Payback Ch. 04

We'd expected it to be Angus or Beau with Pearl, but instead it was one of Angus' distant relatives. The man eyed us up suspiciously and I shrank back guiltily. I glanced at Raf and saw he was doing the same.

'What's going on?' our guest asked.

'Nothing,' Raf replied.

It was the wrong answer. Our guilt stank like a sewer, enveloping us all in an ugly truth. Something improper had occurred between Raf and I. But no accusation could fly, not with Raf and I both dressed, not with anything other than suspicion and the aforementioned shame that exuded from my foster son and my pores.

Our guest wanted to know if Raf could help someone install a new oven. They lived in a government house and the government had refused or failed, for whatever reason, to provide a new oven when their last one had died six months ago. A second hand oven had been found on Gumtree, a freebie from people who were renovating their kitchen, but nobody had the money to pay an electrician.

Raf wasn't an electrician and he wasn't comfortable with wiring. Fixing roof tiles and gutters, replacing windows, fixing leaking taps and minor plumbing issues, as well as tiling and carpet patching were where he had experience and felt comfortable. Cleaning, painting and lawn mowing were requests he ignored when he felt his good nature was being taken advantage of, but electrical work was something he always refused. It wasn't safe.

Raf tried to explain this as politely as he could, but our visitor grew angry.

'Look at all the work you've done on this place,' he said. 'All for one mob, but not for another.'

'I re-seated the taps and cleaned the gutters,' Raf replied truthfully. 'It didn't take much. If there's anything like that you need done, I'm happy to do it, but I can't install an oven. I'm sorry. If you can wait a few weeks, I can send some money up for an electrician.'

'What about tomorrow?'

'I'm going home tonight,' Raf said. 'And it doesn't change the fact that I can't install an oven.'

'Why the hell can't you do an oven? And why are you saying you're going home tonight? I heard you'll be here till tomorrow.'

'It's electrical!' Raf was starting to grow frustrated. 'I can't do electrical work. If I could, I would have fixed the problems with this house, but I haven't, because I can't. The smoke detectors here don't work, one of the air conditioners is running rough and the are no safety switches, but I can't fix it because I don't know how. And I am going home tonight, we're leaving at twelve, but Helen is staying behind and coming home tomorrow.'

'You know what I reckon?' Our visitor leant in to Raf. 'I reckon you're too busy fucking around with every woman you can get your hands on to care about your own people. You fucked Hannah's niece and you're fucking this white whore that adopted you.'

Raf shook his head. 'No. I just wanted a few days off. That was all. I didn't mean to cause any offence, and I'm not having sex with Helen.'

'No? More like yes. You took your child from her mother and gave it to her. Why else would you do that?'

'Pearl's mother couldn't care for her. She was going to be taken away.'

'You should have given her to a sister. Not to her.' Dark eyes stared resentfully in my direction, before flickering back to Raf. 'You don't love your daughter; you love where you put your dick.'

The insult cut deep. Raf's eyes were black with fury. 'Get out,' he hissed. 'I was willing to help. I was willing to send you money. But not if you talk about Helen, or Pearl, or my choices like that. Go away and die in fucking hell.'

Our visitor lost his temper but not at Raf. At me.

'You,' he spat. 'YOU are responsible for this. You think you can take and take and take, but there's a price to pay. There's always a price to pay.'

It was far from the first time I'd borne the brunt of an Aboriginal person's anger or frustration with a situation that I hadn't caused, encouraged or created. Mostly I just nodded and went away and cried, but I was tired and I was scared that this man might go around spreading rumours about Raf and I.

'I'm not the one demanding someone undertake repairs they're neither qualified, nor comfortable, doing,' I spat, speaking for the first time. 'I'm not the one throwing accusations of impropriety around. And as for stealing children, if that's what you're implying, you can shove it up your fucking arse because if you knew as much about my life as you claim you do, you'd know that foster kids aren't a fucking walk in the park. You'd know that dealing with their relatives is hell itself, and you'd know that it never, ever, comes near to having your own, biological child.'

Our guest stared at me in shock. I started crying. There was just too much going on; Raf kissing me, me kissing Raf, the accusation - and it wasn't the first time it was made - that I was stealing black kids, and the end-of-holiday weariness when all you want to do is cook in your own kitchen and sleep in your own bed.

Raf told the man to leave and by some miracle, he did, but the world kind of blurred and I'm not quite sure of the following sequence of events.

I remember going to the to the bathroom to wash my face and try and stop crying, and I remember Raf standing in the doorway and calling my name. He told me we were alone now, and that there was no need to cry.

I remember letting him hug me. I remember feeling frustrated. Then he started kissing me, and I kissed him back. As my foster son pulled my swimsuit down once more, I wondered aloud what it was I was doing.

'Let it happen,' Raf said, his hands on my bare breasts. 'Let it happen.'

'No, not sex. Not sex.'

I remember saying that. I remember saying it and I remember pulling his board shorts off, and I remember dropping to my knees. He had a big cock; long and thick and uncut, but he also had a hairline trigger and he came in no time at all.

I hadn't been expecting the mouthful and I gagged.

Raf leant down to see if I was okay.

'I'm fine,' I said. 'I'm fine. Get my togs please, the ones on the airer out the back. Get my togs and I'll put them on and we'll go down to the pool.'

'Helen... come to bed. Let me do that for you.'

'No.' I stood up and pushed him away from me. 'No. God, Raf, what the fuck happened?'

'We...'

'...No! Get my togs. Get my togs and I'll put them on. Let's forget this ever happened. Okay? Let's forget this ever happened.'

Raf nodded wordlessly then went and got my togs from the clothes airer. They were cold and damp and the lycra twisted as I tried to pull the cups over my breasts. They were firm fitting bathers, designed to protect a woman's modesty.

Raf and I barely spoke as we walked down to the pool. Well, that's not true. He apologised profusely, his voice heavy with emotion, but I told him to shut up, that I wasn't going to talk to him about this ever, ever again.

Why did I do it? I don't know. I think, in a fucked up kind of way, I felt sorry for him for loving me. It was always going to be an unrequited love and I wanted to give him something. I wanted him not to feel rejected or unloved.

When Angus had kicked Raf out, and I'd found the USB with the erotic stories he'd written, there had been a paragraph that had knocked the wind out of me. There had never been a point in his life where he had not been sexually active, but with her it seemed there was an opportunity for something more; a chance to make love. The prospect excited him. He wanted to fuck her until she couldn't stand one more orgasm, then hold her until she went to sleep. It would be something new. Something good. Something better than any drug he'd taken, and he'd taken all of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~

2017

I went to see Dani and the social workers. In jail, of course, because Dani wouldn't be released until she had somewhere to go and the parole board agreed, but I was well used to jail. Well used to lots of things that normal, happy, people aren't accustomed to.

The social workers weren't happy with the prospect of Dani moving in with me. They were concerned about Pearl. I, too, was concerned about Pearl if Dani moved in and things didn't work out, but I was also worried about how Pearl would cope if she grew up and discovered the woman who'd raised her had been unwilling to offer her biological mother a place to live.

The complexities were mind boggling.

'There is another option,' I offered. 'My mother bought two, large insurance policies when she left my father, so that my sister and I would be financially safe if she passed away. One of her cleaning clients was an insurance broker and he found her a spectacular deal. When Mum died, I received the proceeds of one policy and my sister got the other. Mum's house was unofficially left to Pearl. The tenant gave notice yesterday. It's only small and basic, but Rose only lives half a kilometre away and she's agreed to come around and help. I can help, too.

These are my terms; nobody but Dani and the baby can live in the house, it needs to be left in the same condition as it's in now, and after two years Dani needs to pay either market rent or move out. The house is Pearl's security. I can sacrifice two years of rent for her mother and sibling, but nothing more.'

'Your Mum left Pearl her house?' Dani asked incredulously.

'Yes, but Pearl doesn't know. That's something else; nobody can know who owns the house.'

The social workers said they'd speak to Rose and investigate her suitability, but I knew they were pleased. It was a good solution and it neatly avoided them having to find Dani a house.

Ciaran was happy when I told him the news. He said it sounded like a good solution but I could tell that in his mind, anything would have been a good solution so long as it meant that Dani wasn't living with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

2015

Sometimes you do bad things. Somethings you do disastrous things, things that you know will haunt you until the end of your days.

Sucking off Raf fell into that category.

Several times that day Angus asked me if I was okay. I nodded numbly and told him I was, shocked by what I had done. I'd cheated on my husband. I'd performed oral sex on my fucking foster child. Granted at twenty-three he was no longer a minor, let alone a child, but the relationship still existed. I was supposed to be his mother figure.

What scared me most was that I knew Raf wouldn't accept that the act was a once off. He'd keep pressuring me for more. That could never happen; I could never, ever engage in anything so morally bankrupt and scandalous again in my life.

But how was I supposed to deter Raf? What if he decided to tell Angus what I'd done? I spent the day fretting and panicking.

Late that afternoon, Angus lost his temper and demanded to know why I was so upset.

'Someone came around,' Raf said, neatly stepping in to protect me. To protect us. 'One of your relatives. He wanted me to install an oven, and when I told him I couldn't do it, he got angry. I explained that it was electrical work, and I wasn't licensed or familiar with the processes, and he said some things that were out of line.'

'Like?' Angus asked.

Raf glanced over at me. For the first time since I'd performed oral sex on him, we caught each other's gaze. The guilt threatened to eat me alive, but Raf, thank God, was more in control of his emotions.

'He accused Helen and I of having an affair,' Raf told my husband. 'He said I gave Pearl to her to win her love. Helen got upset and yelled at him, and she started crying. That's when I told him to leave.'

'He accused you of having an affair?' Angus asked me, seeking confirmation.

I nodded. 'Yes. He said that was the reason Raf didn't want to help.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' Angus exclaimed. 'Hez, you don't need to listen to this shit. Why didn't you call me? I would have come home and sorted that shit out.'

I shrugged. 'I was upset. And I, uh, I said something to him about foster children not being a walk in the park.'

'We aren't,' Raf interjected.

Angus came over, grabbed my hand and led me into our room. He shut the door behind us and held my face in his hands.

'Hez,' he said softly. 'You don't need to listen to this bullshit. I trust you a hundred percent. I know you'd never cheat on me.'

I shut my eyes and buried my face in his neck. 'I know.'

Angus stroked my hair. 'You should have told me. I was worried about you. You've been so out of sorts all day.'

'I... Angus...' I couldn't tell him. I couldn't. I wouldn't. But I had to tell him something, didn't I? So I rummaged up a lie. 'Sometimes people just say shit that cuts you to the core. That's all it was. I didn't want to ruin our last day on holidays together.'

He kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly. 'I love you. You've been the best wife a man could hope to have. You might reckon this is stupid, but you always do such a good job taking care of the boys and me, and looking after my Mum and the house and working all those extra hours for kids, and I just want to be able offer you something in return. If I can bring in money and make you feel safe, that makes me feel a bit better.'

I didn't deserve this man. I had him, but I didn't deserve him.

Angus's phone beeped.

'Always ruining the moment,' he said, grabbing it. He frowned as he read the message. 'Damn. Our flight's been cancelled. Raf, Beau and I are now on the one pm flight tomorrow.'

'That's the flight Pearl and I are on,' I remarked.

He gave me a brilliant smile. 'That means all five of us will be on the same plane. Let's have a nice dinner at home, hey? We'll get takeout and the boys will wash up. You just put your feet up. Don't worry about a thing. You deserve a break.'

Angus was true to his word. He organised dinner and he made the boys do the work with him. I didn't have to lift a finger.

The guilt gnawed at me. Angus put my anxiety down to my run in with his relative, which gave me a good cover, but my stomach was churning and my heart was breaking.

Twenty fucking years. Twenty fucking years of love, support and care he'd given me, and I'd thrown away whatever respect I had for myself and for Angus in less than half an hour. I was scared that when he found out he wouldn't forgive me, and even more terrified that he might. A lifetime of guilt and regret.

I barely looked at Raf, not wanting to see the expression on his eyes. Did he regret what occurred? I doubted it. He shouldn't have loved me; I was too old for him, too past my prime, and I never should have been viewed as anything more romantic than a mother or aunt, but I knew his early life had been traumatic and that no doubt messed with the normal progression of a person's adult sexual and romantic life.

I'd wrong Raf, too. He might not feel that way, but I did.

Angus made love to me that night. His sex drive had increased after he'd lost weight and made an effort to exercise and he was now keen for it three or four times a week, but I knew that his concern for me was also driving a desire for intimacy.

He told me he loved me. I kissed his neck and clung to him and told him that he was, hands down, the best thing that ever happened to me.

Regrets. I had plenty of them, and I wished that there was some miracle way for all of my problems surrounding my infidelity to disappear so I didn't have to think about them or worry about them ever again.

~~~~~~~~~~

Angus, Raf and Beau had all set reminders on their phone to get up and catch their middle-of-the-night flight. Angus and Raf had cancelled theirs, but Beau must have forgotten, because at a quarter to twelve his phone alarm sounded, waking me from my slumber.

I stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen and cancelled the offending alarm. I stood in the kitchen for a minute or two waiting to see if any of the boys had stirred. If they had, they'd gone straight back to bed.

Pearl, on the other hand, had gotten out of bed and was tottering down the hallway. I raced over and picked up the young toddler. Two years old and cute as a button, but my God, she was near impossible to resettle if she was woken in the night. She'd go to sleep easy enough, but the key was making sure she stayed asleep.

'Come here sweetie,' I said to her. 'Let's lie down in your bed.'

'No.'

'Pearl.' I picked her up. 'It's night time honey.'

'No! I'm hungry.'

'You're not hungry sweetie, it's time to lie down. Let's get a book and read.'

She started to cry. 'I want McDonalds.'

'They're all closed, Pearl. It's sleepy time. Off to bed.'

I started carrying her down the hallway to her bed and she rewarded me with a wail. Oh Jesus, I thought. I was by now wide awake. Pearl was wide awake. Soon everybody else would be awkake, too. What to do?

The only half-reliable method I had of getting Pearl back to sleep was a car ride. I hadn't driven much while we were on holiday as Angus had taken the wheel, and the 4WD we'd hired was manual and I hadn't driven one of those in over ten years. Nonetheless, the streets would be quiet, and it probably wouldn't matter if I occasionally stalled or executed a sloppy gear change. The important part was getting Pearl to sleep.

'Okay, we'll go for a car ride,' I told her. 'I'll just get dressed and change your nappy before we go.'

Five minutes later she had a clean bum and I had a bra and shoes on. My hair wasn't brushed, but I didn't see how that would matter. It wasn't as if I'd be getting out of the car.

Pearl and I drove and drove and drove. I found the transmission wasn't so much of an issue as remembering how to get home, and I ended up getting hopelessly lost at one point. I had to use the GPS system to return back to base point, and by that stage we'd been out of the house for over an hour.

Pearl was still awake.

I was cursing Beau and his bloody alarm when I realised there was a fire in the vicinity of our house. I was a bit worried that it might be on the same street as us.

'Ambulance!' Pearl said, hearing a siren.

It wasn't an ambulance but a fire engine. I pulled over to the side of the road to let them pass and they sped past.

I stalled three times trying to restart the car. Angus had said the clutch was pernickety, but my poor experience with manual transmission, combined with an awful sense of foreboding, were more to blame.

Pearl and I drove onto our street and that's when I knew. I just knew.

They were all dead, all of them. No smoke alarms, and an old wooden house made for a deadly combination. Add in kerosene, which had been splashed around the boundary, and the men had had no hope.

On the driveway 'Payback for stealing black children' was sprayed in paint.

The police were in attendance and they asked me questions, lots of questions, which I answered numbly as I tried to make sense of what was going on.

The oddest thought ran through my head as I replayed Raf's conversation that day through my head. Raf had told the man that I was flying home the following day. He hadn't mentioned Pearl. Did the people who set the house on fire know about Pearl? Did they care?

I blacked out, vomiting everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~

2017

Ciaran wanted to take me out to dinner. He wanted to propose.

I laughed nervously when he rang me to ask what night suited me, Friday or Saturday.

'No, don't laugh at me,' he said. 'I'm shitting myself. I'm nervous. I want this to be special.'

'I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at... Ciaran, don't take me out to dinner. You need to come around. You and I need to talk, seriously talk. I'm sorry. You and I should have done this months ago, but we didn't, and now I need to tell you some things and also ask you some questions.'