Pathetic Ch. 02: Friendship

I was interrupted from my mental beat down by Maria's waving hand. I walked over to the bar table that she was sitting at and slowly sat down. After we had set up our meeting, I had run through numerous strategies on how to convince Maria of my humble intent. Now that I was here though, I was suddenly overcome with the fear that this was a hopeless attempt and I immediately lost all confidence. I had gone through life with a steady source of confidence to back up my talk and actions. It was a rare occasion to be without it, so I didn't tend to handle the situation well. I usually became irritable and took offense very easily. I really hoped I could keep that in check here. Any reaction like that would be completely counterproductive.

Maria interrupted me from my thoughts once again. "Are you going to just keep steering at the coaster all night? Or are you gonna order something and get to talking?"

"Sorry, I didn't realize that I was paying you by the minute. You can go back to your pimp if you're no interested." I snapped. Shit, I thought, so much for keeping calm.

She raised an eyebrow at me and continued to stare. Surprisingly though, she didn't break her chair over my head or toss me through the nearby tinted window, as I expected.

"Sorry, I'm sure this wasn't easy for you. I kept telling myself that so I'd go easy but I already forgot. I've kind of been on edge myself lately. Anyway, go ahead and order a shot or beer or something to calm down and then we'll talk?"

"That sounds good. You know I have to say I'm a bit surprised. I could tell you had a good amount of Italian in you, like Luch, so I really wasn't expecting you to suggest an Irish pub."

"Sure, I'm a fan of wine and wineries and all that. It'd be sin if I wasn't, but you can't beat this atmosphere, in addition to the pub's very own beer and whiskey, when you want to have a private, serious chat."

"That's a good point. Homemade beer and whiskey, eh? I'll have to try both. What about you?"

"I'm just going to settle for this seltzer water and lime. I can't really do alcohol."

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow at her. "Why suggest a pub if you can't have alcohol? Especially if their own stuff is as good as you say."

She bit her lip and looked down for a moment. "Shit, I didn't want to tell anybody until I was sure, and I wasn't until I got a call from the doctor about an hour ago. Obviously the first people I wanted to tell were Luc and Justin."

"Sure about what?" I asked.

She leaned forward to whispering distance, however, it didn't lower her intimidation at all. "If you tell ANYONE, I promise you'll be on diaper duty for the first 6 months."

"You're pregnant!? That's amazing, congrats!!" I jumped up and went to hug her, but caught myself this time and backed off. I really hoped that I could get to that spot one day with Luch and the people important in his life.

"Thanks, we've been trying for awhile so it's a huge deal. I can't wait to tell the guys." She paused as she stirred the ice in drink. "Speaking of them, why don't we get to the reason why we met."

"Su-sure, um... Well, I mean, I care about Luch so much and I just want to have him in my life. Whether it's-"

"Shit, I knew that" Maria said, interrupting my opening line.

"Ya-ya-you did?" I stammered. "How? Why would we need to meet if you knew that?"

"Please, a blind, deaf in the midst of a stroke would be able to tell how much he means to you. I saw the way you looked and talked to him. What I want to know is why."

"What do you mean why? Isn't it obvious? He's an amazing guy! He's humble, sexy, and smart... He-"

"I don't mean why do you like him. The guy's a catch for sure. What I want to know is: if you cared about him as much as you seem to, why the hell would you do what you did to him?"

"What do you mean? I was an asshole. There's no excuse for what I did. Something like that doesn't even deserve an explanation."

"Would you quit with the bullshit? There's no way a person could do that to the source of their love without a fucked up reason. You may have been telling yourself and others that there's no excuse, but you've got to give yourself a break. As horrible and disgusting of a thing that it is, a sole action doesn't mean that that is who you are. People make mistakes. We all have faults. What really determines the type of person that you are is: one, your reasoning for doing it and two, how you handle the mistake and let it affect your future actions. You've obviously learned from it and are attempting to remedy it, which I'm sure is difficult on it's own. In my book, you're half way to getting back in to Luc's life. Now all you have to do is explain to me what made you do what you did."

After finishing her impressive monologue, she took a long sip from her drink and gave me a deadpan stare, as if she just gave me the week's weather forecast. How could a woman be so insightful, intelligent, innocent, and yet terrifying simultaneously? Every time I thought I had her figured out she pulled a 180° on me.

"It's hard to believe that this is all coming from the woman that knocked me unconscious with a keyboard just shy of 8 hours ago."

"Fuck, are you ever going to let that go? Enough with the deflecting. Get with the explaining or I'm walking."

"Alright well, it started when I first met Luch in 7th grade. As soon as I laid eyes on him, it was like everything suddenly became clear. From that moment on, I never doubted that I was gay. Nor did I doubt that I belonged with anyone aside from Luch. You should have seen him that day. This sweet, shy innocent boy. He made my heart race like nothing before. I suddenly had this carnal instinct to claim him right there and then. That night was the first night that I did research in to the gay world. I looked up porn and read information about the gay lifestyle for hours. I had decided then that I would go in to school the next day and confess it all to him. Then my step dad caught me and everything changed. He called me so many things as he beat me senseless. I wanted to pass out so many times but he didn't let me until I begged for forgiveness and acknowledged that being gay was a decision and only perverts made that decision. Even as I said it, I didn't believe it. I still planned on telling Luch. I thought he would stop if I just said what he wanted to hear. Unfortunately, he didn't. He... he walked over and grabbed my baseball bat. I thought he was going to hit me with it. I really thought he was going to kill me that night. But he didn't. He told me that he was going to show me what I'd experience if I chose to be gay. He said, "This is all you'll feel".He took the bat and threw me on to the bed. He-he"

I couldn't finish the statement. Despite the amount of therapy I had gone through and the progress I made to get over this single, horrible event in my life; I wasn't able to tell or think about it fully without breaking down in to a panic attack. Tonight was no exception.

"Brett? Brett! It's alright honey, you have to breath. Close your eyes." Maria ordered while rubbing my back. " Give me your hand. Do you feel my breath? You need to breathe in time with me."

I struggled to get my gasping to match her rhythm. Finally I was able to gain control and regain a calm state. We sat there for a few moments in silence. I waited in agony to hear what her response would be.

"I'm so sorry you went through that, and even more sorry that I forced you tell it to me. I know that couldn't have been easy." She set her hand over mine.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for the break down. I still haven't managed to relive that night without having an attack like that. Anyways, after that night, I was in a constant state of internal conflict. Part of me still believed that I was in love with Luch and that a feeling as intense and as natural as it felt couldn't have been perverse. Another part of me, though, some subconscious part deep done, had accepted what my step father told me as the truth. I would look at Luch with this love and desire and it would suddenly morph in to this wave of anger, hatred, fear, and pain. I couldn't profess anything to him in the state I was in. I had no one to turn to so it just festered inside. I decided that I'd tell him after graduation, when were away from high school and could be ourselves. Those plans were suddenly thrown out the window when I saw him at prom. I just knew then that I couldn't hold it in anymore. When we were caught after being together, all those negatives emotions took over and at the time, it had all blacked out for me. Later on, piece by piece came back until I remembered that I thought I was back in my bedroom that night with step dad. I didn't know what I was doing to Luch even after I snapped out of it. If I had come to his side when I came to, I think I would have been able to forgive myself one day. I didn't, though, instead I ran like the fucking coward I am. I haven't gone through a day when I didn't wish with all my being that I could go back and change that night. I looked everywhere for him after that. I didn't seem him again until this reunion."

We sat there for awhile, the only thing breaking the silence aside from typical background bar noise were failed attempts to stifle my sobs. After rubbing my back for awhile, Maria finally spoke.

"A lot of things are clearer now that I've heard both sides. I understand that a lot of what happened was against your intentions, but the damage to Luc has still been done. As much as he's let Justin and I in, there's still a barrier separating us. I don't think he'll be able to move on until he can fully trust another person again. I think it would be much better if it were you then either of the two us. That is the sole reason I gave you the chance to explain yourself. As big as a risk that it is to let you near him again, the pay off out weighs it, in my opinion."

"That's all I want. I just want to be a part of his life again. I want him to see that I'm not the guy he believes I am. I won't give up until I'm sure that he can live a happy life that he can fully share with another person. An open and honest relationship, whether it's me or not."

"Then it's settled. The question is, where do we start?"

______

I stumbled through my apartment door and struggled to get my sticky Under Armour shirt off of me. Unfortunately, the combination of moving out our stuff from the company's building, the roller coaster of emotions, tossing in bed all night without sleep, and finally deciding to go for a 10 mile run before the sun had risen robbed me of the strength I needed to separate the second skin from my actual skin. At that point, my arms were tangled and stuck above my head. I had seriously begun to worry that I may suffocate inside my own sweaty shirt when a voice spoke by the door that I had left open. I recognized it instantly.

"You know if you're really serious about getting in to stripping to compensate for the loss in income, you definitely have the body for it. Your technique needs some improvement, though."

During his rant, I had spun in surprise not realizing that the couch was in the way and flipped over the back of it partially. Now my trapped arms and face were planted in the seat of the couch with my legs, ass, and bare back sticking up over the edge. I kicked in vain to try to gain the momentum I needed to get myself up right again.

"Although, who needs technique when your showing off something like that."

"Damn it Brett, just help me out before I suffocate on my own sweat!"

Suddenly, two strong, rough hands grabbed me about my waist and hoisted me back. I took every bit of self control that I had not to moan from the direct, skin on skin contact. How could the man still affect me in this way after all that had happened?, I thought Was it ever going to stop?

Suddenly, the shirt was ripped from me and I instantly gasped in some fresh oxygen. I felt my entire face, neck, and torso redden as the eyes I looked up at burned my bare skin.

"What the hell are you doing here? How did you find out where I live?"

"I have my ways buddy. I wanted to stop by and offer some coffee and breakfast in hopes that I could have the chance to formally apologize about your job along with the offer for us to try this again."

"This being-???"

"Whatever you want it to be, Luch. I'm putting it all in your hands. I won't overstep any boundaries you set up or break any rules you create. Please give me the chance?"

Despite everything the bastard had done to me, I couldn't say no to the pathetic face he was making. I ripped my shirt from him, sighed, and stomped away.

"You can sit at the breakfast bar if you want to start on your drink and breakfast. I'm going to shower first, though, then we'll discuss this."

He didn't say anything as I entered my bedroom and crossed over to my bathroom while quickly undressing. I didn't want this to be long a shower. I felt uncomfortable being in such a vulnerable state with the guy sitting alone in my kitchen. I didn't trust myself around him almost as much as I didn't trust him. About 5 minutes later, I walked out in to the kitchen in some fresh lounging clothes as I ran my hands through my damp hair. I sat down and helped myself to the coffee and muffin that he offered me. As I looked at the barista's writing on the side of my cup, I couldn't decide if I should have been surprised that he knew exactly how I liked my coffee and what my favorite muffin was (blueberry).

"Thank you." I mumbled as I took a sip of the coffee. This time, I didn't even attempt to suppress the moan.

He chuckled in response, but his eyes seemed to glaze over. "Like coffee, do you? No problem, though." We sat in silence for a moments, when suddenly, he broke the ice in the most shocking and unconventional way possible.

"So... have you and Justin fucked yet?"