All Comments on 'New Life for New Wife'

I don't know who might have been offended by what, since the story itself is somewhat of a common fantasy. That being said, the dialogue is completely unnatural. Nobody speaks like the characters in this story. My recommendation if you're going to re-edit the story or continue it is to say, out loud, as you write, the dialogue you want your characters to say. Sure, the sex talk, with the "daddy" and "mommy" references can be silly. People say silly things during sex, but the seduction? Try to have the characters speak in a way that sounds natural.

I have no disagreement with the previous reader’s comments about the dialog in this specific story. All of your points are valid.

In general, people don't act this way at all in real life. My intentions were to write a short story and move to the action quickly, yet still produce a reaction. Being a short story with the intent to get a rise, I had to cut the meat out in regards to character development. This story is way different than the character dialog used in my longer story, 'To Service is Divine' which is approximately 56 pages in length with a complex plot.

Overall, Kitty's dialog was intentionality written in that form to show her manipulation of the woman. I grant you, her dialog is over the top, but it was done with purpose.

Where I failed was with the dialog with Lisa. I agree she sounds too stupid to open a pickle jar. I seem to have flawed in regards to this; moreover, I failed to convey the intent of the story. It was difficult to convey intelligence and also produce dialog that showed the impact of her disjointed thinking without making her sound like a bimbo. I'm still learning techniques in regards to this and learning as I go.

Overall, the story was an attempt to learn something and improve upon it. It was meant as a quickie. By submitting it, I was testing my capability of writing a short story without getting involved in a complex plot.

In order for me to stay motivated enough to continue writing, I have to tell myself that perhaps the problem isn't the story itself, but the possibility that I wrote it too well and there's an implied expectation that it be more fleshed out vs a quickie or a squeezer.

Anyway, it is what it is. Hopefully, I've learn from this experience.

Your comments were well received and greatly appreciated.

Rusty Zipper

Pish posh, boo hoo, somebody did not like your story. No big deal, no writer has ever written that can satisfy everybody, i find shakespere bornig, but the cilffnotes of it higly addictive.

i highly disagree on the nature of the content in my personal view, but the way it was was drafted was very engaging, same was with the to serve is divine stories, in fact there was a movie i saw this year with a similar concept "i lived",

you said somewhere that your intent is to refine you ability to write, as you were led here by others, what i feel is may be you dont realise that in the digital domain roles get reversed, smart are often naive, the ability to be hidden reveal the darkness that lurks in all men.

some people will demoralize your effort, some will praise it, never let it get to you both are forms are destructive to your talent, never write for the reader write what you love, how you love,

the story as i see it was no doubt short yet perfect as was the dialogue, i guess people never accounted for lisa being drugged.

its not your fault, Nowadays readers specially myself have very short attention spans, chimps may have higher patience these days, so in future rather than being vague, the use of specific names act as shiny object to our attention, that helps us stay riveted.

i would also make a request to deal atleast once with a story based on real life incidents, what i mean to say is , when a story/news breaks, what we see/here is just the tip of the ice berg, even after years only 1/8 of the iceberg may be visible. there are may aspects of a story that lay hidden from our view, 360 degrees view at the point of interest is possible in photography/stories, not in real life.

opinions are like assholes, and i too have one, so dont take any to heart, there are so many good writers, who started great here, but some left us with stories never to be completed, may be because real life did not permit them, or because they felt dejected after the reading the reviews of their efforts, & slowly petered out.

Yes, your stories are free, but free on the internet is a concept which lead to the creation of open source, do people abuse open source, Hell yes! what percentange of open source users contribute to the development, i do not know, but i believe the num is not justifiable.

people here under the blanket of anonymous will post all sort of vile filth, i used to do it too, till i got banned, now i consider myself reformed, under a new id (change the 3 to 2 to see who i was), so dont worry about a fool makin foolish comments, just write, i too am tryin but i terribly lack the courage.

this site has opened a world view that is raw, unbiased, pure yet deceptive, cruel & enlightening, highly intriguing, the words come short to what i have been exposed to here, only time can tell whether it was good thing i learnt about the world?

naw i dont have any complaints, but it makes me see my fellow man in a new light, i realise that all the acts of kindness & cruelty being perpetrated in this world are also capable by me, which do i do?, only time can tell.

ohh l love the way you write.. thank you so much for all your hard work and energy cant wait for what's to come.. brilliant

Love this story! I found myself wanting to be in the new wife's position receiving the injection offered by Jimmy.

More of the same, is there no originality anymore?

It's been a while since anyone commented on this story, so I appreciate the input.

The story's an experimental smut piece so it's probably similar to every other story.

Anonymous, did you have another expectation?

Anyway, it's one of my earlier works so I admit it could use some improvement.

The story is what it is and I'm satisfied with it.

Rusty Zipper

This was a fun read, well done!