My Fall and Rise Ch. 12

I was out of coke, almost out of food, and wanted nothing more than to talk to my mother. She was probably wondering if I was dead or alive. The next morning, I turned the power and water back off, left four fifty dollar bills on the dining room table, and drove to the county seat.

I pulled to the side of the street a few blocks from the Sheriff's office and called my mother. Before the phone could ring a second time, she answered.

"Please, baby, is that you?"

"It's me, Mama."

"Are you alright, baby? Where are you?"

"I'm about to go into the sheriff's, Mama. I'm okay."

"I'll be right there."

"No, please don't come. Not right now." I started to cry. "I don't want you to see me there. I couldn't stand it. Mama, I'm so sorry."

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. They are going to arrest me, Mama. I'll tell them I want a lawyer, and we will just go from there, I guess."

"Melissa, I don't know what happened, but I love you, no matter what."

"I know, Mama. I love you too."

I drove the rest of the way to the Sheriff's office and went inside.

My mother managed to raise my bail, but no one put up any money for Nicky. The next time I saw him, the last time I saw him, was when I was taken from prison to the courthouse to testify in his trial. I was on the stand when he decided to change his plea. I convinced myself that he had done so to spare me the pain of describing what had happened. I was still clinging to the last remaining bonds of our love. It seemed the one redeeming thing in the whole ugly mess.

Two weeks after Nicky's trial, I was told to report to administration. Sarah, my attorney, was waiting for me in the consultation room. I was surprised to see her. I didn't think we had any more business between us.

She greeted me with less warmth than usual. I could see that she was very troubled.

I sat down across the table from her. It was a long moment before she spoke.

"Nick has made his allocution to the court, Melissa. And there is something you need to know."

I felt sick to my stomach. Had he told them something that would result in more charges being filed against me? I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "What did he say?"

"I have it here, do you want to read it?"

"No, just tell me."

She sighed. "I'll read you the important part, okay?"

I nodded and she read Nicky's words.

"Nate said that we owed him more, because now we hadn't sold anything for two weeks. And I said that we didn't have it, and he said that we better get it, and I said, what about if we do something else, and he said, like what, and I said, what about the pussy discount?"

I gasped, and had a hard time catching my breath.

"You need to hear this, Melissa."

She continued reading. "He asked me if Melissa would go along with that, and I said probably not, and he said that would make it even better. He said we needed to take a punishment for fucking with him, and that her punishment would be to get raped, and mine would be to have to watch it happen."

I was sobbing, but she insisted I hear it all.

"So I brought him back to the cabin, and I gave him his money, but then, when he hit her, I started to freak out. I was hoping she would just let him do it, but she was fighting him, and she was screaming. I couldn't stand to watch him hurt her. That wasn't the deal. That's why I shot him."

I fought back nausea. "That wasn't the deal." The phrase kept repeating in my head. It kept repeating for a long, long time. It still comes to me now and then, usually in the dark of night.

Our real punishment takes place inside our own heads.