All Comments on 'Pathetique'

saving the girl in the canal, was top notch

Nice but sad story with a memorable ending.

I'm surprised Monique hadn't committed suicide by that point. Even that would not have woken the mil up. Everything after the canal became a fantasy montage that was quickly over.

Back in the 70's, we had different attitudes than we do now (about equality, control, freedom, sexuality, body markings, everything); and much of Europe was still very provincial. The setting of your story reflects that, even if you don't make it glaringly obvious.

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I'd like to think Jim wouldn't get robbed today while rescuing a child, that someone would look out for the hero. Otherwise the changes are entirely cosmetic.

Story could have been more interesting : while MILA arranged resurrection of Monique through third party, her mother kept eye on Jim. After she got equilibrium, she bumps into Jim by "arranged coincidence". Mila is in family way and so in hospital and home. Things may criss cross to make story interesting.

Unrealistic but well written fairy tale.

You made her into an abused woman and that was ridiculous m. She would have been dead from the repeated assaults by then. It was especially stupid because you used 1968 Vietnam interspersed with 2024 America. 150k in the 1960 would be over a million a year.

Felt the ending was a let down being a very brief summary. Would have been nice to at least see how Monique and her mom reacted to all the help. The never having a relationship again is also kind of a cliche. That perhaps is realistic for a woman who went through a lot of abuse but again, I think some expanding on that with dialogue/inner thoughts could help make it at least more interesting and emotional.

Rest of the story was good though.

Pathetique is exactly the right title for this rubbish.

Jim did the right thing and left the skank behind. Her mother destroyed her own daughter. At least their nasty line ended with them.

Decent story but a pretty weak ending. Back in college, a group of us 'aspiring writers' would talk about things like this and called it, ". . . and a good time was had by all!" Think harder everyone - how could this have ended?

Weak finish...

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Good story with a weak finish.

Agree with the others, good story, but the ending lacked. Thanks for sharing.

Nice job. Please write another.

Hooked

The story could have carried on longer, nice writing though.

Brilliant. Nice job. I enjoyed it immensely.

A weak ending.

The ending was quick and boom it was done. The story was good and deserved a better ending. However i enjoyed reading it. Thanks for your writing.

Oh the 70.s. Wait I think the wife’s and mother’s attitude seems more a French thing than the 1970’s in America. This and many of your other L/w genre’ are told so differently as they actually incorporate real story line coupled with some form of sexual action. Thanks for sharing.

Nice guy simp gets cucked, and settles for a single mom.

Then he starts crying when he sees what a disgusting mess his slut ex-wife turned into.

Could you make this guy any more pathetic?

"Mila and his daughter"

No. She was her daughter. The single mom didn't even love him enough to give him biological children of his own. He was only good enough to be a father-figure for her daughter.

Wishful thinking from a pathetique author.

You tried to get some justice for Jim but that fell face first into a pile of shit. Too many bad actors left unpunished.

Also sergent shithead would not have passed the background check to go higher up. Furthermore the mother curse her soul felt no remorse for what she had done.

Too many injustices left undone. And mc was a weak and cucky man.

Poorly written, the characters were base caricatures. Mother-in-law was a psychotic bitch, the first wife was mere shadow of a character, the second wife fell in love for no reason. The mixing of 1970s US with modern mores was poorly done. Nowhere near your best work.

Sorry to say but this is just drivel.

This story has no plot. It meanders aimlessly from episode to episode, and reads like a children’s fairy tale, with no complicated emotions, no resolutions, extremely improbable events mixed with pat, simplistic events… it is written in big blocks of black and white, with not a single shade of gray, and God knows, no color at all. Sorry, but this is irredeemable.

Yes, Jim was a "nice" guy. But pathetically weak. The things his MIL had been saying would also apply to his relationship with her! Why didn't he stand up to his MIL? He knew what she was trying to get her daughter to do and be yet left his wife with that old crone, so what did he expect to happen? Plus, why didn't he get her to come with him for that final 6 months?

Anyway, he returns and finds she has turned into a submissive slut and runs away. A strong guy with a backbone would at least sought revenge against the guy or guys who had been beating and abusing his wife. But pussy boy just ran.

Much, much later, now remarried, when he bumped into Monique again, his own wife helped her out. Dumbo Jim still did not know how to use his "power" that wealth provides. He could have had his ex-wife's abusers tracked down, kidnapped and had them treated the same way his ex had: broken a few bones. Reshaped their faces. Had them rapped by an SM group of gay men or used as a male prostitute. Then tattooed much of their bodies, particularly the face. Had their balls cut off. But no, he remained a simpish wimp all his life.

Somebody accidentally turned the Martian Slut Ray to full power thereby frying the brains of Sofie and Monique. Monique's transformation was so abrupt it defies realism which dampen my like of this story. Anyways the story was over the top fairy tale. But thanks anyways @chymera.

Wow, what a story! I wish Monique would have found more happiness in her life, but I guess she did, to some degree. The only thing I would have loved to see, was Marty getting destroyed. Still five stars.

At least one loose end. How did Jim marry Mila/Mali? Wasn’t he still married to Monique? Did I miss the divorce? Like this author, but this story was below average.

Nice guys win. Too real. Too raw.

Quite a sad tale.

This submission is a double Deus Ex Machina story line that ran out of fuel at the end. Jim initially is delivered from the dregs of his first marriage by the serendipity of saving a billionaire's granddaughter from drowning, and Monique was rescued from a life of domination and degredation by her chance encounter with her former husband. An author of fiction has the ability to solve the most vexing of problems encountered by his/her characters through tapping on a keyboard. The more divorced from reality the story line becomes, however, the lower the quality of the author's work product.

I must ask why commentor Bacchant feels that Jim could have refused his military orders? Not even one sentence portrays him as a wimp or willing cuck. It was too late when he returned. She wasn't worth fighting for by then. The story would have rated higher with a less hurried bare bones ending, I for one would have been delighted to see his former mother-in-law suffer life changing events. Perhaps body piercing and tattoos or a Mexican whorehouse as a slave.

It was a good story until the rushed ending.

The meddling of his former mother-in-law DID destroy her daughter... and her life !

His saving the little girl's life saved his life... and let him find love again... a good ending for a good guy.

I loved this story... 5 stars worth.

The moral of the story is don’t allow any man to dominate you. Sage advice but other than that the story had nothing to offer.

I feels like you got tired of writing the story and just rushed an ending. Liked it overall

The story is out there. What happens to Monique is abuse, pure and simple, it isn't D/s or bdsm. Jim should have seen with his military contacts that the bastard ended up in leavenworth serving time at hard labor..There is no defense called consensual abuse, her injuries would be plain as day on x-rays and he would have no defense. That he walks away takes from the story.

Obviously the rest is a fantasy, a bit trite. One other mistake, if this is set in the Vietnam war era am engineer wouldn't make 70k, it would likely be in the 20k range. If set in modern times it makes no sense, Saigon doesn't exist and the army wouldn't send him to vietnamese language school. 70k would be a starting salary for an engineer these days.

Pathetique is a perfect title. The story line is exactly that. There is no mutual enjoyment not in the story nor in the reading.

The army would have dealt harshly with her abusers. They would have been in Leavenworth. That’s a fact

10 Big Blazing Stars, What an Epic Story perfect for the Romance Channel or HallMark Channel. I was rooting to get his original wife back, but he couldn't have helped her if he hadn't married into money. Monique was her own worst enemy. I thought she was Hot with tattoos and piercings! The More I see of life, I am more sure that Young Women should be permanently separated from their own mothers at 21. Mothers always seem to think it is their duty to interfere with their daughters life. I still remember and cringe when my wife took me with her to harass her young 17 year old virgin daughter who was working at Kmart years ago. It seems The daughter thought it was her duty to tell her Mother (my wife) how she was getting ready to lose her virginity And This night she was going to give a blowjob for the first time in the side parking lot, where it is real dark after the store closes. Ha Ha Ha I wanted to climb back over the seat into the back seat I was so embarrassed and felt so bad for the young man trying to get his first BJ when my wife drove up nose to nose, bumper to bumper to the young man's car parked next to my step daughters car, while my wife honked her horn and flashed her head lights until she could see her Daughters head appear back out of the young man's lap. OMG i can't imagine how embarrassed the young man was. LOL Separate Mothers and Daughters from each other when the young daughter is 21 if not sooner. It is the least we can do! Buster2U

Mr Chymera, you have put a lot of hard work and many hours of hard work into this fascinating story. It really bothers me, the way so many (mostly anonymous) ppl seem it is their duty to complain about every possible little thing that they can about anyone's story. Story. I don't know if it is because they can, so they do and then get a thrill when it is still there the next day or just their narcissistic morons that falsely believe that they are nominated to be our grammar instructors. Regardless, I try to patrol the comments on a regular basis to delete all the of the most rudest of the comments. It gives me a smile, each time I hit 'delete'. Buster2U

As a victim of and a survivor of domestic violence, I have a real hard time reading about anyone suffering from domestic violence.

1. Excellent writing.

2.You have a taste for extremes that I don't share but is a dominant feature of this site.

3. I had a hard time with the rapidity of Monique's decent having never witnessed a woman that dominated.

4. I also had a hard time with the rapidity of Mila's giving herself.

5. Those last two statements are about me not the story.

6. I enjoyed the story a lot.

What happened? Did you get bored writing this and decide that you couldn't be bothered with giving it a proper ending?

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Yet another tale with the well worn cliche of the woman (two, in fact) who wants to be 'fucked like a whore' rather than be loved and treated with respect.

JR

The watch is spelled Patek Philippe .. not Patik

Interesting story up till the end.

Mali to Mila back to Mali?

Hard to decipher this one, ending felt like an afterthought.

yes the ending was weak..she could have given him a surprise "you're a daddy" party

at the end, but other than that a lot of good stuff with great detail and character development.

this is a pretty damn good effort :) 5 stars

Excellent! You all are full of crap. GOOD ending. All tied up. Thanks for writing! 5*

You speed-ran the last half of the story here mate and you didn't really tie Jim and Moniques story together so that it culminated at the end, so it made that final interaction seem really, really weird. I feel like a story needs to have rising action to the peak, but this story sort of emotionally peaked very early on and then had an uneven finish that was quite truncated and abrupt.

Abrupt ending. Good story.

It's a shame she allowed her mother to destroy the happiness she was trying to build...had she been smart, she would've slapped the stupid out of her mother for even suggesting letting another man "dominate" her.. throw her out of her house and never speak to the miserable slut again... instead she let her mom fill her head with a bunch of cum slut bullshit. Her mom of course glossed over the fact that after those dominating orgasms, there won't be anyone there to hug, kiss or even make her a bowl of soup if she's sick.. sex is awesome.... with someone you love & who loves you. I don't get the appeal of sleeping with a bunch of different men.. I strongly believe in soul ties. Even in my teenage years sleeping with a bunch of different men was never my thing.. in my neighborhood we called women like that mutts.. there's nothing cute or special about being a cum receptacle for a bunch of men. I felt a little bad for Monique but she brought this on herself🤷🏾‍♀️.. you have to learn to spot a miserablebitch from a mile away. Her mother was definitelya miserable worn out old whore. ... Wild crazy sex shouldn't of taken precedent over her happy marriage. She wasn't thinking about another man until her mother brainwashed her.. what type of mother would recruit their child into their sexual debauchery?..I'm really disgusted with her mom but her mom didn't put a gun to her head.. the choice to cheat was always and hers alone to make. She chosed badly sadl.... It's sad how far she has fallen. But I'm also glad she accepted help and got herself together. I hope she stays away from that sorry excuse for a mother of hers.

IrinMike "The moral of the story is don’t allow any man to dominate you. Sage advice but other than that the story had nothing to offer."

Interesting. Not a word about the wicked bitch who manipulated her into that situation in the first place.

How typically narrow minded and sexist AF

Fairy tails can come true ,it can happen to you. Hogwash.! A pure fantasy story.

itsayou about 3 hours ago

"The army would have dealt harshly with her abusers. They would have been in Leavenworth. That’s a fact" —

Yep, I concur. A few decades ago when we lived in base housing, a family next to us had some issues with another military family. This kid was peeping in a window at our neighbors wife while she worked around the house. No, get your mind out of the gutter, she was modestly clothed. But she did see the little brat and followed him back to his unit to give him what for and to let his mother know what he was doing. Mommy dearest didn't take it well, not what her pervert son did, but that this woman had the audacity to demand he be punished for peeping on her! Mommy dearest came out of her house and beat the woman all the way back to her home.

There she was finally able to call her husband. The military police sorted out the incident and the commanding officer got all the facts he needed. Mommy dearest got the family kicked out of base housing. Dad wasn't the one who beat the woman so of course he didn't get jail time. He did get a reaming from the CO and some negative comments regarding his spouse. I don't think he lost rank but it may have affected his ability to achieve the next one. Don't know for sure. Don't know if civil action by the lady was brought against her abuser. But if dad had hit her, it would have hit the fan.

I agree with Geezer83 - 1, 2, 3, & 6. I also had a hard time rating this story so I gave it a 4 because of the abuse angle. The idea of the abuse Monique got I find really troubling with the reason being she was actually a nice person that got corrupted/lead estrayed by her mother. She may have cheated but the abuse she received due to her mother........

wrong catagory - definitely not loving wives, just plain gross

@bhill8671: 1st & foremost, I pray that you've recovered (if possible) or on the way there or mostly there. I can't even put myself to understand what goes through the minds & souls of those victims. I pray (also) that life treats you well.

1. Now, into the story. It's a dark tale, & have to wonder why she listened at all to her mother. She spent 4 months good, couldn't do the last 2? Was there no communication between Monique & Jim?

2. Knowing how the mother is, why didn't Jim "discard" the mother instead of her living with them & becoming an influence.

3. After a very short time, suddenly Mila loves Jim & shares his bed? No dates, buildup (granted he lived with her & her father for a bit, but still...), just that she loves him?

4. Seeing Monique again, he remarks about her tattoos, which her mother denigrates him. Before Mila spoke, or afterwards- allowing for shock - "Congratulations! You're not only a sick, warped living thing, but you've succeeded in both destroying your daughter & her marriage. I can't call you human, because NO human would do what you've done. I would say you sicken me & are a disgrace, but that would be giving you too much credit."

5. Pity there wasn't anything of what happened to the Sgt & his friends when reported.

6. This was NOT the story I expected- it was much worse. Hence, this was not my type of story. I did expect Jim to thunder back, get his wife help while throwing his mother-in=law out of the house with no hope of returning. That, apparently, didn't happen. Shows you what I know!

7. However, while not my type of story (I do like "saving" stories), the author's writing was 1st rate. It shows the work of this story that you put in. And as such, I'll give this 4 stars, but not for most of the people involved in the story. Bob

Not bad, though Jim was really weak to put up with her shit or her monther's for even an instant, and the ending was a bit rushed.

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Monique wanted to be dominated, she got dominated. And if any readers still believe that a women in the USA in the 21st century, who does NOT live in some isolated and remote place where there isn't even a sheriff's department, is "trapped" I have a bridge to sell you.

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I used to work with domestic violence victims, nearly half of whom are actually male, and the hardest thing is to get them to leave before they get too messed up. Getting them to shelter is the easy part, getting them to press charges is a lot harder. Female victimsare easily convinced they "brought it on themselves," and male victims feel like they should be "able to take it" or "she's just excitable." I've had times when I've been fed up enough to tell them "If you don't leave, press charges, and testify, then the NEXT time you actually WILL have 'brought it on yourself'"

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Fortunately, laws have been enacted in many locales to determine the "primary aggressor," and cops are now forced to arrest that person. While I'm out of it now, I still watch body-cam videos and take some glee when abusers are arrested. It's fun especially when a female is shocked to be arrested, after she tried to choke her significant other to the point where there are visible bruises, or bit him hard enough to make him bleed.

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And, as others pointed out, the military usually takes this seriously as well, IF IT'S REPORTED. Like the cops, they don't magically "just know" and show up without a call. But as with most cops, if they're called, they respond.

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Although Monique was ultimately a victim, she was also an example of FAFO, unlike some who were victims from the start, where they're abused WITHOUT seeking a "dominant male."

It petered out at the end.

How stupid is Jim? It's not his fault, as he was written by a typical Loving Wives writer. He was created by this writer to ignore the obvious and run away as all LW men do (when they're not miscommunicating, jumping to incorrect conclusions, and crying/puking/catatonic). Instead of filing an official complaint through the base JAG office and seeing these pukes thrown out with dishonorable discharges, he runs away. That's just lazy writing... Then, there's the orphan, inherited home, marrying the bazillionaire clichés.

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Also, how stupid is Monique? She didn't knock off the abuse to give herself time to heal, knowing her husband's DEROS. In addition, as a Loving Wives construct, she has no free will and thinks only with her libido.

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The ignorance of LW writers concerning adultery under the UCMJ is stunning. Then, there are the many glaring anachronisms--even Shakespeare kept them down to one or two per work. Being referred to as a "cuck" pre-circa 2010 is also like writing a scene where Custer peers over the next rise and yells, "Dude! What the actual fu*k! Like, where did all those Native Americans come from?" Then, there's the over-the-top piercing and tattooing that was still forty years in the future. With the Internet at your fingertips, it's easy to check these things! If you write a period piece, respect those walls. Otherwise, you'll have MACV-SOG running ops into Mexico or Bullit running through the streets of San Fran driving a Crossfire. Finally, the unpunished physical abuse was sickening. Put this is BDSM.

First of all, Jim is the pathetic one. Instead of addressing the abuse of his wife and mother-in-law by members of the military, he runs away. That seems to be the default state of most main male characters in this category. Even if he wanted to toss her over the side, at least follow up with what's going on. This was set in the late sixties and early seventies, right? During that time frame, BDSM/DS and such were classified as mental disorders. This behavior was so far underground that it sat right next to oil and diamonds. Any person with normal sensitivities, moral values, or decency (we had those back in the last century) would've been shocked, outraged, and reacted immediately. A trip to the base chaplain and the full weight of the military justice system would have crushed those two and their associates. Too many contemporary things in this story to really like it. You alluded to the 1969 Family Act law, so the rest of your story should've conformed. If you write about 1970, your characters must react, think, and believe like 1970, not contemporarily.

Where's the plot? This is a series of storylines that decided to form up and create the semblance of a story. Sort of. Also, the unpunished abuse of Monique is awful. The overwriting in this story was distracting to the point that it made a rambling disjointed tale even harder to read. Find an editor or a couple of people to read these and give you honest feedback. Plus, too many things out of their place in time. In the early seventies, my pop was a lead engineer at Northrup working on stuff that eventually turned into stealth technology, and he was making $29,000 a year plus bonuses. Even in So-Cal that was still in the top 5% of earners.

Wow! Brutal and powerful story. You set up a great central conflict that defines an unbridgeable gap between the MC and his wife, then follow it up with a happy ending that further defines the MC's morality and standards. A really nice balance of plotting and personality development. 5 stars!

Very interesting and somewhat predictable. 4stars

It is an excellent story, full of compassion and love. BUT A LEAR JET?? FLYING FROM EUROPE TO THE UNITED STATES?? WITH SEPARATE CABINS AND LOUNGE AREAS??? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY??? That blew the logic all to hell. It's a great story, I really did like it and enjoyed it. My kind of guy, after having been shit on. And to help the women out after all those years. Again, last of the good guys. BUT A LEAR JET, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! At least a G-$4 or G-5. PULEASE!! The Bear heartily approves. 7 stars because I can, it was worth it and that's that. But get a better plane. PLEASE.

The BEAR

This is a good story, not a great story but I enjoyed it 5 stars for me

The wimp alpha widowed his wife. She now sees him as the pinnacle of manhood, and will refuse other men because few would measure up. The few that would are obviously not interested with an older woman such as herself.

The mother of the ex wife will receive no grandchildren. That's her punishment for her role in being a terrible mother and MIL.

I liked this ending because it has a degree of karma that is realistic. Sometimes naughty sex is fun, at first. But the damage it does to one's psyche can't be overstated. Many people never fully recover, like his ex wife. The tattoos and bruises can be removed, but not the tattoos and bruises on your soul. You don't have to be religious to believe your ego can be a stand in for your soul. Your perceived sense of self. For her, it's been tainted.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐'s

I'm a little surprised at the comments, although I will admit I meant to change the offered and expected salaries. In the '70's you were successful if you were making your age, so even $30000/yr would have been acceptable. It was a change I had plan to make, and muffed it. However, whoever thought that the kind of abuse described wasn't happening in that decade or that the tattoos weren't a very real possibility then, well, you weren't there, then. I remember girls with some shockingly insulting tattoos or outlines of Africa across their backs in green, red and black inks. And while the military took domestic violence seriously at the time, it happened, was very real, and many commands and MP's just looked the other way. And whoever thought that being called a cuck or a cuckold didn't start until 2010, must be a millennial who thinks nothing was invented before they were born. Cuckold has been in use in English since the 13th century, and the abbreviated Cuck wasn't far behind. I will also give it to the Bear - I didn't research the plane and a G-5 would have been a better choice. Sorry, but it's just a story from a lazy writer. If you want perfection, I'd recommend Jane Austen.

The Lear in the 1970s was a short/medium hop four seater. The GV's first flight was 1998, so that wouldn't fit. The GII might have hopped across the northern route in the 1970s with a range just over 3,500 miles. Personal jet transatlantic travel was limited until the last few decades. Chartering a 707 or DC-8 might have been the most effective choice.

Great story!

5

I liked it. The romance aspect was very sweet, and I enjoyed that the MC wasn't perfect. He was nieve and trusted where he shouldn't, but also did not lose his care of others. I like that he had a concern for those outside himself. Speaks to a good man, a man of good character.

Liked it but very sad! Well written but showed how crazy mother really was indeed.

Please do keep writing and I will keep reading.

Very good story. Old Jim rebounded pretty well it seems. Mila was a catch, Monique was just wasted air.

Well done.