by Innuendos
Wow. So much to say in this story. I know there is a great story in here but the way it is written I could not find it. This was frustrating reading it. I wanted to like it. I wanted to be able to follow it. I know the author could since it came from her/his mind but it did not make it to my mind. Confusing.
Is it the switching of point of view between past and present? I'm thinking I might need to rewrite this story and make it more obvious. In my head, the shift between the two was clear, but I'm starting to think it may not have come across that way...
I didn't find it at all confusing. I can see how it may be with the jumping back and forth, but I personally enjoy a story that takes a bit of brain power to keep up with. I think it makes you think harder and deeper into the the plot of the story and how it flows and for what reasons. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I am looking forward to more from this 'universe'.
Giving a 'historical' reason for current problems is damned good (why didn't I think of that?). A good story, well told, clear & unequivocal. And even romantic!
HP
The story is perfect the way it is. No re-write necessary, you weaved the timelines and point of view together quite well. I think its a refreshingly different way of telling a story - compared to most stories on this site.