All Comments on 'One For the Road Ch. 01'

I didn't read your other story, but I stopped this when I got to the first 'babes', Do you not know that the the most hated pet name for women?

I pass. We all know the narrator or someone like him. In real life, I cross the street to avoid their song and dance. Read their story ? Vanadorn's good ,but he's not yet Wally Lamb good. Good luck and goodbye.

Another story based in painful reality. Men in many LW stories are faultless or have minor blemishes. Here is a guy who is a slow motion train wreck, with an addiction that he refuses to admit. So perhaps his wife leaving will force him to make some changes - we shall see.

Look forward to the next chapter.

Anything that goes wrong is always the wife's fault, you've written a tale where the husband is human, he is a failure and he wants to be more. Is his a story of redemption or a slow spiral into hell? I don't know but I'm looking forward to the trip.

Keep up the good work.

Hard to judge from the beginning so far. Lets just say it sounds promising to this point. As the story unfolds, and more of the plot is revealed, then I would get a better sense on how I feel.

might be interesting to some but the lingo locale and rambling twists aren't my style this whole section could have taken less than a page, unless of course you thought you were being paid by the word.

Though you tend to be very wordy, your stories bring great levels of discomfort. Whichfor the stories you tell is fantastic. Can't wait to see what you do with jimmy though at this point if you choose to you are gonna have a hard time redeeming him after this chapter... and he hasn't even hit rock bottom!

Also ignore the haters. This story will be rated lower than it should solely because the male protagonist is the problem. If you want better ratings here though change the story so the wife is the raging drunk and jimmy is tired of it. That way you will be swiming in 5s.

Hooray for the posting - I did it very late Monday night and didn't see it yesterday - glad it hit today - let's call it 2 and a half days to show up.

I knew going in that this story was not going to be as popular as the last mainly because in this one, the male is the least liked character. And that's ok, as always, I write primarily for myself and he's usually happy. :)

I should be cleaning up the 2nd chapter tonight/tomorrow and post it Saturday, which mean's it'll show up live here Monday (assuming everything runs the same). Thanks for the votes and the comments so far and please don't hesitate to do so here and in the future.

Regards.

-V

I can't wait to read the next chapter. This is real life and there is so much trouble and strife because of drinking. Great effort, thanks for writing.

good story , reminds me of how i use to be

Seemed like a lot of effort to make an antagonist. Honestly, you could make your character unlikeable with far less effort than this. What is next, having him kick his kids and pee on his dog?

Excellently written. I'm looking forward to more.

I guess we all know of families like this. Realistic and sad. Let's hope it works out for them.

But really couldn't we have that Ninja attack??? 5*

I hope his wife ends up fucking one of his buddies, this story needs a dramatic pick-me-up and seeing this drunk in despair will be the icing on the cake

He thinks we all are hanging on his every word. He asserts he writes for himself. He revels in the time it takes to post. He tells us he cares not if we like his work, yet he obviously cares a great deal. His comments on his stories and his introductions paint a picture of a very insecure person, trying hard to be assertive, while using so many words, he's also boring.

...but I can't generate any interest in this character at all. Maybe I watched too many Cops episodes. I'm pretty sure I see the end out there somewhere, but I don't want to read 4 more long chapters to get there.

Thanks for posting.

Had to just skip to the end. Boring.

This a well written story and for that you are getting high marks, but it is indeed very long-winded and not a lot of interesting stuff happens. I have a feeling that you wanted to use this chapter one as a "set-up" and it might appear logical to post it separately, but in this respect you are incorrect. You should NEVER split up a multi-parter in such a way that nothing happens in the first part. Chances are that many readers wont come back for the rest of the instalments if you don't hook them with the first one, so it is better to make the first part longer, than cutting it off before anything of substance happens.

If I am right in the assumption that more happens in chapter two, you would have done better combining the first two chapters into one long one.

I'm looking forward to the next installment.

if you did not grow up in this situation... you are born with a golden spoon of life in your mouth...

He is a loser and the author has done a great job writing this story , and making us see how jimmy functions as a uneducated man making a poor wage , drinking his life away and neglecting his family.to bad so manny annoy losers out there looking for a short story that burns the bitch. Yet he is the story as this is happening now in our country the USA. To many like him really exist out there.

I was smart enough to stop before I got to that point but I was honestly on my way.

1) You can write however you want. I do. But if a LOT of people are calling you long winded...either find a different audience, modify your writing or get a thicker skin. This worked for me where your first few chapters in the last story didn't because you developed a character. situation, new situation, new situation.

HOWEVER, those critics are noting something true: first scene, establish he is a drinking douchebag. Second scene...he is a drinking douchebag. Third scene...wife calls him on it...he's still a drinking douchebag...wash, rinse, repeat...

I like this story. It will not be popular. It (might) examine something very uncomfortable: that a man exists who deserves to be cheated on. This will ruffle feathers.

I'll probably read it through, but if you get to write it how you want, I get to bitch about it how I want. That is the deal. However, not once will I call you a cuckold sissy RAAC loving fag.

I may even use big words. Joy!

Yes, some drink too much and do not acknowledge it, even to themselves.

Yes, it impacts their work, family, and friends.

No, I do not enjoy reading about the troubles of the world.

I fear that if there is a chapter 02 it will take another 5-6 pages to watch him sink to "rock bottom".

This is just way too depressing.

good start. I happen to love your writing style, however I find myself skimming some paragraphs, picking key words to focus on. The fact you do write the minute details of characters lives, tends to make us intensly feel the despair of those lives. Your ability to write the darker emotions is what draws us in and makes your fans care about the outcome. Also makes me wonder whats happened in your life that makes you 'know what you write'. :-)

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Thank you for the first chapter. A good start.

I have to support FD45 and your own preface referencing prior feedback. Critiques aren't simply criticism. The point of taking feedback is to improve, to better understand the audience's view rather than just your own. The truth is, you're too wordy. You aren't adding new information or adding tension, you're just making it tedious to progress the story. That said, you're not getting paid for this. You can write solely for yourself, but in that case why put it up? If you want to improve your skills as a writer, then take the feedback and critiques as input to adjust your sensibilities and your own understanding of what to aim for.

Anyway, I'll enjoy digging into the next chapter. Please though, don't dismiss the feedback simply by saying 'I like it this way, so there'. If so, you aren't going to improve as a writer and if you aren't getting paid, yet you're making it public, then that feedback and the opportunity to improve is one of the primary ROI for your labor that you get.

Oscar winner in The Days of Wine and Roses. Depressing story of an alcoholic's slow descent into ruination. The movie was painful to watch. I'll scan ensuing chapters, but won't read them until the plot changes to loving wives.

Thanks for the feedback and comments! :) I don't take anything than anyone says with any animosity and appreciate every bit of critique as it is given. Without it, I can't improve my skills so please - don't hesitate to mention if something is bothersome. Ergo, the opposite also applied and if something is good or seems right, let me know as well. No one wants to morph into something else/better/different if in doing so they make the mistake of tossing the baby out with the bathwater.

I just uploaded Chapter 2 and it's a bit shorter than 1. I'm kind of on a roll here with this tale and am looking to get it finished - I'm writing at the turning point here. My next piece(s) will be shorter flash style to sort of stretch the other side of the writing mental muscles.

-Thanks again!

-V

A gritty tale of a husband slowly descending into alcoholic !

I have know people like the husband character and it applies to women as well.

I even dated a heavy drinker and thought I had the problem for being to controlling, not caring which was the real csse !

As for feed back, well we all should listen and reflect on others perception of us.

Story is a little wordy though I not mind as long as it is for building or setting the scene / circumstances for characters to play out in the story.

He drives a hot Dodge while Myra has to drive a POS minivan. The best sequence in the story is his sadness, shame and upset that his wife and boys are leaving because of his drinking and he then throws a borrowed router and destroys a kitchen cabinet. Smooth!! It's the kind of thing recovered/recovering alcoholics have a laugh of recognition at and non-alcoholics are disgusted by.

I had my last drink July 5th, 1963. Was 26 when I stopped. Reading this was not easy for me.

I "enjoyed" the start of this tale. There is more than one way to cheat on your spouse and family and it appears that Jimmy has found it.

Five pages and you went nowhere you couldn't have gone in 1 page.

After a (short) while it gets boring.

Not like the usual stuff on here (that's a plus!)

Those who are complaining about "nothing happening" should a) read your intro, you stated up front this was a longer story, so you can't expect a climax in the first few pages, and b) find something else to read, there's plenty out there.

I like how you've drawn both lead characters. He's obviously not exactly a sympathetic character, but is also not evil. She obviously loves him despite his flaws (and this is our best indicator that there must be a lot of good there, however deep it might be right now, or she would have walked away completely long ago!) and is trying as hard as she can to save both him and their marriage.

That's so sad. They either have to hit bottom before coming out of it or have a catastrophic event awaken them from their stupor. Cheers!

Barely 4* for the writing, but the story is a standard drunkalogue, hitting many of the stereotypical high points of this genre. Personally, I'll probably discontinue reading your story. Do keep writing, however.

I believe you earned the 4* grade because of ambition!!

The guy who is drinking his life into the ground. It has been written before, and made into movies. So that got you 1*. The other 3*s are( as it states) encouragement.

The sad fact is many of us have lived with your protagonist in our lives . I did in my family. So keep at it.

It sure is easier to enjoy a good writer's story when it is not so real!!

What is it with this fad for realism ?? Hell, even when I dislike a LW story. I can enjoy good plot, style , the writing overall if it is fantastic..

Enough said, Vanadorn you got talent. Have at it ( maybe a little faster ). I'll read it because it is free, lol. And you pleasure, I mean , please yourself !

AMerryMan

2 stars for this first chapter. Let's hope the following ones are better.

have to be pared down to 2 or 3 tk u mlj lv nv

I really like how you've pretty much nailed the inner dialogue of an alcoholic here. It's a downer, but I'm going to hang in with you. What's with all the "it's too wordy" crowd? I think you're overloading some skulls out there, but keep up the good work- nobody is holding a gun their heads.

Not erotic, but very well written.

This could go in any number of directions. Will this be a tale of redemption, or just the recounting of the life of a pathetic man. I'm hoping for the latter. Five stars. Well written. As usual, your going to take your time and build this slowly and to perfection. I see the tags, so I assume his downward spiral is just beginning.

I am not sure if I want to read more about the stupidity of this man. He is sort of the inverse of SS's women.

1 star

sympathy's to your pathetic worthless life,,as started with you first attempt at writing

ur auto biography. maybe if you trade for a STANG, instead of tax payers financed mopar charger crap, ur life will improve

I never liked alcohol and beer tastes like piss to me, but while reading this story, I feel like an alcohol addict. Good job.

This story is also what's missing from the LW category. Most of the wives who cheat aren't sluts. They don't cheat because cheating is in their DNA. They cheat to escape their situations. Nothing comes from nothing. Something comes from something.

I like this author. I don't see why this story isn't more accepted than it is. I will continue reading. Just like with the last story, a lot of people didn't like it right off of the bat. The more they read the more they liked. I think people are so used to reading about these Jesus Christ superhero husbands that they start to believe THAT story is more realistic. 5 stars.

I have met this guy on more than one occasion yes they love their wife and children, but it is love on their own terms and as long as he is happy living the he wants he thinks everyone else should be happy, just plain selfish, he doesn't really want a wife he just wants another mother he is allowed to fuck. Good first chapter and will read the others, well done.

ur drunken worthless human being tales.

2 stars

I'm liking the real life feel of this story even if it is hard to read. I grew up with an alcoholic step father. Most of the time he was a happy drunk, but there were some scary times too. When he got sober (after I told him he would never see his grandkids unless he did), those were some of the happiest days we had as a family.

I don't drink alcohol and I have no tolerance for drunks, men or women. I grew up around alcoholic drug abusers and have no empathy for them what-so-ever. They cause a lot of problems for themselves and everyone around them. The worst is when they maim or kill an innocent....all for a $3.00 beer, so they can get high. This story reads very true. OBTW, I'm 65 years old and have seen a lot of this nonsense all over the world.

The author has done us all a favor by spot lighting this epidemic.

Support your local chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

I liked your writing but the story is just do much of a downer.

Your tale is so well-woven that, while I sympathize with Jimmy's plight, I would would hate to know him IRL. Myra seems very mature and level-headed. I hope she doesn't turn out to have ulterior motives in leaving for the weekend.

.It's clear you have more than a nack for turning a phrase. Very descriptive an emotive. Thanks.

Its hard to read the story of an ignorant man, never mind a total drunk for chapter after chapter. Sorry but I'm hoping this doesn't continue in this vein. Yeh we all know being drunk is bad but this does go on and on. Low score.

I would knock the shit out of him for calling me "babes" all the time. That's irritating to me and I'm just reading the story. Seems pretty true to form from what I know of alkies. Even when they are trying to be loving and tender they are just annoying. I would imagine just the insurance alone on his car would pay for a lot of stuff.

Well written and well researched. Thanks for your efforts.

Why do you writers insist on using 'babes' its the most disliked name. 1*

I can't get past this lousy start. The characters were just horrible people and it simply isn't going to be interesting to read any further. UGH.

What is the point here? The writing is actually quite good. But this reads like an after school special about dipshit daddy's drinking. Where's the illicit hard cock 'n pussy? Where's the loving wives?

Haven't quite finished the chapter and seriously thinking of bailing here. This is unexpected and too depressing.

If you nitwits had any brains about you, you'd be smart enough to figure out that this chapter is the set-up for the story about a stupid asshole and bully who'd rather drink than keep his wife and family.

5 stars for good workmanship.

and there is no cure, save one, TK U MLJ LV NV

Why would I want to read this crap ? You are more at home with agro than sex, dickhead...…………………...

Great character work makes me want to root for the guy than curse at him....

So, Vanadon knows gratuitous violence...grats, Vanadon!

Haven't read the rest of the series. But the descent into alcohol abuse & dependency isn't far of the truth for many people. A few beers, a glass or two of wine doesn't seem very much at first. Then unnoticed by the user it turns into a daily fix, then the quantity rises just to get the same buzz. Denial sets in. We rationalise our behaviour by comparing ourselves to others. The user isn't the same as the visible alcoholic. Is just about keeping their job, yet those closest can see the approaching iceberg. Very slippery & dangerous slope.

Wow! We have experienced this, one way or another. Either knowing someone like this, or having this in our own lives. I felt the pain through your writing. Great work!

To add to my prior comment, this same pain can be felt through other 'addictions', including writers that delve so deep into their work, that they loose their balance in life and neglect what is most important. Thank you again for your work.

While the subject is worthwhile, the tribulations caused by Jimmy’s alcoholism is not exactly riveting tale. I just want the sorry bastard to have a wreck, croak, and allow his poor wife to find a guy with two braincells to rub together. On to the next installment of Jimmy’s problem.