All Comments on 'Not So Quiet Night In'

stick with the day job.

That was great, just dont use 'ugly' words like twat ;)

definitely do some more though x

I liked your story and you had some believable dialogue which went well with the age group. You need to think about point of view issues as you had some head hopping from Dave to Debbie and back again. I think the story would be stronger if you stayed with Dave's POV throughout. It wouldn't take much to fix this. Your last paragraph is superfluous- the reader doesn't really need to know this, the Cassie sentence would be a much stronger ending and still gives you a lead-in to a follow-up story. Your editor missed a couple of missing words. It's always useful to read a story aloud to yourself to pick up sentences which don't work and missing or mis-spelled words. Good luck with your writing in the future.

A good job presenting young people's dialogue, which is a challenge since the spoken word is sometimes best reworded when written. In the first paragraph: "Here he was, sat in Matt's dining room", "sat"?? wouldn't "sitting" be grammatically correct?

So Debbie was fucking Matt and Carrie behind Dave's back?

P-A-R-T- Why we just gotta!" (P-A-R-T-A-Y or P-A-R-T-Y)

AWKWARDLY EXPRESSED:

The latter of which smiled at the joke before realising it wasn't one.

hitting with a well-aimed kick on Matt's shin

noted the semi-boxer short tents

breasts sat perkily

before the latter end spilt on her toned stomach

MISPELLED:

god (God)

I meet you half way (halfway)

setting her self at her friend's pussy (herself)

WRONG WORD:

in one foul swoop, was balls-deep (fell)

all stripping must happen while stood on the table (standing)

many a man, Dave included, memorised (mesmerised)