All Comments on 'Neutral Green'

Your grammar really needs work. But off to a grew start for first time writing 5 stars look forward to the next chapter

Did the author actually re-read his/her writing before submission? It was a laugh a minute all the way. In one sentence, the plane was descending so he grabbed his bag, hired a car and took off. Then anonymous praises him for his "grew start". Some critics don't even read what they have written.

I honestly thought when you submit it, it says it has to be edited so I thought it was going to fix those problems for me guys. I'll try better in the future about my grammar, it has always been bad, I think faster than I type but thats still not an excuse.

Congratulations on your first submission to LE!

And what a first piece of work it is. The build up was really nice, the "action" didn't take centre stage which is very good for establishing a solid base for a story, the display of affection was kept to a minimum and hooks you right up, the characters might need a bit more flashing but are solid already, the setting is romantic and I hope you use it up as much as possible and if the sibling relationship is going where is think (and hope) is going then you have a story of remarkable potential on you hands.

Do not worry about the grammar mistakes, it's nothing some help from a voluntary editor can't cure, though some self critique and going through it several times before posting doesn't hurt either. Just so you know, the mandatory site editors do not concern with grammar but rather the content so it applies to the site rules. That being said there are some thing you might consider - invest in some comas when describing people or relaying lengthy information, check spelling here and there, check adjectives as yo were missing a few, do expand information when describing situations (like the anon pointed out at the airport) and you'll be god.

I gave you 5* rating both for boosting confidence and for enjoying the story so far.

Please do consider the critique and continue with the story, but foremost have fun writing!

Great first story. Will be waiting for more from you

PB

Hey I got idea Why don't you post something and we can criticize you See how you like it at least He post something and it was good what do you got jack shit that right shut up

A 6' 5" and nearly 300 lbs. quarterback? You need to make your characters more realistic. That is a better description for a lineman. Check the stats for college football players before you describe a character with unreasonable attributes.

Awesome story keep it up.

There are these things, called "commas" and "periods" and "question marks", just to name a few, that let you PUNCTUATE what you're writing, so people will know when a sentence (or part of a sentence) ends, and the next one begins. Your comment is almost indecipherable: It's just one long run-on sentence. If you want to be taken seriously, when criticizing critics, at least do it in a literate manner.

don't stop now...

Sorry I've seen other stories with football players and their height and weight being like that, just thought it was kinda the average or something. But I may change his position on the team if that help in the realisticness of the story.

Keep up the comments guys the really do help me write what makes sense and chapter 2 is currently in the works.

-SL

Get an editor.

The story really does need work, but I look forward to the next chapter to see progress, both in your writing, and in the story.

Congratulations on your first attempt at a story.

Also, I don't think people argue enough. Well done to the rest of you who are doing your best to get under the skin of the others. :P

He is more the size of a defensive lineman or tight end. Other than that I loved the story so far.

Don't let the critics get under your skin. You did a great job on this. Can't wait to read the next installment :-)

Loved your first story. Yes, you do need some help with basic English structure and punctuation, but your approach is genuine and fresh, with an exciting blend of innocence and youthful lust. Keep it up (so to speak).

.....just polishing up your usage, spelling ,grammar, basic sentence structure in those places it falls short, you will have a real intriguing story.

I for one, will gladly wait awhile longer for you to review, rewrite an generally clean up your work from mid-effort draft to finely tuned publication-ready tome.

Good luck....you've made a pretty good start on what I think will be an excellent story.

You have a good story here, just keep going and clean up your

spelling....

For those of you that still support this story I am still going to continue it, but It may take longer because I wasn't expecting the first part to be only a page and not even a half. What is it, like 7 pages in word equals this much? I thought I was writing to much, guess not. Hope your lives are smooth.

-SL

I was reading, and I really liked this story. The bare description on Avery made my mind race. The green eyes and the mysterious behavior made me intrigued. Saying this, I would like to know if you need an editor/proofreader. I am enjoying this so much that I am considering making an account to help you. I have a bit of time on my hands, and I would love to make this series the best on Literotica.

Don't worry about the length, there are plenty of series where a chapter has only 2 or fewer pages. As long as you keep the content this solid everything shall be just fine.

I was going to comment on the size at QB, but see it's been done twice already. Maybe it's just things ARE bigger in Texas. ;-)

I can tell you're not much of a chef. Had to laugh when he looked in the pot, saw "manicotti-shaped noodles" and mom tells him they're having Chicken Fettuccini and had him get out the "fettucini sauce". Manicotti is a tube-shaped pasta usually filled with a ricotta cheese mixture and served with a tomato-based sauce. Fettucini is a flat noodle-like pasta, usually served in a sauce, but there is no such thing as "fettucini sauce". I think what you were going for is Chicken Alfredo: chopped chicken, served over fettucini pasta/noodles, with an Alfredo (cheese) sauce. The fettucini should have been in the pot, and he should have gotten the Alfredo sauce out of the fridge.

One thing you might consider doing, until you can line up an editor, is to read your story aloud to yourself. That way, a lot of the errors in wording will become evident, so you can catch and correct them, yourself.

Still, not a bad start story-wise. You let it a bit of a mystery how Avery suddenly became a member of the family. Maybe that can be addressed in a future chapter.

One last thing, it is a bit of a stretch that he'd be away at college for four years straight without ever visiting home, even for Christmas. And you made it sound like he has to go back again. If he was on the team for four years already, his college eligibility is used up, so if he has to continue on the 5-year plan to get his degree, he'd no longer be able to play collegiate-level football unless he red-shirted a year.

Spell check got cha.

Great story, all in all.

I too wanted to comment on the QB thing. At his biggest, Arnold Swartzenegger was 6' 2" 250. Shaq was 7' 1" 325. 'Nough said.

The other thing that bothered me was Ray Lewis. Why mention a signed ball by this asshole. Why not go with an autographed orange jumpsuit.

Sorry. Could use some editing but good story. And shame on him for not see his mom for 4 years.big gotta go call mom now.

It was incredible to read until the last part and seemed too sudden in the end. The jerk off seemed to be all of a sudden to me.

So it is not incest.

What part of "Taboo" don't you get?

Edit, edit, edit. Great story but needs some work. You know, first off you didn't even tell us how old you and Avery were. Just that you were close to the same age. You really need to work on your grammar and punctuation. Commas are where they shouldn't be and aren't where they should be. Word usage too. Don't mistake words like 'since' and 'sense', 'through and 'threw'. These are things I see flubbed up a little here. Mason and Avery are great, but Avery could use a little explaining. Why did they adopt her? Is she so serious and kind of introverted because she had a traumatic experience in her first home?. I write these things not to be picky, but because you did ask for constructive criticism. Also, some of Avery's history could add a little to the drama of the character and pull at the reader's heartstrings a little more. The grammar, composition, and punctuation mistakes are distracting to a reader of an otherwise excellent story. I think ending this chapter with Mason blowing his load, yelling Avery's name, and then wondering if he's been busted is a great way to leave a 'cliff-hanger' to lead into the next chapter. There are people here on Literotica who do proofreading for free. It isn't a problem to find one. A word of advise. Do not use a 'Spell-Check' program. They are misleading. They can tell you if a word is spelled correctly, but not if you have used the right word. There are words like 'too, two, and to' and 'there, they're, and their', 'here and hear'. And mixing these up is pretty easy to do when you've got the story going hot in your head and you are trying to put it down quickly while it is there. Looking foreword the next chapter. By the way, for past commenters. By law (if not by blood) step-siblings having sex in any form is incest punishable by jail time. Of course, that's usually nothing compared to the venom the rest of the family spills out at the guilty pair. Still, incest isn't so uncommon as prudish Christian or Muslim America would have us believe.

I've flitted through the other comments and I'm sure you're aware that there are errors in your work. So I'll limit my feedback a little to say that I like the story so far although the fact that he went from Skyping someone twice a day and was then reduced to zero contact for 3 years is a little bit unreasonable. No visits home for the holidays, phone calls, emails, postcards or anything?

The flow of your story was ruined by the errors throughout with some sentences barely making sense. If you'd had your work checked before publishing then it would have made the story that much more enjoyable.

If he and Avery were close in age when she was adopted, then why wasn't she in college as well?