Payback Ch. 04

'Do you want me to fuck off?'

'No. I just want... honesty. I want you to explain some things.'

'Baby, sure,' he replied, sounding confused. 'Whatever you want. Did I do something wrong?'

'No, I don't think so. Did you?'

'No.'

'Okay then.'

'Good,' he said. 'I'm glad that's sorted. How about I come around tomorrow night?'

'Tomorrow's Monday.'

'I have to wait until Friday night to find out what the problem is? How about I come around tomorrow? Doesn't Pearl have day care? It's school holidays so I can't imagine you're working.' Ciaran sounded understandably annoyed.

I bit my lip. 'Okay.'

'Okay? Baby, if something's wrong, you need to tell me. You have the worst habit of pushing me away. I love you, but I don't want to spend my life chasing you, reassuring you.'

'Okay.'

Ciaran's voice softened. 'I love you.'

'I love you too,' I whispered, blinking back tears. 'Come around for lunch. I have to go; I can hear Pearl.'

~~~~~~~~~

I made him lasagne and salad and offered him a beer but he declined both the lasagne and the beer. He'd lost weight since I last saw him. He said his IBS had been playing up and he'd avoided eating to try and let his body recover.

'I love you,' he told me, pulling me into a hug. 'I've been trying to hug you ever since I arrived. What's wrong, Helen?'

He was staring at me imploringly and I think that if I hadn't been so certain he was shagging Symantha, I would have felt guilty.

'We need to talk,' I said. 'Let's sit down.'

'Sure,' he agreed. 'I want to clear the air.'

We sat at the kitchen table. Ciaran was ignoring his food, I was picking at mine.

'I need to tell you about Angus,' I said, staring at my fork. 'I need to tell you more about Raf, my foster son.'

'Okay, go ahead.'

I told him everything. Everything. I didn't look up because I didn't want to see his expression. I didn't want to see him sneer, or feel his anger. I didn't want his judgement. I just wanted to tell him the truth, and once I was finished, I had questions of my own I wanted to ask.

I didn't cry. I'd thought I might but I didn't. I just told Ciaran the full and complete tale, no holds barred.

When I'd finished, I asked if he had anything to say.

'Like what?' he asked.

I shrugged. 'Like anything.'

We were silent for a while. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't want to apologise for a sin I hadn't committed against him.

'Why do women do it?' Ciaran asked suddenly.

'I'm sorry?'

'Why do you cheat? Why? Do you think the man that fucks you, knowing you belong to someone else, will ever respect you half as much as your partner does?' He sounded hurt, not angry, as if he were seeking an answer to a question that had long plagued him.

'I... don't know,' I admitted. 'It was... surreal.'

Ciaran sighed tiredly. 'Jesus Christ, baby. He was your foster kid. And he used you.'

'It wasn't quite like that.'

'Yes, it was. He should have respected you and your husband, not tried to steal you away. What the hell could he offer you that your husband couldn't? And what was that, his thanks to your husband for having raised him? You're lucky Angus never found out. He probably would have buried him in the backyard.'

I didn't respond.

'Helen?'

'What?'

Ciaran sighed resignedly, then leant over and touched my face. 'I'm glad your husband didn't have the chance to find out about it. And I think you should probably be honest enough with yourself to admit that just because someone loves, or believes they loves you, doesn't mean they're going to treat you well.'

'You claim to love me and yet you're obviously still sleeping with Symantha,' I replied quietly.

Ciaran's hand fell away from my face. 'What? Where on earth are you getting that idea from?'

'She wants to get back with you. Her parents want you to get back with her. They don't rummage up the idea that this is something that's feasibly going to happen unless you're doing something that's encouraging them.'

'And your assumption is that I'm sleeping with her?'

'Are you?' I challenged.

'No. As I've said on numerous occasions I'm sleeping in the garage.' He placed his hands behind the back of his head, tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. 'Fuck.'

Ciaran laughed, as if something was funny about the question and that he would never, ever sleep with Symantha. I was just about to prod him for answers when he spoke.

'I'm not saying I've never lied to you,' he said. 'I lied to you the first night we met. I've also not told you something about Symantha and I, but it happened well before I met you, so I didn't see the value in telling you, but given you seem to think I'm up to something, here goes;

I met a woman about six months after Sam and I split. It was okay, I thought, not great, but I never thought I was that picky. Then she met Noah. Game over, and I understand why. If I were a woman and I had to imagine a lifetime of caring for him on my own for two week stretches, I'd be put off. My parents struggle. Symantha found it impossible. I was booking a hotel room for a night and lying about my shifts to get a break.

A month or two passed. I'm wound up as hell, everything hurts - physically - and I was mentally exhausted. I told my parents my shifts had changed and I was now nine off, fifteen on. I booked a room in a hotel and called a masseuse. I didn't care who it was that was doing it so long as it was a woman.'

'Were you hoping for a happy ending?'

'No, I just wanted...' Ciaran frowned. 'Hard to explain. I just wanted a woman. I got Felicity. And, as I told you, on her third visit she didn't read the text I sent her clearly and showed up early and I was there with a raging fucking boner with a tube of KY on the bed in plain sight. What I told you about what happened next was the truth; she jerked me off and I tipped her a hundred bucks.'

The next time she came around we talked about sex and money and we agreed that I'd pay her extra for sexual relief. She'd come around, give me a massage and then she'd get naked and we'd fuck. I started seeing her twice while I was in Brisbane; once when I got home and then again just before I was due to leave.

We were both single. I told myself there was no one to be hurt by what we were doing, except for maybe the tax man, but I wasn't worried about him. Anyway, I was wrong.' Ciaran grimaced. 'Let's just say Felicity didn't stop massaging me because she got a job and moved down South. That was the lie that I told you.'

'What happened? Did you ask her for something she didn't want to do?'

'In a way. I asked her out. I'd started to have feelings for her.'

'Oh,' I replied. 'Oops. How did she react?'

'She said 'Thanks but no thanks. This is just a job. Maybe you should find someone else to take care of you, because I'm not really comfortable doing it from this point forward'.'

I was embarrassed for my lover. Sad for him too, because that would have hurt. 'Ouch.'

'Hmm,' he agreed. 'Now you know why I didn't tell you why she stopped massaging me.'

'Did you find the new massage girl straight away?'

'No, not at all. Just after Felicity gave me the heave ho - which she was right to do, I'm not angry at her - Symantha contacted me from New Zealand. Sheds been having issues with the boyfriend and she wanted to know if I could 'help'. I said to her 'look, the boys miss you. They haven't seen you in ages. What if I book some leave and we go over and see what we can do?' She agreed, and I booked some leave and took the boys to Christchurch for two weeks.'

'Did you want to reignite the relationship?'

'Not consciously. Maybe subconsciously I did. I was lonely and licking my wounds after being booted by Felicity and maybe I just wanted to get away, and Christchurch was 'getting away'. I ended up renting a house in a nearby area for the two weeks. Symantha and her kid moved in. I... don't know how to explain what went on next. For a while it seemed as if we were a family again. She was playing nice, very nice, and I thought 'this woman isn't perfect, but she's Noah's mother and she knows what I'm like and we've lived together' and, well...'

He shrugged guiltily. 'We started sleeping together. For ten days we fucked like rabbits. And on the eleventh day, her ex came around with something shiny and expensive that went on her finger and back she went to him. She'd always been like that; always with whoever could offer her the most, expensive, tangible things, but I guess that was my moment of clarity. I took the boys back to Australia and found a proper rub n tug girl, figuring a regular massage and wank would make me feel better. It didn't, but I found you, and you just made... you just make everything wonderful.'

'Now Symantha wants you back.'

'No, she's broke.'

'You come with money.'

'Until someone better comes along. Someone more willing to let her spend big. I owned my house outright before she came along. I had to mortgage it again when she left to give her a pay out. I've cleared the mortgage again and I don't plan on getting another one when she inevitably decides to fuck off. For all I know, she just wants to stay with me long enough to get another financial settlement.'

'Your parents love her,' I said.

'She's good at playing people, and they're the sort of people who believe what they see on A Current Affair, so let's face it, she doesn't have a tough time convincing them she's for real.'

I picked up a cherry tomato and started to peel the skin off. 'You must have loved her.'

'To a degree, sure, but I didn't know how good a relationship could be to be with someone I actually liked as a person. I sort of got a hint of it with Felicity, and I'd hazard a guess that's why I was stupid enough to ask her on a date, but when I met you, it was all over for Symantha. She had no chance.' Ciaran plucked the cherry tomato from me and held my hands in his. 'Helen, I'm really sorry if you thought I was sleeping with her. I haven't, not since well before you came along, and I honestly didn't think she wanted to get back with me when she moved in. I just thought she needed somewhere to stay.'

'But why did she want to stay with you? Why come back to Australia?'

Ciaran squirmed. 'Because she accused her ex of domestic violence.'

'God, I didn't realise that.'

'Well... here goes. This is going to sound terrible but please listen with an open mind.'

'Okay.'

'Symantha didn't just verbally provoke me, she physically provoked me. I never responded to the physical stuff, but there were times I had to leave the house or I would have. There's a point where anyone, male, female, whatever, is going to lose their temper. She might be telling the truth. Or, she might have just pushed and pushed and pushed him - physically - until he retaliated. That's why I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want you either feeling sorry for her, or thinking I was horrible for thinking she might have provoked her boyfriend past breaking point.'

'I understand. Just because something isn't right, or isn't justifiable, doesn't mean it isn't understandable.'

'That's a really good, very accurate way of describing it.' Ciaran reached for his plate and picked up a leaf of lettuce. He shredded it between his fingers. 'I'm moving out of the house tomorrow. I've hit this point where I can't continue on as things are. My parents are being ridiculous, and Symantha's just desperate for money and a support network. I can't take the boys with me because I need someone to care for them while I'm at work, so I'm leaving them, my parents and Symantha in the house.'

Ciaran spoke quietly, matter-of-factly but I could see the frustration in his eyes.

'I'm going to be blunt, but aren't you worried about Symantha trying to claim the house as hers if you let her live in it?' I asked.

'No, I've already spoken with a lawyer. An agreement has been drawn up. I'll move out and my parents and Sam will stay there with the boys. I'll pay child support and visit the boys three times during my leave.'

'This has been in the works for some time,' I reflected. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'You already had a lot on your plate with Dani. I didn't want you thinking you were obliged to take me in, too.'

'Do you want to move in?'

'Yes, but that needs to be a decision you make.'

'Really? You still want to move in? Even after what I told you about Raf?'

Ciaran shrugged. 'We all make stupid choices. At least you're smart enough to recognise them at the time you're making them.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2015

Arrests were made, accusations were flung around. Most of the gossip centred around the relationship that Raf and I had apparently had.

Auntie Rose was distraught. 'They took my son, they took the boys and now they try and take down your reputation.'

After the funerals, after the sorry business was complete, Graham, my father-in-law, went home to his family. His relatives' anger and bitterness, combined with an afternoon's drinking, had cost him his son. He pleaded his case.

I don't know what Graham said, but the rumours died swiftly and my father-in-law never once spoke of his family again. He severed his ties as neatly as one would sever leg off a roast chicken.

~~~~~

2018

Ciaran was due home in an hour and I had two thirds of the children asleep and about ten percent of the house looking reasonable.

I always wanted the house to be spotless when Ciaran arrived home. I hated arriving home to a mess and steadfastly believed he was the same even though he'd told me a dozen times already that he actually wanted a drink and sex more than he wanted nicely mopped floors, I continued to put myself under a mountain of stress.

Symantha apparently had custody of the boys but they were at my house most weekends and throughout school holidays, even if Ciaran was in Perth. I was no longer intimidated by the boys' mother. Yes, she was beautiful, she really was, and she always had the latest and greatest everything, but she'd manage to blow it with Ciaran and I think even she knew she'd probably thrown away the only chance to she had to have a relationship with a man who genuinely tried to love her.

'Will, please go to bed,' I requested.

Will was normally the easiest kid to get off to sleep. Pearl went to bed but would make sixteen trips out for water, hugs, trips to the bathroom and other silly tasks until either I or Ciaran inevitably lost our temper and yelled at her to stay in bed. Then she'd sulk back to her room, tuck herself under the covers and go to sleep. Noah was... well, Noah didn't like sleep full stop. But Will normally took himself off to bed at the allocated time without a whisper of complaint.

'I'm going to wait for Dad,' he argued.

'It's past your bed time. There's no guarantees your father will be home on time, anyway. Go to bed. I need to clean the house.'

'I can help you clean. I want to speak to my father.'

'You spoke to him on the phone last night.'

'In person.'

He was nearly nine years old and he resented me deeply, viewing me as the person responsible for his parents' separation. Symantha and Ciaran's parents had no qualms about telling the kid that I'd stolen his father away from his mother, and that was why his father had moved out and 'abandoned them'. Most of the time, Will and I managed to strike an uneasy balance but every now and then he put his foot down and I was torn between asserting authority and giving him some leeway.

'Is it anything I can help you with?' I asked.

He shook his head. 'No. Mum wants me to speak to him about something.'

Sometimes you need to know when to pick your battles. This was one of those times.

'Okay,' I agreed. 'How about you watch some television?'

'Okay.'

I picked up the younger kids' toys, wiped over the benches and was sweeping the floors when Ciaran arrived home. I touched my hair and grimaced at how messy I must look. I was in pyjama pants and a singlet top and I had absolutely no make-up on.

Will raced to the door.

'Dad,' he said, coming face to face with Ciaran. 'I need to talk to you.'

'Yeah, sure,' Ciaran agreed. 'Can you wait until I put my bags down and say hello to Helen?'

'Yes, but it's important.'

I began to grow curious about what it was that was so urgent. Ciaran came into the kitchen, dropped his bags and smiled at me. He gave me the briefest of kisses.

'Will wants to talk to me,' he explained.

'I know,' I agreed, glancing at the impatiently waiting child. 'Go and talk to him. I'll get you a drink.'

Ciaran took Will into Will's room and shut the door. Whatever it was that Will wanted to talk to his father about, it didn't take long to discuss because Ciaran soon made his way out.

'All good?' I asked.

He half-shrugged. 'Come out the back and have a drink with me.'

That sounded ominous. I poured us each a drink and we went out the back. The night was still and dark and Ciaran looked tired. He often just slept for his first day or two back home, catching up and letting his body recover. He never complained. He'd say 'it's harder for you at home' but it wasn't, not at all. I only worked ten hours' a week, and only during school term. Anne came over and helped me out when I got stuck, as did Rose.

Dani had shocked everyone by doing a passable job as a parent. Three months after her son's birth she'd confessed to the social workers that she was feeling twitchy staying at home all day and was worried she might slip up. One of the social workers had decided the best way to keep Dani on the straight and narrow was to find her a job, and sourced a part time job as a dishwasher at a small family restaurant for the woman. Within a month Dani was working there full time and was significantly happier.

Rose didn't mind; she liked caring for a young baby, and when Dani wasn't working, she helped Rose by driving her to appointments and to visit family. It was a symbiotic relationship and I saw the women every week or two when they dropped around for a visit. Rose would bake for my kids and gossip and I always felt a million times better by the time she left.

'Samantha has a new man,' Ciaran announced.

'Oh Jesus.'

'Will was just worried about what would happen to him if Symantha moved in with him. Apparently Symantha told him to ask about the possibility of the boy's moving in.'

'I see. What did you say?'

'I said he and Noah could always come and live with us.'

'Did that reassure him?' I asked.

Ciaran nodded. 'Yeah.'

'Your ex is a serious piece of work,' I remarked.

'You're telling me.'

'Great boobs, though.'

'They look better than they feel. That's pretty much Symantha as a whole, though. The first impressions betray the pain you're going to feel later.' Ciaran stretched out, trying to loosen his muscles. 'Fuck. I had a middle seat on the Perth to Brisbane flight. I hurt.'

I sipped my drink. 'Would you like a massage?'

'Do I have a chance of getting a happy ending?'

I laughed. 'Of course.'

The End