My Ex Wife Wants a Pound of Flesh

"This is turning out to be a hell of a week. We found out Sunday that our Chicago office didn't do shit on the Federal Truck Standards, so this morning we all decamped to the Weston in Farifax, to get it done by 2 PM tomorrow. I'll be lucky to sleep at all tonight. The only good news is I'll be able to be back in Chestertown a day early."

"Oh, good. Actually the Council meeting ended early, so I thought I'd surprise you, I'm at the apartment."

"Oh you poor thing. Spend the night, I should be back about noon or 1. We can have lunch..."

"I'd normally take you up on that, but I need to get back in the morning, and you'll be exhausted."

"Honey, I'm so sorry I missed you, at least I'll catch your scent when I slide between the sheets. I'll be missing you. I'll take a long nap at the apartment tomorrow and be home in time for a late supper. I love you!"

A week later, she said,

"I realized I have to shut my phone off a lot when I'm in meetings, or just so I can concentrate, but then I don't know who is calling, so I got a smart phone for just you and me. We can set it up so you can track me, that way you'll know where I am."

"I don't need to know that. I trust you."

She laughed "And I trust you as well, but I have no secrets from you, and you never know, that phone feature may come in handy sometime for some other reason."

So she gave me the gift of knowledge, which wasn't so good for Adam and Eve, but for me, I checked where she was a few times, and never bothered again.

We had had the biblical seven years of good luck, and I wondered if it was comming to an end when I opened my door one Saturday morning, to be greeted by my ex wife. I wrinkled my nose and said,

"You're dead to me." As I shut the door. Of course Heather heard what happened,

"Who was that?"

"My fucking ex wife. I told her to fuck off, but now she's was knocking again."

"On how nice, invite her in."

"I told her she was dead and shut the door on her"

Heather glared at me:

"It's my house too, and you'll be nice to her if only because she's a guest in our house! Things are obviously going very poorly for her or she wouldn't be here."

Heather smiled as she opened the door, "My husband tells me you're Andria! How nice to finally meet you. I'm Heather, by the way."

I looked at her more carefully and shivered a little. Andria was always thin, but now she looked gaunt with sunken eyes and cheeks. My first thought was 'what the hell did I ever see in her?' and the second had me wondering if she was seriously ill. Andria looked at me warily and said,

"I'm sorry to intrude, I won't be long."

Heather slid right in with,

"Don't worry about that, we're staying at home this afternoon. We were thinking of going out, but Jeffery has some yard work to get done I'm putting water on, I do so want to talk with you. Did you have a pleasant drive down?"

I took the hint and went outside, "Call me when the coffee's dripped." and left them to themselves. It must have been twenty minutes later heather called,

"Coffee's ready!" I had put the last quart of oil in the mower, and went in the house to clean my hands and pour a coffee. I sat with them as they finished their chatter. Peace came over me, I realized thankfully that I had no feelings for Andria at all, no love, no hate, zero emotions of any consequence, and looking at the two of them, I could honestly say I was well rid of her. The coffee mugs were finally empty,

"So after all these years, Andria, I don't suppose this is a social call."

"No it isn't. You have two daughters, the youngest is seven years old and needs a kidney transplant..."

Jesus what a bombshell. No! Of course I knew she and Buchanan had daughter, but mine? Can't be.

"You don't say! That's too bad, but as you know I've never met this child, so why don't you go to Switzerland or wherever money can buy everything and fix her. That's got nothing to do with me, so for the second time, why are you here?"

"My husband's shooting blanks, and," handing me an envelope, "I knew you would be doubtful, so I got the DNA reports, I didn't have a sample of your DNA, but all of your children have the same father. She's your flesh and blood. We're having trouble finding a kidney match, and she in total kidney failure. Jeffery, she won't live all that long, and the doctors think you're likely a match. I'm not or I wouldn't be here. I'm here to ask you to be checked for a match, and if so to save her life by donating a kidney. I'll pay you anything you ask."

Heather saw me starting to go orbital and put her hand on my arm, squeezed hard and jumped in.

"We need to discuss this, why don't you e mail us the detailed information and we'll discuss it and get back to you."

"Every day she's suffering..."

"Andria, let me talk to Jeffery. I'll call you the day after tomorrow. I promise"

Heather stood up and rummaged in the desk for one of my business cards. As Andria was leaving I couldn't help saying sarcastically:

"It was nice to hear how the number of my ex children is multiplying. Do let me know if anymore pop out. Drive carefully on your way back to where you came from."

I shut the door while Heather walked Andria to the car talking earnestly. I reheated a cup of coffee thinking the nerve of the fucking cunt to rub her money in my face, and went out to my shop. Heather called me couple hours later for supper.

"Well, there's what I'd call a troubled woman. Her child is dying, facing a slow death, and the only best hope is a big time favor from a guy who hates her, and that weren't enough, her marriage is shaky. That about sum it up?"

"I don't hate her, I just despise her, and I don't despise her for dumping me, but rather for depriving me of my children... and depriving my children of me. She thinks she has it rough facing the loss of a kid...Ok my kids aren't dead, but they might as well be 'cause they aren't really a part of my life.

"You think the kid's really mine?"

"I doubt she'd lie about that, I imagine you'll find out pretty quickly if they check you for a kidney match."

"Shit, I gotta read up on that. I really don't know nothing about kidney disease, transplants or anything like that. You make her any promises?"

"Just what you heard me say about calling her Tuesday. The child is stable, but not good. And Jeffery, I'll support you, whatever comes."

I got looking up on Wikipedia,the National Kidney Foundation website, and whatever and found that:

The kid eventually dies without a new kidney.

There is a huge shortage of kidneys.

The best outcome is if the donor is a close match to the recipient.

The kid would probably get a transplant at some point, but it would be a miserable time for her until she got one, and she might still die of kidney failure.

Sunday night I poured Heather a glass of the good wine we save for company, not the usual plonk we have on the table.

"You realize I would love to kick that cunt to the curb an' throw her under a bus, she hasn't changed a bit. Had she not absolutely needed me, she never would have told me about my daughter...but I have to do this, you know that, don't you?"

"This what? Throw her under the bus or donate a kidney?" We both laughed. It broke the tension. "Love, I wish the kid was OK, I wish...I wish your children were part of our lives, and I wish you got to keep both kidneys, but If I had a child, I know I'd do anything I needed to do to save her, and I know you feel the same way, so I understand why you need to give her your kidney. I saw that strength, that courage, and loyalty in you before I married you."

I was thinking,

"So she gave us a get out of jail free card, didn't she. What do we want to come out of all this? Right now all the pain and blood is all on me...well my daughter too. How can I get the ex and her husband to put some blood in the game?"

"I don't know why you would care. Forget 'em, focus on what you want? Do you know what you really want?"

"No, I never really gave it a thought, do you?" She patted my arm and smiled,

"You need to answer that question, not me."

"I was thinking, when my other kids were growing up, I was working so hard to bring home the money, working on the house and cars, that I didn't get to enjoy my children much, and then they were gone. So here's a daughter I don't know at all, I'd like to be part of her life, have my picture taken standing next to her on Prom night...they still have proms, don't they?" Heather nodded, "I'd like to raise her as I wish I could have raised my older children. That's what I want."

"Jesus, Jeffery, you want custody? She'll never give you that, and it would be traumatic for the child too. I'd be happy to have Karen on a weekend or two, that might work."

"I think she might give us custody. Remember the judgment of Solomon? Two women claim a child, Solomon decided to cut the kid in half, one half for each claimant? One woman agreed, the other renounced her claim, rather than the child die. Solomon declared her the mother. Andria will do the same, but I want her to have to work for it."

"Jeffery, you don't believe that! You can't make custody a condition of donating a kidney! A kidney for the kid, the kid for a kidney! What are you thinking?"

"Lot of thoughts running around in my mind right now, you're right I can't require custody as a quid pro quo. The kid gets my kidney." But I was thinking Andria doesn't have to know that.

I had worked hard to push the rage out of my heart years ago, and did a good job of it too, but seeing Andria, and the 'secret' child, it came flooding back. I wanted revenge on Andria too, but I didn't tell Heather that. That night we worked out the frame work of a deal, and one of the lawyers Heather worked with offered to work it up into something nice, legal, and enforceable. Just before we went up to Greenville, I added a page at the end, took me almost 20 minutes to find the same font the goddamn lawyers used, I wanted everything to match.

Monday she called Miriam and set up a family meeting between us, Miriam, her husband James, and my three older children. We stipulated that Karen not be present which was only common sense. I went up the day before for a tissue match, which proved she was my daughter, and that I was an excellent match for a kidney donation. While I was doing all that, Heather spent the better part of the day visiting with Andria and the children, and they got along quite well.

The next day Heather and I sat down with the Buchanans. James was clearly annoyed at the whole thing, Andria was sick with worry, and my other kids weren't much better. They did look good, wearing quality clothing, expensive haircuts, perfect teeth.

"Well I read up on all this, and the Kidney foundation is a really good charity, I'd like to see them come out ahead on this. So it turns out that you were correct Andria, Karen is my daughter and the good news is that I'm a good match to donate a kidney for her. But what you are asking me to do is to undergo major surgery, cbop out one of my kidneys, and give it to a stranger."

"But she's your child!" said my ex wife.

"No, she's the child of James and Andria Buchanan." I waved towards them,

" Youall left my life abruptly and for good, and none of you ever told me about Karen until you absolutely had to, I have every reason to expect you'll cloister Karen away from me as well, just as soon as you get your pound of flesh out of me. Plus this is all on me, not one of you will have shed a drop of blood, not a minute of pain, I mean you folks don't have any skin in the game, do you. Sorry but the continuation of my genes isn't that big a deal in my life."

Andria's face was contorted in anguish.

"There has to be a way. We'll do anything to save her, anything you want."

I paused a bit for dramatic effect.

"What will it take you ask? Well two things for one I want some time with my daughter, 72 days a year, 20% her time she'll live with Heather and I? Andria, would you think that's fair?"

"Ahh what's that, two weekends a month?"

"Well that'd be 48 days , so add a week or two in the summer that's about 15% of the time, so OK, I would get her 15% of the time and you 85% of the time. OK, so you agree that would be fair."

She looked at her husband, who shrugged and said,

"More than fair."

"I think so too. We agree on that. Now consider what I will be going through, perfectly healthy, getting cut open and an organ removed to help someone else live. How many of you, in my place, would be willing to do what you are asking me to do? Raise your hand. The three women's hands shot up, my two son's a few seconds later, and hesitantly James's hand. So you'd all be willing to do what you want me to do?"

They looked at each other nodding.

"Then we have the makings of a deal that will help the Kidney foundation too. On one day, Andria and I will donate kidneys one to Karen, and one to the transplant program, and when I come out of out of surgery; James goes in to donate a kidney to the Foundation as well. When that happens, Karen gets my kidney, I get custody of Karen, what did we say, 15% of the time? That seems fair to us all. How's that sound? You two will be written up in the paper as heroes!

James saw a distinction; "You'll take credit for it all."

"What's credit to me? You can say it was your idea, you're all the more noble because your donation is going to strangers, not to kin."

Everybody nodded. They were good with it, but James didn't look all that happy. I gave him a verbal poke

"You Ok with this Jim?"

He quickly put on his public happy face mask.

"Sure sure, it's a good thing to do, and it helps lots of people, so why not?"

"Andria?"

They all smiled and nodded, Andria gushed:

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jeffery. You don't know what this means to me."

"Your wrong about that, Andria, I do know what this means to you, in fact more than you realize. But we all agree that Andria, James, and I will donate a kidney." Nodding all around.

"OK, so here's the contract for you all to sign. There is a penalty clause on the next to last page which is my second condition, and Andria and James have to initial it and date it."

James got serious in a hurry;

"What the hell's this about a contract, we're all family here that's not called for, and I for one won't sign."

My replacement was grating on my nerves, the pompous prick.

"We're all a family here Jimmy, only like the interlocking Olympic rings, different families, my wife and are a family, and you, Andria and the children are a family, and the children, Andria and myself are a biological family, so the family bit is sort of muddled. The nice thing about contracts is everybody knows what they are agreeing to in advance

And the penalty clause. If for any reason either of you cannot or will not donate a kidney, Heather and I get custody of Karen, she takes my last name, and the custody figures which we all agreed were fair are reversed, we get her 85% of the time, you get her 15% of the time. Of course we'll ease into this, but if one of you reneges, she'll be registered in the spring for school in Chestertown.

Pandemonium! I had to raise my voice.

"People, people, people, if you all go through with the deal, you get what you all agreed wasexactly what you all felt was fair. Only if one of you welches, do I get custody of just one, just one mind you, just one of my four children. Let's not be greedy here."

Andria spoke up. "We'll take it! Karen lives! That is the big thing here, it's what we all want. It's win win." She grabbed a pen and signed. James balked:

"So Jeff, what happens if you don't go through with it? Andria and I donate kidneys, you do nothing and Karen dies."

I smiled, "Good thinking Jimmy. Of course I come out of surgery before you go in, but there might be a problem of some sort. Here's a letter from the Kidney Foundation that in return for two kidneys donated to the Foundation, they will put Karen at the head of the list. But you have my word I will go through with it. What more assurance can I give but my word?"

Andria was melting down. "Sign it James. For our daughter's sake."

James was hesitant, "I'm not sure she's..."

Andria jumped on him; "Shut up! There's no good way to finish that thought! Sign the goddamn thing!"

A week later, Andria went 'under the knife,' and as soon as the surgeon took a piss and changed his scrubs, they cut into me. After I came out of the anesthetic in the ICU, they moved me to a private hospital room. Heather had been with me in the ICU, but as soon as I was settled in the private room, she and Macy came in talking with each other I got an update on Andria, and Heather telling me the doctor said I was fine. Macy looked me in the eye and told me she regretted how James and Andria had tried to demonize me,

"Dad, it was, like some kind of almost cult thinking. Like a sacrifice we needed to make for the future. I mean it's stupid on the face of it now, but we were kids, and James and Mom, like were...they were all on a different planet." She started crying.

"I'd hold you in my arms and hug you, but I'm not up to it at the moment."

Heather was right there, "I can hug you Macy. I forgive you and your dad as well, come on, you were a kid then and you did what you could, but in the future, Jeffery and I want you to be an integral part of our life."

My son Mike came in the door at that point.

"Good, you're awake. I'm goin'a donate a kidney too. I signed up for it while you were under. James bailed; by the way, he's postponed it into the indefinite future, but it'll never happen."

"Gee Mike, I don't know as that's such a good idea. You've got your whole life ahead of you. I don't know. You don't have to you know, the deal is done, you kidney doesn't let Jimmie off of the hook."

"That had nothing to do with it; Karen gets to live with you guys, that's all to the good, I think Karen will be better off. I just gave my word. I said I'd do it. I mean if my mother and my father could do it...and it is a good thing to do, you know? I've been watching Karen suffer, and as I understand it they may be able to split my kidney and help two people. You had Ja...Jimmy figured out, didn't you Dad, you knew he wouldn't go through with it, and he absolutely hates to be called Jimmy. We'd get grounded for two weeks calling him that."

Heather was looking at me as it dawned on her how I engineered this thing. I figured he wouldn't give anybody a pound of flesh, but I didn't want to admit it, but better yet, he would be the goat for Andria losing her daughter.

"I really don't know Jimbo at all, never laid eyes on him until a week ago. He does seem like a bit of a stuffed shirt."

"He's not one of us is he Dad."

"You tell me. He may be nothing to me, but I rather think he loves you two."

That week began the rest of my life. At first when we had Karen for the weekends, one of her brothers or her sister would bring her down, and often enough the two of them would stay the day, returning in late evening, and the wife or I would take her home Sunday. Pretty soon we had them, Karen and whoever drove her down for the whole weekend. When that all went well, we went to Thursday night to Sunday night.

Often enough I had my friend's boat so we sailed and fished and swam all summer. We took Karen and her sister on vacation seeing the sights of Washington DC, and then took the boys on the same tour. We extended the trips an extra day because we couldn't get the kids out of the Smithsonian. At the end of summer, Andria came down with Karen. The two of us chatted. She was more relaxed and happy than I could ever remember. Heather gave us some time together.

"Jeffery, you know James and I aren't getting along well, don't you."