Passion of Erika Christensen Ch. 01

"You ought to tell us more about it," Keri said. "I'm sure you have some great stories."

"She does," Alicia agreed. "I know some of them."

"Not all, though. Even I can't recall all the details." Erika sighed as they headed through the door. Clarke, the club's hulking black bouncer, nodded at them, then indicated a cab parked at the curb. Sun's almost here, Erika noted, looking at the gray sky. The crowd's gone away, except for a few people. God, I need some sleep. "It's like any set of memories. You recall an overview more than anything, except when it comes to the most important points. And even with those..."

"You should tell us more about what shaped you," said Evan. "For someone who's just starting out in this, who wants to get involved, it might help."

Erika frowned. "I thought your parents were..."

"They are," Evan said. "But they've never told me much about it other than the basic facts. They said I had to find my own way. I'm doing well so far, I think, but if I could find a teacher like you found Geena..."

Erika grinned, seeing what her new friend was getting at. Then she took a breath. "There's just so much that's happened, so much I've done. I have trouble keeping track of it sometimes. You have to follow the progression to fully understand it, and even then... It was all cool, though. I know that."

"We understand if you're not ready to talk," said Keri. "Just please do tell us sometime."

"I will," Erika promised, looking at the cab. She smiled in recognition at the driver as he opened the door for them. "Hey, Frank. Nice to see you again."

"You as well," Frank Martin replied. He then walked around the cab and got back behind the wheel. "Where can I take you?"

The actresses piled into the backseat, huddling close. Alicia slammed the cab door, then gave their destination. They looked at each other again as the driver headed off, giving each other pleased expressions and trying to hide their fatigue. It's been a long night, Erika thought. It's good that we're spending the rest of it and today together. We'll have to be careful again starting tomorrow, though. Our director can't know about this. Dane's also coming in tonight, and if he finds out... no, he can keep a secret, Erika. You know that. Don't worry. Your little brother may be a dweeb sometimes, but he's a good guy. You shouldn't tell him about this, but if he finds out- and he might, since you're all in the same movie- just play it safe. It'll be alright. He already knows a few things about your relationships anyway.

Not everything, though, Erika added to herself. I've never told anyone everything. There's still so much I don't fully understand, even though I've lived through it. So much has shocked me, swept over me so fast and hard. I'm not sure I could put it into words, not the way Evan wants me to. I could try, but it wouldn't be easy. Not that anything ever really is.

To make any sense of it all, I would need to go back three years. Back to the night it all started...

***

Winter 2000. Los Angeles, CA.

"I want to have sex," the young man on the movie screen said, "and then do a hit as we're both cumming."

The young girl facing him shrugged. "Okay." She reached out and took the offered pipe. Among the audience watching the film, a girl who was and was not the girl on screen clenched her teeth as she looked on.

Stop, Erika Christensen reminded herself. You know how this plays out. You read the script so many times, and you acted it too. You just got through playing Caroline's part a month ago. You know she gets what she deserves, and that jerk up there with her does too. You shouldn't be so worried.

But I am, she told herself, looking down at her body and then up at Caroline's as her character shared a smoke with the young man and then fell back on the bed, the screen going dark blue as he moved in. They kissed and shook a bit, then it faded out.

We never really touched each other, Erika reminded herself. It seems graphic, but it's not. None of it's real. It was all just acting. I never felt anything for Topher- I've never liked people who insist on going by weird names and he's too full of himself for someone so young in the business. Caroline of course didn't feel anything for his character either. She only wanted the drugs. Nothing else was in her mind. I feel such pity towards her, such anger. I want to reach out to her, yell at her to stop what she's doing, to... I guess I really acted her part well.

She looked at her parents, who were sitting beside her at the test screening. Both looked even more surprised than she was by her performance. Her father's hands were tight on the arms of his seat, his face trying to keep emotion locked in. He looks just like Michael Douglas will a few scenes later, Erika thought. And Mom's worse. She's been dabbing at her eyes every time I've come on, just as she is now. I wanted people to feel this way, but... Stop it, Erika. You did great. You put yourself aside and lived the role, just as you always knew you could. You defied so many people's expectations of you when you played Caroline. Your parents didn't want you to do it, but you knew you had to. You convinced them, Steven Soderbergh helped. This film is going to be so important, it has such social value, it's going to win so many awards, do so well. It's....

She shook her head and looked over towards the film's director. Steven Soderbergh was sitting a few rows away, wearing a proud contented look. That's how I should be feeling, Erika thought. I worked as hard on this film as he did, we all did, and now it's done. I hope it's going to win awards, even though I never expect them. It was so tough stepping into Caroline's part, forgetting about who I was and playing the roles of the addicts I met and talked to about this. I did a truly daring thing for the first time with this role- yes, I've acted a lot and even flirted with crime on screen a bit, but never like this. I've never gone to these extremes before. These are my first lovescenes too- and I did them at such a young age. I did so much in this role I've never done. I did drugs, even though I've never touched a cigarette. I had sex, when in real life I've only kissed guys so far. I needed my parents' consent for the role- if I had been able to wait just a few months, I wouldn't have had to get it, but this script came when it did. We argued so much over it, I was so glad when they finally agreed to let me do it, but now I just feel... nothing.

No, she snapped at herself, you do feel something. You sympathize with Caroline, you were her. You put it all across- every emotion you got to know from the people talked to about the role- and now it's done. Look at yourself. You did great!

Then why do I feel this way? Erika thought. Why do I feel so lost?

It's Caroline's attraction, she answered herself, still thinking about her character even though it was no longer on screen. You can't help but feel drawn to her, even though she's making so many mistakes. That's what your parents are worried about, what everyone's worried about when it comes to drugs. You know better than to get involved with them for real- they know that. You handled the part of an addict well and might do it again someday, but you'll keep it confined to screen. Still, though... I almost want Caroline's crutches. I almost want to do what she's doing to get over the bad things in my life. The disappointment, the angst, the fear. I can't, I know I shouldn't, I saw so much pain in the addicts I talked to about this role, but still...

She pushed her thoughts away and smiled as Benicio del Toro's character came on. Such a great actor, Erika thought, and a handsome man. Too bad we never shared the stage together. I got to talk to him a lot during production, though. We became friends. Maybe now that I'm eighteen, and I've moved out on my own, we could... Stop it, Erika. He's fifteen years older than you. Benicio's also not interested in you, he never showed you a hint that he was. Still... she looked around for Benicio, but couldn't find him in the dark theater. Stop it, she ordered herself. Just calm down and watch the movie.

Taking her own command, she settled back in her seat, trying to smile as the film went on. It was hard, though. Caroline's done so much I haven't done, Erika thought. She was able to, where I haven't been. I'm not her, I don't want to be her, but... Again she looked at her parents, reminding herself they'd stood by her all throughout the filming, just as they had through her career so far and would continue to. Even if she someday made them feel worse than they did now. She looked past them to her brothers Nick, Brando, and Dane. All were riveted in their seats, a mixture of pride and fear on their faces. These are my family, Erika thought. I love them, and they love me. Because of them, I will never become like Caroline, never fall into her trap. I'm glad I have them, and that they let me show others what can happen if you don't. I can't be Caroline, I'm so disappointed in her, our lives are so different, but...

I know what I have to do now, Erika told herself. This role's shown me things I've been struggling with all my life. I won't seek the shelter Caroline does from such things- I can't- but I will get what I want from life. I must. I've already begun planning it. And soon...

She smiled at her family. Thank you, she thought towards them. Thank you for bringing me to this moment. I'm glad we've come this far, that you've helped me so much. I'm also glad I won't need your permission to do what I have to next.

***

"I want to have sex."

"What?"

"I want to have sex," Erika repeated, smiling at the young darkhaired man sitting next to her on the couch. Mark Matthews was from her neighborhood. She'd known him growing up and they'd always been friends even though she'd been home-schooled while he'd attended St. Anthony's. They often spent time with each other, and had gone out together several times in the past few years. It wasn't hard making this decison, Erika grinned as she thought back. Mark's cute, smart, and nice, and I know he likes me. He's well-read, just like I am. I know he'll know what to do here. We've come close to it before, and we're ready. I planned this whole thing out, came over to his house on a rainy Saturday night when his parents were out of town after I cleared my schedule. I've been eighteen almost three months now, and he just turned eighteen two days ago. This is his present, and mine too. I know I want it. I must have it.

"Why?" Mark asked, pushing up his thin glasses as he looked at her and frowned. "I've never put pressure on you, you know that. There's so much else in our lives, and we don't need to..."

"I had sex onscreen," Erika cut him off. She'd already thought this through in her mind. He could not protest now. "It was fake, and done for the wrong reasons. I didn't like it."

Mark stared at her. "And you think if you have real sex," he said after a moment, "and it's good, it will make that go away?"

"No," she shook her head. "It will lessen it a bit, though, and that's what I want. You have to understand, Mark. All my life I've been told to stay true to myself, flow and live. I want to do that, but the way my life has gone..." She searched for a metaphor to illustrate her thoughts to him. "You know that poem you wrote the essay on last year? The one you read to me? 'Things fall apart, the center cannot hold?' That's me right now." She sighed. "My world is crashing in on me, changing, and it's about to get worse. I've just moved out on my own, just had my first big movie. People are going to be looking at me soon, in a way they never have before. I have to look at myself in a new way too. I have to manage my life by myself now. My life, my career, and this."

"I thought we were going to break up," Mark said. "We haven't seen each other in so long- you got out of school early to act full-time, and then you went away to film Traffic. We split. And now you've come back, and you want to..."

"Yes," Erika replied. "Traffic was great. The test screening was Thursday, it went well. I did good, but now that it's over, I just feel so..." She gasped and shook her head, at last letting all she felt from being Caroline wash over her. She collapsed into Mark, sobbing against his chest.

"It's okay," Mark consoled her, patting her shoulder. He leaned down and sniffed her hair, biting his lip. "I've heard about the film, Erika. You let me read part of the script. I haven't seen it yet, I won't till it's out, but I can guess what you're feeling. I read Go Ask Alice. I know what addiction's like, how living it can make you feel."

Good, Erika thought, it's working. She ran her hand over Mark's chest, looking up at him. "You know how I've told you I want to be a great actress?"

"You are a great actress."

She smiled. "Thanks. I know I can be. It's just that I've done so much on screen I haven't for real and..."

"Erika, stop it. You're not going to take drugs. You can't! It's..."

"I know that, Mark!" Erika interrupted him again. "But the other thing Caroline did that I haven't- I need to have that. I'm ready for it. I'm free now. Please."

He looked her up and down, then sighed. "Erika, I don't know about this. You're out of school, I'm not. This is my senior year. If the wrong thing happens to me..."

"I have protection. A friend at Narconon gave me the pill."

Mark looked relieved, then shook his head. "That's good, but... we can't."

"Why not?" Erika pulled back from him, keeping her hands on his shoulders and looking into his blue eyes with hers. "We're both old enough. We both want this. What's your problem?"

Her boyfriend stared at her, his lips tight. After a few seconds he spoke. "It's my first time, too. I know you told me when you went away to film Traffic that I could see other people, and I have, but I've never gotten close to any of them. It's always been you, Erika. And now..."

Erika put a finger to his lips. "I get it, Mark," she said. She had anticipated this too, been hoping for it. "Don't worry, we'll do fine. I've read up on this, so have you. We've both fantasized about it."

"But we've never done it." He gaped at her. "Never even gotten close. How far do you want to take this? Do you want to get married? Or..."

"No, Mark," Erika said. "We're too young, we have too much other stuff going on in our lives. I know you might want to, and we could, but..."

"It's okay," Mark said, clasping her arm. He looked her over again, then nodded. "Whatever you want. It's just... are you sure about this? Are you really sure?"

"Yes," Erika answered. Why do you always have to overthink everything? she added silently. Why can't you just take opportunities as they come? I'm giving you one right now! Take it! "Please, Mark. Touch me."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but she leaned in and stopped him with a kiss. She took hold of his shoulder in the same motion and squeezed it, adding insistence. This is just like my lovescenes, Erika thought. The right words and motions lead to the right reaction in the audience, the proper results. Except this time it will be good. It will be real. I will not be empty or afraid. I will be satisfied.

She broadcast all this to Mark with her eyes as she pulled back, hoping he would drop his reluctance. If you don't, too bad, Erika told herself. It will be your loss. I've been patient up until now, put all thoughts of this aside or left them to fantasy. I can keep doing that if I must, but I don't want to. Not any more. Please, Mark, please... Her thoughts vanished as he smiled, then pulled her close and kissed her back.

The touch was brief, but full of all the emotion that had always been between them. Mark's lips met hers, Erika felt his touch, then they moved apart. "You..." he began. She nodded and kissed him again, pushing him down into the couch with the motions of her body. She ran her fingers over his chest, squeezing at the pressure points she found. They had made out a few times before, and she used what she remembered. But we never went farther, Erika thought. I was always afraid, and so were you. No more. She smiled and shook against Mark as his arms encircled her, kissing him again as he rubbed her back. Their mouths came open and they breathed into each other. Erika then extended her tongue, licked across his teeth. She pulled away from him and smiled, taking off his glasses and putting them on the table beside the couch.

Mark looked her over intently, trying to imprint her in his mind. You still have a problem with this even though it's happening, Erika thought, recalling what Soderbergh had told her about lovescenes. But you must put that aside for the emotions of the moment. The moment is good. It is what you want. Live it. Assume the role. Find some way to ease into it. Immerse yourself. Then, when you're relaxed, you'll know what you need to do next.

I know, Erika thought, leaning down again. She kissed Mark once more, pressing her palms into his chest. Your fantasy is happening! she told him with her actions. You're about to fuck a girl, at long last. And she's a girl you've known all your life, who you like, who likes you. Not to mention a hot blonde with a nice figure who's a movie star. Is this not what you want?

Mark's hands grabbed her shoulders and pushed her up and off him. Damn it, no! Erika silently wailed. Then, as she opened her mouth to voice protest, Mark grabbed her shirt and started to pull it off. She smiled in relief, raising her arms and helping him. He gasped as he looked at her breasts, already flushed from anticipation. Her pink nipples were hard, pointing at him. "You didn't wear..."

"No," Erika shook her head. "It would have gotten in the way." She grinned and took hold of his shirt, smiling at him. Mark eased up on the couch and raised his arms, nodding. She moved back on him slightly and then pushed the garment up and over his head, throwing it aside. She smiled again at the sight of his chest. Mark was a good swimmer, like her. They had worked out together many times. So often they had smiled at each other after doing so, then hugged and kissed, and Erika had wanted to take things further. But I didn't. We have different lives, I wanted to keep us just friends, we're young. But now I can change things, and I will. We will. She ran her hands over his bare muscles and kissed his lips. Again her tongue came out and touched his teeth. This time his rose up and met it. She licked across it, breathing into him with her mouth.

His fingers moved on her as she did so, rubbing around her back towards her breasts. You've wanted to touch them so many times, Mark, Erika thought as they kissed. I know you have. Now you can. Do it. He did, and she smiled. Yes. She knew the sensation of fingers on her breasts, she always played with them when masturbating, but his touch was different from her own. He pulled hard, fumbling a little. Erika gritted her teeth, then gasped as he moved on, finding the right spots. Good, she thought. You learn fast. So do I. Let me show you.

She stopped kissing his lips and moved down, pecked him across his chin and throat. She also moved her hands down along his body, probing his chest and stomach. He smiled at her, silent now, still rubbing her breasts. "Keep that up," Erika said, laughing at him. I feel so good, she thought, moving down and grabbing his belt. She placed her palm against his crotch and felt his hard organ. She had seen its shape before, and felt it against her, but never put a hand to it. Now she would. She caressed it up and down through his jeans, regarding the apparent length and girth. Good, she thought. I can handle this. It's not too much for me. In some of the sex I've read about the man has a really big prick. I thought about that, and I might like it, but not for my first time. I need to ease into this. I'm still not completely sure what to do.