All Comments on 'Our Little Secret Ch. 03'

Can he make it so that they know that he is commanding them and that they can't stop?

..and most readers would not care anyway, but as a native Estonian speaker, that literal "I can see god" google translation was the most unlikely thing in the whole story :) That's not even considering the generally low religiousness of Estonian population. I could not even imagine the most religious Estonian woman uttering these words like that in the given situation. Not that there would be anything wrong with it syntactically, but that's just not how anybody would express themselves casually. "Oh mu jumal" which is the equivalent of OMG, would be something almost believable. Claiming to see god is pretty strong statement one would expect to have intricate interest in sharing with somebody, instead of just compulsively uttering it like that, being pretty sure there would be nobody to understand it.

Finally, a MC series about a basically nice guy with the ability to control women. He's not trying to ruin lives or create a race of sluts, just a dude trying to get his rocks off in the hottest women around.

Please keep the parts coming, this is great.

During the press conference and meeting with the client in the first chapter, he made reference to telling the truth, and he sets a married woman on the "straight and narrow" when it comes to her affair.

Then, he turns around and violates as many single women as he can get away with. It's fine to have mind control, but the scene where he made the woman cry over the anal sex and blowjob takes a special kind of callousness. In this same vein, you describe several women that were dry when he tried to have sex with them. What kind of person has mind control and wouldn't at least make sure that the women are soaking wet?

To make matters worse, he takes all these pictures and makes them leave their bras. I feel like in a different story, Joel is the serial rapist, bad guy taking trophies from his victims. At least how you're writing him now, he's not a "normal guy with some new powers". He's more of a latent sociopath that can now take advantage of all the women he wants. If he's not the latter, I'd suggest writing him a conscience.

I accept that this may come off as inconsistent, but I see it as him just having a different moral compass than others. He never actually intended to force anal sex onto her, and contrary to what you might read in some stories, not everyone is sopping wet at the time of intercourse.

Furthermore, just because he's supposedly a nice enough guy doesn't mean he has to be perfect. There's grey between monster serial rapist and the holy Saint Nevertouch.

It's a touch of realism, is all. I see polarisation too often; this is a nice contrast. Still, it will be interesting to see what happens if these avenues are explored.

Thanks everyone for your comments. As you will understand in future chapters, there are indeed polarities within Joel's character, as Synapsis mentioned. Joel is by no means perfect. He is not a saint, and not a devil, but as you can see, he has elements of both.

I do not get into safe sex scenes. fantasy is fantasy, not an ad on TV like The More You Know. I also thought the sex scenes were comparatively short compared to all the detail in the rest of the story. Otherwise, believably written.

Agree - what is the purpose of condoms in fantasy? Especially since he is - unsafely - switching pussies anyway without changing condoms, which I like.

Otherwise great story!

It was okay, when he didn't understand what was going on although sex with automations is boring. However, once it became simple rape, it became unnaceptable, at least to me. The mind control category is difficult to navigate, but it can be done more delicately: you have failed here.

So he turns from someone who takes care of wounded passengers into a cold blooded rapist? Weird inconsitency, bad storytelling, horrible chapter

Just correcting some autocorrect mistakes...

This story is great, keep it coming, and do not worry about people saying this is rape or whatever, because they can never realize that it is all just fantasy.

I very nearly gave up on this story. I found this chapter the worst kind of mc, with no redeeming qualities. Only that you can write well kept me going. I suspect many readers dropped out without finishing.

But for those who get at least this far, maybe if you had put the first scene of the next chapter in as the last scene of this one, it would provide a cliffhanger. You would maybe have to edit down to make room but that would be no bad thing.

I liked the next chapter so much I had to come back to say this.

Pure rape.

from a nice guy to a jerk.

hero who is basically selfish and nasty with all women?? ... spoils the story

So he's turned from a good guy into basically a serial rapist.

I thought he had already found a place to rent in the last chapter?