All Comments on 'Paying a Debt'
by ClarenceDarrow
- 7 Comments
Anonymousover 9 years agoThat said, I hope the dealer sells Emily too so we get more scenes with the pair
Anonymousover 9 years agoSome critiques.
The story has potential but there were some things that just couldn't be overlooked for me. The most important of which was dialog. The girls talked to one another in a manner that people might write to one another but a person would not use language in such a way in a everyday conversation. Too formal, too informative, and too impersonal.
Secondly the motivation. While the way your character got into trouble rings true enough, unless she is evil or a sociopath the fact that her best friend is doing well and wouldn't fool around with her is simply not motivation enough to do what she is doing to her without a shred of remorse. Especially seeing as you are painting her friend as being willing to drop everything and run to her friends aid.
Thirdly believability in general. Unless this girl is a total moron (and you're painting her as college capable) perhaps her friend should have gotten her drunk or SOMETHING to make it even a little believable that she would not have been immediately alerted to something being very off from the get go. Even perhaps before the cuffs are placed. The whole bondage scene with her barely reacting was very unconvincing. She should have been struggling and freaking out from the get go. Furthermore, the fisting and anal plug scene were totally unbelievable without letting the audience know that this girl is highly sexually experienced. Partners work up to fisting and large anal plugs for (sometimes) months before succeeding. She would have torn both times from the way it is described here. Especially since she herself described her current dating situation as minimal at best.
Lastly and most damaging. There is no eroticism here. The idea is interesting and if the above issues were tackled then it might be sexy but as it is.... not so much.
