All Comments on 'Overlooked Bride Ch. 01'

Bianca sounds interesting. She is very enterprising, intelligent and, apparently, beautiful. Makes one wonder what Joe's problem was.

I normally enjoy your work a lot, but this story's dialog reads like "Gilmore Girls" -- glib, cutesy, and artificial. So I have trouble relating to the characters. I hope I am a small minority and your other readers enjoy this, but I honestly could not finish it.

Sorry.

Good start, looking forward to the next installment!

So far pretty good, as far as the story line goes, but a bit choppy. You need either a proof reader, or a grammer checker, because I found some of the typos and spellings a bit jarring. I generally put up with one or two, but there were a bit too many for it to make an easy read for me.

I think my biggest problem is that it is a bit too choppy.

I would have given the story a 5 if it had not contained a significant amount of grammar and typo errors. I like the characters and the direction it is taking. Please do not let it get bogged down into a soapy.

Unfortunately, there were so many writing, punctuation, and grammatical errors in the first few paragraphs that I gave up. I'm sure there's an entertaining story in there, but it really needs to be significantly scrubbed and edited...

You poor, poor critics who can't see the wood for the trees. I feel sorry for you.

At the same time I apologize for any needless errors.

needs a lot of work to smoothen it on many fronts.

- typos, language, style, flow

All the best

I agree about needing some editing - but that really makes no difference to the story for me. The story seems solid, but the characters just don't seem beleiveable. There's no real character developement, and the dialogue just seems aritificial. Also, the story jumps quite a bit.

A good story overall - could be great with the right touching up.

I liked the syntax of your story, it is individually yours, as well as the characters thought process. wit in a raw form as I would describe it. i like it!

takes away from story & makes it hard 2 follow