Perspectives Series: Jess Pt. 01

"I have to go, Jess. I can't pass this up."

"Can't you take me with you?" My desperate plea was as unfair as the whole situation was to me. I wouldn't make it as a single woman in Dubai, with no visa, and I knew it.

"You already know the answer. I have been struggling with this for months, baby. There just isn't any good answer."

I sat there looking at the floor of the car almost in a daze. My tears had subsided and I was now just facing what I knew was the truth, the reality. I think I knew it the previous time he left town; I just wasn't ready to hear it.

"When?"

"I'm already officially working there. This is my only vacation time left this year. I have one more week."

I sat silently for a few minutes, trying to absorb the suddenness of it all. I don't know if it was the shock, or what, but I didn't get angry or upset. I started focusing on the only thing I still had control over -- what I was going to do next. I took a deep breath and let the air out slowly before I spoke.

"I'm going to take next week off then. We'll just make the most of our time together."

Simon's tears rolled down his face as he grabbed me and hugged me.

It's interesting what happens when you know your time is limited. You just act differently. We slept a lot less, kissed more, hugged more and made love all the time. We didn't turn on the television except to watch the weather; we didn't talk on the phone with anyone and we ate every meal together in the house. We didn't have the patience to be with, or near, anyone else. We were inseparable.

As the big day approached, I had a lot I wanted to ask Simon. It would be the last time I could.

"Baby, how am I going to go on without you?"

He smiled, "Just how I am without you. We weren't born together, and we're not bound together by some invisible force."

"Oh, I know. I didn't mean for that to be a melodramatic, sappy question. How am I going to be me after you leave?"

"Ah, I see. So you think I control that?"

"Yeah, don't you?" I was confused.

"Control is a tricky subject. We think we control all sorts of things that we don't. Take my work project, for example. We are trying to model the water flow through these chunks of land to make sure that the marine life is protected after production. We control nothing. We manipulate it in hopes that it does, and will continue to do, what we expect. It's the same with you. I don't have any more control over you than I do over the changing ocean tides. You think I do, because it makes you feel better about your choices."

I sat there a little stunned by his answer. It was so insightful and I agreed with it, even though I wasn't sure I fully understood how to apply the reasoning to my own feelings.

"I guess I don't really understand so much about who I am. How could I have gotten this far?" The question was rhetorical.

"Look around, Jess. Everyone is the same. Do you think for a minute that I knew I was capable of doing some of the things I have with you?"

Up until this moment, I'd have to say, yes. I thought to myself.

For the first time I began to understand how Simon and Jess worked together to make a couple. Almost like the magnetic experiments you did in Junior High...opposites attract. Not just the personality of the opposites, but the underlying properties that the magnets don't control. We're wired a certain way, and our environment may change us somewhat, but there are factors that cannot be changed, manipulated, or forced. If we're lucky, we recognize it. If we're real lucky, we come to terms with it, and understand it. I'm not there, yet.

We agreed to make a clean break. I didn't want to do it; I would have waited for him to return indefinitely, but Simon wouldn't even consider it. He told me that saying goodbye once, like this, was all he could handle.

Simon's last gesture before he left was to remove my necklace. He wrapped his hands around my neck and unclasped the chain. He took my hand in his and placed it in my palm.

He left on a Monday.

Chapter 18

Some months later, I ran into Martin in the grocery store. I actually bought a house in the front of his neighborhood, one of the older homes, but I hadn't run into him, nor had I managed to get to the back of the neighborhood to visit. The exchange was a little awkward.

"Hey, Martin. How are you doin'?"

"Uh, Jess...yeah, fine thanks, how 'bout you?"

"Good. How's business?"

"Good."

"Well, um, are you still seeing Teresa?"

"Yeah, she's fine."

I bit my lip. That's not what I want to ask.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Simon?" Martin cleverly asked.

"Yeah, uh...How is he?"

"He's making it. I, um, no, yeah...He is doing okay."

I didn't know how to take Martin's response. I guessed that Simon was getting by pretty much the way I was, judging by his reply.

"It's good to see you, Martin." I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. The tears started to well up in my eyes, so I had to make a quick escape.

I managed to avoid running into Martin again.

Epilogue

"Give me just a minute while I finish writing this thought down."

"Sure. Take your time. I'm going to lie down, my stomach is killing me. I swear, I think I ate something bad at lunch."

"Okay. All done. Thanks for waiting. I think it's been over a month since we've met. We probably want to consider getting back on a regular schedule. What's been going on?"

"Not much, really. We just closed out our fiscal year and so things are pretty dull. I probably should've taken a vacation, because it's about to ramp back-up again. My new boss is pretty nice. I can't remember if I told you, they hired a woman this time. Pretty surprising, given the culture. But I like her, for once. She's really bright. A lot better than that dick-head they had in charge before.

"I've finally gotten completely unpacked and mostly settled in the house. I'm starting to have buyer's remorse, though. I mean this place is HUGE and I don't need the space. I have entire empty rooms. I know...It should help with taxes this year and that is why I bought it. I just feel guilty about having so much space, I guess."

"More personal, please."

"You just cut right to it, don't you?"

"If you had your way, we would sit here and talk about the weather for half an hour. Give me something to work with here. You know, challenge me or something."

"Ah, well...I don't know. There isn't anything new to report on the relationship front. Lisa is still dating Roger, and because I can't stand to be around him, I don't see her much anymore. We went out for her birthday last month, though."

"How was that? Did you meet anyone?"

"NOoooo! I didn't meet anyone, or dance with anyone, or talk with any strange men. In fact, I didn't even see anyone interesting there.

"Don't even look at me like that. I know...'open myself to new experiences'. I just...I don't know..."

"It's been six months now since your first visit, in case you are wondering."

"Really?! Today is...what? May 31^st...no, it's Friday, the first, isn't it? Do you think I've made progress?"

"Do you feel like you've made progress?"

"Spoken like a true Psychologist. I don't know. I'm not where I want to be, and not where I thought I would be by now."

"I think you're a little hard on yourself. Where do you think you should be by now?"

"Dating someone new, maybe engaged to be married, or even married and pregnant. You know, getting on with life, like everyone else my age. He has been gone for 9 months now. I've had, oh, about 4 first dates, and zero second dates. Here's the thing...I don't even care. I don't want to date, and if I don't date, I can't have a relationship, and if I don't have a relationship, well, that makes it real difficult to get married."

"Yeah, I'd say so. You didn't really think you'd meet someone new and get married in the span of 9 months, did you?"

"NO! Of course not, I mean, that is where my life should be, in general. I should be ready to move on by now, and I'm not. That's for sure. I drove by my old apartment the other day just so I could relive memories of him more vividly. Are you just about to lock me up, or what?!"

"Not exactly."

"Well I wish you would...it would save me a lot of money on these sessions."

"Ha, ha, ha! Seriously, I've kept some of my opinions about your relationship to myself, and I don't think I'm doing you any favors keeping quiet. This sort of crosses the line because it isn't a professional opinion."

"Okay. I think we're sort of past being professional, don't you? I mean, I've told you some things I've never said to anyone."

"I don't want you to think I'm judging you but I don't think your relationship with Simon was healthy. It was so out of the ordinary that I wonder if you will be able to have a normal, functioning relationship with another man."

"Wow! That is pretty heavy stuff. And a bit opinionated, I might add. You're kinda playing right into my deepest fears, here."

"At least you didn't say, judgmental. Honestly, and off the record, I think you should go hook-up with a guy and sleep with him. Just go get it over with, so at least it isn't hanging over your head. You may even find that ordinary lovemaking can be very satisfying."

"Ordinary lovemaking? Now that came across as judgmental."

"I want this to be your project or assignment before our next visit. It can't be that difficult to just go have a meaningless fling, can it?! Start there, instead of going on dates. I think you're approaching every date as a measurement for a lasting relationship. You always compare him to Simon -- which isn't fair, since you were with Simon for over a year. And so you focus in on this one minute detail about the guy that you don't like, and so it never goes any farther. Try not to overanalyze it so much, and just go have fun. You could probably use the tension relief."

"I'm shocked! This is the most real you've been since we've started. Up to now, I thought you were following some manual on how to handle the depressed girl. Even if I don't understand how this could possibly help, and I certainly don't want to do it, at least you're sounding human in the process."

"I'm not kidding, Jessie."

"I see that. Geez! Give me a break; the idea is going to take some getting used to, that's all. When is our next visit?"

"I'm going to be out of town in two weeks, so our next visit is June 29^th. I can tell you are uncomfortable with this idea and you are agitated with me right now. Can we talk about that?"

"I just feel like you're pushing me to do something."

"Yes. I am. I think it's time. Isn't that one of the reasons why you've been coming here?"

"I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it. I just wanted to talk about this whole thing to someone. I want to understand myself better. I really just want to know why I'm so fucked up, I guess."

"Jessie, we've talked about this before. You're hurting, and probably mildly depressed. Other than that, you're pretty normal, really."

"That's not what you implied a few minutes ago."

"I implied that your relationship was not healthy. I don't really like how Simon treated you, and how that affected your life."

"I know that from the outside-looking-in our relationship probably looked a little strange. But it made perfect sense while we were in it. And everything else was pretty great for me back then, too. I was going to the gym and swimming several times a week, playing bunco with friends, my career was terrific...I was really active, you know. I don't think Simon treated me badly. In fact, I think he treated me exactly the way I needed to be treated."

"Would you describe your lifestyle with Simon as healthy?"

"Part of me wants to get real mad right now, and the other wants to stick this out so you will understand. I don't even know what healthy is. Are you just using the word healthy in place of normal? And what difference does it make? I mean, that word must've been invented by someone who has to categorize people into neat little groups so it makes sense to them.

"YES, it was a normal, healthy relationship. I'm tired of beating myself up with shame over it. It's not worth it. I couldn't invent someone as perfect as Simon for me if I tried. Don't you understand? He was the one and I let it slip away. There is no way to get it back.

"You're right...I'll probably never meet anyone who measures up, and I may never be able to function in a relationship that you define as normal. So where does that leave me?"

"Well, at least you're talking from the heart now. Some of that I just said to provoke you. Sorry about that."

"Oh, hell. I didn't realize I was holding back all that crap. It's okay. I'm okay."

"It's not really important what other people think about your relationships, but it is important how you view them. You seem to have some hostility about the labels you've been placing on yourself. We should examine that more on our next visit, I think.

"And about the stuff I said about getting laid...it's probably not a bad idea.

"Are we okay?"

"Yes, we are fine. I'll try to get laid before the 29^th. My birthday is the 27^th; that should be occasion enough."

***

For the continuing story of Jess and Simon, check out Perspectives Series: Jess - Part Two in the Erotic Couplings section of Literotica.

Additional authors note: I do not condone the practice of completely unattended bondage. Be safe.