All Comments on 'Outsiders Pt. 01'

Cool :)

Well done, keep going.

A good story !

I love this! A brilliant story - I am really looking forward to the next part :)

Amazing story. Very professionally well written and edited. I love the content and the setup. I even like how you were able to reveal the WHY behind the setup at the end. It could have stood on its on, but I hope you continue through a bit longer.

My only small beef was the excessive flashbackery in the final pages. I think you could have cut it and left things a bit more mysterious and have them leak out in the next chapter. Still, I don't mind the "backstory as necessary exposition" as I was curious.

Your morally centered main character was a refreshing change from most alphas. You had well developed secondary characters that stood out as unique and differentiated.

A nice start

waiting for more

More more more more more more more more

Keep it up!

I love it! Please don't stop.

Another great story. Hope this story progress better than A Cup Angst which is slowly deteriorating to a B rated movie from an A rated one( well its hard to put it in logical phrasing). But I still hope you can finish A Cup Angst. Every writer will come upon a writer's block. But its good that you don't dwell on it and try other stuff.

Dino

I really like the overall premise of the story, and mechanically, it's very well written - that's to say, it reads quite smoothly. I was never confused about what was happening, and if there were typos, I don't remember them.

However, I think it could have used a bit more editing. There was a lot of repetition, especially in Ben's inner monologue. The fourth time he dwells between acting in a not-perfectly-good manner and his mother's sense of morals, I started to get bored, and impatient. I think what you were trying to communicate was the mental struggle Ben was going through, but repeating the same thing doesn't get that job done, and it starts to feel like telling, rather than showing.

At first I thought Susan was erribly written, but then it comes out that she's an actual psychopath, and it all feels a little justified. I don't know if I quite believe how insanely stubborn she is even given her condition, but it's somewhat alleviated.

There's another issue with how that section was written. As Susan and Ben have their confrontation, Ben has long recollections about how horrible Susan is and about how amazing Ben could be if Susan in the way. This is the worst kind of telling; telling me about how good the protagonist is and how bad the antagonist is. And again, there's the issues of repetition and the fact that these blocky paragraphs are interrupting short bits of conversation between every set of speaking lines. Susan speaks for herself.

This could be really, really good. Cut away the fat, cut out the repetition. Trust the reader to get the point the first time you make it. Summarizing parts of the narration is fine, but I don't want the villain to be summarized. I want to see them physically kick the dog so that my thinking and emotion about them comes not from what you tell me about them, but arises naturally from who they are as a character.

I gave this part 4 stars and will look out for the next installment.

Thank you for your lovely praise and your constructive criticisms! I am currently rewriting the second installment with them in mind! It'll be submitted for publication next week.

As far as A-Cup Angst is concerned, I don't have writer's block, I've mapped out the final two chapters and started to write the penultimate one but, as I've already written on my profile, it just doesn't feel fun writing it right now. My group's campaign ended and the forfeit gave me the chance to do something more fun, so I'm doing it. The penultimate chapter of A-Cup Angst is, like, half-finished and I can't say when it'll be done. Probably in the spring. All I can tell you is that I WILL finish it, despite all the hatemail I get as feedback for every new chapter.

This is my hobby and I'm sure you can understand that I don't want to spend what little free time I have forcing myself to sit down and write how Nova's tactical protocols bypass the former slave girls' attempts to use it against its creator and lure him into a trap that will result in the end of the world. (Whoopsie, spoilers! and yes, they didn't destroy a sentient computer, they merely took it apart for study)

Plus, I'm the DM of our next campaign and writing up bad guys and adventures takes up a lot of my time!

Great story. Loved the changes to Susan! Have never heard a woman's parts called a "squishy box" before, though!!! More entertaining than erotic.

Took waay too long to start this series, and for that I apologize.

If only I had been reading this I might have known a month ago something that injects joy inside my brain: She's alive. (So you say, you say.) Anyways, enough focusing on the past, instead let's focus on the past:

Another story that I'm liking from you. Interesting concept and starter. Definitely has some room to move and I'm interested in where you're going to take this. I'm going to stop myself from gorging on the other 2 chapters for tonight at least, just to reacclimatize myself.

Random ooc comment: Any thoughts on PF?

And having a lot of fun!

Though (as a fellow player) I'd love to work through the spell list, I definitely understand why (as a fellow DM) you are only revealing them as needed.

A pretty excellent premise for the 'how' and 'why' of the plot. I am of course worried about how badly Krista is going to mess him over, as it seems that is pretty much all she knows how to do. She'll probably stick around long enough to figure out how to properly use him for her purposes.

Raven adds an interesting element, it would appear that she either asked for augmented reasoning or she was just a rather clever girl to start with. I wonder at the possibility of Raven pairing up with Ben and having a much more enjoyable sex life, though that could ... anyways, we'll see.

Simon doesn't strike me as much of a long term enemy. His shortsightedness has already been well documented. People who lash out in violent anger at their only allies are not exactly stable, and without power he's mostly just another abusive shithead. We'll see, maybe you'll show a more cunning side of the bastard soon. Or maybe Simon would make a very nice goldfish... my fav use of Baleful Poly on enemies I disliked. +4 st kiss my arse ;)

In any case the story is a lot of fun, great job with the details!

J

to fix his phone?

Otherwise, his moral qualms make him a very good guy. But I expect he will use lawyerly logic to get recompense while treading the apparent high road and feeling OK about it.

Made even better by the fact that I play tabletop RPGs. This is an excellent story, well written and edited. He could be a touch less angsty but I get where it's coming from. Thank you for sharing!

Superb writing. Keep it up

D & D i have not thought about that in a while. Interesting start i really like that this MC is a human and not some sex crazed maniac like a lot of other stories. He actually thinks about others and how his actions will affect them. I would like to see more done with Susan. I am interested to see if/how Krista plays him. good start so far!

I really like you’re writing but I find Ben really an unbearable character so I stopped reading halfway the story.

this ben is a deeply unlikable character. tried to give it a chance to see if there would be some character growth but no. the author needed to write a character that conflates being pathetic with good, as if being pathetic is what it means to be a good person.