More than This

"Is it maybe you don't really enjoy sex?"

"What?" she said unable to even process that.

"I understand there are women who just don't want or need sex. I don't know how many there are or what percentage of women they make up, but I've heard they're out there."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I heard that too, once. That's really hard to imagine. In my case that doesn't apply. Trust me on that," she said trying to smile. "Okay, it's ready. Hope you brought your appetite."

Neither of them said much during dinner. Mostly they made small talk about various kinds of dancing and Kendall told him how much she enjoyed his class.

"If you'll come to the next final for ballroom, I'll be your partner for one night and you can get your certificate. I mean, if that matters to you."

"Really? That would be nice. And fun. Thank you. I may take you up on that, if I haven't left town yet."

After dinner, Kendall poured them each a second glass of wine and asked Carter if he'd care to join her in the living room.

They sat down and Kendall said, "I've decided I'm going to try and share this with you and just hope against hope you're as understanding and forgiving as you say you are. If not, I won't be upset. Then again, I also won't be surprised. The word is out, so to speak and although this isn't rural Iowa or anything, it's not a big city and people talk, you know? I've already heard a couple of very rude remarks from total strangers in public places."

Carter sat there just waiting for her to speak.

Kendall heaved a big sigh, took a small sip then said, "Have you ever heard the name 'Hannah Haze'?"

"Hmmm. Can't say as I have. But then, I didn't know who Kim Kardashian was until a few months ago. Is she famous?"

"In certain circles," Kendall offered. "Um...do you ever watch porn by any chance? Not judging. Just asking."

"Truthfully? I do watch some occasionally. Living alone gets rather...lonely, you know."

"Well, if you watched enough of it, you'd know who Hannah Haze is."

"Oh, okay. She must be a porn star. Duh? With a name like that..."

"Yeah, she is. Or rather...was."

The light finally went on and Carter said, "I think I just put two and two together."

Kendall took a sip and told him, "It was a stage name I thought sounded sexy. I was all of 18 and I absolutely loved sex after my high school boyfriend, Jake, showed me how enjoyable it could be. I found I liked it so much I just up and called things off with him and started sleeping around—a lot. Needless to say, he was very upset and he's never forgiven me or forgotten. I finished high school and that first summer on my own I met a very attractive older man who took a real interest in me. I've had a kind of thing for older guys I can't really explain and he was the first of several others. I had no idea he was 'in the business' as we began dating. The sex was amazing and it didn't take him long to convince me to audition for a 'movie role' promising me more money than I ever dreamed of. I jumped at the offer and spent the next five years earning a lot of it. The money really was good and I had more work offers than I could accept. But after five years in that industry I was burned up and burnt out. I wanted out so badly I could taste it. And once I broke away from it, I realized how sad, lonely, and empty I felt. Every time I found a nice guy, my past came back to haunt me. Or as I learned with the very first guy I liked, Jake found me. He basically stalked me. He'd wait until I was alone in a public place with whatever new guy then walk in and set his phone down in front of the guy I was with and show him a scene from one of my movies. I moved to Seattle and he found me. I met Richard and moved here without ever going back to my apartment in Seattle, but he still found me, and he did the same thing to me two days after Richard proposed."

She had a distant, forlorn look in her eyes as she told Carter, "I want children and a family more than anything. But who's going to marry a woman with hundreds of sex scenes forever posted on the internet? What decent guy would let a woman like that be the mother of his children? Sure, he'll go to bed with her. He'll tell her he loves her, but he'll never marry her."

She took a larger drink of her wine and said, "So that's why I'm ready to give up on ever finding a really good, decent guy to marry and start a family with. Care to share your tale of woe now that you know you can't possibly top it?"

Carter set his glass down and leaned forward. "I wish to God that were true. But it isn't." He looked up at her as he leaned over resting his forearms on his thighs and said, "I want you to know I didn't do what I was accused of. I can't prove I'm innocent now anymore than I could when charges were filed. But I know what did and didn't happen and none of the things I was accused of ever took place."

"Did you kill someone?" she asked with an air of disbelief.

"No, if it was 'only' murder, I wouldn't be the pariah I've become. Some murderers like Charles Manson and Scott Peterson even have admirers. Guys who do the things I was accused of have none."

"Oh, my God. I'm afraid to even ask," she said.

"I was a reporter for the New York Times. I was on my way up having written several big stories. I even had a cover story once on Time Magazine. I was an investigative journalist and I was covering the Russian sex slave trade in the US. I managed to get inside through a contact I made via a friend of a friend of a friend. But as it turned out, this contact was no friend. He learned I was a reporter who had enough information to shut them down and put a bunch of them in jail for a very long time."

"So what happened?" she asked with genuine interest.

"I was set up. I had all the information I needed with one exception. I knew there was an under-age circle in this sex-slave ring, but I didn't have proof. My contact arranged for me to meet with two of the girls and even though I chose the location, he managed to get in all on video. I won't go into the details but the girls removed... Anyway, thanks to some slick editing, it looked very much like I'd done something terrible. That video found its way to the district attorney of New York and charges were filed."

"But if you didn't do it, how did it get you fired?"

"I hired an attorney. A good attorney. After reviewing all of the evidence he urged me to take a plea deal. I was facing 25 years in prison, Kendall. I was scared. I hired another attorney and he urged me to do the same thing. I even talked to a couple of others informally and both agreed the plea deal was too good to pass up."

"So what happened?" she wanted to know.

"I pled guilty to two misdemeanor counts of child abuse. Instead of 25 years in prison, I got 45 days in jail, a $10,000 fine, and five years probation. My name would also never appear on any sex offender list, but in terms of my career, that didn't matter. The Times fired me the day I took the deal and no one in journalism would touch me after that. I got out of jail and started drinking. It got so bad my wife finally left me and decided to get some help. Long story short, I used the last money I had to move as far away from New York as I could get. I worked odd jobs saving money and was able to get a loan to open the dance studio and well...here I am. So I have a very similar issue in that every woman I've gotten close to and told about my past has moved on. And who can blame them? I did plead guilty and most people seem to believe 'where there's smoke, there's fire.'"

"Oh, my God. That's so terrible. Do you have children?"

"No. That's probably the only good thing about any of this. No one has to talk about their father's conviction for something so awful and unforgivable. And as I said, I'm the only person who knows with absolute certainty nothing happened. But my career and marriage were destroyed as well as my future and any real chance of starting over. That said, I always wanted children and I'd still be willing to...if..."

"Jesus, Carter. I'm so sorry. I feel terrible for you."

"And I for you." He made a kind of snorting sound and said, "Maybe Bellingham is the place where the lonely and brokenhearted end up at." He sat up straight and said, "So now that you know the truth, I suppose I should offer to leave so you don't have to ask me to."

Kendall looked at him and said, "I think you just taught me the meaning of 'empathy', Carter."

"So you don't hate me?"

She answered his question with one of her own. "Do I disgust you?"

"Not at all. You were young and naive. You've changed. You're none of those things anymore. I don't hate you, Kendall. I admire you for having the courage to get out and start a new life."

He stood up to leave anyway and Kendall got up, as well. She walked him to the door and said, "Had you not explained the difference between sympathy and empathy, I'd be telling you I feel sorry for you. But I don't. I feel...I feel connected to you because I know what you've gone through. Not exactly, of course. No two situations are ever identical. But there are similarities in terms of the way society views us and how any prospective mate looks at us. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I get it."

"I thought you might," he told her. "Once you shared your experiences with me, I felt like I could trust you with mine. Thank you for not disappointing me. I...I actually feel like I may have finally made a friend. Even is she is planning on leaving, at least it won't because of me."

"You have made a friend, Carter, and so have I. We should do this again sometime. Oh, and I really would like to finish the class."

"It just so happens my current class is finishing up next Wednesday so if you can swing by...or maybe even...waltz by..."

Kendall laughed a genuine laugh for the first time since he'd known her and it made him feel good to see it. "You have such a beautiful smile. I love seeing it," he told her.

"Thank you for saying that, Carter. You really are a very nice man." She opened the door for him and wished him goodbye. "And I will definitely be there next week, okay?"

"I'll look forward to it," he said as he headed down the sidewalk toward his car. It had stopped raining and although it was cold and raw, he felt a warmth inside he hadn't experienced in a very long time.

____________________

Class began at 7 o'clock sharp. Kendall hadn't shown up yet, and Carter had to press on. Each pair had to perform one dance of each step they'd learned over the past six weeks: the Foxtrot, the Waltz, the Rumba, the Cha Cha, and the Swing.

At a quarter after, he saw her slip in quietly and when she caught his eye, she waved to him returning his smile. "I was beginning to think you might not show up."

"So was I," she said. "But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do this. Am I too late?"

"Not at all," he told her. You got all of the lessons except the Swing so we'll spend the rest of the time on that. They're all demonstrating what they've learned, and it's really just a formality. Anyone who makes it this far and just tries gets a certificate of completion."

"So do I have to demonstrate the other dances?" she asked him.

"Technically, yes. But I watched you dance and you were very good. Once you get the basics of Swing down, I'll be happy to print out a certificate for you."

Carter explained he'd be watching them carefully while he worked with Kendall and that seemed to be satisfactory with everyone as they were all there for the pure enjoyment of dancing, not for a piece of paper.

By 8 o'clock, Kendall had all of the basic steps solidly down and was doing a very credible Swing as Carter called an end to the class.

"Ladies and gentlemen? My congratulations to all of you. Please give yourselves a big hand as I get your certificates."

He handed them out individually and wished them all well while reminding them he taught other classes if they'd like to learn something else. He had one couple sign up for line dancing and another tell him they'd be back after the holidays.

Once everyone else had left, Carter said, "Okay, let me gin up a completion certificate for you and you'll be all set."

When he handed it to her she said, "Do you have to be anywhere right now?"

"Me? Ha! Where would I have to be? Back at my place watching reruns of Frazier?"

Kendall laughed remembering her line about The Golden Girls. "Well, I was wondering...I mean, I really did enjoy the other dances. Could be possibly do one of each before we leave?" Her eyebrows were raised high in hopeful expectation.

"Well, I suppose that's a possibility. If I agree to that, is there any chance you might actually risk venturing out in public with me to have a real dinner?"

She set the certificate down on the folding table next to her, smiled and said, "I think there's a very good chance of that."

Carter told her, "There's that smile I like so much."

"I've been smiling a lot more since we talked. I feel like I finally have hope again, you know? I mean, if you can overlook my past, well, isn't it possible someone else could, too?"

"Now that's the spirit!" he told her as he hit 'play' for a Foxtrot. He held out his hand as he bowed slightly. She curtseyed and took it as they began to move around the floor.

Twenty minutes later, Kendall was smiling as brightly as he'd ever seen. "That was so much fun!" she told him. "And I didn't step on your toes once!"

"You did not," he agreed. "You're a very good dancer, Miss Kendall."

Kendall laughed at the use of her first name with Miss and told him, "Well, you sir, are a very good instructor."

She helped him close and lock up the studio and he walked her to her car. "So are you going to ask me dinner or did you already forget?" she said with another bright smile.

"I may be old, but I'm not that old," he said smiling back at her.

"You're not old," she said quietly. "You're nice. And you're very charming." She looked up at him and she said, "You're also my new best friend."

"Dittoes on that, my friend," he told her. "How about Friday evening? I'll pick you up at eight, if that works for you."

"It works perfectly!" she told him happily. She looked down then back up at him and said, "Well, g-night, Carter." She stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek then stepped back.

He opened her door for her and said, "Good night, Kendall."

As she drove away he stood there wondering what, if anything, had just happened. It was cold outside but there was a warm stirring in a once-familiar place. A stirring he hadn't felt for a woman in gee...how many years had it been? 'Too many' was all he could think of. Way too many.

____________________

By Friday he realized it had been just over five years. Five years since his last real date with a woman. He had to go back to his youth to remember the last time he'd gone out with a really attractive woman and even then he couldn't ever remember a single date with anyone as pretty as Kendall Anderson.

The day before he'd realized he didn't have a single thing to wear and necessity had forced him to go shopping for clothes other than socks or underwear in a very long time.

He ended up buying pair of dark blue Docker pants with a gray, button-down shirt and a black sweater to wear over it. He found a pair of reasonably dressy, comfortable shoes and ended up throwing in a pair of black socks to boot.

As he finished dressing and combing his still dark hair he thought to himself, "You don't look that bad, old man." And indeed he didn't. He kept himself in good shape with the dancing and he had a home gym he used several days a week to try and keep his body toned. He'd always had a great smile and with just a touch of product in his thick hair, he felt better about himself than he had in well...a very long time. He had no misgivings about dinner with Kendall going anywhere. It just felt so good to finally be going out with someone. Especially someone who knew his deepest secret and didn't condemn him for it.

It wasn't even raining when he walked outside and got in his car. He was wearing a jacket because it was 40 degrees, but the night sky was clear and bright. "Must be a sign!" He laughed and even the laughter felt genuine. Optimism most definitely felt better than pessimism even if the optimism was all in his head.

He'd stopped by a flower shop on his way home and carried the bouquet with him to her door. He took a deep breath then rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, he heard the bolt turn and the door opened.

"Good evening," he said.

"Hi. Come in," she said.

"These are for you," he told her handing her the carnations.

"Carter! They're beautiful. Oh, my God!" She held them close to her face and inhaled deeply. "They smell so good!" She put one arm around his neck and kissed him on the cheek again and thanked him one more time. "Let me just take care of these real quick," she said.

"You look very nice, by the way," she told him.

"You just stole my line," he chirped. "You look sensational."

"It's just an old skirt and sweater but thank you. That's very sweet."

She did look sensational. Carter had always preferred brunettes, but Kendall's long, cornsilk-colored hair was really beautiful. It was soft and silky and just amazing. She parted it on the side and wore it about shoulder length. It was straight but not perfectly so. He noticed she was wearing a little bit of makeup tonight. Some foundation, a small amount of eye shadow, and a touch of mascara and plain lip gloss. She was naturally beautiful without makeup, but just this small amount made her look incredible. She was wearing a fairly short raspberry-colored skirt with a long-sleeved, very light-green sweater with a v-neckline that showed some of her ample-but-not-oversized cleavage. Carter guessed she was probably a full C that may or may not be natural. Whatever the reason, her breasts were very nicely framed by the form-fitting top which also hugged her very tight, very narrow waist. Her legs were long and shapely and the heels she was wearing showed off her calves in a very sexy way. Kendall was simply...hot.

"Hardly," he said. "You'd look nice in anything you wore, but that look is perfect for you. You'll be drawing a lot of attention tonight."

She turned around and he could see the hurt in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just meant that..."

"It's okay. I know what you meant and that was very sweet of you to say." She walked toward him and said, "But I don't want to draw anyone else's attention tonight, Carter. I'm going out with you because I want to be with you, okay?"

"Okay," he replied rather sheepishly knowing to leave well enough alone. "But you do look very pretty."

"Thank you. I appreciate that very much." She looked up at him and said, "Okay, I'm ready if it's time for us to leave."

He helped her on with her black coat and handed her her purse then opened the door for her. She locked it behind them then turned around and said, "Burr! It's so cold out here!" She slid her arm underneath his and pulled herself close. "I can't wait for summer," she said.

"Oh, right. Summer. Yeah, that's the nicest two weeks of the year here."

Kendall laughed loudly in the dark night as he opened the car door for her.

Unlike Seattle, Bellingham didn't have a ton of choices when it came to upscale restaurants. One of the nicer places was Anthony's Homeport which had decent food and a view of the water out of a large picture window. Carter made a reservation for two at their table with the best view.

"I haven't been here before," she said. "This is very nice."

The hostess seated them and took their drink order assuring them their server would be with them shortly. Carter ordered two glasses of champagne and helped Kendall with her coat. "Are you chilly?" he asked as he sat it down.