but I love the sound of it. Like now. On the roof of your car."

"It is pleasant, isn't it?" he agreed.

Both of them sat there in silence until Carter finally said, "I really am a good listener, Kendall, and you can trust me when I say I never repeat anything I'm told in confidence. You have my word on that."

"Yeah, trust is really hard for me these days, you know? I've been hurt so many times by guys who tell me they really like me or even love me and then without exception, they leave. Well, unless sex is the only thing they want and that's not something they get unless I trust them. So...it's kind of a vicious circle for a girl like me who wants to settle down and also has deep-seated trust issues."

He didn't reply. He just took another sip and listened. "I'm pretty good at talking in circles, aren't I?" she said when she realized what she'd told him.

"You're doing just fine. I don't judge and I don't criticize," he told her.

"Not yet, anyway," she said taking another drink.

"I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised at just how understanding and forgiving I am. Well, if you ever find a way to trust me enough to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you so much."

"I don't even know where to start," she told him. "It's the same thing I face every time I meet a guy I like. If I tell him, he's gone. If I don't, I live in fear he'll find out and then leave. And the way he's most likely to find out is what keeps me from even wanting to try anymore. It's a real Catch-22."

"Because I'm at the age where I'm no longer dating beautiful women...or rather beautiful young women wouldn't be interested in dating me, you don't have to worry about me leaving, do you?"

She almost laughed. "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a nice-looking man, Carter. Besides, there are a lot of things that matter more to a girl who's ready to start a family. Age and looks are way down the list."

"Right, until you get to my age and then they move way back up the list." He smiled when he said it and made her smile, too.

"How old are you...if you don't mind me asking, that is?"

"I don't mind if you ask," he said dead panning her.

It took her a moment to catch on and when she did, she actually giggled. "Oh, okay. You don't mind if I ask. I get it. Okay, so how old are you, Carter?" she said putting a finer point on it.

"I just turned 50," he told her.

"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that." She turned to look at him and said, "So how old do you think I am?"

"When I first saw you I guess I was thinking mid-20s, but I don't like guessing where women are concerned because any answer is fraught with potential danger."

That also made her laugh and she said, "I think I'm starting to like you. I'm 31. Almost 32. So mid-20s is very flattering, but very wrong. It's funny how we change with time. Richard was almost 45 and I didn't care because I thought he really loved me and how pathetic is it that all I want now is to be loved? It doesn't seem that much to ask, you know?"

"It isn't, Kendall. Everyone wants to be loved. Even the so-called 'rocks' or 'islands' who say they don't need anyone need someone. Honestly? I've pretty much given up chasing the dream myself, but you're still young and if I may say, very attractive. You also seem like a really nice person so whatever this dark secret from your past is, it's hard to imagine you can't find someone who'll love you for who you are, past, present, and future."

"If only," she said staring out her window and listening to the rain.

He swirled the last bit of coffee in his cup and said, "I don't know about you, but mine's almost gone and we haven't gotten around to discussing what we came here to talk about."

Kendall sighed and told him, "I really do have trust issues, Carter. I can't believe I even agreed to do this with you. You might not believe me, but just sitting here thinking about opening up to you is real progress."

"So if I offer to take you to dinner, do you think we might be able to get to first base?" She flipped her head around so quickly it almost startled Carter. He threw his hands up and said, "Whoa! I did not mean it like that."

"I know. You're too nice to say anything like that even jokingly." She smiled and said, "You should've seen your face, though. You actually thought I was upset." She looked back out the window and said, "I asked to stay in the car because I don't feel safe in public places anymore. Not since Richard found out from someone who seems to have made it his life's mission to make sure I never find anyone. So I'm not turning down dinner with you, Carter. I'm turning down going to a restaurant." She looked back over at him and said, "Maybe if I made dinner for us, I could get up the courage to talk to you. I still can't say I trust you, but right now, you're the closest thing I have to a friend."

"Wow, you poor girl," he said trying to smile but at the same feeling very sad if that was even close to the truth. "Then again, I'm not exactly throwing dinner parties at my place so I'm not one to talk." He exhaled loudly and said, "Hmmm. You know, you might just be the closest thing I have to a friend."

"You poor man," she said repeating his phrase without so much as a smile.

____________________


"I hope you like stir fry. I'm not much of a cook, but learning to cook is one of many things I'd like to learn to do."

"Like dancing?" he said as he told her how well she'd done in his class.

"Exactly," she said. "I just have so many interests in life." She added some seasoning to the mix and said, "Finding someone to share them with is the hard part."

"At the risk of sounding like the proverbial broken record, I really don't understand how that can be possible."

"Well, that's because you're a man, Carter. You see the outside and think someone who looks like me would have guys crawling all over her." She shook her head and said, "I can't believe I just said that." She did a 'willy' kind of shiver thing indicating the thought disgusted her.

"I assume you'll tell me when you're ready to tell me, but is it possible you don't really like men?" There was no hint of accusation in his voice, it was just a question.

"Oh, I most definitely like men. The problem is I might like them a little too much and that's a big part of what got me in this mess."