All Comments on 'Out of the Whiteness Ch. 01'

You did very good on this chapter and hope to see more soon . I will have to look up this other writer and read some of his stuff . I really love a good mind control story add the incest and that's a bonus .This is a hot story . Thanks for the tale .

Reading this was very fatiguing. The repeated cut-and-paste destroys whatever it is you're trying to say. It makes it look like a student trying to pad a paper.

but could use a bit more detail in chapter 2

Not a bad start, hope it gets better in chapter 2!

I appreciate your comments and thank you for leaving them. None of my stories are a wham bam sex happens variety of tale. There is always a considerable amount of setup involved. And one chapter leads to the next. Therefore, I needed this first chapter to get to the second. I hope this explanation helps. Thanks again.

Thanks for your support. Caesar was a great writer and well worth reading if you like this genre. From what I have been able to deduce, he is a Canadian and did most of his writing at an early age. I hope he is still out there somewhere and still writing. If he sees my tale, I would hope he would let me know. Thanks, again, Nels.

Great start looking forward to the next chapter, soon please.

I did not like your comment but I am happy you made it. A difference of opinion is always worth posting. Hence my reply to you.

In none of my works have I ever resorted to cutting and pasting. Every single word entered on a page is unique to that particular paragraph. There is no cutting and pasting.

Unless, you are referring to my starting a new chapter with the cutting and pasting of the final chapter's paragraph preceding it. That is simply to remind readers where we had left off. That is not meant to be construed as original and I am sure everyone who reads it understands that point. However, since this is the first chapter, there was nothing to highlight from any previous chapter.

Which leaves us with the original bone of contention, I do not and did not cut and paste anything in this chapter.

Thank you.

I enjoyed the prelude...look forward to the fleshing out of your thoughts. Keep up the fine work!!!

I look forward to seeing sequels of this.

Thanks for your support. Chapter 2 is in the submission queue and 3 is about half written. Thanks, again.

What in the actual fuck were you thinking or were you not thinking when you kept ending every paragraph with that annoying ass "very tiring" line?

Very, very fatiguing

I liked the concept but I wish the kid wasn't an obnoxious tool.

I'm wondering if this story would have been better off placed in the Mind Control category instead of Incest/Taboo? The only sex that occurred was the handjob by Becky and the blowjob by the old nurse so no incest whereas the main emphasis was being able to tell people what to do by thinking it in other words Mind Control.

Not bad for an opening. The intro was kinda long and maybe this was mislabeled in the incest category but this has possibilities to be very good. Probably want to back off on the mom early on once he has his wits about him but I like where this is going.

Can he read thoughts or did you suddenly swap to the the third person when writing what the doctor thought? That aside; 'very fatiguing' who would use that? Very tiring, yes! Why is your main character a dislikable arsehole? Personally, I would put his outbursts down to his just waking up and make him far less "Mucho Macho Pig". The premise of the story is fine, but IF the main character is an insensitive dweeb - who will want to read it!

Not going to score it down, because I think you could redeem it with more sensitivity.

Good start, I would agree with the others that this first episode is more mind control, but it's also clearly the setup for an incest series so it's fine. Can't wait to see what he thinks around his sister.

As for the "Very fatiguing" line, I think I get what you were trying to do. Show that his power takes a toll on him physically, but no one likes repetition. Next time maybe give him more complex thoughts about the fatigue.

Its a good start and cant wait to see where u take it. At the start you said it base on anther story or at least a common themed just wanted to know if you could let me know the name of said story

Thanks for your comment. I haven't read it lately but I believe the title was The Power and the author was Caesar. I hope you check it out, it is a good read.

Thank you for the comment. I believe this story is exactly where it belongs. It is an incest story that involves mind control.

I can't imagine a 19 year old waking up after a ten month coma with these strange powers and him not being an obnoxious tool. Perhaps he will become less obnoxious as time progresses. That is part of the character's development.

I hope you follow the series in order to see where he goes.

Thanks again for commenting.

If you have read any of my previous stories, you would realize I don't just jump right into the sex. The development of the characters and the circumstances that lead up to the sex are paramount in my opinion. As for the "Fatiguing" issue, I use that to imply a passage of time. It is a literary technique. I would suggest if you are looking for a different approach, I am not the author for you.

But thanks for commenting even if you did make it too personal.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I always look for your opinions.

As you know, I never rush into things. I like time to develop characters and situations. I think this could have been labelled as mind control or incest. I went for the incest category as I believe that will be the prevailing theme through the story.

Thanks again.

Thank you for the comment. This chapter was meant to develop characters and plot. Part of the development was our obnoxious turd learning bit by bit what were the limits of his powers. There was no sudden awakening and a holy crap moment where the kid discovers all his new abilities in one fell swoop. At the moment, I am not sure myself what are the limits of his abilities. I'm looking forward to finding out. Again, thanks for reading and commenting.

I'm glad you took the time to read and comment on my story. I think I wrote something intriguing and appealing. I have received more comments on this initial chapter than I have ever received before. People are responding, by way of their comments, and showing they have actually thought about what I have written. Thanks again for your support.

I like the pace and plot line. Different from anything else I've read, and I'm definitely forward to future chapters.

As he emerges from the coma, slowly learning where he is and why, so do we.

The format has my curiosity but I wish he wasn't so rude and manipulative.

Thanks for the compliments and for your comment. Chapter 2 has just been published. I am interested in what you think of it.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Personally, I wouldn't like our hero at this point either. I am interested in seeing how he develops. I have no particular path in my writings. I simply allow my imagination to develop the character, often surprising me. Thanks, again.

I tried to read it. Very fatiguing.

If you tired then go to sleep and sleep the sleep of babies, dead cat babies.

LMAO! Thanks for having my back. I'm also very pleased that you enjoyed the story. Let me know what you think after reading chapter 2.

At least that person commented on the story while you commented on them daring to have their own opinion.

I didn't mean to argue with his daring to comment. I have really enjoyed the comments and debates this chapter has brought forward.

But I don't like personal attacks on me as with the anonymous reader who called me retarded because he didn't like a specific device I used. That just aint right.

I'll try to be more open minded in the future. Thanks for bringing this character flaw to my attention.

Please remember the rule of three when writing. When something is mentioned once it can easily be forgotten, twice and it has a good chance of being remembered, three times and it will likely be remembered without being annoying. You passed the magic number and all the moments of fatigue became annoying.

I can understand the desire of a tag line or catchphrase, but putting it at the end of so many paragraphs would only work in poetry where you are attempting to establish a rhythm and you use that line as the beat. In a story in breaks the flow you're creating, annoying your readers.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll keep the rule of three in mind for the future.

"I was in a coma... So, from now on, you will lick me, fuck me and suck me." (works for me)

Five stars, naturally.

Is there any other way? LOL.

Thanks for reading and enjoying as well as commenting.

I gave this one star for one reason, your protagonist couldn't stop calling the doc chump. Like WTF, the dudes job is to literally make sure he is in good health and your character was a total fucking asshole, FOR NO REASON. Like wtf was up with that??

One star for condoning negativity towards health staff. In the UK one National Health Service staff member gets assaulted every 8 min. Ever think that the doc saved the characters life? Ever think that the doc knows just a bit more than a teen who thinks that cruising the streets with a car full of guys is cool and fun?

So sorry that the doc was just treating the character as he would ANY OTHER coma patient. Also you went into catheter details, got some right, got some wrong and then got the whole premise wrong. Yes a balloon inflated with saline holds the catheter in. However since the tube goes all the way up the urethra and PAST the bladder sphincter the patient will NEVER feel a full bladder, ever. This is because the urine is drained as soon as it enters the bladder. Also holding onto a piss is clenching the bladder sphincter and since it is being held open by the tube it can’t be closed ie: that’s the whole idea.

So leave out the details unless you get them ALL correct. You are writhing porn no a text book so you don’t need all the details unless you can get them right.

Fuck who you want, do almost whatever you want. Only a CUNT abuses the guy who looked after you for a year when you were defenceless. Even your “mates” deserted you.

I thought the story tried to re-create the experience of being in a coma by it's repetitious notations of tiredness. I think I felt the same frustration as your character. I attributed the "chump" to a youthful exuberance with these amazing powers; how would this character react to a sudden discovery of mental powers? Maybe like this. As admirable as medical personnel are (along with so many other people), I did not believe the immature words were trying to be hurtful to the doctor. Instead it says something about your protagonist's state of mind. He certainly has no motivation to hurt anyone.

About the story: I really enjoyed it. I feel you put a lot of thought into recreating the character's state of mind to give me some insight into being in a coma and then awakening with powers.

This is my second reading of your story. I wish I could rate it again, as I think now I have a deeper understanding of it. The site likely won't allow me to identify myself because i don't know my password, but my name here is grabmyballs2.

Thanks for your insightful comments. I'm glad you got the point about the doctor being called a chump.

Having had a catheter in me and having inserted many into men as a career, I think I know what I am talking about. Most men's comments are that their bladder feels full yet they are unable to urinate. It is a feeling they have despite urine dripping into the collection bags even while they are making the comment. The men that are sedated or otherwise often pull on their catheters as they feel they are a hindrance to urinary function.

As for the doctor being a chump, get real! This is a kid. As Grabmyballs points out the kid is not threatening the doc or even hinting at it. He just feels the doc is proving to be another hindrance to him. I, as a matter of fact, truly admire those in the medical profession.

All that being said, I will give no further consideration to your comments, since you don't know what you are talking about. Join my fantasy or not. Just don't try to ruin it for others.

Very fatiguing, chump

Love the story so far! The kid does seem like a mannerless jerk though, lol. Maybe not having a dad around to help a probably overworked mom raise him left him with a shitty compass, lol. Hope he improves in the next chapter!

...chump, no doubt about it.

You may be trying to drag out his 'development' or something, but the whole (larger) goal is to get people to turn the page, not put the 'book' down.

If your protagonist (no possible way to call him a 'hero') is such a jerk that readers are active rooting AGAINST him, that might turn people off.

The lack of sex in the chapter wasn't the problem. The lack of manners and common decency in your lead are.

I am out.

Interesting start. I would think that the subject of this story would be more interested in using his mental power on introspection of self instead of broadcasting his thought. Having been in coma, sex was not the 1st nor 30th thing on my mind. Hopefully, main character will turn out to be more mature and responsible than his current fisplay. If he does not, it is a shame he survived.

Liked the story so far but no incest 4 stars