All Comments on 'Our Story'

Love it! My only suggestion besides continuing it is to differentiate between each person's narrative- different font or mark with an initial, name, pronoun when you switch. It took me a few stop and starts to follow the flow of an otherwise good and realistic story.

..for the suggestions and continuing to read despite having to start and stop:):)

The moment I see a story written in the 1st-2nd person perspective, I just completely discontinue reading. It annoys me and I think a lot of other readers too.

Why? I just can't project the author to be the main character. It's like reading the author's own life experience. There is no detachment of personality and therefore, I cannot simply feel any compassion or empathy with the characters in the story.

For that, any story written in this perspective automatically gets a 1-star from me.

This has a great deal of potential for a great read but the first person perspective has to go. It would be great if you could re-write it in 3rd person.

-Rick

Bear with me. I posted in the forum an interest in a possible collboration (of sorts) with a female author to write a story of mine but from the female character's pov.

Not too long after, I discovered an author's tumblr page, and I really liked the content. I found it quite relatable. I looked up her profile and discovered she did a collaberation with another author, where she wrote for the female character.

Not too long after that, I find this story, which is essentially two stories, each written from the two character's pov. Tonight is proving verying interesting. Is it a sign? I don't know.

At risk of sounding self-important, perhaps I can comment on your story with some... slight authority.

I think I wrote a poem in that style quite some time ago, so it's a concept that is not new to me. Of course, the poem was quite a bit more compact, so it was less... of a chore to read.

When I first started reading it, I was put off by the lengths of the paragraphs, but once I understood what you were doing, I understood the... convenience of it.

One thing that did bother me was the frequent repitition of phrases WITHIN the paragraphs. I have to watch myself to make sure I don't end up doing that in my own work. I get caught up in the mind of the character, and I don't think about the what the reader might be going through.

I'm afraid I cannot offer any real "fix" for the problems. What my forum post proposes is an actual independant companion story. Yours is basically two companion stories meshed. That is far more complex.

Perhaps the solution lies in trimming the repetitions within the paragraphs, but also somwhat rewording the repeated actions of the paired paragraphs, so that it feels less like the reader is having to read a paragraph twice.

Maybe also break up the pragraphs into normal writing structure, but break up the segments with something that would tell the reader that they are about to change pov.

As for the content of the story, it did manage to keep me engaged, but it didn't make me think, 'this is good stuff'. Perhaps because it is simply a fragment of a greater story, as you mention.

Anyway. Over all, I give it 3 stars, because I think it does have potential to be something outstanding, but it does need a lot of work.

I enjoyed the building sexual tension between the two lovers leading to their loss of self control. The lengthy paragraphs and switch in PoV did hamper the flow of the narrative. Nonetheless 4 stars.

I tend to disagree with some of the other comments. I often find first-person narratives to be more intimate. I'd prefer to know what the character is thinking not some omniscient narrator. For me, the author is just as intrusive in third person, if not more so. If the characters are well written, I have no problem inhabiting 'their' thoughts not the authors. Even in the third person, if the characters are nothing more than mouthpieces for the author, the story won't work, for me at least.

Shifting first person narrative is even trickier. I agree, clues as to whose head we're in can be helpful. Having said that, I enjoyed the story enough to pay attention. Well done. I look forward to more, whether this story or others.

I appreciate first person stories; more of the author is available, even in fiction. This one started off well. I even know a couple where this was close to true. But there were some odd jumps that I can't reconcile. You apparently attempt to jump from first person female to first person male and back (I think). If done right, it's a brilliant thing. Unfortunately, I can't grab the points at which the perspective changes. As a reader I have to work much harder than expected to figure out what you are doing. You've plotted a good piece, and for that you deserve credit. Write more!

I love the intimacy and feel of your story and am left wanting more.

I love when two people who probably shouldn't be together just have an undeniable attraction and unquenchable desire and just lose control. Well done!

I really liked this. I'm a sucker for stories where we get to see both characters' perspectives. I like how it was written and thought the plot was interesting. Mutual pining and loss of control is a... thing for me.

The only suggestion I would make if you were to continue this one day would be to use italics for one person's POV and leave the other character's POV in normal font. That would just help with the flow. But I would definitely read more of this. Well done!

I have tried to write, telling the story from both perspectives. It's not easy to do without getting boring. Good job!

You write very well, keep edging us on. I hope someday you write more.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. I can't wait for your next one. For some reason, it won't let me give you 5 stars, or any stars for that matter.

I loved your story. It reminds me of someone I felt that way about for many, many years. Thanks for posting it.

Very well done! I love the double sided story. That is a hard way to write.

PS. Thank you for your comments on two of mine. I am keeping it going. There is a third chapter and a fourth pending!

Wow! So intense.

wow - such a unique way of telling about this intense desire and the whole experience! Really unique, yes, I do repeat the word! I do feel a closeness to this author, and though my writing style is quite different, we have a lot in common in the feelings and responses. Love it!

May we read more please?

Reminded me of someone in my past a long list passion

Very skillfully written,

Thank you

I really like the shifting of perspectives, and the passion between them. It is absolutely the feelings of two people who have a strong past and a lasting desire for each other.

I liked the 2 sides and how they felt. Both of us have had an experience earlier in life and it all came back reading this. With me, it was an opportunity with a college lover at our class reunion and with his wife's approval to sleep with him for 3 nights. It was wonderful!

Masterfully done! By so skillfully presenting the thoughts and emotions of both parties you have crafted an exquisite reveal of love. Heart achingly beautiful and intense erotica. Perfection.

I loved it! I will admit that initially I was confused by the two perspectives. Once I realized what you'd done and started over there was still some confusion, but even that intrigued me. Thanks for writing and for sharing your talent with us!

Just found your stories. I hope you’re still reading comments. You attempted something very tricky with the the point of view here, and think it adds immediacy and intimacy to the story. Well donex

I can't explain how much I needed to read this today. Loved it!

I was intrigued to find out who bluorchd is. I am glad I did. You write extremely well. You should write more. Much more.

Thank you all so much for your comments. Rereading this took me back:):)

I may actually start writing a follow-up soon. Suggestions welcome!!

Excellent and well crafted

I've never read a story written this way... I could FEEEEEL it. All the stars ;)

That was beautiful - I love the narration from both points of view but both feeling the same thing. Amazing - great work!