All Comments on 'Operation νερό'

Too many inconsistencies in the plot - were they going to bring water back ? How could they bring back enough in the time available.

People who have mastered technology and lightspeed drive can't scan a planet for water, they have to send out foot patrols ?

Had they not heard about desalination of sea water etc etc

Better luck next time.

There is water in the oceans to be desalinated, there is water on mars polar regions, pluto while not considered a planet is thought to be half ice, there is water in the asteroid belts. There are several nearby stars thought to have planets that have water. You can create water by combining hydrogen and oxygen in a fuel cell and as a bonus you can get electricity. If a race has mastered nanotechnology, and power generation, water is easy. Building a ship big enough to go to another galaxy and bring back enough water to supply all of humanity? I have to admit that does sound like the stupidity common in most of today's government.

Thank you guys for the feedback so far! I will take it all into consideration! It's very helpful for me to see it from other people's perspectives!

When you are writing science fiction, it's important to show that you understand the nomenclature. When you are writing on a subject that you are unfamiliar with, take the time to read up on it, to learn some terms, and even study how the subject functions or the duties of people who make the task happen.

Interstellar Distance:

Our sun and its planets are in a solar or single-star system. Bernard's Star, Alpha Centauri, and Proxima Centauri are all nearby solar systems. All of these star systems are within ten light years distance. That's close, but with our current technology, you are talking decades or even centuries of travel time - one way.

The speed of light is about 671,000,000 an hour. A light year is 58,784,998,100,000 miles. Yes, 58.7 trillion miles. Andromeda is over 2.5 million light years away. That's 58.7 trillion times 2.5 million. Hollywood uses Andromeda because it's "close." But that is relatively speaking. There are thousands of star systems closer, and millions more within the Milky Way galaxy (the one we are in). Light travels fast. Even so, it takes light from the sun a full eight minutes to reach the earth.

The future scientists would have to have some exceptional optical gear to even see a planet orbiting one of the stars in Andromeda. That's like living in Seattle and going to Madrid to get a drink of water. Thousands of towns closer, and a huge, empty expanse once you leave the Milky Way (same as crossing the Atlantic) and head to Andromeda (Spain). Most people, including many in Hollywood, don't know this basic bit of astronomy, but for those who do know a little bit, it shows you don't know your stuff. It's more plausible to say, it's seven hundred or a thousand light years away. Interstellar travel, that is, traveling from star system to star system, is a huge deal. Inter-galactic travel is off the scale in comparison. Think traveling state to state versus traveling to another continent by air or sea.

Technology and Economics:

You mention the technology putting people out of work, but not how they survived without an income or job to cover all these technological wonders. Then you introduced the shortage of fresh water. Fresh water can be made, and many Middle Eastern nations have desalinization plants that create drinkable fresh water from sea water. You can create water from oxygen and hydrogen, but currently it's prohibitively expensive in energy cost.

The situation as you describe it indicates environmental collapse. Even if they can find a world with water, transportation becomes an issue. There are, however, theories that many asteroids are huge chunks of water. Filtration systems are yet another alternative.

Politics and economics are two sides to the same coin. Politics decides who has the power. Who has the power, decides who gets the wealth. Who as the wealth has a big impact on who is in power. Obviously, those with wealth and guns will have water. Those without will be left to die.

Of course, most of this you can skip. But if you mention the causes of why something happens, I encourage you to deal with it in a realistic manner. People who read science fiction and fantasy tend to be thinkers, and they want the story to make sense within the context of the setting. Because it is science fiction or fantasy, they are looking for something to be out of the ordinary. They will also want characters they can empathize with, or at least understand.

Military protocol:

Officers are addressed as "sir." You do not ever use the word "sir" when addressing a sergeant. Sergeant are NON-commissioned officers, i.e., they are in charge of privates and corporals, but they are not officers. This is a big one. "Don't call me 'sir,' private! I WORK for a living!"

There are a LOT of veterans, and you making this mistake shows that you have not served, or were not a military brat (that's Born, Raised, And Trapped). It also shows you really don't know how the military works. Crafting a story is presenting the environment for the characters to interact in. If the environment is not believable -- in this case, it's military -- you lose readers, or at the least, impair their ability to suspend belief because they KNOW from experience what you obviously do not.

Military and sex:

No sex in the tent doesn't mean no sex. The incidence of rape among service women is much higher than civilian rates. Much higher. And over 97% of the women assaulted in Iraq and Afghanistan were attacked by fellow service men - people the women depended upon to watch out for their safety, not betray and hurt them. Many of their superiors are not trained for it, and current standards are fifty years behind civil laws and procedures. Women are often ignored or send out on patrol - sometimes with the man who did it - so the woman "would have something to get her mind off it." People trained to deal with aggression and with combat are taught to express themselves physically. That expression can be exercise and sport. But it also means their sex drives will not suppressed but expressed and it can mean expressed strongly -- unless there are serious consequences for doing so, like getting shot for it. You give no reason for why they are not having sex or what the punishment is. That is simply not believable.

You wrote:

"As she walked back to her bed, she 'innocently' flaunted her hips and tight ass to the onlooking men. Unfortunately for her, there was a strictly enforced rule in place that stated that there would be absolutely no sexual relations between soldiers inside of the tent."

So no sex in the tent. What's to stop her or the men from going over the next sand dune and drilling for oil out of sight of the tent? And if Natalia is stupid enough to flaunt her hips, she is being a cock-tease. That type of behavior rarely ends well in real life.

Role-play, rough sex, BDSM and pain stuff between consenting adults is exactly that -- between consenting adults. Rape hurts. And often still hurts long after the body heals. A woman who says no, hoping to be "taken" like some fantasy romance bodice-ripper is an air-headed idiot.

Punctuation and such:

When you speak of groups of people or non-specific organizations, you can use lower case. When you are referring to something or someone specific, capitalize the first letter because it's part of the title. Examples: "I enjoyed being in the army; the sergeants taught me many important life-skills. I am glad I served in the U.S. Army, where I met Sergeant Russo." You can write "army" when talking generically. When it is the U.S. Army, it's capped because you are talking about a specific military organization. When you speak about a specific person, such as the fictitious Sergeant Russo, the rank is capitalized; the rank is specific to him or her. Another one: I spoke to my Dad about being a dad.

Complex numbers or accepted exceptions - like military units or time - can use numerals. It's still expected to write out the word and not use the actual numeral. You wrote: In the 45 extra minutes that Natalia had, she would go for a fast 6 or 7 mile run. You should have written: In the forty-five extra minutes that Natalia had, she would go for a fast six- or seven-mile run.

In programming, punctuation goes on outside the quotes. For narrative dialog, the punctuation goes inside the quotes. In the next case, you did the punctuation almost correctly. You wrote: "You and I, we need to talk. Come with me." The sergeant said sternly.

The second sentence is a fragment, and in the context, it does not emphasize anything of importance. In writing, you can do fragments, but do so sparingly; it makes the phrase stand out because an incomplete sentence violates the rules of grammar. In the case above, you should have written: "You and I, we need to talk. Come with me," the sergeant said sternly.

See the difference? If you want to identify the speaker of the dialog, use a comma inside the quote mark, not a full-stop/period, and finish the sentence. The other dialog within the story suffers regularly from this error.

It's a rare case when someone can edit their own work. I can do a pretty good job with someone else's work, but when I read my own stuff, I know what I meant, and, well, I miss a lot of mistakes, essentially careening about with dispairing regularity. Find an editor or a reader as soon as you can. Even if they aren't great, they can help you catch some things that you yourself had missed.

Some readers will forgive a lot of mistakes if the story grabs their interest. I tend to praise because writing is work, and for me, the characters and the story trump grammar and punctuation - to a point. Becoming good takes practice and desire, and more practice. Many critics here have never put their own tales up for review. And I don't put a lot of credence to people who say they didn't like it, but not what they didn't like. And some are here to read something while they wank off, and if the genitals aren't in some orifice within three paragraphs, they are gone. Well, to those last ones, I say good riddance. If you want to write, keep at it. Look at the stories you enjoy for how the writer crafted the tale. Was it some character? A particular turn of phrase you found enjoyable?

A recommendation. Many people read a couple of stories, get the bug, and then post. I often check to see what other writers like. I check their favorites, what stories they liked. It helps give me a sense of what they enjoyed reading. In this way, I have stumbled across some good tales that I would not otherwise have read. I love to read, and so do many writers. But, I have to be careful; if a tale is long, I pick up on that style and write that way. I prefer to use my own style.

Character motivations:

Natalia seems conflicted. She wants to get away, but the presence of the ten-inch dick - combined with her prolonged celibacy - makes her wet. Argon also seems conflicted. At first, he seems to want to punish her for killing the worm-slug? Anyway, he is very aggressive, and carries her off to his cave, err, mountain-top, isolating her from the rest of the exploration team. But then he is oddly remorseful when she is injured. He is surprisingly willing to poke this alien female when she finally offers her goods. The females of Argon's species might be ... giant slugs with orifices ... ? Or the slugs might be the "child" stage of the flying angels? Natalia is an idiot for taking his seed into any orifice, as she has NO idea about the life cycle of the natives. The angel might actually be female, shooting millions of little eggs, like clams on the beach, into Natalia's body ... ? And the pupae might eat the host for food.

Final notes:

I started this list because so much at the beginning begged for feedback. At this point, I have finished the story. The only part of the long introduction is that Natalia is in the army and she's had to be celibate for several years. None of the other narrative prelude seemed to have any impact on Natalia. What lack of work or food why she joined up? Was just bored? When you introduce something, it should have a purpose.

On the overall story outline.

Maybe just begin the story from the patrol on the beach, with Natalia and Ron, exploring the shore, using maybe a paragraph or two as intro? The main gist of the story seems to be putting Argon and Natalia together for the rough sex. Because of the plot holes with the beginning, the lead-in becomes a liability, and doesn't do anything other than say why Natalia's there. She could just be helping with a planetary survey, and that's enough of a reason for her to be on the alien world where she is roughly fucked. Just a suggestion.

If you are going to follow up, I'd suggest more explanation about Argon's abilities - what is his relationship to the big worm on the shore; it did kill Ron, someone she worked beside and presumably someone Natalia cared for, even if just as a comrade in arms.

Argon keeps taking off her clothes, but is it just curiosity? How did he know how to speak English? What is the big bird that snatched her? If this is a one-off story, you can skip answering those questions, but answering them provides grist for the setting and can help foster the "otherness" of the story.

I'm tempted to give it four stars, but with the issues, I think it deserves only three as it is now. But, I don't want to ding your score further, so no rating at this point. You can edit the story, rework it, and re-post. Keep writing! Good luck!

SilverThaiGoat -

It has come to my attention that others think my feedback was a slam. There was good advice that in the future, I post feedback privately.

It is and was not my intention to discourage you from writing. Please, keep writing! It takes courage to write and to share publicly what you create.

If you dislike what I write, feel free to delete my comments. The core of your story is good. In the second half, I tried to show what I did like about your tale, and what I was curious about. I truly had no intention of putting you down personally, and if you felt that way, I offer my sincerest apology. I am sorry.

Again, please keep writing!

To TJSkywind -- I very much appreciated your feedback and didn't feel that it was a slam in any way. Thank you for taking the time to write out so much useful information. I'm already working on a full edit, and taking all of what you said into consideration. I hope that you'll take the time to read my re-post once it's completed. Thanks again!

I'll be looking for more I am not usually a fan of syfy sex but your story is very very,good keep on trucking will be waiting for more tenbears43

It's been some time since you posted. Please don't give up on writing!