Perfect Imperfections Ch. 07

Fast forward a bit and we are in our fall semester. I met Edith from one of my classes. She is everything I have always wished for in an ideal girlfriend and wife. The person in my dreams since young, even though I could not put a face there and then. There was also a sense of urgency as everyone tried to settle down and find some direction in their life. It was not just me, but across my class as a whole. We started to casually date and it became more serious. But yet, I did not forget about Alec although I seemed to have done a good job suppressing bits of what I thought about our trip in the summer. We continued to have sex and it took on a slight tinge of desperation on his part, as though he wanted to prove something. I assured him that Edith and I were just casually dating each other as he held me hostage one night. But the truth was, I was spending less and less time with him and more with Edith. I did not realise it then, or I chose to ignore it, as I pursued my ideal relationship.

"Will you miss me, Brandon?" Alec asked me two days before New Year's Eve and one day before he flew off to Singapore to meet his parents who are working there. "Will you miss this?" He continued to ask as he face-fucked me, while I knelt on his floor, taking in the entire length of his dick in my mouth. I felt his cock hit the back of my mouth and I gagged slightly. Alec wanted to pull out to let me breathe, but I only held on to his muscular butt even tighter, locking him in his position. I wanted to taste him. I wanted his dick. It felt so...right and good. I will miss him when he is away. He fills a part of me that Edith cannot. I feel comfortable being silent with him, but not with Edith. There seems to be a need to do something or say something whenever I am with her. Yes, we are happy but there is just...... I do not know. I continued licking and sucking on Alec's shaft until he came in my mouth. I pulled him down to lie down with me on the floor of his room as we kissed. I wanted him to taste his own cum. He kissed me with a fierceness that I have never known. It was a sign that something is not right, but I was too blinded with my own ideals to see the hurt and anxiety burning in him. He was suppressing it well, but not imperceptible, especially to one of his supposed best friend.

The day before New Year's Eve rolled around and I was supposed to meet Edith at a café. We wanted to spend some time together before she went home for the New Year that night. Jasper, Darius, Alec and I originally planned to spend the break together but Alec suddenly wanted to spend some time with his parents who have been working in Singapore for the past year and a half. So that left the three of us together with a crazy plan to drive up to Seattle after the New Year and before the spring semester started.

I had an uneasy feeling the entire day. I do not know why. I chalked it to the fact that this is the first time Alec and I are not ringing in the New Year together in a while. I tried to dismiss it, but I failed. I knew why the moment I walked into the café.

It would have been an interesting tableau if it was not visceral. The scene that confronted me when I walked in is imprinted in my mind forever. That split second.

Darius stood behind Alec, his eyes wide with worry. It was as though he was bracing himself for an explosion. Alec glanced at me as I strode in before his eyes flickered back to Edith who was right in front of him. One could tell that Alec was in a defensive position from the way his feet were positioned. One slightly in front of the other, and a good part of his weight resting on his right leg which was behind his left. It was very subtle -- something I picked up from watching Alec fence in high school. I could see a fake smile on Alec's face. But he was rattled. I could see the fault lines zigzagging across his entire façade. Meanwhile, Edith stood ramrod straight. I could not see her face. But judging from Alec and Darius' expressions, it could hardly have been anything good. I was right.

"IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH BRANDON ALL ALONG, YOU FAG?!" Edith screeched. In that instant, I knew the game was up.

I saw Alec swallow, panic racing across his handsome face as he stood there, not knowing how to answer. No one else dared to move in the café, including the baristas.

Game over, I thought. Now everyone knows my secret. No one cares that I am actually attracted to women. Now everyone will only think of me as a gay man, someone to be picked on. I will lose all social standing and credibility that I have. Why? Because...because...Alec has let me. And this will end now. It has to. I do not see any other way out. He will understand. He is my best friend, right? He will help me.

"Edith..." I began.

"Tell me, it's not true, Brandon. TELL ME" Edith whirled around and shouted.

"Edith, it was way before us. It was a mistake. I'm sorry. Alec and I are...just just" I heard myself saying. I glanced at Alec, pleading for him to back up my story and to see that I need Edith to be on my side, if not I will lose all that I wish for. In that moment, I only cared about my future.

I hazarded a look at Darius and Alec. We could not have been more than a few feet apart but we might as well have been standing on opposite sides of a valley. It was as though a chasm had opened between us. I saw Darius seething with anger and indignation. His eyes oozed pure venom. As for Alec, he looked like he will be sick. He looked like someone had punched and kicked him in the gut before smashing him with a crowbar emotionally. I saw all life drain out of him. His face darkened, his eyes lidded with some unknown emotion. It was heart wrenching to see the Alec I know die and waste away right in front of me. When he looked at me again a few tense seconds later, he was a different person. Still handsome but a lot colder and harder, his eyes and face devoid of all emotion.

"I see, a mis-take." He said so softly, while staring at the Edith and me. The entire café was so quiet that I could hear Alec inhale and exhale as he prepared to say something else. "Take in error. Did you take something from me in error, by accident? So the past four years were an error? Last night you cleaning the floor of my room with your knees was a careless mistake?" Alec glared at me. His brown eyes were hollow and there was nothing but sadness in them. It was at this moment that the full implications of what I have said struck me with the force of a runaway train.

"Better to realise your mistaken choice than never." Alec looked at Edith, almost sadly as he continued. "Even four years later."

He grabbed his backpack and ran out of the café without waiting for anyone. I felt like I was the entire scene unfurl in front of me in slow motion as I stood rooted to the ground, unable and unwilling to move. I saw Alec hail a cab and jump in as Darius raced out with his backpack unzipped and coat in one hand, trying to chase after Alec but to no avail.

The moment broke.

Edith was in tears as I slumped down to the ground wondering what I have done. We stayed like that for a good ten minutes as Edith kept crying and I could do nothing about it. I was numb. From shock and pain. As I tried to recognise the disparate and rebellious strands of thought in my mind, the first thing I knew was how untenable the situation is. Edith was always an ideal, something I have put on a pedestal. I was in love with the idea, not the person. The person I am in love with is someone whom I have hurt, deeply and unforgivably so.

"I am sorry Edith. He was right. We can't be together. I am sorry." I said to her as I ran out of the café, determined to put things right before they got out of hand. I was being unfair to Edith, I know. But between Edith and Alec, Alec is my everything now. I mean it.

Knowing Alec, he will try to put some distance. Anyone would. The only problem is this. The moment Alec puts some distance, I will never find him. The atlas is embedded into his mind and his knowledge of airlines, trains, buses and whatever is unparalleled. The bottom line is this: If he successfully leaves Berkeley and does not want to be found, he will not be.

I hailed a cab and I raced towards the apartment he shared with Darius. I could not have been more than twenty minutes behind Alec. But it was enough for him to escape.

"HE'S GONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. HE LOVED YOU AND YOU HAD TO THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS LIKE THAT" Darius shouted at me as I stepped into their apartment. He shoved me against the wall and I was powerless to resist. I crumpled onto the ground staring at the floor, wondering what I have done. Darius could have hit me then and I would not have put up a fight. Darius was right, I did throw him under a bus. I did crush him. I did kill him, internally, with my bare hands.

What I could not take was the word. The L-word. Love. Suddenly, everything he said and did made perfect sense. It was not that he did not make the first move, he did, and was waiting for me. Only I was too blind and caught up with my own ideal fairy tale love story to notice the prize right in front of me. I was sending him mixed signals what with the song in Latvia, the comment about settling down in Lithuania, the possessiveness in Bangkok and most importantly, my broken promises just recently. He has always been there for me. But have I always been there for him?

It has been a few days since he left.

A deep freeze has entered me. I feel like I have wrenched out my own heart while Alec took my soul away with him. I want him back. For real, this time round. I called Japan Airlines which he was supposed to take to Singapore but they refused to tell me anything about his travel plans. I called all our friends and no one had heard from him. Not even Darius. I texted him, called him and left countless voice messages but he did not reply. His Whatsapp's last seen function was turned off. I wanted to call his parents but then again, they did not even know that Alec was going to visit them, it was meant to be a surprise. I checked his Instagram and Facebook for any clues as to where he might be, but there are only breathtakingly beautiful landscape shots being uploaded daily. Shots devoid of any significant place marker which I could identify. Even Jasper did not know. And yes, Jasper was being a real friend by being unquestioningly loyal. He did not even ask any questions. Which only made me feel worse.

Alec made me whole. It took him leaving me to realise that I have always taken his presence for granted. I do not want anyone else but him.