All Comments on 'Neutral Green Ch. 03'

....please don't vanish - leaving us hanging here !!

So far - so good.

They finally fond them self on the same page, well at least for now and with her receiving the better part of the deal.

I was at first quite angry with him as he definitely had feeling for her but tried to burry them under reason and "what's the best, but not right". Thankfully her determination and tears shook him out of his revery and he admitted that this is something they both want should obviously do. He might be big but his little sister is the exact thing he needs and she knows it way better than him. Now those lucid dreams are a whole other bear to tackle, just what do they represent (guilt?) and why does he have them and how come they ended up so abruptly? The only thing I fear is that he'll wake up and try to approach the situation with his usual "reason" and somehow fuck it all up.

I did laugh however when that lady in the parking already recognised that he's in a world of trouble from his "girlfriend".

There are still a few small grammatical errors here and there, like some commas, some weird wording, but the overall shape and conveyance of the story has improved immensely.

5* as usual and squirming already for the next instalment.

was good, but what the hell is the 2nd page about?

In the first two chapters my favorite aspect of Avery is that she barely said or showed anything and relied upon her brother to see and analyze her feelings. It was unique among the other stories' characters in which they would be loud and purely blatent. In this chapter she turned into a chatterbox by comparison. I could see a few times in which a simple squeak, moan, hand gesture, or look could have replaced a line. I understand if you are going for the idea that with her brother she is finally opening herself up, I just want her to at least keep a small part of that neutral quiet aspect to her personality. Still liked the chapter though.

Get a proof reader please!!!

I think you are trying too hard, or not hard enough. Can't tell which. Instead of going through the process of him discovering things for himself and with her waiting for him to and giving him small one word hints along the way, you are turning Avery into a talker. This is not the person you introduced us to. Also, about the only thing your dream sequences are doing is to extend the length of the story. If you are going to have your main character to dream, make it obviously relevant to the story and not too long. Still need more proofreading work. Gets a little mixed up in a couple of places. Continuity.

The question was “did my confession mean the slightest bit of difference to you?” The answer- “No I didn’t.”

He didn’t what?

That makes no sense at all.