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Click here"You just jacked off to an image of your sister you perverted. Sick. Fuck!" I was furious at myself at the taboo act I just committed "And you yelled your Avery's name out." A sense of panic came to me as I wondered if she heard the dirty deed I just committed. I listened to the door to see if there was anyone present. It was silent. I reached over to my nightstand rubbed my knob off and hands threw them away and pulled my shorts up. I opened the door and there standing was Avery.
"Mom said to come get you dinner is done." If she heard anything that just went on she didn't give any indication to besides the ghost of a curl at the edges of her lips that I needed a close-up to make sure. She turned around and headed downstairs with me a minute behind her.
- COMMENTS
vanye12 months agoIf he and Avery were close in age when she was adopted, then why wasn't she in college as well?
WretchedMonkeyabout 6 years agoI've flitted through the other comments and I'm sure you're aware that there are errors in your work. So I'll limit my feedback a little to say that I like the story so far although the fact that he went from Skyping someone twice a day and was then reduced to zero contact for 3 years is a little bit unreasonable. No visits home for the holidays, phone calls, emails, postcards or anything?
The flow of your story was ruined by the errors throughout with some sentences barely making sense. If you'd had your work checked before publishing then it would have made the story that much more enjoyable.
Anonymousabout 8 years agoEdit, edit, edit. Great story but needs some work. You know, first off you didn't even tell us how old you and Avery were. Just that you were close to the same age. You really need to work on your grammar and punctuation. Commas are where they shouldn't be and aren't where they should be. Word usage too. Don't mistake words like 'since' and 'sense', 'through and 'threw'. These are things I see flubbed up a little here. Mason and Avery are great, but Avery could use a little explaining. Why did they adopt her? Is she so serious and kind of introverted because she had a traumatic experience in her first home?. I write these things not to be picky, but because you did ask for constructive criticism. Also, some of Avery's history could add a little to the drama of the character and pull at the reader's heartstrings a little more. The grammar, composition, and punctuation mistakes are distracting to a reader of an otherwise excellent story. I think ending this chapter with Mason blowing his load, yelling Avery's name, and then wondering if he's been busted is a great way to leave a 'cliff-hanger' to lead into the next chapter. There are people here on Literotica who do proofreading for free. It isn't a problem to find one. A word of advise. Do not use a 'Spell-Check' program. They are misleading. They can tell you if a word is spelled correctly, but not if you have used the right word. There are words like 'too, two, and to' and 'there, they're, and their', 'here and hear'. And mixing these up is pretty easy to do when you've got the story going hot in your head and you are trying to put it down quickly while it is there. Looking foreword the next chapter. By the way, for past commenters. By law (if not by blood) step-siblings having sex in any form is incest punishable by jail time. Of course, that's usually nothing compared to the venom the rest of the family spills out at the guilty pair. Still, incest isn't so uncommon as prudish Christian or Muslim America would have us believe.
