Not. Clue. One.

At this point it had become rather obvious even to me, that I was typecast and never going to be offered a leading role or even as sexy-comedic sidekick.

***********

Ruthie Shoemaker, Goldstein's chief assistant and talent scout took me aside and was bluntly honest with me.

"Listen to me Lucy girl. You've got some talent and a willingness to follow directions. But! You're stuck as a B-film starlet and thats only good for another film or two... Then nobody will return your calls!"

It was painful to hear but I knew that every day there were a thousand fresh, new faces, with bigger tits, lining up to replace me.

"I'd guess you don't yet realize? Those parties Emilio's been taking you around too? He's advertising you to the porn industry. Get you drunk, get you hooked on some drugs and next thing you know, you'll be pulling trains in sleazy porn flicks."

I was absolutely bushwhacked! I couldn't believe that I had fallen into a pimp's trap. It came crashing down into me the reality of what a gullible airhead I'd been.

"What? Why would he do that to me? He told me he loved me!" I wailed.

Yeah, I was that cliché!

My middle-names were 'Naive' and 'Trusting'... Maybe it should have been 'Ignoramus'?

Ruthie handed me a pack of kleenex as I blubbered.

"Sweetie, in this business, it's always about the money. He sees your tits and pussy as His ticket to the big bucks."

Then Ruthie got down to the nitty-gritty.

"Mister Goldstein got a call from a friend of his high up in the Sheriff's Department. Tonight there going to be a big DEA police raid on a party in West Hollywood. My boss let me know to warn all our people, to stay the hell away from there.

And, I am warning you! The scandal would ruin any chance of you working legitimately."

I was stunned and blurted out "Emilio told me to gussy up for a party tonight to meet some producers."

The older and bitterly wiser woman snorted "Yeah right! Introduce you to drug producers Trading your ass for Maryjane's Downfall. "

"The lousy bastard told me that some friends of his will pick me up at eight and bring me to the party."

This time Ruthie grunted as her face scrunched up with furious thought.

"Huhmm... Hey, okay... That might work out for you? I'm thinking, you dear girl, have gotta get out of town before this blows up! Have you a car?"

I nodded yes " Emilio let me use his old woody today to do some grocery shopping and the cleaners and then to get my hair and nails done."

Ruthie looked pleased at that.

"I'm going to have one of my gofors follow you home in their car. Leave the ganev's car. Uhh, be sure to clean it out and wipe it for prints. Just in case that goombah has anything stashed in it.

I'll send Mickey or Vicky. They'll help you pack your trunks and bring you back here. By then I'll have for you a train ticket to Chicago and a hotel reservation. Be sure to stop by your bank and close out your account.

.I'm gonna phone my ex-husband in Chicago. Moe's a stage producer and lyricist. Right now he's putting together a musical, hopefully it will get to Broadway.

Moe owes me some favors and I'll sweet talk him into trying you out in the chorus and maybe understudy. With luck, you could have your Equity card by time the show gets to New York."

***********

My Step-Mother stopped there to get us both some ice-tea. Finally she huffed and puffed her disquiet at revealing so many memories, good and bad, before continuing.

"Well... uhmm... Moses Shoemaker was a great guy and treated me swell. Come to think of it, He wasn't your usual puffed-up stage hitler. Moe treated everybody he worked with like the gentleman he was.

We did get to Broadway. I did get a brief but complimentary mention in the reviews. That year, I did pretty well in a couple of shows that followed. Considering what little talent I have."

I protested that.

"No! Come on Mom, I've seen you on stage and worked with you. You really shine in our productions."

She shook her head and waved my compliments away.

"You're a sweet boy Luke. It's true, that in this local crowd I come off looking good. But you have not worked with professional talents. Honestly, I'm just a pale imitation of real stage stars. That's okay sweetie, I'm comfortable with what I have accomplished. I am happy in this small pond."

I grumbled at that. Last year, a couple of classmates commented insults about My Lucy. I got a blackeye and a busted knuckle out of it but they got worse. Learning them to keep their fucking mouths shut around me!

Before she could resume, that reminded me to ask.

"Whatever happened to the sleazeball?"

Her face went blank, her face kinda scrunched up again, trying to find an old memory.

"Moe told me a little while later. That when he last heard from Ruthie, that Emilio had been arrested at the party. While trying to run off with a satchel of pot. Never heard anything more of him or cared to find out. So I'm guessing he wound up doing time."

She brought her auto-biography back home with...

"As I was telling your grand-mothers, I had a modest success as a second-string supporting musical actress. You'd have thought that my experience in Hollywood with Emilio would have taught me to be careful in my private life.

Not this girl! Instead I parhtead-heartead. Abusing my body and soul with booze and cigarettes, dope and pills. Fucking my way all around town. Finally, waking up in a Queens drunk tank when I was suppose to be on stage.

The abuse I took from everyone I knew...

So well deserved!

...Forced me to realize that nobody was going to hire me again while I was destroying my life. I sobered up, made a lot of apologies and eventually, groveled my way into that role as Jenny Towler.

And then I blew that last chance. I was just unable to keep up with the physical and artistic demands of the tour. And that was the end of the road for my career as a professional actress. All my bridges were burned and what contacts I thought I had, didn't want to know me anymore.

Which brought me here, to this table, facing judgement from your grand-mothers. The simple fact was, I had no where to go and no one who would care that I went.

I don't know what Jennifer and Maryann saw in me during my confession but something I said or expressed convinced them to let me stay. One or both of them would come by everyday to check on us. On me.

Till after a few weeks they decided I was making a real effort to take care of you and the house. One more act of generosity was they taught me how to cook their family recipes. I know Randy sure appreciated what I learned.

When Maryann took sick, I helped Jennifer to care for her. It wasn't long after Maryann's passing that Jennifer had to go into a nursing home. She had some sort of degenerative fragile bone disease and needed constant professional care. That Spring, she and some of the other patients in the nursing home died during a viral pneumonia outbreak.

Your father was devastated, losing both those wonderful women so close together. But he manned up, kept his head, stayed sober and concentrated on providing you a home.

During this time we began to grow closer emotionally. I'm not going to claim we were passionately in love or even tepidly. I think we came to the mutual realization that marriage would be good for both of us and you also. After we married was when we discovered that we could learn to love one other."

Obviously uncomfortable reliving those memories, My step-mom got up and busied herself in the kitchen. She fixed us a plate of left-over meatloaf sandwiches, with sliced tomatoes on the side. I put out some pickles and a bag of potato chips and soft drinks.

***********

About halfway through our lunch, staring away from me, Lucy quietly muttered ina contemplative tone.

"Life is wonderful and Life sucks! "

She paused to gather her thoughts, looking down at her hands fiddling with what was left of her sandwich before dropping it and wiping her hands on a paper napkin.

I stared at her, wolfing down my lunch.

"You remember, all too well, what we went through when your father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Then the operation and the sudden seizure while he was in surgery, that killed him."

Oh yeah! I, all too vividly, remember what a horrible shock it was... When the surgeon came out to admit that they had lost Dad. I remember feeling a stunned horror as I watched Lucy crumble to the floor like a puppet that suddenly had it's strings cut.

Everyone told me I was now the man of the house and I had to be strong for my mother.

Fucking assholes!

I was thirteen going on fourteen. I still hadn't figured out how to be a teenager yet and all those sanctimonious twits were telling me to have a stiff upper lip and pretend I was now a man.

Morons!

Somehow Lucy and I struggled along, propping each other up through the funeral and afterwards.

Dad had previously made provisions, in case anything ever happened to him, to sell his business to his employees. The house mortgage was paid off and with what insurance and investments he had left us, provided for our financial needs.

But? Comfortable security did not replace the void left in our hearts when Dad died.

Those depressing memories killed what appetite I still had after a sandwich and a half. I tried to clear my throat and took a couple of gulps of my drink before I could speak.

"Momma... I, uhh... I want to apologize for my lousy attitude and drunken behavior last night."

I could see a glint in her eyes as she pushed aside our dishes and reaching across the table, took both my hands in hers.

"Luke, my beautiful boy. This is the age to make your mistakes and learn to correct yourself. Too build the strength of resolve within yourself to overcome your faults, To grow into the man your Mother and Father, your Grandmothers and myself also, can be proud of.

I love you... And I can even smile at your blunders. If my own story teaches you anything? It is, that we humans are all fallible. If we are willing to confront our mistakes and persevere through the bad times? We can create our own happiness."

After that, we needed to clean house. This was the first weekend we had free all month. Between school and work and all the extra-curricular activities we were both involved in.

I did the bedrooms and bathrooms and got the linens into the washing machine. Once thru the dryer, I folded and put'em away. Then I went outside to rake up the tree-litter and had a couple of swaths of grass to mow. Lucy enjoys doing the rest of the gardening, with several patches of flowers and a couple of vegetable plots.

I separated out the trash and took the recyclables into the garage. Sorting those into the respective bins for glass, metal, paper and cardboard. Every quarter, the local theatre volunteers collected them as part of their fund-raising efforts.

Checked the glue traps I kept behind the bins. Bagged up a couple I found with dead rodents. Replaced with fresh traps, before taking the bags to drop in the garbage bin for Monday pickup.

It had rained a couple of nights ago, so I didn't need to water or do more than a quick wipe down of the patio furniture.

I went in and washed up, then asked Lucy if she needed a hand. She gave me my wet laundry to run through the dryer, fold up and put away. I also ironed some of my dress shirts and a pair of flat-fronts. Plus a couple of Mom's blouses and a cotton sundress.

By time I finished, Lucy had fixed a casserole and had it bubbling away in the oven. Sure smells good! I joined her in the kitchen as she was whipping up some cornbread muffins to go in. I took over the sink and scrubbed the bowls and utensils she had used to prepare dinner.

***********

As she watched me finish up, she got this curious look on her face. While I was drying my hands, I looked back at her with a puzzled frown. You can live with someone all your life, or at least in my case, most of my life. And still not realize what they are thinking.

"Ahmm, Luke-baby... Ahmm, are you going out again tonight?"

There was the most peculiar expression on her face. I think she sounded wistful, maybe even lonely?

I shook my head, weakly.

"Nah, I spent too much money last night. The Senior Prom is coming up in a few weeks and I need to budget what all I'm going to need."

She looked down and to the side. Biting her lower lip with a pensive expression as her nervous hands rubbed at the counter top she was leaning against.

Okay, I knew I sure as Hell™didn't know much about women but even I could see that she was troubled about something.

I stepped up to her and took her hands as I looked down in her damp eyes and trembling lips. In all sincerity, I asked.

"Come on Lucy, whats the matter? Did I do something wrong?"

Surprised, she looked up at me and said in an astonished voice.

"What? Oh gosh no! No! It's not you, Luke. I'mm..."

I stood patiently waiting for her to explain the problem. Inside my stomach was churning, that I had done something, said something, something that disturb her so.

Her mouth opened and closed. She shook her hands free of mine, then surprisingly, grabbed me in a hug and mumbled something into my chest.

"Sorry but I didn't hear what you said."

She pulled her head back and looking up at me, with tears in her eyes and a quivering voice.

"I, I... I'm trying to tell you how much I love you Luke."

"I love you too, Ma but thats not all of it is it?"

" Sniffle. You're gonna think I'm a crazy old woman."

I handed her a paper towel from the roller, to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. As I snorted derision.

"If you're 'old' than all the other mothers in this town are antiqued crones!"

She giggled at that, then some more tears as she tried to pull away.

"Come on Mom. Please! Tell me whats bugging you."

"You mentioned your prom. This is your last year of High School. Next year you start at State College. You'll be in the dorms, a whole new life beginning for you. I'll be stuck here, same ol', same ol'. All alone."

That threw me for a loop. With all that I have been going through. To finish High School with adequate grades to qualify for Pre-Law or an MBA prep program. Not once had I considered what it would mean for my step-mother facing an empty nest.

I'm a fucking selfish idiot!

"Momma, please! State is just twenty-two miles away. I know I'll be coming home at least once a week. If I'm lucky on my schedule? Morning classes one day, afternoon classes the next, no problemo me staying overnight. Right?"

She smiled at my optimism.

"Don't forget you start your ROTC Basic this summer and they'll want what? At least two or three weeks? Then during College, you'll be obligated to give them a couple of mornings a week and a weekend every month?"

Damn! I had forgotten that I had signed up for Air Force ROTC.

"Now Ma, I will figure a way for us to get together more'n every other Blue Moon."

She chuckled into my sweat-stained t-shirt and was about to reply when I interrupted with.

"Hey, I got a wild idea... Since you are only working part-time? Why don''t you take some courses at State? We'd have a lot more opportunity to see one another, including meals and school events."

She scoffed but I pushed ahead.

"They have their own theater and music programs. If I remember correctly, they have a degree program for administration of non-profits and community organizations."

Looking up at my confident expression, smugly certain I had resolved this conundrum. She asked meekly.

"Do you really think I should?"

"Can't hurt to check it out. And, if it's not your cup of ice-tea? With all your experience? Maybe look around for a full-time job? Sell the house and travel the world? Teach dance? Start a flower shop? Buy a motorcycle and tour the biker-bars across America!"

She laughed outloud then smacked me on my chest.

"Thanks, I needed to hear that. You're so right, I'm not chained down. There is a world of opportunity out there. It's up to me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my lazy butt in gear and make my life meaningful!"

***********

After dinner and with the kitchen taken care of, we sat on the living-room couch, reveling in laziness, Neither of us having to rush off on a schedule, to do something, somewhere else.

Sitting comfortably, our bodies turned facing one another. With an arm along the back of the sofa, my hand reached hers. I'm guessing she wanted to talk some more. Though she was not looking me in the eye but rather at where our hands met as she gently rubbed at the back of my hand.

Then her soft doe eyes met mine.

"Luke, I realize that I'm probably the wrong person for you to discuss sex with. But I think now is as good a time as we'll have for one more discussion."

I felt a sudden chill but still managed to blush. Lucy and I have had these hideously embarrassing talks over the years. I know she is trying to do right by me, preparing me for adult relationships.

Still creeps me out!

Hesitantly she goes on.

"We've discussed the mechanics of sex. Some of what you can expect about female biology, from a woman's viewpoint. Trying to be supportive of the quirks of your maturing male biology."

I 'quirked' an eyebrow at her and in a joking snide.

"Quirks? Is that the word you chose? Wouldn't 'perpetually raging hard-on' be more accurate?"

It made me feel good watching My Lucy laugh outloud. It made me more comfortable with this conversation that she did not take offense at my honesty. Damn happy I didn't have one of my hourly hardons bulging out my jeans right now.

"Funny boy! Well, uhh... I don't want you to take this as a criticism..."

Come-on now... You know that whenever someone says that, the next thing out of their mouths is a critical review of all your failures as a human being!

"... You want to fuck the girl-women you date. They expect tender romance and heart-felt commitment from you boy-men wooing them. So? Of course you disappoint one another."

Gotta say I did not expect this kind of talk.

"I... wish? I wish I could promise you it will get better in the future. Eventually become easier to negotiate relationships... but I would be lying.

At this point in your life, you are still trying to figure out your future goals and muddle through how you can possibly achieve those life goals."

With a smirk, she chuckled.

"I know the first, most important immediate goal you have, is to get laid. In the worst possible way!"

We both snickered at that. I put my hand on top of hers and gave a gentle squeeze. It was her turn to blush. I guess at the familiarity?

With a nervous quaver, she continued.

"You were entrusted to me, too my care. By Randy and Jennifer and Maryann. And yes, by your birth-mother, Christine also... In a metaphysical sort of way...

Sometimes I feel their eyes upon me. Maybe I should say I carry the expectations, the responsibility? As your Step-Mother of providing you a home. A safe haven?

You have a multitude of possibilities ahead of you. These next few years will teach you some harsh realities. You will need to protect yourself, your future potential. From girl-women determined to trap you into matrimony.

Trying to take advantage of your horn-dog desperation. In order to get pregnant by you. Guilt-trip you into marriage."

Feeling uncomfortable now! I tried to reassure her.

"Hey, I always carry a couple of Trojans™ whenever I'm out on a date. Just as I promised you last year."

"And when your not 'out'? On an official 'date'? A casual run-in with Miss Hot-to-Trot-Fertile-Honeypot? That unpredicted, unplanned moment, when suddenly she's spanning while you are delving? And nine months later you're changing stinky diapers for little Cain and Able!?"