All Comments on 'Not My Sister'

way tooo long for one submission.

This was such a sweet story. Even though I knew they'd end up together, I enjoyed it anyway. You are a really good writer, and I look forward to reading more from you.

be at a morning date with friends, but this story stopped me, they will get over it. :)) great read, i wish all the authors of unfinished stories would follow your lead :D

The romantic in me appreciated this story. Powertool is soooo wrong about the story being too long. It's great that you submitted a complete story. Some of us get too anxious waiting for the authors to post continuations.

for submitting a sweet, good, completed story. I read it in one sitting, when I should have been other things--just had to keep reading. Disliked I. at the beginning so much, even though her behavior was caused by her Dad spoiling her. Kudos to you for writing all of the characters so well that you were able to change my mind about her.

I couldn't put this story down because of the love that's in it.

Great great great story, my only hang up and its a big one, is that you needed this story properly edited. great but a lil more work wouldn't hurt it either.

No slow burn.... Just perfect!!! LOVED IT about to read it again, thank you!

... but you absolutely need an editor to fix the writing.

Ok, so some editing would be helpful in making this great story even greater. I especially liked that you didn't string us along with a page per week. Great story! If some didn't like it....they are just easily distracted.

It skates the line of incest but you hear of this happening. I feel like this is missing a good chunk of story line... more like its told from an outsider's perspective.

Get an editor. Other than that, good work.

It took me almost all of the story to like Iesha!!

It tiptoes the line of gross but just comes off as pretty hot. I was titillated for most of the story. It could easily be two chapters with a little more exposition. Also, not to traduce the story, but that tract of Troy, Trent, and Trevor truly tried my ability to track the characters. One rule of fiction I've always liked is to change up the sounds of characters' names. It makes the story easier to follow.

this was on fire. love everthing.

The many different timelines kept distracting me. At first he was looking back on when he met her 5 years ago when he was 18, but somehow he was 21 at that moment (should be 23). Then he was 22, and recalling an incident 4 years ago, before he finished uni might I add. Then, when she was 20 (2 years after his break-up with Amy, wwhen Iesha was 18) he's still 22!!! So I gave you a 4.

I almost didn't want to get into it. But now i need to know what happens happy ever after. Great story i hope you continue and give us a look in their future.

what was that about Mark's older girlfriend wanting Alexa to come over with Mark and then the woman told Mark, he made her a laughingstock because he did not bring Alexa with him? that was confusing, it sounded like there was to be more to this story, but you changed your mind. that is cool, I myself am just as guilty, just wished I'd paid more attention to my editor, but rushing will do that to you. good story though.

it felt sort-of like a rough outline rather than a finished product. Heaps of narration, not a whole lot of character development and you didn't flesh out any of the character interaction. You set the scene up, had your characters exchange a few tentative lines of dialog and then the story moves to the next scene.

Due to the lack of character development, I personally couldn't appreciate any of your character's growth. The most obvious and difficult fix for this is more dialog with dialog tags. The dialog will give us a basis with which to form an opinion of your characters while the tags will add inflection and insight into who they are as people. After all, body language accounts for most of our communicative ability.

I personally didn't vote because I didn't finish the piece. Numerous errors (especially character names) coupled with characters doing sudden and unexplained 180's in their personalities and-or reasoning made it difficult to read.

Now that I've taken a huge shit on you, let me go over what you did do correctly (in my mind anyway. I am by no means the know-all, end-all of anything). The most difficult part of writing a story is building the framework over which the rest of the house will sit. You've already got a plot, a premise, conflict and based on the last couple of lines I caught while I was scrolling down, some-sort of conclusion/resolution. I know that doesn't sound like much but trust me when I say that too many stories on this site don't have any conflict.

What I recommend you do to make this story better is spend more time exploring the taboos of interracial couplings, the incest aspects and the small-town dynamic. Trust me when I say that people love that sort of conflict and drama; it'll give people something to talk about which is always a good thing.

It a nice story, if you cannot say anything nice keep your mouth shut. Being a asshole is not cool. Try writing a story and see if you can do better.

This was an great story. The only problem I have is that it is a bit confusing in the beginning with the flashbacks. Anyways, continue to write.

It was a good story line, a bit rough around the edges but enjoyable... Until page 6 or so and then it seemed to turn into a trainwreck. I almost stopped reading but wanted to see the ending. Its almost like it was written by two different people, or the last part was rushed through really quickly. Keep writing though! Improvment and refinement comes with every new thing you do! Re-reading your own stuff a month or two after you write it often helps to smooth out the story. (And getting a suc...i mean volunteer to proof it for you ;)

Very good love story.

I had no problems understanding the flashbacks or anything else. I think this is another completely good story.

Completely worthwhile a realy good story.

no problems understanding the flashbacks or anything else. this is another completely good story.

Do you really not know the difference between caused and cost?

More than once you say "she caused him his family"

That would literally mean that she made his family.

What you were meaning was either "she cost him his family" or "she caused him to lose his family"

You're very opinionated for someone who doesn't have any stories published on this site. It's free you know, you're not paying to read her or anyone's stories on Lit. Of course she knows the difference, even the smallest of things can slip through the cracks when proofreading. If you're a writer you'd know that. Shut the fuck up and go sit down somewhere.

And that goes for anyone else nit-picking and finding things "wrong" with the story, or even anyone else's story. Some of you people are honestly just bored and ignorant. It's not like she took you for your money. It's not like she's making profits off of posting her stories for you all to read for free on here. Get a grip.

Dada doesn't fit the picture, maybe a typing error?

You have great potential for sure. Don't feel like the story needs to be laid out in clinical details to convey anger. So many emotions can be conveyed by contextual inference. This is a FANTASTIC plot that could be a damn screen play some day. The writing just needs more polish. Keep at it. jahoo

You did a great job in creating an utterly detestable, err, "entity" in Iesha. So dislikable I don't even want to call her human. I quit reading 3/4 of the way though page 2 and did not rate.

I had to come to the last page to comment and note that somehow Troy and Iesha have fallen in love and want to get married. You must have done a remarkable job to redeem her in only 5 pages and get the scores you have. Frankly, I'd have thought you'd need to write a story as ling as Tolstoy's "War and Peace" to do that.

You have a truly strong and good romance here.

If you edit and repost it, you will have a truly great romance story here.

Because the typos and repeated words, etc., severely break the flow of reading the story I cannot offer a 5.

And I so wish I could because your plot, character development and creativity surely rate 5!

Thank you for sharing this work of art.

I have to agree with the previous poster's comments. Very good story but let down by sloppy editing. There are also some problems with continuity in there that need tightening up.

BTW, I thought that Iesha's conversion to "nice Iesha" was a bit too quick.

Must write more

.

“Troy gathered her in his arms and held her... He kissed her gently then looked deep into her eyes...”

Next paragraph- “He walked over to her, gathered her close and held her... Then he kissed her softly as he stared into her eyes...”

She was already in his arms when he walked over to her? Same scene, different wording.

“An angel wrapped in flesh sent down to earth to entice mere mortals...” In the heat of the moment, nobody talks like that. It sounds like a verse in a Victorian Valentine’s card.

“...the only home I’ve ever known...” What about the first fifteen or so of her life when she lived with her dad and their servants?

Should have been in romance

Interesting story, bogged down by subpar writing quality. It's not terrible, but a lot of the scenes simply don't flow well, and the pacing could use some work. Otherwise, pretty good story.

Good story but please proof read before you submit your stories

I agree with those who say you need to Proof Read!

At one time you even called Mary 'Amy'!

On other occasions you added spurious letters on to words - 'mhim' for instance.

My head hurts

General note: Spellcheck is not an electronic proofreader. LEARN TO PROOFREAD.

You need to go through this and cut out the redundancies and do more with getting into your characters' heads, to say nothing of getting more into their pants. More information about how Trent and Mary got together is urgently needed. You threw away two, possibly three, really dramatic scenes regarding Walter and Iesha, the local bitch-girls, the principal, and at least one set of parents that would have led to Iesha's learning more about herself and about how life and familial love work. And considering how bloody long it took you to finally get Troy and Iesha into bed, you owe your readers a big, dramatic boink sequence that they never got.

Altogether, a disappointment and a waste of my time reading it.