All Comments on 'Nine-Forty'

This was really good because it sounded genuine

The straightforward honesty is so involving!

A good effort! I liked how it was a bit hesitant to start with, a bit all over the place, but settled into a lovely gentle session at the end.

Good details about school, it made the setting more realistic.

I liked how you stopped the story to talk to the reader. Don't bother with brackets, we'll work out what's narrative & what's comment. Maybe add another comment at the end?

Nice details like the fist pump and eyes open wide at the sensation. Describe it more! This is THE moment!

Check a few story details, eg. who took the condom off? And, you're watching Brynn at the end, as she cums - is she lying down?

Keep writing, it's worth it.

Not a bad start for the first time. Just curious as to no follow up with her. Most guys would have been all over her for more. Good read, looking forward to more stories from you.

From a story line perspective, good effort for the first time. However, it is very distracting to a reader to have to mentally correct your grammar and sentence structure. It ruins the flow of the moment and disrupts the fantasy. Proof read your work.

The way in which you went from story to talking to the reader grated. It's a story, we know, so write one. Find other ways to begin sentences other than with the word I. When you have finished writing put the story away and forget about it for a week then go back to it. Reread what you have written and read it out loud, this helps to see how it flows. If in doubt get someone else to read it and edit for you.

Thank you all who read/commented. I appreciate the tips.

@sensualwhispers yours was especially productive and the strategy of not thinking about a story for a few days before going back is one I've been implementing for future works.