New Year's Eve

"When you told me you were pregnant, we were 28 years old. A 28 year old couple should be having an active and fulfilling love life together. When you told me you were pregnant I actually had to count the months because I couldn't recall making love to you in the past 6 months. I guess I surmised that we had done it one time. I was concerned that you had cheated on me because I couldn't get the math right to prove to myself that I'd actually gotten you pregnant."

"Oh Joel, you know I'd never have..."

"I know. Well maybe I don't know. Let me finish. The point I'm trying to make here is that for the majority of our marriage I've been living in a sexless one. Maybe once a month on the good years. Maybe a few times a year on the bad ones."

"Heidi, do you have any idea how much I masturbate?"

"What?" Everyone's face was that of embarrassment at the question.

"Oh come on, we all do it so don't act so proper about it all. I do it probably at least once a day. Some months it's twice a day."

There were some smirks from around the tub. Mostly from Matt whom I was sure was thinking ' way to go bud '.

"Do you know why I have to do that so much? Because we don't make love enough for me. We've fought about this for years but I want you to know...what's going on inside of me. If I'm having to masturbate that much each month, and you and I only have sex...or make love, whatever you want to call it...what's going on the rest of the time between us?"

"Dear I..." Heidi was looking uncomfortable now.

Well good.

It's about time we talked about this because I was hurting and I'd just watch my wife cheat on me in front of my eyes. I know it wasn't as serious as all of that but I was deeply wounded at that moment.

"The rest of the time you're rejecting me. You realize that don't you?"

"I didn't." she said.

"Realize...I mean." she added.

"It's humiliating you know...being turned down by the one person that promised to love you forever." I whispered.

"I can't remember but once in the last decade where you asked me or attempted to be intimate with me first. In fact, when we do finally make love it takes 15 minutes of me stimulating you before you even respond other than just laying there. It's like you're waiting for it to be over with and I'm...I"m...raping you or something. We've got serious problems..."

Her face was that of shock and shame at this point. I didn't want to push it too much as I know this wasn't making her feel good. I'd probably gone a bit too far with that last statement but it was just pouring out of me at this point. It wasn't my intention to hurt her tonight.

"What problems?" she asked quietly. Her eyes were looking off someplace else in the shadows.

"You don't touch me. You lie there and do nothing. There is nothing reciprocated to me. I touch you, massage you, hold you, kiss you. I give you oral sex which you seem to like, I do all sorts of things to try and excite you. There is just very little if anything at all coming back my way. I can't remember...yes I can, it was college, the last time you gave me a blow job where I didn't have to put it in your mouth to ask you for one."

There were tears in her eyes at this point forming. I needed to tread lightly in case I say something that will take us too far to come back from. I clearly wasn't going to take my own advice though.

"Do you know how degrading it is to have to ask your wife for oral sex? Only to be given a sigh or some sign that it really isn't what she wants to be doing?"

"I can guess."

"No I don't think you can. I've heard things from you that I thought I'd never hear in my life. Things I never deserved to be told. Things no man should ever hear from his wife that hurt badly. I've been told my touch makes you cringe, that the thought of me touching you repulses you. I'm surprised that you didn't make fun of my size! Once we were in the shower and you told me that you didn't think you got out of sex what I got out of sex with me. That it just didn't do 'it' for you. For me it was some big spiritual bonding, and for you...it was an annoyance. I know you didn't mean it that way but you'd just told me sex with me didn't do anything for you. I mean stuff like that is devastating to a person. I have to believe that at some point in our lives you were attracted to me?"

"Once in our couples therapy with the counsellor you even made me out to be some kind of pervert that wanted sex all of the time. The counsellor challenged you on the issue by asking you if you 'really' thought that it wasn't normal for a husband to want to make love to his wife."

"Did you know that when we were in Hawaii that one night we were making love and I was licking you...? You fell asleep. Dead away you fell asleep while I was kissing you. I mean for God's sake I may be boring but I can't have been that bad was I?"

"No sweetie, it's just..."

"Well after that I got up and left the condo and walked around for an hour or so in the night air. I actually threw up because my insides were so upset at what happened."

"Oh Joel."

"Do you remember what my one fantasy was with you on that trip?"

"No, I don't."

"It was to make love to you on the beach. I asked over and over and you never remembered or you made excuses to not have to do it."

"Heidi, I know it's not always been easy living with me. I know there's more to a marriage than sex. I realize that. But I've been in pain for years. You need to know that. I mean you tell me repeatedly you're tired or give some other excuse...I just don't believe that you've been tired for 23 years."

"So I go to a dark place sometimes. It's hard not feel hurt, humiliated, inadequate, unattractive...you name it...when your wife so consistently rejects you." I was stating this to everyone matter of factly. I was trying to be hurtful but I knew it was hurting Heidi.

Heidi at this point was tearing up and I could tell she was fighting her emotions.

"I'm sorry everyone." I said, "I didn't mean to bring the evening down."

"It's OK Joel. You know that we all love you." Sally reminded me.

This time Heidi spoke, "Joel. You've said some things that have hurt quite a bit. I know not intentionally but it has. I want to say how sorry I'm at for making you feel this way all of these years. I'll keep talking about this with you for some time on our own but I wanted to ask you why this is related to what happened earlier here tonight?"

"Well...alright...this is going to hurt more. Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes. If they are OK then I am."

"We're OK." responded Matt and Sally cautiously.

"Well, if I believed that my virginity was this special gift I was giving to you...what do you think it felt like when that gift was tossed aside like it didn't matter or wasn't wanted?"

"In our marriage the consistent message I've been receiving is that I'm unattractive, that my romance is unwelcome, that I'm not someone you want touching you, or that I'm not someone you enjoy making love with. So when I gave you this precious gift and you started to act like it was a repulsive thing to you... I mean, you don't kiss me on the lips...you don't look me in the eyes..." I sighed.

"I know I'm painting a pretty dark picture. I'm not intending to and it's not always like that. It's just that when I was sitting here and I saw you move over to Matt...I watched my wife have lust in her eyes for someone else when I'd give anything for you to feel that way about me. Without even checking if I was OK, or even a word or a glance to me you got up and started making out and grinding on him. I mean you don't kiss me or touch me like that and I have to sit and watch it happen in front of my face?"

"Oh God I'm sorry..."

"You had your hand around his cock, your tongue in his mouth, and you were grinding your pussy against him if not already having sex."

"But we didn't...!"

"Not yet. But you were about to." I said.

She didn't respond. Her eyes and expression right then told me what I had suspected.

"So I'm jealous. I sitting and watching what in essence is my wife cheating on me in front of my eyes...because I didn't give you my consent mind you...no more than 2 feet away and not once did you even consider me. Like you haven't considered me for the majority of our marriage and it hurts like hell. I never thought I'd react like this so I apologize for what it is worth. It is just too painful to see everything I'm missing from you play out in front of me with another man taking my place."

I was crying at this point. If I didn't feel like a wimp before with a wife barely standing intimacy with me I felt like one now for letting everyone see my failings.

So much pain for so many years under the surface. So much rejection. I suppose it was bound to come out sometime.

"Watching you want to go fuck someone with such wanton abandon was just more that I wanted to experience this New Years Eve..."

"I wouldn't be jealous or insecure Heidi if I felt loved and safe with you. I guess what I am saying is that I don't."

"I'm sorry everyone for ruining the evening. I'll just go inside." After saying what I had to say I finally got up to leave.

"No please...both of you! We are going to leave you two alone. You both need to talk this out some more. We know you both love each other deeply and I know you'll get past this. Stay please, we're going inside."

With that Matt and Sally left the tub quietly to go inside.

Heidi and I sat there looking over everything but at not each other in the hot tub for quite some time. It was taking that much time to calm ourselves down.

It didn't happen automatically but we finally reached for each other hesitantly and held each other as if we were drowning in that tub.

I really did love her. If I hadn't I'd have left her long ago. I had just come to accept that this was how she was and that I'd live with it no matter how much pain it was causing me.

I never realized though that slowly it was killing me inside as a result.

Finally Heidi spoke, "Joel...I wanted to say how sorry I am for treating you like this. I've been a selfish bitch who only have been thinking about my needs, not yours. I mean I've been aware of this on and off through our marriage but I've been avoiding it. I guess I've been telling myself that you were the problem, or that I didn't have a problem so there was nothing to talk about."

"Tonight I was excited when Sally mentioned us sharing each other because I did find the idea of having sex with Matt exiting. I'm sorry I hurt you about that, so sorry. It wasn't intended to make you feel that he was a better mate than you or that I'd rather have him. You have to believe me." she said with pleading eyes.

"Joel, I think I've been feeling guilty for so long about all of this I just blocked it out and pretended it wasn't an issue. Part of me was relieved tonight with the thought you'd make love to Sally tonight. You did give me the most precious gift I've ever received and I feel ashamed that I've made you feel unwanted. I guess part of me wanted to give you to Sally so you could finally enjoy yourself and feel with her the passion I haven't been able to give you. You don't know how long I've felt like a failure about this with you."

"I suppose that could be one reason why I've avoided sex with you all these years."

"Joel, the reason I can't look at you in the eyes when we make love is because I feel you look at me with disappointment. And I just can't take feeling like I've let you down. Maybe I'm just disappointed in myself."

"What would I be disappointed in Heidi? I could never feel like that toward you."

"That you deserve better, someone better than me. I know I haven't been a loving wife to you in the way you need. I'll try to do better. I'm so sorry that I've made you feel this..."

Heidi collapsed under a heavy sigh and we held each other for quite a while in silence. The night sky was beautiful so we shared the moments looking up at the stars.

I held her soft face in my hands, looked her in the eyes and kissed her passionately as two people in love would do. I slipped my hand down to her pussy and began gently sliding it back and forth. She responded like she'd never done before.

She responded with lust.

And with passion. Something I've missed for quite some time.

"Hey." I said looking into her eyes.

She didn't look away.

"Hey back." She responded.

"What do you say we give those two a run for their money?"

We both smiled as I pushed inside of her and continued to pump each other well into the night.

It was going to be a very good new year.