Payback Ch. 03

We finally had a great arrangement where everyone was happy. I actually enjoyed having a foster child. As a matter of respect, I referred all major decisions back to Beau's mother, but she was never unreasonable and always had her son's best interests at heart. She wasn't a bad person, she'd just been overwhelmed by the number of children she had. You try raising six kids, one of them with special needs, on your own. It's near impossible.

I wasn't willing to upset the equilibrium by taking in another, damaged child and after a few short rejections, the social workers stopped asking me to consider taking on another one. Besides, my Mum was having some health problems and between ferrying her around between specialists, keeping the house running, and assisting Beau, I just didn't have the time to care for another child.

Beau had just started high school at a mainstream school and I'd picked up a part time job as a teacher aide at his old, special school, when I was told, rather than asked, by community elders to take on another child.

At first I protested.

'But Rafael needs family,' Auntie Pearl said, echoing the elder's request. 'He liked living with you and Angus. He told the social workers that you were the only couple who respected him.'

I studiously stirred sugar into a second, unwanted cup of tea. I'd been neatly boxed in by several senior Indigenous women who knew how to trap a white girl. I didn't know whether to be annoyed or impressed, but I was very certain that I'd need to play this game carefully to avoid causing offence.

'I really don't think it was Angus and I he was talking about,' I argued. 'He probably confused us with someone else. He didn't seem to like me very much, and it was years ago. Years.' I emphasized. 'He'd be... sixteen now, right? This is the same guy we're talking about?'

'Yes,' the elder agreed. 'Same child. He's currently in juvenile detention and if he can't find an address within the state, he'll be put into a group home. His family are worried.'

'Aren't his family in central Australia?' I asked doubtfully. 'Why don't they just come and get him?'

'There's a possibility more charges will be laid against him as a result of ongoing investigations,' came the reply. 'He can't leave the state. Do you understand the enormity of this problem? He's going to fall through the cracks. The police will have him, they'll attack him, and he'll be dead or in jail at thirty. You can help him. You have an obligation to help him.'

I turned to Auntie Rose, even though I knew she neither could nor would help me. The same cultural traditions that made it acceptable for Beau to live with Angus and I also required us to assist another family by taking in Raf.

'We'll help you,' she said kindly. 'You think this is a problem being put on you, but this child is not a problem, and it's not up to you to solve him. You only need to provide food and shelter and access to his culture.'

'We're supposed to be going to Darwin at Easter,' I replied. 'Beau's mum has agreed, she thinks it'll be good for Beau to see his extended family, and Angus will obviously want to see everyone... if Raf can't leave the state, what will we do? Or would I stay in Brisbane with him? Or would that just offend everyone in Darwin?'

'We can work out those details later,' Auntie Rose said matter-of-factly.

I had two choices; acquiesce and keep the peace or say 'no' and cause an endless amount of angst. It wasn't much of a choice.

'Fine,' I said. 'Just... fine. If he really wants to live with us, he can. But I really think he's confusing us with someone else, because trust me, Rose, he didn't like me very much last time.'

Auntie Rose reached over and rubbed my hand. 'Don't look miserable. Children are a blessing.'

2017

Ciaran texted me again the day after we went to the movies.

'Sorry about yesterday. Can I call you when you're free? Have some things to talk about with you. Symantha is coming back to Australia next week and will be staying with me until she gets herself sorted. Just want to chat to you. Love you.'

My stomach turned. I tried desperately to react nonchalantly, but found I couldn't. Instead, I became accusing, asking 'why is she coming to stay with you?'

'She has nowhere else. Apparently. She contacted my parents and, well, it went from there.'

I put my phone away so I wasn't tempted to text anything else that sounded bitter, angry or accusing. I'd never had to deal with other women with Angus. He'd been single for six months when we met, and none of his past relationships had been serious. I was the only woman he'd loved. There was never any external, female threat to our relationship.

Ciaran called me at just after nine that night.

'Am I calling at a bad time?' he asked.

'No, no,' I replied nervously. 'Pearl's asleep. I was just getting everything ready for work tomorrow.'

'I don't know how you manage to work and raise a kid on your own.'

'I only work ten hours a week, and I have a lot of family support. I'd find FIFO harder. I have two five hours shifts. I'm not sure I'd last through an eight hour shift, let alone a twelve hour one.'

Ciaran laughed. 'You get used to it. God, baby, it's so good to hear your voice. All I wanted yesterday was to grab you and kiss you. Let's catch up this week before I have to go back to work. I just want to hold you.'

'That's all you want is it?' I said. I was trying to tease him, to sound light and friendly, but I couldn't quite hide the anger I felt at Symantha's reappearance.

Ciaran paused. 'Hez... you don't sound very happy.'

'Oh, it's nothing,' I lied.

'I never trust a woman when she says it's nothing. Is this in any way related to yesterday? Noah?'

'No, no, no,' I replied quickly.

'You can be honest with me. You don't need to sugar coat it. I know he's difficult.' Ciaran sounded matter-of-fact, blunt. 'You're probably sitting there thinking 'oh, he can't handle him' or 'I don't want to deal with this' and I'd understand both points of view.'

'Ciaran, that's not it,' I replied. 'I work in special education. I should have known better than to have expectations and pre-conceived ideas, but for whatever reason, I'd assumed he'd be like Beau was. But if you think I'm judging your parenting, or want to call things off because it'd be too hard, you couldn't be more wrong. It's... Symantha. Your ex-girlfriend. Ciaran, she's the mother of your boys, and she wouldn't be moving back in with you if she didn't want to reignite your relationship.'

'Symantha?' Ciaran was incredulous. 'Baby, she just needs somewhere to live. She split with her partner and she and their daughter have come back to Australia. She has no intention of getting back with me.'

'What are your intentions?'

'Are you asking if I'm planning on trying my luck with her?'

'Yes, I suppose I am.'

'No.'

'No?'

'Fuck no,' he assured me. 'What are you doing this week? Any chance of you sneaking out for some school hours fun?'

I felt myself relenting, softening up. Perhaps he was telling the truth. 'Maybe on Thursday. Thursday morning, about ten o'clock? Do you want to come here?'

'Oh baby, I'd love to. I'll be there with bells on.'

'Just bells?'

'You wouldn't want to see that,' he assured me. 'I'll have everything covered.'

I thought he was gorgeous, naked or clothed.

'Maybe the neighbours wouldn't, but I would,' I said.

Ciaran said he'd most certainly be around.

~~~~~

True to his word, Ciaran was at my house at nine fifty-two am on Thursday morning.

When I answered the door he grabbed me and pulled me into a long, passionate kiss. He half-carried and half-dragged me inside with an urgency that suggested he'd been planning this for the duration of the drive here, and maybe even longer.

He took me into my bedroom, laid me on my bed, and unbuttoned my shorts. He had me naked from the waist down within a minute. My pussy, freshly waxed and completely denuded of hair, was exposed, and to complete the picture he pushed my shirt up and fumbled with my bra until he managed to remove both.

Ciaran covered my body with his while simultaneously trying to undress himself. I tried to help him but he was by now frantic, and it took us longer than it should have to shuck off his clothes.

It was my lover who'd started this, but I was aroused by his passion and his need, and I pushed him onto his back and crawled on top. He reached for my breasts and pulled one down into his mouth, sucking hungrily on the nipple. I grabbed his waiting cock and led it to my cunt, swallowing him in one desperate, swift manoeuvre.

We both groaned at the bestial joy of sexual joining. I fucked him senseless, not caring about anything but my own, desperate desires. I barely looked at him as I rode him, only glancing down when I was on the cusp of climax. He had a tit in each hand and a pained, determined expression on his face, and I knew if I didn't come soon, he'd beat me to it.

We orgasmed in unison, a cacophony of cries and moans as we ground and thrust against the other. It should have been purely physical; the sex had been rapid, the foreplay non-existent, and yet as I collapsed onto him, I felt it had been the complete opposite.

I burst into tears.

'Baby, baby, what's wrong?' he asked. 'And don't tell me 'it's nothing'.'

'I won't,' I half-sobbed and half-laughed. 'This time it's everything.'

'Oh baby.' He kissed my head. 'I love you. Talk to me.'

I shook my head. How could I possibly explain to Ciaran that I was grieving the loss of Angus, who he had now almost completely replaced in my affections? I felt as if I'd just said the final good-bye to my husband, and it was an impossible thing to tell a man whose penis was still inside me.

Ciaran kissed me again and pulled me tight. 'I have no interest in getting back with Symantha,' he said, wildly guessing at the cause of my tears.

He was partially correct; the thought of his ex had indeed contributed to my emotional distress, and as it was an easier subject than Angus, I decided to let him think that this was the sole issue that was bothering me.

'She wants you back,' I said.

'No, no. I don't think so.'

I kissed his neck, breathing in the delicious scent of his skin. 'Would you care to make a bet?'

'Yep,' he agreed.

'Really?'

'Mmm. Really. Name your price.'

'You earn about twenty times in the mines what I make working part time as a teacher aide,' I said. 'So how about a sexual favour? If I'm right, I get oral sex. If you're right, you do.'

'That sounds like a win-win situation for me.'

I buried my face in his chest and snuffled with laughter. 'Ciaran,' I reprimanded.

'Helen,' he said. He pulled me into the tightest embrace possible, one that left me breathless. 'I love you. Don't ever forget that. And I'll both eat your cunt and let you suck my dick whenever you want.'

'My little pervert.'

'Sorry. I was single for far too long.'

It was a joke to him, but I was still upset. I knew Symantha wanted him back. And I would quickly be proven right.

~~~~~~~~~~~

2008

I went to see Raf to confirm that it was actually Angus and I he wanted to live with.

I rambled on and on, nervous and anxious about what was both my first trip to a correctional facility, and how he might react to me. I'd remembered him as a five foot two, skinny kid, but he'd grown up and was tall and thin, his hair was cut shorter and he seemed cold, almost callous. He barely said a word to me, just nodded and shook his head as required, and gave me the faintest of waves when our visit drew to a close.

Two weeks later he was released, and I went to collect him. He sat in the front passenger seat and stared out the window. All of his earthly possessions were in a small plastic bag that rested at his feet. Sixteen years old, no education, no close family in the state, black and homeless. No wonder he was so quiet and circumspect.

We drove in silence. He'd been due to be released at ten, but due to a bungle in paperwork it had taken another two hours. I was hungry and my stomach grumbled.

'We need to stop for lunch,' I said. 'Do you have any preferences?'

'No, whatever you want is fine.'

'Maybe a takeaway?'

'Whatever you want,' he repeated firmly. 'Thank-you.'

We went to a takeaway where he ordered two potato scallops and a can of Coke. Old habits obviously died hard, I thought, thinking of when he'd last lived with Angus and I, and had always picked the cheapest items on the menu. I ordered a sandwich and diet Coke for me, and added a burger with the lot to Raf's order. He didn't comment when it arrived, but the faintest hint of a smile danced on his lips. I wondered if he remembered our past outings together, and if he thought I was still a stupid white woman.

It was a hot, humid day. Sweat trickled down my back, but I've never minded being hot. Give me summer over winter any day. Inside the takeaway was a generic frozen drink machine and Raf and I watched as numerous people bought and poured themselves chipped ice and bright soft drink slurries.

'I don't know what I'm supposed to do next,' Raf remarked suddenly. 'What am I supposed to do?'

'I don't know. Did you have any ideas?'

'No. Everything's just been about surviving.' He chewed a fingernail and stared at a young boy at the slushes machine. 'All of my life it's been about getting through the day, the hour, the minute, the next five seconds. That stopped when I was living with you. It got quiet. I thought something bad might be about to happen. When they told me they'd found a permanent place for me, I was relieved, but I shouldn't have been. I should have asked to stay with you.'

'I'm not very good at this foster parent business.'

'I know. I liked that. You were just... a normal person. That's why I want to know, if you were me, what would you do?'

I thought about Raf. I contemplated what it might be like to be incarcerated. I tried to imagine what options might still be available to him, and what he could hope to achieve.

'I'd take a week or two off from any immediate action,' I said. 'I'd enjoy being free. But every night, I'd go home and look at what I could do, and what I wanted to do, and I'd find something that fits both columns.'

Raf nodded thoughtfully. 'That sounds like a good plan.'

During Raf's first stint with us I'd frequently felt uncomfortable, awkward and guilty, but this stay bought about different emotions. Angus wasn't overly pleased to have Raf back, and Beau wavered between curiosity, jealousy and a desire to be friends with his new foster brother. Their reactions surprised and annoyed me, and I found myself becoming defensive of Raf, of needing to protect him and ensure he was settling in.

With each day, Angus grew more and more wary of Raf. If Raf spent time with me, he'd tell him to go away and leave me alone, and if Raf or I protested, he'd find a chore for the kid to do.

Angus and I began to bicker.

Raf had been with us for a couple of weeks when Angus told me not to wear a particular singlet top anymore. Angus had never commented on my clothing choices, so I asked him if there was a problem.

'Raf,' Angus muttered darkly. 'He keeps looking at your chest.'

'You're fucking sick,' I hissed.

'No, I'm realistic,' he argued. 'I'm not the only one who's noticed. He's been here four weeks and every day it gets worse. I'm going to talk to him tonight. I'm going to give him two weeks to sort himself out, and then he's going somewhere else.'

'He's a child.'

'With a hard on for my wife.'

I felt dirty, guilty, angry. I stalked out of the bedroom and made my way to the kitchen to put on the kettle.

Raf was sitting at the table with a pen in one hand and a careers guide in another. He glanced up at me, his dark eyes free from guile, and asked if I wanted him to make me a drink.

'No, I'll make it,' I said. 'Do you want one?'

He shook his head. 'No thanks. Helen?'

'Mmm?'

'I'm thinking of doing a prevocational course. Construction. There are no prerequisites and I think I could do it.'

'Do you want to do it?'

He put his pen down. 'Yeah. I want to go back to my community and actually help people. I want to go back and prove that despite what everyone thinks, I can actually change my life around.'

The kettle boiled. I stared at Raf and tried to reconcile the earnest expression on his face with the claims Angus had made about him. It occurred to me that my husband was probably jealous. After all, until now every foster child had preferred him to me. Raf was the only one who seemed to break that mould. The reduction in status no doubt irked him and he therefore applied the only explanation he could; that Raf must be sexually interested in me.

'Bad idea?' Raf asked.

'No, it's a great idea,' I replied. 'What do you need to do to enrol?'

'I don't know yet. I'll have to ring the TAFE tomorrow.' He picked up his pen again and tapped it against the bench. 'Helen?'

'Mmm?'

'Angus wants me to move out, doesn't he?'

'No,' I replied quickly, shocked at his words. Had he been listening into my conversation with Angus? No, it was impossible. He was sitting at the kitchen table and Angus and I had been locked in our room, conversing in whispers. 'Of course not.'

Raf stared at the kettle and tea bags as I assembled a hot drink for myself. He wore the pensive expression of a person who knows they're not wanted, and the fear of a child who has nowhere else to go.

'Don't worry,' I told him. 'I like you. You can stay here as long as you need to.'

Raf nodded, but I could tell he wasn't entirely reassured. Frustrated and upset, I took my tea to the bedroom to have another chat to Angus.

My husband was lying on the bed reading a bike magazine, but he knew I was angry. He'd have to have been an idiot not to know the signs after over ten years' of marriage.

'If you drink that now, you're gonna have to get up ten times to pee tonight,' he said, gazing at my cup of tea.

'I'll deal with it.'

He put the magazine down as I climbed into bed, his dark eyes traversing my face, searching for clues as to how to make amends. He knew I was angry.

'He's worried,' I accused. 'Raf thinks you hate him.'

Angus sighed tiredly. 'I don't hate him,' he clarified. 'I just reckon he's starting to see you in a light that he shouldn't. I'm sorry if you thought I was accusing you of leading him on. I know you're not. But the way he looks at you, Hez, it's not appropriate. I'll find him somewhere else to go.'

'He wants to stay here.'

'I know. I figured as much.'

'He doesn't view me sexually. I'm old enough to be his mother.'

'I've slept with women old enough to be my mother,' he said, before hurriedly adding 'before you, of course.'

That caught my attention. Neither Angus nor I had really shared the details of our past lovers. We were both quite jealous people when push came to shove, but all of a sudden, I found myself wanting more information.

'Really?' I asked curiously. 'How old were the women? And you?'

'The first time, I was seventeen, she was in her forties.'

'Did you feel taken advantage of?'

Angus laughed. 'No fucking way. The only part I'd change is that I fell hopelessly in love with her and made a dickhead of myself in the weeks afterward.'

I cringed at the thought. 'You poor thing.'

'No, no, not 'poor thing',' he corrected. 'See, my father always told me 'make sure a woman wants it as much as you do' and I thought he was talking about sex, but it turns out he was also talking about relationships. I just didn't realise that. That's the other part that bothers me about Raf; I don't know that he understands that just because he wants something, he can get it.'