Mother Was a Smoker

"Hello Mother, yes, it's me." She sat herself down and I sat beside her. She looked older, much older than she was. She was 46 but looked nearer 60. She had a wrinkled face and sallow complexion. Her hair had been done recently and, although tidy, could have done with more attention. She still made an effort with makeup but she could not hide the ravages of age, drinking and smoking.

"So Mother do you still live here?" I nodded to the cafe.

"Yes, I own it now. Tyrone has been gone years ago. I took the business on and made a living. I didn't make it rich, but I've survived. I just stepped outside for a smoke."

"Why didn't you ever come back, or let us know where you were?"

"Did you want me back? You never looked for me, did you?"

"No we didn't." I had to admit it. "We didn't look for you and really we didn't want you back with us. We thought you were with Ty and his buddies, going wherever they were going. Most likely to prison."

I tried to look into Mother's eyes to see if I could get to the real woman. Her eyes were like closed shutters. I could see nothing there. I understood now what Dad had told me some years ago. He knew that he did not need any further revenge; for Mother and Tyrone to live with each other would be enough. Neither could really trust the other.

"You thought I was a slut didn't you, a common prostitute?" Mother asked as she fiddled with her ashtray.

"Mother, Dad knew you were a slut, so did I when I got older. That's why we never bothered about you."

"Right, I suppose I had that coming. Where's your Dad, what's he doing now?"

"He's doing fine. He's married with two little children at school."

Mother drew on her cigarette again. Her hand was shaking. "Married? Anyone I might know?"

"Gwen, Mrs Haddon's daughter, you may remember her. They lived down the street and you got them to babysit us."

"Ah, yes, but she was a skinny plain girl. Is she any good as a wife? I'm sure you know what I mean."

"Mother, she is an excellent wife, a mother, step mother, friend, confident, housekeeper, and as far as Dad is concerned an excellent lover too."

"Better than me?"

"Mother surely no one could be worse than you? While you ask about motherhood, have you given any thought to Tiffany?"

"Tiffany, she was the start of the end wasn't she? What happened to her?"

"You never bothered about her, did you?" Now I was getting angry. "You dumped her on Dad and went. You never bothered, her father never bothered. Well Dad cared for her, Gwen cared for her, Mother, I cared for her. We all cared for her and about her, we still do. She's started university this year. She had all sorts of trouble because people knew or guessed she was not Dad's daughter. But he stuck with her."

"Robert, I should be sorry for what I did, but you know, the world is a shitty place. People get shit on all the time. We've all been shit on. I shit on you, Ty shit on me." Mother stubbed out her cigarette. "I'm going inside, come in with me and talk some more."

"I've got to get back to work. Should I come back again? Is there any point?"

"Yes, Robert. You can come back. I'd like that but I'm not promising anything."

"Before I go, tell me where Tyrone is."

"He's dead. He had some bad stuff six years ago and never recovered. I'm on my own here. I just carry on doing what he did."

"I can't say I'm sorry. He wrecked our lives and he split up our family. You let yourself be seduced by him." I paused and turned to go, "OK Mother, I'll be back sometime. See ya 'round." I left the grubby place. I would have to think about going back there.

That night I went to see Dad. I told him that by chance I had met Mother. "She is at the cafe we used to go to 15 years ago."

"Did she want anything?"

"No. She seemed to be getting on with her life. She's not good but she's not destitute. She dealt shit and she got it back in full measure."

"I don't want to see her and I certainly don't want her here. I definitely don't want her to meet Tiffany either. If you do see her again, and I won't stop you, be careful. She is your mother but I don't trust her. I think about what she did to us."

I understood what Dad had said. All the same, I knew I had to tell Tiff I had seen her and I had to tell her that her father was dead. Not that it made any difference to anything; I don't think Tiff ever met him. I phoned Tiffany and told her I had met Mother. She was interested but not really bothered.

"Mother didn't care about me, why should I care about her? And my biological father? I didn't know him, he was a bastard wasn't he, good riddance. I have my Dad; I don't need any other father."

So there I was again. I was in the cafe and I remembered it all. There was the high counter, the faded paintings of cannabis plants on the walls and the door leading to the back room. Mother used to get high on whatever and then fuck men in that back room. She was a slut all right back then. As I waited, she came out through that same back door and hugged me. I let her. I said to her that I had told her former family about her but they did not want to know her.

"Why did you do it, Mother?" I needed to find out for my own satisfaction. "Why did you abandon us?"

She stared down at the table top. I guessed she was feeling the guilt. "It began when you were born. We had been married two years then. I realise now that I most likely had post natal depression but it wasn't diagnosed. I began to smoke pot. I got it from Tyrone. I saw him on and off for the next few years. He and I started having sex and he gave me other stuff. Then I had Tiffany. I named her for him. I should be sorry about that because your Dad cared so much for her. Then Ty introduced me to some of his friends. That's when I knew I'd gone too far. I was becoming a whore. I had to leave your Dad."

At this point Mother seemed so sad but she was hardened now and could not cry even if she wanted to.

"The day I left I had found out I was pregnant again. It was almost certainly Ty's, but it could have been someone else's. I had got to know a couple of guys over the previous months. Men Ty knew. Good for business. You understand what I mean don't you?"

I did not want to hear details of Mother's sexual escapades. That was enough for me, however she continued. "I was too ashamed to face your Dad any longer. I could not bring Tiffany down here with me so I simply abandoned you all. I was evil and only out for myself."

"What happened to the baby, Mother?" This had raised the question that I may have other unknown brothers or sisters.

"Ty did not want a kid around so I had an abortion. When I was in the clinic I had my tubes tied so it wouldn't happen again."

"Did it work out for you?"

"No, not really. I was a drug pusher's tart. I was fucked by him, his friends and his associates. I used to keep condoms and lube in my bedside cabinet. I caught STD's and was treated a couple of times. My life turned to shit, Robert. I used to enjoy the sex but it became a chore. There was no love. Ty was my only friend but he used me. Then he went and died. I was not even sad. It was just someone else I wouldn't see again. He left me some money and he had already put the cafe in my name. It wasn't worth much but it gave him a legitimate income. So now I am the sole proprietor of a greasy spoon caff. I still let the girls come in but I don't pimp them like he did. Trade is variable but sufficient, I survive and that's it."

I felt for her but even she had admitted she brought all this on herself. She should have sought treatment but had not. She had not allowed Dad to help her and she got what came from that. My Mother was a genuine slut, I now knew that for certain. I also knew I did not want to hear any more. She could never be part of our family again.

She sighed, "I need a smoke."

I said 'Goodbye' and walked out the door.

She followed me out and lit up a cigarette. Mother was still a smoker.