All Comments on 'Moving to San Diego Pt. 01'

"My ten inches cock was feeling like steel,"

I enjoyed your story. My dick enjoyed it even more! Sometimes you chose the wrong words, but it was easy to follow. Hurry with part 2.

Why mess up a good story with a 10 inch cock. Stopped reading with that. You must be so very insecure with what you have mate. Too bad

Forget the critics...or listen a little, but please continue this story.

Thanks!

& a son of a bitch is jason.Hmm & with a great IQ. This should be in loving wife category.Lisa is a cheater.What I m assuming is that jason will blackmail lisa to continue their "affair" & she'll get pregnant with his child.They may get married too. Poor Brian, he'll be so confused, first jason is his step brother & then his stepfather what a mess.But I liked the story ;-).

1-The excessive narcissism of Jason. 2-The stupid dime store porn novel dialogue of the MILF once they began to have sex. 3-The need for an editor. Way too many glaring errors. 4-The stupid blackmail bit at the end. Great, he'll use video to blackmail her into having more sex and then he'll knock her up. Zzzzzzz.<p>

This one could've been really good too. The ingredients were there for a long, hot, sexy seduction. The narcissism just wouldn't let it happen though. Too bad.

The story was okay, but the dialogue was painful.

What an opening chapter. Since his dad and her are already trying to have another baby, what an opening! So I assume she is going to start fucking him regularly and then she will begin wanting his baby as well, and get pregged either before his dad comes home or later when he is off on one of his other trips? Very erotic and natural between stepson and stepmother.

This truely is constructive criticism. >>>>> OK, where to begin? 1. You need to throw out your erotic cliche' handbook (10" cock, etc.) 2. Lose the 'Porn Video' dialouge. 3. Your protagonist has ZERO sympathy value: IE: He's a prick, plain and simple. 4. Get a good editor. Lit has tons of them, so ASK for one. 5. Post your tale in the correct category. 'Loving Wives' would have been better for this. >>>>> With all that said, this still has the potential to be a very good tale. It will just take some work to get it in shape. Don't give up.

you might want to edit yourself to avoid mixing your tenses. Starting one paragraph in the present tense, then switching to past tense (more appropriate) in the next sentence breaks the rhythm of a very hot story.

hey, dude... be very careful wit dialogs...! apart from that, its a nice story . Correct yourself n go ahead...

Like said before -much too full of himself - needs an editor - more description and less porn-verbs.

Overall I enjoyed the read - and was turned off by the video bit at the end.

You certainly have the makings of a great author if yoo follow the others advice though....but something tells me you won't!!!

Geoff - Western Australia

You should read through the story to catch all the poor grammar and typos. Better yet, get a native English speaker to read through it. A native English speaker will have a better grasp of the idioms you butchered through the entire story. Also, if the main character had last seen his dad 3 years ago when he was 14, that would make him 17, not 18. If he is about to start his senior year in high school, then usually he would start college the next year, not "in a couple years."

The main character thought far too highly of himself, especially the size of his cock.

The build up was too quick. The story, like lovemaking, would have been much better taking time to build up to the big event. Jokingly groping her breast for 2 or 3 days then getting her drunk and seducing her is unbelievable and disappointing. But not as disappointing as knowing that he will use blackmail to force her to be his lover. Seduction is always more sexy!

Dude, you really need to get an editor. I have no clue how you got such a high rating with such crappy English.

I also agree with the previous reviewer that you desperately need an editor. I can't even get past the first page because of all of the grammatical distractions. Sorry.

I agree with the last persons comment of "GRAMMAR YUK"!!! it SUCKS!!! and I agree that you need help in the grammar, but aside from that I am enjoying the story line so I'll still be reading the other chapters an d I'm prepared still to put up with your crappy grammar.

What a joy is happening for both! Just maybe there will be other women for Jason to enjoy! So well written! and there is more to the story!

ONLY ONE MAN'S OPINION:

All the key elements are here, the female character comes across as very sexy, not a bimbo, nor a caricature. Her dilemma is understandable in very real human terms. She has misgivings about her behavior in real human terms which readers can understand. But the lead male character, right fromn the start, is a selfish, egotistical, manipulative and sex-crazed character who seems to have zero redeeming qualities. As presented, there is nothing sympathetic about him at all.

In the search for a sexy story, sometimes I might overlook this grossly unappealing main character, but when such an obvious writing failure is accompanied by very basic writing defects: sloppy punctuation, tired cliches, butchered common phrases, repeated misspellings [e.g., the word you want is ADVENTUROUS], omitted words. etc., then this potentially good story becomes unreadable---it's like slogging through quicksand. The sad part is that work product here is the result of lazy or non-existent editing, which means that every basic writing defect is easily remedied with the help of a good editor. Such a simple fix. I can't suffer through 5 more parts like no. 1, but I wish you luck. AND PLEASE FIND EDITING HELP!

Why is it that no matter how many people may be around the woman always "screams out loud". Surely even a 3 yr old would hear mommy screaming. Big cock, high IQ and at 18 plenty of females to do his bidding. Sooooo boring. Can:t be bothered with the remaining chapters

Jason seems like an asshole. He is not likeable, and seems to be little more than a rapist.

Apparently your genius IQ doesn't extend to writing in the English language.

You badly need an editor

So much so, that I shall not be reading a following chapter.

Surprised to see the rating you've got too.

Don't give up, but you do need help, and do it without me ☹️🙏🙏☹️

I

I enjoyed the story immensely. I didn't think the grammar was all that bad either. Just saying.

Needs a good editing. Seems like every other sentence has a grammar, punctuation or spelling error. I had to stop and reread a sentence several times.

Seduction was poorly paced. The kid has no finesse. Don’t know how this story got a decent score.

Finally, a story where the guy isn't a stuttering, wussy, momma's boy. 5*

Finally not a nervous idiot wuss

Great story.

You need an editor. Too may errors to count.

I read this chapter because I like the author & premise on which this story is based, but I don’t think I will preserve with the rest of the yarn because of the desperately high number of errors in grammar, inappropriate word usage and lapses in continuity that combined are an absolute turn off for the reader. All potential enjoyment is lost and any sense of erotica is compromised by these extraordinary errors when proof reading the chapter before submitting it was clearly not undertaken. Unfortunately these errors are repeated in other work by the author and what might have been an enjoyable body of work is severely compromised by this lack of attention to basic standards of writing.

Huh. Read this a few times, but this time the idea of him telling her to close her eyes just so he can take pictures of her seems pretty messed up.