All Comments on 'One For the Road Ch. 05'

To end with the drunk taking his drug addict friend on one last great ride for them to both die.

Spare the reader next time. Your last story I voted 5 stars.

This gets a 2.

LONG WINDED GARBAGE, 5 chapters only to have him kill himself, 1*

Not as good as your first story. It is just more depressing. the only people I like are his parents and his children. Since it is not my type of story, and since I like your writing, I best can give it a 3. If possible 3.5.

Author, if this is what you know, than you are living a world of hurt. Sorry result for your effort.

He could have survived the crash and woken up from a coma only to find out Myra was pregnant with Mark's kid.

To find out his wife's a whore having sex for money. Depressing.

Good story and you did forewarn readers that LW may not be the most appropriate genre. The Long Island references are great having grown up there. Ignore the idiot comments.

The other commenters do not seem to get it. Jimmy achieved salvation for his soul by saving his wife and kids from a gang asshole. I thought the story was well done and believable. Nice job!!!

Wow all that reading for this crap. Dumb ass story ending was shit.

I think that your readers who followed the story through to the end deserved better than the half assed ending you gave us. You need to consider an alternative ending....I guess if you don't someone in the future will. You spoiled all your hard work with a quick, lazy finish....I liked the rest and on that basis will give it a 3*, a better end would have got you an easy 5!

And then this. Oh well.

This story was too good for it to end this way , hopefully Jimmie will end up landing on a semi trailer and survive so he can be reunited with his family , the ending sucked . I have liked some of your writing better than this . BPAR. kYPD .

Are you kidding,,,, this gud should die.

A dark story which reminded me of film noir movies. I don't think it is too long, Jimmy's reckoning his addiction and his way out of it is captured convincingly. In the end he is caught out by his previous behaviour which shows that changing yourself may not always be enough.

Great story until the last scene. Swapping the drama of his relationship for the drama of a chase scene while not bothering to finish the story line of his recovery and hopefully his reconciliation with his family left a very unsatisfying feeling to what was otherwise a very good story.

A story doesn't have to have a happy ending, but ought to finish with a satisfied feeling on the part of the reader. The Unoriginalist's "boiler plate" story is a good example of this. A happy ending can be just as satisfying. "Wicked" was a great example of this. Unfortunately (because you are a really good author), your story fails here, and I will try to explain why I think it does.

Up until the last scene, your story appeared focused on the slow destruction of addiction and then the slow redemption of recovery (as a recovering addict I could identify very well). You did this beautifully (with only a few errors about recovery). The slow work of real change and the need for the partner of an addict to get help for co-dependency was well done as well. The relationship of husband, wife and children, expressed through addiction and recovery was the core of your story. This "core" was suddenly abandoned in the last scene for its antithesis, the single act of drama to show change. In addiction and recovery (and in how you set up your story), a single action, no matter how dramatic couldn't show the change and growth needed for redemption. The result was that the "core" of the story was never resolved. Without that core being resolved the reader is left with a feeling that the story was never finished. Like a writer that abandons a book two-thirds of the way through.

It almost felt like you got tired of writing this story and went for a quick ending just to be done with it. It would have been more work to have finished the story you started to write, but it would have been a really satisfying and great read. I suppose it could still be, with the addition of another chapter to resolve the actual story (assuming survival from the car crash).

great story seems like it could happen that way in real life

Glad to see it posted.

When penning the story out, there were a few things in my mind as I grew closer to the ending. 1) Myra loved him, but Jimmy had burned out that 'I want to be married to you' love from his wife with years of drinking and eventual abuse. There is nothing saying it could not have been rekindled at some point in the future (ala Stephanie) but Jimmy is not the most patient of people and given how he is - he would not be able to let it take that long. 2) Myra is sleeping with Mark. Yes for money, for oil, for mortgage - whatever it is - and that is another dynamic in Jimmy's life and decision making. 3) Redemption - you could WANT for things to get better and really try your best - but if you have been a fuck up for so long then some of your past decisions WILL come back and roost on your doorstep. Jimmy had his drinking, a co-dependent a destructive relationship with his friend Tim a known drug user, and a history of answering the slights in life with fists and violence.

The story is one of alcoholism, spousal abandonment and cheating (and maybe there are people out there who 'deserve' to get cheated on), and the long road down and up on dependency. But mostly it is a story about doing the right thing at the end of it all.

I thank everyone for reading and commenting, I understand that not everyone liked it and I also understand that not everyone hated it. A good story is supposed to entertain you on some level and hopefully garner an emotional response. And from the comments I've read in these 5 chapters as well as the numerous private feedbacks I have gotten over the last 20 days for this tale I guess I have done my job.

Thanks again.

-V

I thought that the slow journey in this chapter surrounding his wife's situation and what she was up to with Mark was fantastic. It really pulled the reader along in a way stories like Back to Bristol or Dig Two Graves did....that whole "hoping for the best" slow discovery mild anxiety thing.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of the people who thinks there needs to be a last chapter. Not necessarily the "super happy Scooby Doo" ending, which is frankly both impossible at this point and a little bit boring to my old eyes, but just something that offers a little more closure. The type of ending you have here is very good and it leaves us thinking about the story for a long time, but it works far better as an ending to a short story that it does such a long piece. Literary short stories have a vignette-like quality which produces a predilection for incomplete endings. Some of the best ones literally just stop, and you feel like the story to go on forever. A piece this long, though, needs to have some small element that allows us just a fraction of satisfaction. As much as you redeemed the character, I don't feel that here.

Too bad many others won't because... well frankly in this genre you are writing for people who only like stories where the husband is perfect and gets everything he wants. You could have spent 4 chapters having jimmy veat mya into a coma and as long as he didn't cheat they would view the wife as the problem. And if he did cheat they would still hate the wife.

In the future rather than say you write what you know warn if the story will be dark or not. That way the crazies don't have (as much) of a shit fit and you will hopefully be rated for what you deserve rather than what they expect.

All in all good story. Keep doing what you are doing. Some will hate it, some will love it; but neither can deny your story is based deeply in reality.

5 chapters of (thankfully skimmed over) crawling through the wreckage.

A sadist delight.

a man always does whats right for the family. TK U MLJ LV NV

I think the ending is that Jimmy died. There's a car chase. When it gets out of control he starts to recite the Psalm of David (a funeral psalm). He says: "I watched as the scumbag's car raced over the side and started to fall the 50 feet to the LIE below. My Charger rode up and over, the demon cry of my motor roaring to the heavens. . . . I saw the darkness of the night sky through the windshield of my baby, her voice broken and her body battered. . . . And as the view shifted and I angled down and I saw the shattered and burning remains of Les' Civic below I knew that I had done what I needed to do."

I think Jimmy pushed Les over the 50 foot cliff and then went over himself (my charger rode up and over) and then he saw that Les was dead right as he was about to hit too (as the view shifted and I angled down).

I could be wrong, of course, but that's how I read it.

I believe the subject matter is a little over the head of the sanctimonious misogynists who hide behind the cloak of anonymity due to their cowardly nature. There are a few who must remain anonymous due to the hypocritical community they live in, but as a whole the anonymous crowd of critics are the wife-beating, child-molesting trolls that are the scum of the septic tank.

GREAT JOB, I wish life was a "bowl of cherries" as Forrest so brilliantly put it...

BUT ITS NOT!

Thanks again,

SliperyRox

@ Huedogg - You are right in that regard - as per my 2nd point in the comment. Myra slept with Mark and to Jimmy's way of thinking - that is always going to be in the back of his mind and will start a cycle where it would poison his relationship with her. He WANTS his wife to love him - there is no doubt about that. But he is a "good old boy" - a fairly typical type of guy that we see all day every day in that 18-29 age bracket. They are out there - hell, I can pick 5 of them out right where I work without getting too deep into their lives.

He saved his kids. He saved his wife (ex, significant other, love of his life, whatever you want to refer to her as). But his redemption was for his drinking and stepping up to correct a past travesty that he had set in motion because of his alcoholism.

And let's be honest, to Jimmy's way of thinking he loves his kids, his wife, and his car.

Whereas my 1st story could have turned into a BTB story but didn't, this one could have turned into a RAAC story but didn't. Why? Because in most cases, they are more fairy tale than reality. Happily ever after doesn't really exist because there is always a tomorrow - and tomorrow had its own trials and tribulations.

-V

But without a definative statement to that fact you can still write on by having the jersey walls save him or gaining enough control to guide the car to a stop.

Just saying.

That he would die behind the wheel of that damn charger. Took four more chapters, but I was right. I do think you did a good job with this story, despite the fact that there was no "happy" ending. I admit, wondering about an epilogue. Myra at the funeral, wondering if SHE had done enough to save him, could SHE have somehow prevented this by standing by him throughout his recovery? Whether she was justified, (OR NOT), she abandoned him to hit rock bottom ALONE. Yet MONTHS after he begins to crawl out of the hole that he (admittedly) dug himself, she shows NO signs of any interest in giving him hope. James' own denial about the end of the marriage seemed to be enough of a motivator, helping to keep him sober, yet she always failed to understand it. She stayed with a self-imposed victim mentality, and allowed Mark in to help erase her feelings of love for James. If there was an epilogue, it should point out how damaged her new relationship with Mark actually is, and that, conflicted with regret over James' death, she will never be happy with Mark as she realizes his role and resents him for keeping her unavailable to be part of James' healing process. For the briefest second, you hint that perhaps Myra should have been attending Al-anon meetings too, but especially being faced with the expectations and red-tape of CPS, SOME kind of counseling should have been made available to the family members. If it was, it seemed like she refused it. She refused to get any help that might actually SAVE her marriage. She looked to another man to "rescue" her, yet told herself she was doing "all she could" for the sake of her kids. Bullshit! She dug her head in the sand JUST as much as James. I can't imagine that Mark would be enough of a positive influence to heal her own inner demons, and it will be next to impossible for him to adequately father her children, who already have demonstrated extreme behavioral issues related to the separation.

So this story, as an exercise for the LW category, actually needed to focus MORE on Myra and James, and LESS on the alcoholic spiraling down to oblivion. The alcoholism WAS perhaps the most important part of it, yet it wasn't the whole story. Stephanie spoke louder for Myra, then Myra spoke for herself. We needed much more of Myra's thought processes. Fair enough that she was just as flawed as James, in her own ways. But the best LW stories chronicle events from a marriage (you know, where it takes two people to be married), instead of just relating events of the destruction of only one of the people involved. I'm not saying that the reader was left unaware of Myra, but before this tale ended, she needed to be more of a main character, instead of just an element of background white-noise.

By all means, author, put this one to bed, and get to work on the next story. BUT.....IF... you decide to cap this off with an epilogue 6th chapter, you'll have to delve deep into Myra, and the "happy" ending many readers crave will involve her actually learning something about herself out of this mess, and being able to teach the same lessons to her boys, towards a positive end. The best resolution is that she rejects selfish pursuits and learns the value of sacrifice towards the people she loves the most (you know, another human being- besides herself). However, simply retelling the SAME story, under her narration will have little-to-no value. Even if we get to learn more about Mark, unless the epilogue focuses on her inner spiritual growth, it will be a wasted effort. And in that regard, maybe the movie-like fiery car crash ending really WAS the best way to end it.

Last word:

The best part of reading your stories is seeing the hard work you put in to them. Appreciating your talent to stir up strong emotions from the readers, and a knack for realistic detail that makes it VERY easy to visualize the action. I thank you for a great job and hard work!

The first four chapters were a highly realistic "in ya face" tale of a husband with substance abuse problems as experienced from the point of view of the abuser. Quite a unique take that I haven't seen anywhere else on Lit, and though it garnered a lot of angry comments it hit the mark right on. But this chapter completely changed gears. Suddenly the wife was sleeping with a guy for money (totally out of character) and the chapter is concluded with a fatal action sequence that feels as contrived as the smile of a politician.

Could the wife have found another? Sure. Very likely in fact. If she is reasonably good looking there will usually be some colleague, tennis partner or "friend of the family" sniffing around ready to offer a shoulder to cry on in return for getting his wiener greased. Maybe even going for a serious relationship and taking over the family. But would she sleep with him for for money? Highly unlikely. Totally out of character and a serious violation of the realism.

And the Michael Bay ending? Please! I must admit that I agree with the people suggesting that the author got tired of the story and looked for a swift conclusion. Too bad.

Hue hypothetically too you... when would it have been acceptable for the wife to 'cheat?' I mean the facts that: 1) he physically abused her in front of her kids, 2) had a serious problem he refused to get help for, 3) jimmy nearly beating her friend to death in their driveway, 4) not contributing a cent to her and his kids for... how many months? 7-8?, 5) flat out vanishing from their lives without a word for 6 or 7 of these months, and 6) they were LEGALLY SEPERATED and the only reason it wasn't a divorce was because jimmy couldn't be found and then wouldn't let it go through.

Since you and other like minded folks made it clear none of the above were acceptable reasons... what would have made it acceptable? When he died? If he had seriously injured her or someone else? If he went to prison for a long time? Or is cheating the only acceptable reason? Cause that might not be the point you are trying to make but thats how it comes across. Or maybe it is how you feel... anything a husband does to his wife is acceptable as long as he doesn't fuck anyone else.... and the wife can never ever leave a marriage and if she sleeps with anyone after a divorce or seperation she is a cheating whore who should die.

And I don't like cheating wives anymore than you do. I just handle myself better and unlike the rest of your btb crowd I don't seek to torpedo literally any story where I don't torpedo literally any story which doesn't make me feel joy or personal satisfaction. I value good stories and good writing over how good it makes me feel. I just wish more people in this area were about that rather than seeking to be personally vindicated.

Just read this in 2 or 3 of the comments or something like it: "the author got tired of the story and looked for a swift conclusion"

Sorry - caught me as funny since 25% of the last chapter, over 4,300 words is Jimmy's chase of Morales on the LIE. No swift conclusion there. And I would think that a Michael Bay ending would have had more explosions and a helicopter chase and with luck a General Lee type leaping from one embankment to the other. If anyone's ever driven on any major expressway late at night, you've probably seen the young dumb fuckers in their fast and furious knock offs playing 'King of the Road' or whatever it is referred to nowadays.

Some stories I've read have that shift back and forth in narrative between both parties in order to give you a well rounded encompassing of the tale. And that works, absolutely! And at some point in the future I'll do a tale like that. But this story resonates I think because it is only from Jimmy's point of view. Jimmy has a unique take on everything because for the most part it is through the lens of an alcoholic and how he perceives the world.

We get glimpses of Myra and her thought processes through the tale and can see that she has her own issues and problems. I'm glad someone picked up on a toss away line I had put in re: Al-Anon. And no, she didn't go. She's also butting heads with her mother, Stephanie, who is very much against Myra's current choices in this time re: Mark (fuck you mark, just fuck you <- Man, I loved writing that every time Jimmy thought of that opportunistic scumbag).

-V

but the ending car chase seemed a little contrived. I thought he was gonnna be stopped by cops for routine violation and the drugs discovered, and that would take him down again. That woulda been much more consistent with the story.

in the end unsatisfying.

You said from the start that this story was about real life situations, but in this case I believe we need an epilogue. Whether Jimmy lived or died is not going to change the story to this point but if it is real life then all the people around Jimmy and what he did are part of that life. Let us know about them at least.

it is a very sad but often true story, should have gone on to a more postive ending. seen people recover for many years and rebuild a life. readers need to know life can go on.

RE - This chapter broke the stride.

I couldn't agree more as the anon poster summed up this pathetic 5th chapter perfectly. Going from such a serious and very realistic topic of the effects alcohol abuse has on a relationship to such an god awful action movie style over the top car crash ending is just mind blowing bad.

While you are a highly talented writer, your stories lack hope of any kind and seem designed and focused to only depress the reader which I for one will no longer be.

Real to the end.

Did he die? We're not really sure are we. Probably, but if you want to, then he and Myra lived happily for ever after.

one more chapter please

I apologize if you took insult about this comment.

I did not mean to be saying you did not write a complete ending, rather I meant that this ending needed (at least to my way of thinking) far less time (words, chapters, whatever) then an ending that followed his growth to a point that he might have won back his wife (the less likely ending) or come to acceptance over his loss (more likely and truthfully the fate of most before/after relationships for addicts in recovery). Add in the time to show her coming to terms with her own co-dependency and I think this would have been a much longer, though more realistic and satisfying storyline.

I could be wrong here, FD45 managed something similar without the lengthy storyline in his last work, but for your writing style, you choice seemed abbreviated. A single act doesn't really show redemption to me. Redemption comes from true change expressed in a lifetime of actions. The last scene lacked this (at least for me). And please don't misunderstand, I have you listed under my favorites with good reason. You are a really good author and I enjoy your work (the more so because you offer it freely). The criticism was intended constructively, not as a bash.

Thanks Francis! I didn't take it as an insult at all. And thanks SO much for your comments and support - I very much appreciate it. :)

I will admit when I was first plotting the story out 4 weeks ago that I didn't know for sure if Jimmy was going out in a blaze or was going to somehow grow old and accept his loss due to his own faults. When I finally settled on this ending, the name of the story changed from "Out of the Gutter" to "One for the Road" to reflect in my mind a better name for the tale.

The story had rails that I was writing on and I stayed on them - however the dialogue sort of wrote itself. When I wrote Jimmy's thoughts or his comments, they just flowed - no thinking involved. His part of the story emerged like Athena from Zeus's skull - whole and complete. I also found his pop and Father Mike to come across natural and easy - their two distinct voices right from people I know and the way they talk and think.

So please, I no insult taken and I am very much enjoying the dialogue with everyone here and privately. Like my 1st story, this one has take a bit out of me and I'm going to enjoy not writing for a bit before putting the next one down on outline. There will be another multi-chapter tale coming along eventually, but I am going to write a few shorter 1 chapter/flash style tales to work that side of the mental and creative muscle.

-V

Dude... did you even read the story before commenting? Cause everything you say tells me differently.

1) he did go to jail for hitting mya. He was released into a substance abuse program and had the restraining order. I know... isnt a shame that a man can't physically assault his wife without consequence?

2) he had unemployment and literally his only expenses were going to rehab, his car, and whatever he spent on booze. He didn't so much as look for a job that whole time and the job he did get literally fell into his lap. Again to you perfectly acceptable because how dare she give him trouble.

3) I'm glad they finally found soneone willing to stand for the rights of alcoholic abusers. Cause again all husbands everywhere are faultless and nothing bad has ever happened to children around people with substance abuse problems.

4) so you believe that no marriage is over until the husband declares it over no matter what he has said and done. Anything done prior to husbands acceptance makes her a cheating whore no matter the legalities. Seperated? Cheating slut? Divorced but husband unhappy with that? Cheating slut. Husband divorces wife for whatever reason and finds someone while wife is unhappy? She needs to move on.

5) yes I find it acceptable because she sepated from him first in the process of dicorcing him. But for you we go back to 4; its only over when I personally get what I want and to hell with anyone else. If my fiancee left me while I would not like it I harvor no illusions that she has to spend her life alone and miserable until I personally feel okay for her to date others. Would it make me happy? Hell no. Would I hate her? Probably. Would I try to get her back? Possibly. Do I believe, like you, that she has to stay with me and do whatever i want until I decide otherwise? No. I live in reality and while it is not accommodating to all of my wants and desires... c'est la vie.

6) put up a fight? For what? His own desires everyone else be damned? For a relationship which he torched? Do you truly believe that being divorced after beating your wife, beating your wife's friend, and vanishing for months is the equivalent as being &quot;treated like a dog&quot;? Is all of that being &quot;a whipping post&quot; to you? Do you truly believe you can do whatever you want to someone with no consequences and that any consequences that do come are people treating you unfairly?

Cause honestly.... if vandahorn had made jimmy say your whole rant before he sobered up... it wouldn't have been out of character...

But anything else pm me. We are going way off topic and nothing we are saying at this point is even somewhat remotely related to the story.

Despite the myriad of people calling Myra a bitch, a Chester and a whore, the truth is she probably loved Jimmy but she wasn't in love with him. She wasn't a cheater because she wanted out of the marriage and can you blame her? Her husband was an alcoholic, a liar, a violent man who attacked her and her friends husband. Only at the end did understand AND accept his role in breakdown of the marriage. She didn't want him or want to be married to him and he was furious that she moved on.

How long did it take before he finally sent her money? How long did his children go without because he was either too drunk or too angry to man up and support his wife and children? How many pay checks did he get befriend he starred to give her anything? He was so wrapped up on his own little world that he never even asked how Myra and the kids were doing and CPS were going to take them away BECAUSE OF JIMMY, because she was still married to him. So yeah, do you blame her for leaving an abusive, alcoholic, violent man.

His death was fitting, not that it redeemed him but because it illustrates how much he did change. He never thought of himself or what was going to happen, he had only one thought "protect his family"

Vanadorn did a masterful job of creating a character that was imperfect, fallen and broken. You didn't give the easy out of revenge or reconciliation; but you took them on the hard road of redemption.

Well done. You have become my favorite author. 5 stars isn't enough.

Very very impressed. You sir, are a real story teller.

The first chapters were slooooooow. Tedious. About halfway through this chapter it moved to a 4*. The last page was AWESOME!

5*

To me, the last 2 pages looked like a bad action movie: car races and shooting instead of storytelling. It gave nothing to me as a reader and spoiled the whole setting.

Francis Toliver commented this right to the point:

"It almost felt like you got tired of writing this story and went for a quick ending just to be done with it."

The mother in law said some words of wisdom that made us readers wait for a productive change in Jim's attitude, hope for insight that his former actions could not be cleared in a hurry and he had to be patient. This could have been a very good and right to your style way to proceed. (I am not necessarily meaning "happy end".)

But you let fate interupt this process by a succession of casualties (Tim calling in Jimmy's help, one of the dealers accidently being the crazy inmate, this "Les" being determined to hurt Jimmy's family beyond all resaon, the cops coming late and so on) and let us all wonder whether this family could be healed.

Sorry, despite your efforts and writing skills this chapter does only get 3* from me.

Had I known the ending would be this much of a dog, I'd have bailed a long time ago.

Waaaaay too wordy up front, then fast foward and (as someone else noted) tack on a Michael Bay ending...

And you gotta love Hue's comment about love being a 'splinted thing' --almost pissed myself laughing at that...

This whole thing should have been under non-erotic.

great ending.

Bravo Vanadorn!

A great read!!

Your one of the best on this site. Lets face it, most of the stories on this site are crap. A little background, then sex, then cuddle time, and then it is over. Your one of the few writers that can make the reader emotionally bond with the characters. We went along a journey with James, and watch real life happen. Sometimes we go down too far the rabbit hole, to completely become free. The marriage was over, and it should of been. She would never be sure if he were ever to relapse. The thing about addicts, they tend to relapse a lot. A lot of things can trigger it like stress. Life is a serious of trials, and then you die. Happy ending are those full of wishful thinking, because life always ends in tragedy. Anyways, can't wait for the next story. Please depress us with wonderful realism.

The knight in shining armor dies??? What the hell kind of ending is that. You build the story up with the kids missing their Daddy and possible reconcilliation with his wife and then you kinda sorta kill him off, that sucks!!! Ah well, still good read and I pray someone takes it upon themselves to write a better ending.

I knew since the begining that his fate was connected with his friend Tim...They were true friends, but friendship took them through wrong roads...A pity he had to die to save his soul and his family...he deserved better after had found the right road. Pity his children would never be with him...But as the writer says: "That's life!!"

BUT.........

PLEASE, don't let it end just yet!

Very Well Done!

You should write the story you want and post it. Please try to refrain from telling us what you intended, wanted, hoped for, and managed. If you need to explain everything, you screwed up. Your ego is amazing. You think we all want to know when you wrote, what you will write next, how your metaphors leap from your mind like Zeus tossing his cookies and many other foolish comments. The sun does not revolve around you, Vandy. Get over yourself. A good shrink could tell us that you're text book something, like narcissistic, or bipolar or something. For the unwashed masses, you're simply pompous and annoying.

Hated the sad ending but it is what you wrote.

Thank God this farce is over - I am so glad the drunk is dead and we, the readers of this dreck, are finally put out of our misery.

There is a difference between being able to write sentences, paragraphs and chapters and being a real author! I seriously suggest you take a course in writing 101. Pay attention to the lecture on creating dramatic tension versus just having turds endlessly circling in the toilet bowl. For some unfathomable reason you wasted several chapters, hundreds of paragraphs and thousands of words wallowing in an alcoholic stupor. What was the point? If there was a point make it succinctly and move on - don't waste the readers time or they won't be back. And you can bet your ass you won't ever get published in a paid gig.

P.S. Look up the word Brake in the dictionary before you ever get in a car again.

Everyone can be redeemed only by God, even Jimmy. In this case, he died doing what he was told by God and his life redeemed by God for saving his wife & kids from certain torture & death at the hands of a mexican petty criminal.

I liked the story and gave it 5*. It was suspenseful, exciting, and a good story of a person's life from death to redemption through AA. Jimmy's thinking changed due to AA. He went from being in life ONLY for himself to being in life for others--Myra, John, Joel, & Tim. That's redemption in my book.

but it makes me roll my eyes at the 'cheating whores must die slow agonizing deaths' crowd. Seriously? You read (I'm assuming they actually read it) a story like this one and all you get out of it is 'she cheated!?! sigh....

As for Myra...she has been dealing with and trying to keep the marriage going for yrs. Does she have her own issues that need dealt with? Yep. Did she wake up one morning and decide 'hmmm, Jimmys not here, I need money to keep going and I'm horny, so I'm going to fuck around while I can'. Don't think so. Is she making good decisions right now? Nope. Has she had to deal with a thousand and one things as Jimmys drinking has slowly gotten worse through the yrs? Definitely. Am I going to point my finger at her (or any real woman going through the same thing)? Absolutely not.

As for Jimmy...thrilled he was finally starting to deal with the hell he created for himself. Stronger men than he had/have tried and failed. I'd like to think he would have succeeded and maybe learned some things about himself in the process. Obviously he was still working on the basics if his first and only response to Tim was 'this one last time buddy'. The speedbump in recovery I was expecting was alcohol, not his own stupidity with his good buddy.

As for the ending....didn't have a problem with it. How sad he dies (can't believe there's any doubt) doing the first and last truly unselfish act of his entire life. During the car chase, his only thoughts are to protect his family, at any cost to himself. If he had lived, I don't think he would haven able to give Myra up without a protracted battle with his sons being the ultimate victims. If they had gotten back together, her having been with Mark would have started working on him and she would always be waiting for the drinking. Either way, the epilogue should fast forward 15-20 yrs and showcase one of his sons going through the same battle....the gift that keeps on giving.

Once again, excellent job and well done. So Vanadorn I think it's safe to say you now have a loyal following and we are waiting for whatever you decide to write next.

Oh goody, the Anony-trolls have come out to complain and whine because their tampons are in too tight. Do you know how much balls and effort it takes to put a DECENT story together and post it here for everyone too see? I'll give you a hint - more than you jokers have. It's fucking funny because you keep coming out, reading these stories and then bitching about it.

I'm sorry there weren't as many dicks to suck in this story as you'd like but maybe your boyfriends will come over and let you get your cuck fantasies on. There is a wasteland of cuckold stories out there that have pushed many good authors off this site. That and douchebags like yourselves.

Some of you have very distinct voices and it's easy to pick you out when you go off on GOOD WRITERS and GOOD STORIES. So for all the quiet voices who are loving this sort of stuff - KEEP ON WRITING!!!! So what if there are a few misspelled words or the grammar isn't 8th grade English perfect - it's a great god damned story! Where's yours? Nowhere - like your life. Maybe when your mom comes down to the basement to put up another load of laundry you can stop jerking into your sister's panties and ask her to get you a See Dick Run book and a box of crayons. Fucktard.

And one more thing - WE LIKE IT WHEN THE AUTHOR, ANY AUTHOR, TAKES THE TIME OUT TO TALK TO US AND TELL US WHAT HE'S THINKING! Wow! Imagine that - the god damned writer gives enough of a shit for the audience on a free website to actually write back to them and tell them stuff about the story. Thank GOD he/she/it does that! More writers should do that - it'll drown out your whiny bitch-bag moaning.

Suck a dick, you're annoying the rest of us.

Vanadorn, you keep on writing and don't you damn worry about these asshats. And anyone else that wants to chime in and help a brother out with a kind word and some support on this story or any other good authors' story - do so. Gotta drown out the assholes before they take over.

Fuckers.

5 big god damned stars.

When you created a child-like selfish alcoholic as your protagonist, the number of possible endings fell to a few. The reason so many commenters are angry is because we all wanted the good ending, not the bad. That you are so reviled is testament to your story. Even though I also wanted him to emerge victorious, I gave it five stars. You do commit one grammar mistake that so many writers on this site make that I can't pass on commenting. Example: "...allowing phone calls between Myra, the boys and I..." The I should be me. I in the subject; me in the predicate. Simple.

Nice job. Tough subject to handle well. Nicely done.

Not often we have an heroic ending with the gallant rescuer going down in flames. It became clear that James and Myra's marriage was dead long ago and only the funeral was yet to be held. A bit drawn out but you got there in the end.

This story, like any good tragedy, has no possibility of recovering from the hole he dug himself. He lost his wife, and the fact that she was forced into getting "comfort" from a friend is irrelevant to this loss. I just feel very sorry for the two J's who have a difficult path before them. Really a fine bit of work.

Yes it was sad but most real life stories turn out sad. Hated it but enjoyed the writing and your story. Feel for those boys, even though it is only a story. Thanks for writing and sharing.

A James Bond thriller ending ,came out of a jail house altercation. A little to far out, just like a James Bond movie . The author let jimmy get his act together only to bring him down in this unpleasant ending. So if the mother in law was correct eventually she would see the relationship that could not be sustained .and maybe if he continued to keep his nose clean she could forgive him. But this ending was far out and sudden. I think you could have done much better here. Sad for all,!

Good story otherwise though. I look forward to your next one :)

He may have saved Myra and the kids from Les, but if he hadn't driven Tim to his drug delivery Les wouldn't have known where they were and gone after them in the first place. Now Jimmy's dead, his weekly money to Myra is no more and she'll be going under financially and more vulnerable to Mark than ever. Some redemption.

for this ending. If you write from experience you must have far too many very smart friends. This protagonist suffers and is finally making it and you bring back Tim and that gets him killed. Just Dumb.

Story of triumph over the bottle and a lot of back luck of his own making. I really liked the voice over at the end. Sad fucking story, but all of the tragedies are - that is the point of a tragedy. Note to author: most Lit commentators don't like tragedies.

The ending SUCKED.

Dragged me along - could not help myself. Very powerful and realistic.

Nuff said...

Fine job of writing. Glad to see you giving up on reality, for an exciting ,fantastic ending.

You know a real life ending would have been BORING ! He gets more education, a promotion and visits with his boys every week. More often than not the wife divorced him. But if he is lucky, stays on the straight and narrow. The separation ends with them back together a year or two later.

You're a little bit of a hypocrite V, couldn't stick with 'reality' lol

All that said, you have the talent , you keep writing, I'll keep reading as

AMerryMan

Wow! What an amazing ending. The way you weaved his flashbacks with the Lord's Prayer and the car chase ... Wonderful writing. This was the perfect ending. Five stars. I had my doubts at the beginning, hated Jimmy, even wanted a happy ending. In a way this was a happy ending. He is redeemed, lays down his life for his family, his wife telling him she loves him . . . Beautiful.

1 star for the tail of drunks

As someone with a few 24 hours under my belt, this rings so true. Have been to way too many funerals of friends who didn't, wouldn't or couldn't "get it". Keep writing what you know!!

The story was very good, characters were well written, but the ending was flat. You could have gone on and had Jimmy wake in the ICU with his wife there. They could have worked out their problems and rebuilt their lives. With him helping Tim get straight.

That sucked,at least if you go by how i feel.

I guess that means objectively from my point of view it was a great read.

The story was a spell binder but for it to end the way it did makes me feel I wasted my time reading it. I don't know how you could write an alternate ending but if I were you, I'd sure as hell try.

Great story and writing. Pure entertainment.

You gave us enough hints that it is your story hence your ending.

Thanks for sharing your hard work on Lit.

x

When I stated reading this I felt here's a tough guy in a good way... until it turned out he got in a fight over nothing... and then I started to dislike him more and more. ..

Even after he got out of jail, my opinion of him continued to fall...

then after hitting bottom he took a shovel and dug himself in further...

It was nice to see him pulling himself up... and though it was a shame that realistically couldn't end with a Happily Ever After for him, his sacrifices in the end were made all the more impressive because he finally DID prove that he valued other things even when losing them.

If there were an alternate ending it shouldn't change what happened to him, it should just cover Myra getting rid of Mark and maybe somehow her finding out why what happened happened...

There is not an iota of writing skill anywhere. Just garbage. "1*" !

Wish you'd post more frequently.

Than to just fade away .... in a bottle of booze.

Good way for the tormented Jimmy to go. Part hero, part victim, fully at fault.

thereby destroying his, his parents, his families lives forever

Would like to see you post some more stories!

Please keep writing and sharing!

Five stars.

Something in my eye...

fuck Myra, she was a fucking cheater anyway.

When Jimmy was a hard ass and a drunk I wanted him dead. when he turned his life around he needed to live not die. Silly ending in bad last Chapter made the whole thing pointless.

Pity you write well.

always read comments before starting a story. I just avoided 25 pages of shit.

Dunno why the other comments were so negative.

Excellent story

Loved it 5/5

Did he die, or what?

Take a wild guess, you dumb sonofabitch. He was in midair looking down at the wreckage of Les's car on the LIE..... on his way down to join him. God!! What stupid mother fuckers.

Great story. Sad ending but Myra was already gone. She'd been fucking the other guy for months. There's no way that Jimmy would ever have been able to accept that.

Two children will carry their dad's death in grief for their lifetimes.

Myra will prostitute herself by marrying a man she does not love only to provide for her children.

Parents in grief.

James finally was successful over alcoholism only to be killed by Vanadorn. Interesting story, lousy plot.

Wish I had not read it.....

Sorry not for me. Too tragic, no redeemable character. You probably were really down when you wrote it. You should write a warning at the beginning about truly depressing stories. A waste of time for me.

good story - character development, plot, dialogue, all superb

For the first three chapters I was reading about me.

I kept hoping for Jimmy's redemption, but yeah, not to be.

Still, you wrote a powerful (if uncomfortable) story, so 5* from me.

This was visceral. I guess it's true that the only only place to go when you reach rock-bottom is back up.

The ending caught me by surprise though, and I thought it was a bit too contrived compared to the rest of the story. He could have just as easily phoned the cops so they would be waiting at Myra's place for the crims, instead of having a heroic car chase that may (or may not - the ending is not clear) have resulted in his death.

Alternatively, the story may have been more true-to-form if Myra had moved on, despite the pain this would cause him and his kids

Still an excellent read though. Five stars easily and thanks for writing it.

After having posted my previous comment I went and read all the other comments, and it appears that he must have died.

But does it really matter? If Jimmy did live then he'll end up in jail again for taking the law into his own hands, and more importantly, for endangering the lives of all the other drivers they passed. Or he could survive and be a tetraplegic and live an even more horrible existence than what he already has (what sort of dick-head drives at those speeds without a seat belt unless they have a death-wish?). Add to that the fall-out from Tim's shooting and his future would not be good. Whether he survived or not, his relationship with his wife would be well and truly over. For this reason I still think the ending was too melodramatic and detracted from the rest of the story.

Like most rational commenters, I have a lot of sympathy for Myra and see her as a huge victim of his drinking. I understood her need to have a man in her life who she can trust to look after her and the boys, and even if she doesn’t love him as much as she did Jimmy she’ll still settle for that. After-all, anything would be better than the hell she lived through over the past year or so.

Jimmy was accurately portrayed as a head-strong young man, full of testosterone and damn the consequences (not saying this is a bad thing, just saying that’s how a lot of young men are). I think his steady, and painful, decline was really well done, and his slow climb back to a better life was bloody painful as well.

Such a sad story. No winners here at all.

After writing the pain so well,

I wished for some happiness at the end.

Far to sad an ending.

This tale should be in the hall of fame. Enough said.