All Comments on 'Neutral Green Ch. 02'

Looking forward to the 3rd chapter :-)

It a great story so far but in the first chapter he had feelings for her why is he fighting them now

Great story....keep going please...

I'll be frank here, if it weren't for that last scene at the register I might have been lot less satisfied with this chapter. But now I'm at least content with the knowledge that his heart is in the right place and Avery really does rock his world when even only near him. The clerk girl might be sweet but no-one will give him the same rush as Avery did :)

Still, what were you trying to achieve with all that indecisiveness of the protagonist? In ch. 1 he was a bit stunned but little against, now however he's almost all against despite having a heart attack each time she touches him? I know some ideas need time to take root, like Avery told him of her feelings, but his change of heart is concerning to say the least. Try to be consistent with such things or you'll cause major confusion.

You still have a few grammatical mistakes here and there though a lot has improved since 1st chapter. You also death with the problem of his stature and playing position so kudos for that and listening to the fan base remarks.

As a whole this was yet another superb submission and a great continuation of nice story. I really like when the female takes the charge and spills her emotional guts and then leaves the macho man to solve his own thoughts and feelings. In case of Avery this works especially got as she seems to be a person of few words yet doesn't scare of action when the circumstances demand them - that register scene proves just that. The only major fear I have is that the Mason will take too long and alienate his sister again or he'll try and justify at length how wrong this is, don't outstretch it by trying to make it look too real as some things are far but not unobtainable.

Despite the remarks (probably) sounding a lot sterner than they really are I give you 5* and commend on the progress you've shown as well as a story really well written, once more.

Hope to read ch. 3 soon and keep the happy writing!

I love this story, but find it hard to read at times. Run the spell checker, or at least go back over what you've written. Too many skipped words, spelling errors, etc.FB7F

It is indeed a nice try, but you desperately need to contact one of the free editors here on lit.. I have worked with quite a few 'newbies' and I know several of the other editors that would enjoy working with you. You need to read every word you write BEFORE you submit. Let me know if I can help.

great story waiting for next update.......

C'mon dude waiting for the next chapter.

Post it fast.

The story is really good as was the first one. The writing is some better but you still need to get a proofreader. The previous commenter is correct. You need to go over every word. Then read it out loud and see if what you are saying makes sense (not since). Get someone to proofread it for grammar, punctuation, and continuity before posting. The one's listed here are really good and happy to do it. As a benefit, you know, they get to read the story before it is even submitted. So they are happy. The last scene at Kohl's is another stroke of genius as a 'cliff-hanger' into the next chapter. Don't use 'Spell-Check'. If you want to become a better writer, that is. Using one will make you get lazy as far as paying attention to what you are writing. If the discovery of fire was man's first friend, then developing Language was his second. Don't dilute it. Use it well, as it always makes the story better the better it is told.

So how is it incestous if they're step siblings?