All Comments on 'Patience'

you!! might!! want!! to!! remove!! 3/4!! of!! the!! exclamation!! points!!

also, while people DO usually speak in broken sentences and phrases, writing that way makes it a bit difficult to read. Eyes(reading) and ears(hearing) do not work the same, so you might want to use more complete sentences.

a sweet story.

Someone else has commented adversely about your over-use of exclamation points! Reading your work is like listening to someone shouting! What do you do for emphasis when every remark is a shout?!

And you do need to watch your use of words and use the correct one. A word checker is just that - it tells you whether you are using words - it doesn't tell you if you are using the correct one. I see that a garment was "pealed" off - was the "pealing" as loud as your exclaiming? Most of us "peel" garments off, which is a nice quiet procedure.

Oh hell, it was hot regardless of the editing miscues. Just keep on writing good stuff, and maybe find a good editor to help clean things up a bit.

Yes the !!!! is a bit much. I didn't think it would be like I was shouting, however. I will watch it closer in the future. Thank you all for your kind critiques.

Sure, the puctuation can take away from the story. However, the story was still HOT!!! Focus on the rampant animalistic emotions and desires. Nice job.

I notice (as you've no doubt also noticed) several criticisms about your first effort. Who submitted them? Anonymous? What is/are Anonymous' qualification to criticise? Yes there is free speech, but is all free speech useful? If the critic had the guts to sign his or her name it would be more useful to your betterment because as an author you would then have a better idea of whether to accept the criticism and learn from it or to toss it in the trash can. Kind of reminds me of white sheets and burning crosses. I am Ronnie W. and sign me a Horny 'ol Sailor

I enjoyed your tale. I do hope you plan another, to share thier further adventures. R

Sorry Mr. David, but your story is trite, at best.

trite P Pronunciation Key (tr t)

adj. trit·er, trit·est

1. Lacking power to evoke interest through overuse or repetition; hackneyed.

2. Archaic. Frayed or worn out by use.

You begin by plagiarizing several reasonably good writers, with “the student in love with the teacher bit”. If she was in love with you, what was her motivation? Was it just because you are a man? I saw your photo, and face it you are not god’s gift. So why was she in love with you. Did she somehow know that you were hiding a NINE-inch cock under your Docks?

Instead of describing her as you go through the story, little by little, you lay out her description like a Police wrap sheet. You only left out. F/W; DOB 9-20-1987,

And why she was in love with Steven-AKA-You?

Here's a short, but eye-popping, run down:

1) 5'4"

2) 105 luscious pounds

3) 34-22-34 (don't ask) Don’t ask what? How you knew her size. Your readers won’t accept (don’t ask). They signed on to have the situations explained to them, not to keep them in the dark. Maybe you just guessed her measurements. If that’s the case say so.

4) Luxurious, long, straight, bright, copper colored hair

5) Flawless, porcelain complexion. (Coppered colored hair, porcelain complexion? Are you sure she isn’t some type of a Chinese doll?)

6) Big, wide, shimmering, liquid, emerald colored eyes

7) Full luscious lips meant to be kissed unendedly (no such word. At least I’m unable to find it in any of my Dictionaries) and undeniably created to wrap around a big stiff dick! Preferably...MINE!

The story is unbelievable. Here is the best looking girl in the school, very intelligent, very sexy, a dream come true. She is leaving your class to go on, but just has to give you a blowjob (her first) and fuck you before she leaves you forever, as she loves you. She warns you that she isn’t on the pill. Why would she be, she is a virgin. Most women don’t take potentially dangerous medication for nothing, at least not if she has any smarts at all.

You as an educator should be horse (Equus caballus) whipped for doing what you did to her. However we all understand that the story is nothing more than a sick dream, which is deserving of ridicule and inspires nothing more than a desire to upchuck. It is absurd, preposterous, and silly. Now you are in a school where the girls usually go whacko over, athletes of all types. Maybe it was because of your superior intelligence, and the manner in which you develop your stories. Naw! That can’t be it. They let killers off every day for temporary insanity. Maybe we can say she was just crazy.

“She loves me? I inched forward and felt her silken folds wrap lovingly about my cock, exhorting it onward and upward into her soft steaming velvety female realm!”

realm P Pronunciation Key (r lm)

n.

1. A community or territory over which a sovereign rules; a kingdom.

David, at least get your metaphors correct. “Patty seemed to sense my ambivalence,”

am·biv·a·lence P Pronunciation Key ( m-b v -l ns)

n.

1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

Ok, maybe I’ll give you that one! However David if you are going to use the English language, why not attempt to use it in the proper way? Do you honestly believe that throwing in a lot of superlatives will please your reading public? If you are going to do it, at least do it correctly. Other than wondering what you were thinking with the use of the large number of exclamation points, which is a punctuation mark (!) used after an exclamation.

ex·cla·ma·tion P Pronunciation Key ( k skl -m sh n)

n.

1. An abrupt, forceful utterance: an exclamation of delight.

2. An outcry, as of protest.

This leads us to believe he was speaking to this beautiful tender young teenage girl who was star eyed and in love, with abrupt forceful utterances? She was giving up her most prized possession, her virginity to someone who was yelling at her?

David, David, David! Why don’t you get a few books on writing, take a sabbatical and study your craft? Or even return to school and take a few classes in Creative Writing. This was atrocious.

a·tro·cious P Pronunciation Key ( -tr sh s)

adj.

1. Extremely evil or cruel, monstrous: an atrocious crime.

2. Exceptionally bad; abominable.

3. Unfit for display to humans of reasonable intelligence. (mine).

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

was interesting and I enjoyed..other parts made me want to hide my head and not continue reading. Don't give up, check out some editing and do what you love to do despite what Mr. Anonymous has to say. We can't please everyone, can we?

Maybe you should check out the definition of "plagerize". I may have used a well worn setting for my story, but I DID NOT plagerize ANY OF IT! It was my "disaster" alone. Accuse me of "hackneyed" writing if you must, but LEAVE A FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS, if you want to attack my integrity! (Yeah that's an exclamation point, and fuck you if you don't like it!) By the by...I LIVED the story...what about you? Fucking yourself, no doubt. And...I ALWAYS sign my comments, unlike most of the GUTLESS wonders on this site! (There it is again...don't you just hate it when I do that? GOOD!)

I didn't sign it? Shit! A slip of the mouse. Just sign me...

I thought your enthusiasm added to, not detracted from, the story. Made it different than the run of the mill and quite amusing. What girl doesn't like a dude who is enthusiastic about . . . you know. I mean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enthusiastic, not just a boner.

Hey Anonymous, you claimed "reasonable intelligence" on your part at the end of your mindless drivel. Say what? Anyone who would level a plagiarism accusation on something like this is way beyond moronic. But then, you probably say you have two degrees, don't you? That's a favorite self-described qualification of anonymous trolls. And Anonymous, didn't you ever read the world's most famous book. You know, the Bible. At least David knows that God is capitalized, unlike you. Fucking heathen. I might add it's "police rap sheet" not "wrap sheet." But then maybe you're talking about a body bag like the one you should wear. I bet you're dog ugly. Otherwise you'd have something better to do than troll others incessantly.

I hope to see you expand on this. You have a great foundation (reality based). I'd like to see you take this story where you would have most wanted it to venture. Oh and by the way thanks for the praise.

It was pretty good! Definately liked the tone/attitude of the story. It was pretty good yes yes. I could have done without the "I love you part"... but it wasnt bad. keep em coming. oh and the schoolgirl with her teacher stories are my favorite! hehe. Great job and good luck with your next! ^_^

Im only posting as anonymous because I dont have a username and all that.

Yes, i will remain anonymous (though i know it pisses you off) but this site is currently my dirty little secret. (i'm still in collage.) This story is amazing, i am that girl. I lost my v-card in my first year of collage to my latin professer. i'm in my fourth my year now, and we're still having great sex.i don't love him, but he's a good fuck. Please keep writing.

Your story would have benefited greatly if you had used an editor. For example, you are using exclamation marks at the end of every sentence, which is intensely irritating...so much so that I couldn't read it all.

Might I suggest that you resubmit this - but AFTER you've found an Editor to go through it and tidy it up. Your good work will not be wasted and I'm sure that you'll get some more positive comments if you do.

I personally loved it. As a man who has gotten all sorts of giddy over intimate moments with certain ladies, the exclamations only show the frantic thoughts of a man who's dream is coming true. And for those that are so appalled by overused punctuation or spelling errors... Fucking really!? You're saying you can't look beyond imperfection to find the beauty of personal expression? Can't see the forest through the trees either, huh?

Yes I am anonymous, even though I have been visiting this site for well over 10 years, this is the first comment I have taken the time to express. You may call me whatever you wish, though I prefer Omega.

and the timing worked out alright. TK U MLJ LV NV

@David48:

Yes, your story would benefit from careful proofreading and editing, but don't let that put you off from continuing to write. Your enthusiasm is wonderful. Listen to the praise, and keep writing.

However, I fear that the damage has already by done by the naysayers—it's been ten years since you posted this story, with no other postings by you. If you're game, follow the advice of the comment that suggested resubmitting this story after having an editor work on it.

Remember the words of Rick Nelson in Garden Party: "You can't please everybody, so you've got to please yourself." Thank you for this story.

@ Anonymous/Please David try something else:

Why did you bother commenting? Why unload your vitriol on David48? If you disliked the writing as much as you say, you should be angry at yourself for reading the whole thing—the author's style and shortcomings were obvious very early on, so why punish yourself if you found it so unpleasant? Your accusation of plagiarism is unfounded, and your writing is bombastic (adjective: pompous, blustering, turgid, verbose, high-sounding, overwrought, pretentious, ostentatious; informal: highfalutin, puffed up) and hypocritical—you, too, need an editor. Constructive criticism is good; your comments were atrocious, self-indulgent, and mean.

Barry