All Comments on 'My Pants Please'

it was real cute. Electric toothbrushes don't work that way. ;->>. I loved your freshness and originality and am looking forward to your next piece. .

I really enjoyed this!

You write very well.

Your vivid words made me feel like I was there!

And there's proof---

Keep up the wonderful work!

It was very good, but I was annoyed by the constant jumping between the present tense and the past tense in your use of verbs.

You need to decide whether you are writing in the past tense (e.g., "leaked", "pumped") or the present tense ("meet", "slides", "sighs").

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Watch out for your use of the perfect gerund "having been" in your sentence "Cathy found the idea of sex outside of her own bed thrilling, but she'd never considered having been thrust against a wall!"

'The perfect gerund “having been” denotes a state or condition that no longer subsists at the time of speaking' -- http://josecarilloforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=1678.0

She is engaged in being trust against the wall at the time of speaking, so the action does subsist. For her to "consider having been" something would require a reflection upon a potential past. For example, if she was contemplating being a prostitute, and she was contemplating the period after being a prostitute, then the fact that she had been a prostitute would affect the rest of her life and it would be unusual but grammatically proper for her to consider what life would be like after "having been" a prostitute.

To "consider having been" is to consider the complications of a hypothetical past. But clearly in context, what Cathy had not contemplated was what it would be like to be actively engaged in being thrust against the wall. She had not "considered being". Rather than "considered having been".

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"John takes a long deep breathe" -- no! "breathe" is a verb, "breath" is the noun. John took a long "breath".

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It seems strange that Cathy would deliberately provoke John's climax, and then immediately leave the scene uncertain about what to do then. She is clearly not naive or a virgin (you mentioned her last date prior and implied it was sex filled), so she would need a reason to immediately move away from John. If, for example, John looked exhausted.

With the wording about "peeking over her shoulder for any sign of John", I became convinced that there had been an implicit time jump and that somehow we were now in a future in which she was in John's apartment possibly without John, and is moving while "looking for any sign of John". Rather than, for example, looking for signs of John awakening from exhaustion of the climax.

If, though, it is immediately after and she is being so watchful for signs of John, why does she lose that caution so quickly once she reaches the bathroom?

When does she turn on the electric toothbrush?

Need to work on grammar, but excellent story!

You need to get someone to help you with your grammar and spelling. I liked the content of the story, but I couldn't make it past the first few paragraphs because the errors were so blatant and numerous that I couldn't ignore them any longer.

Oh oh oh. If I were semiliterate and didn't know grammar and spelling, I'm sure I'd have been able to complete the story. But--

The past of lead is led, not lead.

There are so many other egregious errors I had to stop.

dawn_of_night,

It is a fairly good first story. The general premise was interesting. I do agree with the grammar and spelling issues that were so strongly pointed out to you. However, I don't think you should let that stop you from continuing to write if that is an interest of yours.

You will find that the freedom of "anonymity" gives some people the idea that being negative or overly critical is acceptable. It is not. Also, you will find that some people will criticize your writing on many levels, but yet they have no stories posted

when you go to their home page.

You were brave and posted your story, congratulations on doing so. That was the first step. Now follow through and continue to improve your writing.

Take the criticism for what it is and move forward with your writing. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Try to have someone proof read your story and run it through spell and grammar check. It won't pick up every error, but it will limit them.

I would Private Message the person named "SLeM" who had such wonderful insight into grammar and spelling and kindly ask him/her if he would like to be your editor. It can't hurt and by the sounds of it, he/she is an expert and would be able to help you.

Good Luck with your writing and don't be discouraged by others!