Mr. Lewis Ch. 03

"Danica."

"What?" I sniffled.

"You're crying." He stopped moving and pulled out of me. I winced from the sudden feeling of emptiness. "What's the matter?" When I didn't answer, he picked me up, turning me so I'd have to look at him; in my face was his answer. "Danica," he groaned as if he felt my pain.

I continued to cry as he carried me to my bed and laid me down. I was surprised when he curled up behind me. "No. You can leave if you want. I'm fine."

"No you're not," he whispered, his voice thick.

"But I have to be."

"You don't have to be okay, Dani," his voice broke as he said my name, making me turn around to face him. "I told you neither of us needed this. God, why did you let me do this? Why did I let myself do this?"

His eyes were red with tears; it broke my heart and somehow mended it at the same time. His tears told me he was hurting to; they told me that even through all of the callous silence, he cared for me as I cared for him. A new wave of tears fell down my face as I climbed on top of Ryan's erection.

"Dan—oh God," he said as I lowered myself onto him. "What are you doing?" he sounded out of breath.

"You can't start something and not finish it—especially this. It's too late to take it back. It's just too late," I whispered while sliding down his erection. The word that came out of my mouth was a garbled combination of "ah" and "ouch". He had never been this deep in me before; it was a welcome, however, alien feeling. I bent down, buried my face in Ryan's neck and undulated my hips. He uttered harsh, four-lettered epithets as I moved up and down and circled around him. Ryan wrapped his arms around me and kissed my shoulders, face, and neck, bringing me closer to my climax.

"Sit up, baby. Sit up."

I did as he said and he placed his hands on my hips, rendering me immobile before he began to push into me. The feeling was so intense that my sex immediately rippled around his girth. "Ryan!"

"Just feel it for me, baby. I need you to feel it for me—for us."

And with that, my body froze over.

"There is no us."

"Hey, hey. Look at me, Danica. Look at me." Ryan put my face in between his hands as he continued to move in and out of me. "It's just you and me right now. All right? Just you and me."

Of course it was just him and me, there was no one else in the room; but, it wouldn't be just him and me when we were surrounded by four walls and a handful of students. I knew it wouldn't be just him and me when he came and would leave me alone in my empty house. Then it would be just me. Had it always been just me?

"Danica," Ryan pulled me to his chest and slid out of me before rolling us. He hovered over me as he slid his manhood up and down my clit. "Please, Dani. I need to see you come. I need to see that I can do more than just hurt you." His tears hit my chest and slid down my body as he continued to grind into me. I wrapped my legs around him and he rolled us again, this time I was on top. "Take me," he whispered.

I gripped his girth in my hand and centered it with my body before, again, lowering onto him. I immediately began to move, hoping to drive both our orgasms quickly. He met me thrust for thrust, his fingers finding their way to my clit. ''No...."

"Yes," he said before taking his bottom lip between his teeth.

I tried to shut him out but failed; his moans and groans of pleasure were turning my body into the towering inferno. "No," I wailed as the pleasure began to spike.

"Oh, yes. Just give it to me, Dani. Give it up, baby." Ryan coaxed me to an earth-shattering orgasm, but he was relentless; he flipped me over to my back and entered me again. I cried out but he pounded on, making my third orgasm build. There was no point in fighting it, Ryan commanded my body like I was a marionette and he was the puppet master. "Another, Dani," he said, slightly shifting his body to the side.

"I can't," I cried.

"Yes. You. Can." Ryan lowered himself onto his forearms and really began to plow into me—I came in seconds and he followed. His orgasm came with a cry of my name as he buried his face in my neck.

Time stood still as we laid in each other's embrace, taking turns soothing the other when we would lose our composure and cry—me more so than Ryan. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay and offered to get me water or something else stupid that I had no need of. It wasn't my physical condition that worried me; I had become an emotional wreck in no time. I was angry, intensely sad, happy...I couldn't stay in one state before another took over. Ryan lay with his arms around me, castigating himself for what just occurred, and I let him. I wanted someone to blame for our moments of indiscretion that wasn't myself. That only made me cry more.

Ryan's warmth coupled with my sobs had me drifting off to sleep until my phone rang a little after eight.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dani. Were you asleep?" Dustin's voice had me shooting straight out of the bed. I forgot it was his night to hang out with me.

"I was dozing off. You finished with your shift?"

"Yeah. I was heading over, if that's okay."

"Sure, yeah, that's fine. I'll be up."

"Cool. See you in a few."

I hung up and returned the phone to its rightful place, trying to avoid Ryan's eyes the entire time.

"Dustin?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I'd better go, then."

"No," I said before my brain could filter out my neediness.

"Danica, you know I can't stay forever."

"I know. I don't want you to feel obligated to leave because Dustin is coming."

Ryan moved around my room in silence as he gathered and donned his clothes. I covered up with the blankets, feeling more naked than ever. When Ryan was dressed, he sat on the edge of my bed, facing away from me—I knew this was it. He was leaving. "You should put some clothes on before he gets here."

I laughed without humor. "That's it. That's all you're gonna say to me?"

"What more can I say, Danica? Is there anything to say that can make this situation different? Is there anything to say that can ease the pain?"

"No, but I figured the coldness wouldn't return until I was back in school again."

"Danica, you have every right to move on with Dustin if you want to."

"What?"

"I'm not gonna make you wait around for me when a good kid is practically knocking down your door to be with you. That would be selfish and unfair of me."

"I don't want anyone else, Ryan."

"You say that now, but you'll change your mind. You're young," he got up from the bed and walked to the door. "I'll see you in class."

I didn't even wait until I heard the front door close before falling into a fit of hysterics; and I should've blamed myself, but I didn't. How could I? Ryan had every right to say 'no' to me, but he didn't. He succumbed and fucked me.

He's the adult! He should've taken the initiative and acted his age; but even as I thought this, I couldn't find conviction in any of the words.

I heard Dustin's car hit my driveway and I hopped out of bed to find some clothes to wear. By the time he made it to my room I was dressed with my tears dried; he could tell I cried, though. He questioned me relentlessly until I came up with a semi-decent lie.

"I'm just so tired of sitting in this house all day by myself. I mean, I'm recovering, so shouldn't I be allowed to do something?"

He contemplated this. "I can tell being locked up here has been tough on you. You're not a hermit by any means," he laughed lightly at this. "How about we go out and get some food? Maybe some ice cream? Carl's has food and ice cream so if you feel inclined, you can get both," he looked so proud of himself that I had to say yes, even though I lacked an appetite.

I ordered my favorite ice cream: one scoop of cookies and crème, one scoop of strawberry, and a scoop of birthday cake—all in one dish. Dustin rambled on about classes and colleges while I devoured my treat. Appetite or no, it was hard to refuse homemade hard serve—or maybe it was Dustin's presence that soothed me. He was the only one of my close friends that had no clue about me and Ryan, so he wasn't wasting his time feeling sorry for me, or asking if I was going to be okay, or trying to throw me into new relationships; I felt that I could relax and forget the pain, if only for a while. That's what prompted me to say yes to his spring break proposal.

He thought it'd be a good idea for him, Cori, and I—me mostly—to get out of Bloomington, if only for a short while. I agreed with gusto.

"So, where'd you want to go? Somewhere tropical? My parents are in Majorca, they might recommend it. The Bahamas might be nice. Or maybe...."

"Perhaps we should keep it to Illinois. You are just recovering from pneumonia."

I rolled my eyes. "It's not even full-blown pneumonia; I should be good to go by the time spring break rolls around."

My trip to the doctor the next day ruled that out. The insufferable man told me I should follow my friend's instructions and that the change of climate could hinder my full recovery; so, it was off to Chicago with us in a few weeks. On the horizon, though, was my authorized return to school. I wasn't allowed to participate in gym yet, but I wasn't worried about that. My one worry would be sitting in room 213 during seventh hour.

*

It was like a parade of red and pink in the halls of BHS for the most dreaded day at school for the single girl—Valentine's Day. Why I chose to come back on this day was beyond me. Of course, my friends wouldn't let me be without gifts, so I ended up with a bouquet of "secret admirer" carnations that were delivered by student council members (it was their fundraiser), a card, and an oversized bear that held a box of chocolate between its front paws. Ryan did a double take when I shuffled into his classroom with my gifts. It was petty of me to openly display them, but I wanted him to sweat. I wanted him to pay for at least a portion of what he had done to me.

"Wow, who's all that from?" Erin asked as she bounced along to her seat, carting some gifts of her own.

"Some of the flowers are from my friend Cori; but the bear, card, chocolates, and a good number of flowers are from Dustin Hoffman." I peeked out the corner of my eye and saw Ryan's face tighten. "I should've dropped this by my locker earlier, but the doctor told me not to make extra trips outside of going to classes." I shrugged. "Maybe that's why Dustin waited to give me the bear. He's always so thoughtful."

"Oooh, well maybe Dustin wants to be a little more than friends," Erin's eyes glittered with excitement.

I talked louder than usual for my response. "I think he always has, but I haven't been in the market until recently...tough break-up," I shrugged.

Erin nodded, her face solemn as if she had experienced the same thing.

Ryan called the class to order and began to teach—if you could call it that. He had us work in groups on a worksheet while he sat at his desk trying to hide his anger. After the worksheet was handed in, he put on a DVD, which only further confirmed his anger. He didn't want to speak, and he didn't want to be seen. He must've really been trying to lie low because he didn't even bother to wake up the students that had fallen asleep during the video.

The final bell rang for the day and everybody made haste in their pursuit to be free of classes, if only for the weekend. I stuck around. Of course, I knew he wouldn't say much to me but I waited anyway.

After a few minutes he sighed and looked up from his computer and stared at the wall. "Danica, what can I do for you?"

My coat did nothing for the chill that came from his demeanor. "Just saying 'hi'. Trying to be civil."

"Hello," he said, going back to his computer.

I laughed without humor. "Wow. You fucked me a couple days ago and all you have to offer me is a 'hello'?"

He rose out of his seat in one hasty, but fluid, motion to come stand in front of my face. "What the hell is wrong with you?" His nostrils flared and his eyes turned the color of coal. "You can't be serious right now."

"Nobody's even in here. Cut the bullshit, Ryan."

"You cut the bullshit, Danica," he whispered harshly. "You come into my classroom, flaunting gifts that another guy bought you for Valentine's Day and spout some 'being civil' shit. So fucking immature. Then there was that bit with the 'bad break-up'," Ryan ran both hands through his hair and went back to his desk before speaking again. "Someone needs to teach you the definition of the word 'civil' because that whole display was the opposite. What are you doing here?"

"I brought you something, you ass hat. I can't very well go dropping off Valentine's Day cards to my teacher during class, can I?"

"You shouldn't have gotten me anything. We're not together anymore."

I inhaled deeply and fought tears back in order to put on my mask again. "That always feels better the second time around. Way to drive that knife home even more." He tried to speak but I silenced him with a look I reserved only for my parents when they made me angry. "You ignore me for however long you want, but when I'm sick you want to show interest in me. Then, you come over to my house, fuck and dump me, again," I shook my head and laughed once without humor. "And now, you want to put on some huge front that you're hurt because I'm getting gifts from the guy you told me to run off into the sunset with. I'm done. I've had more than enough of this fucking act—,"

"You're the one that's acting, Danica! Never once have I pretended to be okay. I never came to this classroom," he pointed to the ground for emphasis, "and put on a performance. I leave that to you. You come in here, pointing fingers at me when our last episode was completely consensual. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, it was you that begged me to fuck you, not the other way around; so you can cut the victim act. You're beefing this break-up into something more than it has to be. It's not about me not wanting you, it's about right and wrong."

I heard everything he was saying and saw truth in every word; but I wasn't going to relent now. I started this and I was going to finish it.

"Just stay the fuck out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours. Cause me an ounce of trouble, and we'll be right back at it again." I went into my bag and tugged out the card I bought Ryan. I walked over and slammed it on his desk, hoping he heard the clang of metal. I had tucked the necklace he gave me into the card as a farewell gesture. "You better not even look at me funny, or it'll be hell in your classroom, you fucking prick."

"Danica," he said before someone barged into the classroom.

"Mr. Lewis, there's a fight out by the cafeteria!"

Ryan looked from me to the student and back again.

"I'm coming, Chase," Ryan said, his voice hard. "I'll be back, Danica."

"Don't count on me being here," I said as he hustled toward the door.

He looked back at me, his face torn between duty and desire. "I'll be right back. Don't leave."

"If you're lucky."

He left the room and I deflated. My shoulders slumped as tears began to pour from my eyes. I didn't have time to really let go because another person made their presence known in the classroom. Thankfully, it was Dustin.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he rushed over to where I was sitting and crouched down to my eye level.

I thought of the quickest lie possible. "The asshole gave me a 'B'. Can you believe that? Danica Matthews with a 'B' on a history assignment?"

Dustin looked like he wanted to laugh. "Dani, you're throwing a fit over one assignment?"

I peered at him, cocking my head to the side. "I guess I am."

He laughed outright now. "You know, it's just one assignment. Come on, don't let that ruin Valentine's Day. Cori and I planned the entire night out for the three of us. It's gonna be fun."

I looked at Dustin, my eyes brimming with new tears. He took a piece of my hair and placed it behind my ear just as the classroom door reopened. It was him, and I hoped he saw what Dustin did.

"Oh, hey Mr. Lewis," Dustin said, not moving away from me. I could feel the testosterone level of the room rise with every step Ryan made into the classroom.

"Dustin. School is over, what are you still doing here?"

"I was looking for Dani and found her in here all alone." It could've been my imagination, but I swear I heard Dustin put emphasis on the "all alone" part.

"I was just coming back to speak with Miss Matthews, actually. If you'll excuse us a moment."

"Actually, I'm just gonna go. Dustin and I are gonna hang out tonight and probably plan our spring break," I said, rising from the desk. I didn't look at Ryan, but I could feel tension radiating off him in waves.

"Miss Matthews will be outside in a moment," Ryan said to Dustin. His tone told us both that there was no getting out of this discussion.

"I'll be right outside, Dani," Dustin said, rising from his knees and leaving the room. The door closed behind him.

I crossed my arms and waited for Ryan to talk.

"Danica," Ryan said, breathing deeply. "Why are you making this harder than it already is? Really. Isn't it enough that we're not together, now you have to add using Dustin to the mix?"

"Using Dustin? That's what you think? You really are an asshole. Maybe I actually like him."

Ryan's mask fell as pain made itself evident in his features. Part of me felt sorry for him, but the other part of me gloried in his defeat.

He put his hand over his mouth and briefly closed his eyes. "If you really like him, then I guess that's my fault."

I wanted to comfort him in that moment, but it would do neither of us any good. We'd open up the door to our linked emotions only to have to close it all over again. "You're so bipolar. Either you want me to move on, or you don't."

"Just because I think you should move on doesn't mean I want you to, Danica. Surely, you know that by now."

"What does it matter? We're not gonna be together either way, so," I shrugged. "This is it. I'm not doing this anymore. Either you're all in, or all out."

"You come into my room, cause all this drama, and offer me an ultimatum?" Ryan scoffed as he paced in front of his desk. He ran his hands through his hair before speaking. "I'm out, Danica." Ryan threw his hands in the air before running them through his hair again. "This is madness! It wasn't me that ended this relationship; it was you and all the shit you just pulled." My heart lurched in my chest as he continued. "Would you have acted decently, I would have checked in from time to time, been there for you when you needed; and right after graduation—were you available—I would have made us official again, but all of that is gone! All of this," he motioned to my gifts, "and that," he pointed toward the door where Dustin was waiting for me, "is more than enough for me to call it quits. I don't want to date a child, Danica. When I pursued you, I saw you as a mature, young adult that I could grow with, but these stunts and you blaming me for everything is where I draw the line. I have feelings too, you know. I may be more practiced at hiding them, but they're still there; and it seems like you want very badly to hurt them with any chance you get. So yes, I'm totally out," he threw his hands up in defeat before sitting back at his desk. "For good."

Everything inside of me sank to linoleum floor beneath me.

Well, you did want to get a rise out of him, my subconscious told me.

But I wasn't expecting that type of reaction. In truth, I'd expected him to see what a dumb decision he had made in breaking up with me...I'd hoped the gifts would make him jealous enough to want me for himself; I thought my words could guilt him into coming back to me. The truth of the matter was that he had never left me, but I was too blinded by having my feelings hurt to realize it. All of my realizations were irrelevant because the fact still remained that Ryan no longer wanted me—for real. I could see it in his eyes, the angry set of his jaw, and the rigidity of his body. He wanted me gone.