Out of Bounds

Isabel felt the guilt of how she was walking away once again. "She's so brave," Isabel thought. "More so than me, that's for sure." As much as she wanted to keep justifying herself, Isabel stopped herself. Rachel deserved more than that. She felt tears of her own starting to come.

"Chelle, I have enjoyed every moment with you. You are a special person and it has been amazing. I wish you only the best. Thank you too for everything," Isabel told her. She leaned down and gave Rachel a kiss. At first, it was just tender but it grew in passion with both of them clinging desperately to one another. Finally, it ended. Still they stayed together, arms locked. Rachel buried her head against Isabel's chest and she felt Isabel resting her chin on the top her head. It felt so nice. She wished they could just stay like that but it hurt too. It was going to end and she would rather not draw it out. Her arms let go of Isabel and she slowly pulled away. Isabel didn't let go so readily and her arms stretched as their bodies separated.

"Enjoy the rest of the day skiing and please tell Cheryl and Amanda goodbye. I enjoyed meeting them, despite it all," Isabel said as she walked to the car door. Rachel had taken her hand again. Just as Isabel reached to open the door, she felt a tug from Rachel. She turned and looked back at her.

"I have something for you," Rachel said and reached into her pocket for a slip of paper. "It's my contact stuff; my phone number, email address, ..." She paused and looked into Isabel's face. "And my home address." She pushed it into Isabel's hand. "I want you to have them. If you ever change your mind." She saw a briefest flash of apprehension pass over Isabel's face. "I understand. And I don't want yours. I'm not going to stalk you. I won't call you. This is your decision. I'm not going to try and change your mind, now or later. But if you do, you have it."

Isabel's fingers felt lifeless as they held the paper. The tears slid down her face a little harder. "Rachel, you'll find someone right for you."

Rachel just looked at her. Isabel could hear the words that were unspoken. She felt them like daggers. Turning away, she opened the door and got into her car. She wanted to breakdown and cry but she couldn't do that in front of Rachel. Backing out of her parking space gave Isabel a little bit of composure. It was enough that before starting to drive away, she could look at Rachel. She was still standing and looking the same way. Isabel raised her hand and gave a little wave. A forlorn little smile appeared on her face and then she gave Isabel a wave back.

As she drove away, Isabel just tried to keep her attention on the road. There were potholes and ice patches to avoid, anything to distract her from looking back in the mirror. Just before the road turned, she could not help looking back. Rachel was still standing there. It was too far to see if the smile was still there but Isabel guessed it wasn't.

Looking over at the seat beside her, she saw the slip of paper there. Rachel's delicate handwriting was visible. Isabel looked back at the road.

"I already have."

Isabel knew those were the words that Rachel wouldn't say. But she wasn't. She couldn't be. Rachel had her whole life ahead of her. She needed someone else. Someone younger. But Isabel couldn't lie to herself either. She was too scared to try. It was one thing to have a fling away from her world. No matter how wonderful Rachel was, she would not fit in Isabel's world. People would laugh at her.

She acknowledged the voice in the back of her head that called her chicken for not even trying. "Fine, I'm chicken," Isabel said aloud. It didn't change things.

Isabel looked over at the slip of paper again. As she reached out for it, she felt her stomach clench and the tears come again. Still it did not stop her from crumpling up the paper. Isabel felt the little wad balled up in the palm of her hand. For a few moments, she held it that way and then she reached behind the passenger seat to find the garbage bag that was hanging there. Her hand pushed its way in but Isabel still didn't open it. She just drove like that. Finally, with a deep sigh, she spoke again. "Let her go." She let her fingers open and felt it fall away. Using the hand to wipe away her tears, she tried to focus on the drive home.

It seemed like a much longer drive than usual.